Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
Being trapped in the friend zone isn’t too different from being trapped in Gotham City’s Arkham Asylum. Any minute that you have to spend in the friendzone will drive you a tiny bit crazier until it eventually breaks your spirit. Getting rejected by a woman can drive you into a spiral of self-pity and low self-esteem if you’re not careful. Many men have been broken by the endless friendzone trap that never seems to give no matter how good the chemistry seems between them and the woman they like. The only reasonable course of action, when you’re stuck in the friendzone, is trying to escape.
But what do most guys do when they are trapped in the friendzone? They will try to make their prison more comfortable. That strategy is as delusional as thinking that if only you’re well-behaved enough at Arkham Asylum, you’ll no longer get tortured by the prison wardens. No, being entrapped in the friendzone calls for a prison break to restore your sanity.
A woman may keep a man in the friendzone and won’t even think anything’s wrong with that because she believes it’s good for both of you. Her thought pattern looks a bit like this:
- I think we’re just not compatible with each other
- I don’t want to lose you as a friend
- We’re so good to each other, I shouldn’t ruin that
- I want you to be happy with a great girl instead of me — here’s your straitjacket!
Hmm, I don’t know man, something feels of. Well, speaking of mental Asylums and mental problems. I guess women are good at deluding themselves. Being red-pilled and based is a woman’s Achilles heel. Secretly they all know that none of these things are true. Sure, a woman trapping you in the friendzone is great for HER because you’re good to her but there’s no added value for YOU! At the end of the day, you’re the one in a straitjacket, unable to do what you actually want — which is getting the girl.
Welcome back to Dating Dilemma, I’m Andi Galster. I got a message from a guy who was about to get his straitjacket put on him. He was dating a girl for roughly a month and the girl did not let him make his move. He wanted to become exclusive with the girl but she wasn’t ready for it because she was still hung up on another man. So, he got offloaded into the friendzone, and the trap was successfully sprung. So, let’s break down the problem. Dating Dilemma Breakdown, coming up.
She JUST Got Out of a Relationship: When she Puts you in the Friendzone Because she’s Not YET Ready
Hi Coach Andy, at the beginning of April I started talking to this new girl and we hung out about three times, once a week. Things seemed to go pretty well, sort of. We would text all day and when we hung out, it seemed like there might have been a potential relationship. This thing lasted roughly a month. Toward the end of all this, she kind of dropped on me that she recently got out of her relationship with her first real love 3 months ago.
To be honest I kinda saw this coming based on some of her behavior. The last time we hung out she dropped a bombshell, saying ‘I told myself I would be spending this time by myself but here I am talking to you. I actually like you.’ and I felt she was hesitant about us. So after talking to a few of my friends I decided to bring it up again by starting off with ‘so I was curious, is this thing exclusive, or not?’
Your dating pace of one date per week was on a good schedule. Anything more than one date per week is too much at the start of the dating process. You hit the sweet spot. Not too often, not too infrequent. This means she probably was slowly falling more in love with you and you weren’t pressuring her. Instead, she could decide her own pace.
You probably shouldn’t have been texting her all day though. That was too much and may add pressure. When you’re younger you may not realize it that much, especially if you don’t have that much going on in your life. But you should give a woman her breathing space and not text too often — especially when you’re both adults with plenty of responsibilities in life. Not only does it give her space to miss you, but it also shows her that you are an alpha male who is busy with his mission in life.
Women want to be with a man who inspires them and sets their hearts on fire through his masculine pursuit of excellence. A woman wants to know what you’re all about. No, she needs to know what you’re about. And the best way for her to gauge what kind of man you are is by paying attention to your actions. It’s a red flag to a woman if you’re not taking action and making moves in life. A woman wants to know:
- What are you passionate about and how proactive are you in pursuing your passions?
- What’s your purpose? How are you making an impact in the world and what positive impact will you make on her once you are dating?
- What are the things that are exciting in your life? How often do you do spontaneous, adventurous, or courageous activities? Do you live fearlessly and can she count on you?
- Are you a natural leader outside and inside of a relationship? Will you steer the boat in the right direction if she joins you on your journey?
She wants to be put on an adventure with you — not with words. Words are cheap but actions are hard to come by. So impress the woman you’re dating through action.
If you text her too often during the day, you will kill the tension. Sometimes this may work, especially when there is massive attraction and when you’re young, but most of the time texting a woman too often will kill off any tension buildup that can lead to seduction. You want a woman to create anticipation in her own mind. The best way to date a woman is for her to take off your clothes in her own mind. If you’re always in her DMs, she won’t have time to fantasize and think about you.
Of course, you shouldn’t ignore a girl, especially with a great connection. But keep a healthy balance. When you find yourself texting too much, ask yourself if you are busy enough with your life. To give you an analogy: I can clearly tell when I’m not working hard enough or when I’m becoming lazy and complacent because that’s when I send way too many voice messages to my best friend. The voice messages are a symptom of boredom. Obviously, the comparison isn’t the same. With a woman, you’re excited to talk to her but if you are triggered to text a woman too much, it’s usually because your life isn’t fast-paced enough.
Now, that said, probably a bit too much texting but hey, the chemistry was great so you lucked out there. It sounds to me like you’re in rebound territory or at least edging close to it. Apparently, her last ex was her first real love. Dating a woman who is extremely heartbroken will rarely work out — almost all rebounds fail. If the relationship was so important to her, that just increases the chances of getting dumped or getting friendzoned. There’s a lot of risk in a situation like this that she’ll try to get back with her ex, or simply be emotionally unavailable and not ready to commit to a new relationship. And then being friendzoned will be akin to a toy of a young girl getting placed on the shelf — maybe she’ll play with it again, or maybe she will lose interest forever.
Where you went wrong was with asking her about exclusivity. Of course, I understand why you’d be worried about it, but it would have been better to give her more time to feel comfortable with you. She acknowledged already that she likes you but she wasn’t sure about you. When this happens, it’s your job to reassure her that there’s only good vibes and no pressure. I’m sure she needed more time to figure out how she felt about you. She didn’t necessarily need space from you, but she most likely wanted to slow everything down, or rather, decide on her own when would be the right time to talk about exclusivity.
A woman chooses her man and if she’s still heartbroken, she won’t always go as fast as you’d like her to go. When you asked about the exclusivity, you began to pin her down. Not only was she not ready for that, but on top of that, it made you look unsure of yourself. When in reality, if you’re dating a girl with a broken heart, it’s your job to make her feel reassured about herself. Her thought pattern probably shifted from “Am I ready to be in a relationship?” to “Is he the right guy for me to start a relationship with?”
You probably had a slight issue with a scarcity mindset. You tried to pin her down too much, especially because you already felt that something was off, and that then only accelerated the descent into the friendzone. Now, it is likely that you’d get friendzoned, rejected, or dumped anyway at some point because you’re most likely a rebound to her — whether she knows it consciously or not. So the outcome would probably be the same in the long run, even if you would have done everything right. But, in a perfect scenario, you would have simply presented yourself on a silver platter to her, and it would be up to her to choose you, rather than you asking her about exclusivity or her feelings about you. Of course, that route could also lead to rejection eventually if she’s still too confused about her feelings for her ex, but without risk, there’s no reward.
When you’re Caught in the Friendzone: Should you Keep Dating her or Walk Away from her?
The response I got was ‘I mean, yeah, you’re really the only guy I’m talking to. I’m not really trying to hook up and fuck around. but I’m not really ready for anything serious yet.’ and after some talking about it she said ‘I’m sorry, it’s my fault. I feel like maybe we’ve been moving too fast. Maybe we should go back to just being friends and hanging out for now?’
Although I kind of had a hunch already, it was difficult to hear her say it. She said she really liked me, just that she needed more time.
Usually, I would say to take your time if the girl you’re dating needs more time. For example, if you’re dating a conservative woman or one who is still a virgin, then dating her will take more time than a woman who engages in relationships with less caution. There are two problems with the situation:
First of all, she isn’t just cautious because it’s in her nature. She is cautious because she knows that she hasn’t fully healed yet and so she doesn’t want to do the wrong thing. In a sense, that is a good thing. But, on the other hand of the coin, this was obvious rebound relationship territory. She’s not over her ex, she doesn’t want to commit, and maybe her attraction for you was not high enough as well. She felt that she could keep things low-key without too many expectations, but as soon as she realized that you want more, she started to get cold feet, which leads to problem number two:
The friendzone. She probably wanted something serious with you but she just was not yet ready to commit to something serious. She wanted to be the one who initiates that “relationship talk” once she’d feel safe enough. She probably was still making up her mind about all of it. It sounds to me like you didn’t have sex yet. She would have opened up to this on her own eventually. And after passionate sex filled with love, or at least love brewing, she would want to be with you with as much clarity as she could possibly have, considering her circumstances. But once you pressured her with exclusivity, she had to make a decision whether she’s in, or out. So she only had one logical choice when she liked you but wasn’t ready yet: Friendzoning.
I think this is a blessing in disguise for you. It doesn’t matter if a woman’s reasons for friendzoning a guy are justified, or simple acts of using him for attention — you should always walk away. One of the most important life skills any man should master is asserting his needs.
- When you don’t get the raise that you worked hard for, you assert yourself and if it’s still a no, you’ll walk
- When your best friend keeps on disappointing you, you assert yourself and if he still messes up, you’ll walk
- When the woman you love doesn’t return the feeling, you assert yourself and if she still doesn’t want you, you walk
Maybe she really does need time. Maybe she’s just not ready yet. And if that’s the case, walking away from her is a 10 times better decision than sticking around in the friend zone. Every moment that you stay in the friendzone and expose yourself to her, she is gaining more and more bargaining power. You’ll crave every conversation with her, whereas for her it’ll be a convenience.
You have to take back your power by creating distance between you when she friendzones you. Because that way she will know what she missed out on and once she knows what she really wants, she’ll get in touch with you. And if she doesn’t, then it’s clear that you & her will be filed in her file drawer that says “Stupid things I did when I was still immature.”
By saying no to the friendzone, you achieve even more than with a normal friendzone situation because I assume that you are like a stronghold for her emotions right now. She must be all over the place with her feelings, so I am sure being with you has been good for her in terms of emotional support. And that direction always leads to the friendzone! Over time she would lose attraction for you if all her romantic interest is based on her seeking comfort after a breakup, rather than being attracted to you because you’re a confident & magnetic man. You don’t want to become the guy who’s unsure where he stands with her aside from being her emotional support dog.
Escaping the Friend Zone: Make Women Chase you — How to Get Out of the Friend Zone with a Girl?
I told her that I don’t think that’s a good idea. I basically said ‘I completely understand I’ve been there before. I don’t want to be a person in the way of you doing your own thing. I really enjoyed spending time with you but maybe it’s best if we don’t meet up right now. I’m not sure I could just be friends with you.
She said ‘thanks for understanding’ and we haven’t seen each other since then but we are still sometimes chatting, like when responding to a story, etc… Or sometimes still random chats on WhatsApp, but aside from that there is radio silence between us now.
I guess she may have been Ok to keep things casual but I really don’t know. One of my friends said I may have jumped the gun too fast and should have just hung out more. But I don’t know, I feel like I was already very attached to her because we had a lot of good chemistry. We both liked each other. I don’t think she didn’t have feelings for me.
No, your friends are wrong. You shouldn’t have jumped the gun too soon by asking her where you stand with her. But as soon as she friendzoned you, pulling away and not acting as a friend was the right call. Now, what you are probably not doing right is that you are currently still too much in touch with her. It sounds to me that she is trying to still stay in touch with you as a friend and you’re giving in to it.
You made up your mind to walk away from her, so stick to it. Now, technically there’s nothing wrong with using social media to stay in touch, to have her reach out, and then eventually go on a date again. But it sounds to me that she is trying to open you up toward becoming her friend. So the dynamic will slowly shift towards more platonic communication as time goes by. If you have some random conversations, these should always lead to a date and in a best-case scenario to intimacy.
If she doesn’t want that, then you’re effectively still in the friendzone with her. Ask yourself this when you’re chatting with her: Is she a flirt with you? Or is she a friend to you? If there’s no flirting, or even if there is, if she won’t commit to more, then you’re wasting your time by staying in touch with her — even if it’s just every now and then.
All that’s going to happen is that you will give her the space she needs to heal because she isn’t ready for a relationship, and next thing you know it, she will meet another guy, have great chemistry like you two had, she’ll be dating this guy all of a sudden and have sex with him, while you have been degraded to a male security blanket who still provides warmth and comfort while another guy provides excitement.
Being in the friendzone & staying in touch with a girl creates a similar reaction that having sex with her does: You can’t hold yourself back from catching more and more feelings for her. But unlike with real intimacy, where you’re getting meaningful oxytocin that creates a deep bond, you are only left with leftover scraps. And so you’ll cling to anything that you can get.
You can’t escape your biological wiring. Even if you only get small levels of oxytocin, vasopressin, and dopamine from talking to her or flirting with her, you’ll start to appreciate the small things that you’d never accept as enough when you’d be looking at the situation rationally from the outside as an observer. When we spend time with the opposite sex, we quickly become attached due to our hormones.
I’m sure you’re already beyond the point where you could be neutral enough for this to not bother you. We crave these kinds of connections even when we’re still young children. A woman is simply a replacement attachment for your parents. I know that sounds a bit strange, but the bottom line is that you can’t escape your nature. You need a female partner, but feeling more attachment to a woman who doesn’t validate that attachment is like torture. It will drive you insane if you stay close to her, even if you believe that you are limiting the extent to which you’re doing it.
The only reasonable way to get a woman to chase you after she rejected or friendzoned you is to pull away as much as possible without being rude. In a best-case scenario, she will begin to miss you and start chasing you again, and on a second try, she will no longer push you away when you reach a certain threshold of intimacy.
I’m not a big fan of intentionally making a woman jealous, but the only way that she will want you is if she can see that you are wanted by other women. I’m not suggesting dating another woman only with the intent to make a woman who friendzoned you jealous. No, I’m saying that you need to gain a state of abundance with women that will draw any woman closer to you — even one who rejected you. A woman who had some level of interest but then lost interest will only regain her attraction if there are high enough stakes of losing you forever.
Being in the Friendzone: There is no Grey Area with the Friend Zone Trap — Make a Clear Cut-Off
I’m pretty bummed out. I was hoping that it might have turned into something and I also feel bad that we don’t talk much. I wonder if it was a mistake, or if I should have tried to just keep dating her but casually. I think I surprised her out of the blue with my question and now we’re only like distant friends when we clearly liked each other a lot. I miss being with her and I wish we’d be talking more like before. It sucks.
It’s worse than a situationship. Now it’s like there’s no real solution. No idea what to do. No idea how she feels about me and if there’s a way to give it another shot. What do you think?
You made the right call. I know it does not feel this way right now but not being in touch with her is the right thing. What’s clear to me is that being in touch with her will only make things worse. You don’t realize it because you barely talk to her but you’re still in the friendzone.
Talking to a girl after getting friendzoned / being “broken up” is the worst because your feelings keep coming back up. For me, there is no grey area in the friendzone. No situationship. No back and forth. You walk away from her 100%. When you walk away after a woman friendzones you, you don’t do any half-measures.
Could dating her have worked out? Maybe in a normal scenario where she told you to slow down because of another random reason. But this would have never properly worked out because you were still a rebound at this point. What you should do is get yourself out of this half-measure friendzone situation.
You should completely cut her off when she friendzoned you so directly. Try to do as little communication with her as possible. And as I said, if there is communication, it’s to go on dates and hang out. The best scenario here is to pull back as much as possible, almost like the radio silence method, where she doesn’t really know what you’re up to anymore.
With a pinch of luck, she will miss you. And with even more luck, by that time she no longer cares about her ex. But I would not get my hopes up with this situation because it already started out very complicated. I could theoretically be completely wrong about this assessment and she just had no attraction for you. In that case, it’s unlikely she will ever warm up to you again. It doesn’t sound like it was the case but always be prepared for the worst-case scenario when re-attracting a woman — getting out of the friend zone is not always possible.
This too shall pass. I know you miss her. And talking to her won’t make it any better. So stop talking to her, and instead of worrying about the situation with her, worry about your life. I am sure you’ve been occupied with her for at least a few weeks. Living with constant uncertainty because of a woman is a terrible way of life. I want you to get out of this trap that’s driving you insane. It’s keeping you stuck in place and I’m sure you’re not realizing it because your main focus is her. Shift your focus away from her and shift it onto yourself — and in no time, you will feel free.
Find inner peace by removing your shackles and if she comes back, she will love that man who embodies freedom & confidence. And if she doesn’t come back, another woman will be drawn to that mindset. Either way, freeing yourself from your worries will make you mentally abundant and you will no longer need to chase any woman. The women will come to you.
