Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
Failed relationships and breakups are uncomfortable, unpredictable, and the uncertainty that goes along with them is often just straight-up weird. There’s no other way to put it. Our feelings about an ex-girlfriend often go through the seasons just as the leaves of a tree change with the seasons. For some months, you miss your ex-girlfriend and your heart bleeds just like autumn leaves as it tries to accept the death of the relationship, followed by the inevitable acceptance that your relationship is entering a long winter.
And sometimes that winter turns into an ice age with no space to grow anything for months or years to come. You accepted the status quo that your relationship had no more room to grow. But then, when you least expect it, the sun comes out and your ex-girlfriend triggers your emotions. You ran into your ex girlfriend, or she reached out to you, and all of a sudden, spring is here to sprout new feelings for your ex-girlfriend. You couldn’t possibly see it coming and all of a sudden, you’re ready for summer and a new beginning.
Hearing from an ex-girlfriend unexpectedly and realizing that you still have feelings for her can mess with your brain. Going through the motions with an ex-girlfriend can be difficult. Nobody wants to get their hopes up with an ex girlfriend and then be disappointed again, at the same time, a second chance with an ex-girlfriend sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So what do you do when you resigned to the fact that your relationship was done, and you thought that you were over your ex girlfriend, but then she comes back into your life and all your feelings come back? How do you manage your confused emotions and stay in a masculine frame when her sudden interest in you throws you off balance? How do you start dating her again with success? The last thing you want to do when you and your ex are talking again is to decent into another season of autumn leaves that signal the end of another missed opportunity.
So, I got a message from a guy who believed that he had moved on from his ex-girlfriend, but they ended up talking again and he got overwhelmed by the entire situation and messed up a little bit. And now the question is whether he can still turn the situation around in his favor. So, let’s dissect the problem.
Long Distance was Too Hard: We had a Great Relationship but Broke Up when it Became LDR
Hi Coach, I need some quick advice on a situation I found myself in. The short version goes like this: When I was 18, my girlfriend basically moved in with me. I still remember it back then. We had the best summer of our lives before starting college. It was an amazing experience. It sounds soppy but we were definitely in love and we would spend a lot of time indoors, “working out”, if you know what I mean haha. However, in our 2nd year of university, she moved to another university out of state and the long distance put too much strain on the relationship and so we went on a break.
In the end, she broke it off with me. But it wasn’t one-sided. I definitely was not happy about the breakup, but I could also feel the difficulties with the LDR. It became too hard to maintain the relationship, especially with college. I don’t blame her for breaking up with me. I’m not an idiot. Maybe she met other guys at the other campus but anyway, as far as I know, she wasn’t dating after we broke up and stayed single for over a year.
Yea, that’s painful when a relationship ends because life circumstances make it too hard to maintain it. From the sounds of it, you had a good relationship and there were no problems. Obviously, that’s because you were still in the infatuation period. So always take off the rose-colored glasses and don’t think just because you had no problems during the infatuation phase, that you won’t have any with your ex when you get back together. I’m not saying that’ll happen in your case. There aren’t even any signs of it that would suggest that. But it’s important to point out that your relationship started off great and any problems you might have seen in the future would have only about begun to surface around the time when you broke up after roughly a year of being together.
Now, it was her who broke up with you and you handled your breakup like a man — you didn’t chase her despite the breakup pain. It’s good that you maintained your sanity. It seemed like the circumstances didn’t allow you to stay together and you’re right about the fact that she may have seen other guys at college that she found interesting. I’ll take you by your word that she wasn’t dating for a while. Maybe she was really heartbroken and just wanted to free herself for future possibilities without committing to something.
Of course, she did choose the easy way out of the relationship. Let’s not forget that. Theoretically, you could have tried to make the relationship work. I mean how long would you have been in a long-distance relationship? I guess 3 more years at most. 3 years is a long time, but if your goal is to have a happy long-term relationship, get married, have kids, and so on, then those 3 years should be a sacrifice worth making. I assume you had a similar sentiment as your ex had that the relationship was too difficult to handle during college and that’s fine.
But as you think about getting back with her, or even dating another woman, you’ll probably reflect on these issues further. When you date a woman, you should always ask yourself: Is the girl you’re interested in willing to make sacrifices for the sake of the relationship? I think as you grow older, you’ll make this a bigger priority. Anyway, these are just things that I wanted you to ponder because they are useful things to keep in mind for your next relationship.
I Distracted Myself after the Breakup: Casual Dating after a Breakup is just a Temporary Distraction
Needless to say, I was pretty messed up. Cut up about the breakup, and felt lonely because a lot of my friends were dating. The first weeks to like maybe up to a month were really difficult. My friends noticed that as well and they tried to cheer me up. I distracted myself with uni, going out with friends to bars and some house parties, messing about, seeing a few girls here and there on dates but on a casual basis. And I also hit up some girls on dating apps, but nothing developed.
You know, I was pretty much living the uni experience to the fullest but it didn’t really feel right. I mean, I got less sad over time, but I wasn’t really feeling it to party or hook up with girls. Too much hookups going around in uni and I was still trying to move on.
Yea, it’s tempting to distract yourself after a breakup with women, booze, parties, and so on, but that rarely ever solves your problems. When you had a great relationship with a great woman, and there wasn’t even any drama, no fun in the world is going to replace what you had with that woman. The notion that you can just replace one of your most intimate life partners with superficial pleasures never made sense to me. You don’t even need to understand a lot about relationships and attachments to know that this will never work efficiently.
There are plenty of studies on breakups and the bottom line for a lot of them is this: After a breakup, the one thing that you’ll ruminate on non-stop is your ex-girlfriend. And trying to somehow escape that rumination is futile. You cannot short-wire human nature and find a quick hack to get over an ex.
However, that said, at least you tried to keep yourself busy. For the next time, if you ever have a breakup again where you want to move on and overcome your loneliness, don’t try to find distractions — find satisfactions. What I mean is that you should work on things in your life that satisfy you in a way that makes you feel proud of yourself. When was the last time that you went on a casual date or went to a wild party, and the next morning you felt proud of yourself? I assume you can count those moments on one hand, or maybe even just one finger.
But if you do something that feels satisfying because you’re developing yourself into a great version of yourself, that’s when you truly find meaning after a breakup. For example, let’s say you are a surfer and you have always been interested in learning what it would be like to be a shaper, someone who shapes a surfboard. If you buy your own shaping gear and some surfboard materials, you will love the experience of finishing your first surfboard.
Now, this is an extremely unlikely interest, and I kind of chose it on purpose. Whatever you find interesting as a passion or purpose can be satisfying to develop. It’s a distraction that might not necessarily be helpful in your future life, but perhaps it will bring you a sense of peace and a feeling of contention after the breakup.
With that said, while you didn’t pick the best kinds of distractions, it’s still great that you tried to keep on living your life. You kept yourself busy and even socialized. Never be hung up on a girl after a breakup. Even if you miss her or want her back, keep moving forward. Missing her is ok, but it doesn’t mean that your life needs to be on pause while you still miss her. It’s great that you didn’t hook up to get over your ex.
Hooking up and casual relationships with women after a breakup wouldn’t be my first choice because overall, having multiple partners is terrible for long-term relationship satisfaction, but meeting up with some girls and having meaningful dates is a good goal to aspire for. The key to a successful breakup recovery is to not wait around but instead, build up new momentum. So once again, you handled your breakup like a tough man. That’s great.
I Accepted our Breakup: When you Still Have Feelings for your Ex Girlfriend but Tried to Move On from her
But the point is: I “lost feelings” for her. What I mean by that is that I accepted the breakup although I really hated it for a while. It’s not like I didn’t still miss and love her. It took me quite some time to get over the relationship but it got easier as we lost touch. At first we were still talking to each other. But the distance and different lives just made us drift apart and I think it was good that we stopped talking.
Eventually she was mostly out of my mind. I guess we just both moved on. We met up once when we she was back home to visit her family. It didn’t really help that she stayed nearby, just about 25 minutes away by car and during the holidays everything was fine. We were just good, old friends. It was a bit awkward because I think we still loved each other. So anyway, fast forward, we both finished uni now. I’m staying staying in Bristol while she has moved back nearby close to her family. So this is where it gets tricky because we’re no longer just friends.
What you did is the only right thing you can do after a breakup. In a sense, you have done no contact without realizing it. And we’ll see in a moment that your ex girlfriend still is into you, exactly because you did no contact the way it’s meant to be done. Ironically, I always try to teach that you need to not chase your ex-girlfriend and stop caring about getting back with her if you want to get her back. But that’s not a very sexy proposition to most men. Everyone always wants the quick fix solution that will unrealistically solve all the problems and make an ex come back without any complications. And that mindset and approach is wrong.
We’ll see that your ex still has feelings for you because you didn’t drop on the floor and left your dignity down there. Instead, you moved on and maintained your strength, as hard as that was for you. When you moved on from an ex-girlfriend with masculine strength, an ex always remembers this positively. And the point of no contact isn’t even about pretending or showcasing that you no longer miss and love her. Even the toughest guy can miss his ex after a tough breakup if he loved her a lot. No. The reason why no contact is so effective is because it shows to an ex that you will not give in to your weaknesses — women always want to be with a strong man.
It’s the same reason why you shouldn’t cry like a waterfall in front of your girlfriend. A little bit of vulnerability and showing that you’re human goes a long way. But once you go into full-on baby mode in front of your girlfriend, she’ll begin to be turned off. There’s a fine line between masculine vulnerability and masculine weakness. You highlighted your strength when you moved on to the best of your abilities, and now we’ll see why it paid off.
I’m sure your ex-girlfriend also remembered meeting you back then when you were “friends” because the vibe that you gave off had no expectations attached to it. When she met you again for the first time, you didn’t try to get her back. This is a very good approach that always pays off with an ex. Don’t be a taker — be a giver. Don’t expect to receive from your ex when you spend time with her. An ex needs to trust you in order to re-commit to you. And by not trying to take something from her, aka, trying to get her back, you’ll instead only give her a good moment to remember. And this will be rewarded in the future, as we’ll see now.
It Feels as if I Haven’t Moved On: When you Suddenly Miss your Ex Girlfriend & Remember the Good Times
We met up two nights ago and it started off fine. Chatting, drinking. Lots of old friends were there. And the night turned into a bit of a session. And it was amazing to see her. But like a flash flood all the feelings just came flooding back and I didn’t know what to do about it at the time. It’s like I still loved her as much as when we broke up. I thought I moved on but the truth is that it almost felt like I love her even more than before because it felt so good to be together again.
She invited me back to her house when we were done partying, which made me think she wanted the same thing. Our friends were already teasing us when we were all going home. For sure they all expected that we’d hook up and get back together. So when we were at her place we sat outside in the garden and we polished off about four more pints of beer and we had a bottle of wine.
It was a mix of firting, old inside jokes and relationship talk. We were talking a lot about the relationship and how things ended and how we felt about it now. So when the whole topic of us came up, it became really emotional and of course, being drunk and the romantic that I am, I said that I still missed her and that she’ll always have a place in my heart.
You know what they say: When there’s alcohol involved, there’s usually an agenda. I’m sure both of you already expected to get wasted and I bet both of you were hoping that a little bit of booze would help you to get over the awkwardness and make out. A bottle of booze is the easiest way to ease the tension with an ex-girlfriend. So you already started out the right way. Of course, the alcohol probably contributed a lot to your feelings coming back up again.
But for your ex-girlfriend it probably had been the same. You were in the perfect spot when you went home with your ex-girlfriend and this is where you unfortunately went wrong. It’s just as you said: Your friends already expected that you’d get laid. There’s an unspoken rule that a man and a woman will fuck when they go home together. We have all been there, being made fun of or making fun of a couple of friends who clearly are about to get dirty when they get home.
And this is where you made a mistake in your approach. You got overwhelmed by your emotions because you thought you were over your ex but you’re not. So you didn’t prepare yourself mentally for the situation. But the bigger problem is that you started talking about the relationship. When you’re meeting up with your ex and you go home together, don’t talk about the relationship — recreate it! Which means: Make love to her!
You had been dating her for about 1 1/2 years if I understand your timetable correctly. If an ex who you have dated for a long time invites you to her house and there’s alcohol involved, you can expect that she wants to have sex with you. All you have to do in such a situation is walk through the door that’s already been opened for you and make her feel loved.
You were already intoxicated, the emotions were running high, with a high likelihood to take risks thanks to the alcohol, and I’m sure you both were ready to let out a lot of passion. As long as your ex was not too drunk beyond the point where she wouldn’t be able to make a decision that she might regret the next morning, you should take the chance and seduce her.
It sounds to me that your ex was not too drunk to decide sanely that she’d want to have sex with you and get back with you. Never let slip golden opportunities to seduce an ex girlfriend. The regret of not taking a chance with an ex will haunt you for a long time.
And no, you did not take your chances here. Telling her how you felt about her was a mistake. You cannot seduce your ex girlfriend through words — you have to use your actions. There’s technically nothing wrong with expressing how you feel to your ex, but it should have been her who said that to you, especially because she is the one who ended the relationship. She is the one who invited you to her place, so you already knew that she wanted to get closer to you. You should have only made out with her and eventually, it would have been her who would have opened up to you about her emotions, and by that time she’d have begged you to make love to her. Anticipation is a great way to re-attract an ex. By not yet revealing your cards fully, she would have craved to have sex with you.
Is it TOO LATE to Get her Back: Getting Back with an Ex after Years Apart — Can you Break her Defenses?
She told me that I would always be special to her and so on but brought up the good point that three years had passed and that she wants us to be friends. A tear or two was shed on my part and she also cried a little.
But then after we pulled ourselves together and stopped talking about the relationship and just had a good laugh about old times, we drank a bit more and then we kissed each other which really spun my head a bit. And it wasn’t just a quick kiss on the lips either. I don’t need to go into the details. You get the idea. I was super horny and she as well. But we didn’t sleep together. By the end of the night, I just cuddled with her. But we decided to not take it further. I tried to respect her wishes that she felt like it’s been a long time since the breakup and eventually I went home and she gave me a really big hug.
I understand that you wanted to respect her wishes but sometimes a woman will say no, or rather pull back because she gets her defenses up. That doesn’t mean that she won’t open up to you as you continue having a good time. I bet if you would have not spent so much time talking about the relationship, she would have been in a different mood and you would have had sex right away without even talking about the fact that you hadn’t been a couple for three years. Why? Because I am sure you talked about a lot of the bad things during the end of the relationship.
There’s no way a woman will invite you to her place and then say that she just wants to be friends unless you did something that turned her off. I am sure it has to do with the fact that you opened up to her before she opened up to you. On top of that, you were too emotional in general, shedding tears in front of her. When your ex girlfriend is emotional during a date or a reunion, you should be her foundation to lean on and project strength.
Who shed more tears? It almost sounds to me that you were more emotional than she was Women want to be able to trust a man. Once she discovers her trust she will also discover her lust. So in that moment when you acted as her strong pillar, she lost confidence in your strength. You should have made a non-aggressive, gentle move to seduce her. What you should have said is something like “Hey babe, don’t worry about it right now. Let’s cross that bridge later. Come here, give me a kiss” and after a good makeout session, you probably would have taken it to the bedroom. She knows she wants the D. But sometimes you have to open a woman up to go for the D.
But instead of opening her up with confidence, it was you who was seeking validation by saying that she still means a lot to you. Now, again, that by itself is not bad. What’s bad is that it was you who said it first. Because when you said that she still means a lot to you, you wanted to hear it back from her in return. Instead of seeking validation, as a man you should be the one who validates his girl when she feels unsure.
- Women don’t want to hold all the power in the relationship
- Women don’t want to be able to manipulate a man.
- Women don’t want to support their men unless absolutely necessary
That’s because a woman will trust, and wants to trust her man that he’ll have the masculine strength for both of them. You are a strong man and you shouldn’t be manipulatable. She wants to feel that no matter what she throws at you, you’re not gonna waver. But the moment that she controlled the situation by pseudo-friendzoning you, it was game over because you accepted her request. You could almost say that this was a shittest. And unfortunately, you failed it because you thought too much with your rational brain. You tried to respond rationally when all you had to do was get an irrational, or rather, an emotional response from your ex-girlfriend.
And as a result, you wavered, threw your feelings at her in the hopes that she’d reciprocate them instead of going for what you really wanted and getting it because she couldn’t have possibly resisted masterful seduction. Instead of making magic happen, you were looking for permission. Seeking permission is a beta male move, whereas slowly getting a feeling for how to push a woman’s buttons to open her up is an alpha male move. Of course, sometimes no really means no, but I highly doubt that your ex-girlfriend didn’t want you to seduce her 100%. She would have followed your lead if you would have continued without much relationship talk.
Dating your Ex Again: When you Still Have Feelings for her, is it Possible to Get Back with your Ex after Years?
In the morning the next day, we chatted and she said that making out shouldn’t have happened, she wants us to be just friends with no awkwardness. She apologized for having no self-control. I’m sorry but do girls really think that guys want to hear that? So now I’m not sure what to think, bearing in mind that we had a good relationship in the past, especially a close one like ours, but I’m thinking she’s hiding her feelings. As she wants to travel around the world in a couple of months and maybe she thinks the timing wouldn’t be too good.
Or maybe it was just drunk kissing and she’s completely over and done with me? I don’t really know. All I know is that those feelings have certainly come back and I haven’t stopped thinking about her for the past two days.
I’m going traveling myself to Australia for two months and I’m going to do what I’ve always wanted to do but I can’t help these feelings and I have no idea what to do about us. Now I am remembering how much I still love her and I want her back, but is she right about what she said last night? Has it been too long after three years? Why would she make out with me if that was a problem for her? I hope you get the idea and I honestly will appreciate any advice you give.
So, now she is friendzoning you. Why is she doing that? Of course, a part of it could be that it was because of the alcohol and she lacked self-control, but usually, alcohol only makes you do more of the things that you already enjoyed or wanted to do. So even though your ex may have been a little bit intoxicated, it’s unlikely that she didn’t want all of this in the first place. Getting back with an ex after years apart is definitely possible, and her initial behavior is proof of that.
Missing an ex years later is common, especially if there was never a proper resolution to the relationship. Whether that’s because of a bad breakup or bad circumstances. These kind of situations make it more likely to get back together or at least attempt to get back together. And what determines your success rate of getting back together is the way how you act around your ex girlfriend.
A large part of why your ex-girlfriend rejected you again has to do with the weakness that you showed to her. When an ex-girlfriend wants to meet up, there’s almost always an agenda or an end goal in mind. And whether you reach that goal only has to do with whether or not you can break through her defenses with confidence. She was already excited to be with you, make out with you, and enjoy being with you but your ex expected you to be confident but since you showed her your doubts, off to the friendzone you go.
Women aren’t stupid. Of course, she knew that you wouldn’t want to hear something like this. But to her, she probably got an emotional high by talking to you. And depending on how nice you are to her, how much affection you provide to her outside from a makeout session, the more she feels that she can rely on you as a friend who fulfills some boyfriend duties — emotional support — while not committing to you because you didn’t act confidently.
It’s an ironic paradox that most men can’t wrap their heads around. Why would she not trust you when you give her affection and show her that you care about her, right? It seems illogical, but a woman develops trust in her man when he’s strong, not when he strongly shows his feelings for her.
So right now, she lost attraction for you. I doubt that the two of you can’t make it work in the near future. Maybe the timing would be off considering that you are both about to travel soon, but that doesn’t mean that you can casually get to know each other again, have fun together, and eventually become more and more intimate. There’s no need to rush with your ex-girlfriend. Just make yourself aware that she might be meeting other guys while she is traveling, and you should also keep on meeting other girls. There’s no need to commit to anything or wait for her while it’s not yet clear if the two of you will get back together. Keep your doors open for your ex-girlfriend and for other women.
I would try to meet up with her again and next time focus on seduction, rather than talking too much about complicated relationship issues. You’ve done that already now, anyways, so now the only thing that is left to do is have a great time with her, and the next time if she pulls back while you’re making out, there’s no need to completely give up when she’s not ready to take it to the next level. Just try again the next time, or at a later moment in time.
Although I am sure that if you don’t focus on the relationship talk and instead only focus on relationship activities, like dates, making out, cuddling, and so on, your ex will want you back eventually. Don’t throw all your feelings at her. Only be focused on seducing her. Keep on making her feel good physically with touch, kisses, and as you slowly get her into the bedroom, patiently build up sexual tension in baby steps and eventually you are going to unravel her body and she’ll be ready to be intimate with you again.
