Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
When you can’t stop thinking about a woman and put her on a pedestal, you’re most likely suffering from a dangerous disease known as Oneitis. Symptoms may vary from patient to patient. Rumor has it that patient zero of the Oneitis outbreak happened as far back as 48 BC when the infamous Julius Caesar encountered the mesmerizing future queen of Egypt, Cleopatra. But back then, she was living in exile.
And damn, Caesar went far to please her! He was so captivated by Cleopatra’s charm that he supported her claim to the Egyptian throne, sparking the Alexandrine War between Egypt and Rome, which eventually resulted in his victory and Cleopatra becoming queen of Egypt. But hell, that could have gone south in no time and Julius Caesar could have easily ended up with his head on a pike.
You see, simping for a woman and treating her as if she’s the one and only heir to your throne is dangerous. Going out of your way to do too many nice things for her, or just in general, being unable to keep your emotions in control, will often lead to terrible outcomes. There are many great women and you should never go out of your way to treat a woman like she’s the only great one out there. Oneitis is a terrible disease that all men should cure. At worst, you’ll mess up your own life. At best, you’ll chase away a woman or get used like a pawn to please her every whim.
When you value a woman too much, you’ll make mistakes without even realizing it. You can’t see that your scarcity mindset is turning a woman off when you’re Oneitis obsessed. The best way to deal with Oneitis suffering, and coming back to the light side of the pork, is to teach yourself that there’s always another woman that you can date if things don’t work out with the one that you’re talking to.
So, I got a message from a guy who’s most likely very young, and inexperienced with women, and he recently met a girl that he’s head over heels into. And in a nutshell, he is too obsessed with the girl, which is why things aren’t working out for him. So, let’s dissect the problem.
Dating and Oneitis: When you Can’t Get her Off your Mind because Everything was Perfect when you Met
Hi Andy, I met a girl for the first time this weekend at a friend’s birthday party. As soon as she walked into the house we were staying at, I was immediately attracted to her. After a while at the party and hanging out with friends, we got into a conversation with her group of friends and we began talking and flirting. I feel like we had a lot of chemistry, at least that’s what I saw in her eyes.
We talked all night and alcohol came into play and I got less nervous as I got a bit more tipsy. We flirted even more for the entire night, so we were having a good time. I felt like the connection with this girl that I just met was incredible. Something I had never experienced before as the conversations we shared were so genuine and we had so much in common. Her name’s Rika by the way. As the night went on, we got more intimate and we eventually held hands and I kissed her a few times.
I loved everything about her. From her looks, to her voice, to the common interests we shared. Towards the end of the night, we shared a joint together outside and he had such a good energy considering that we had just met. It was actually full-moon that day and it was super romantic to sit outside with her. It was seriously unforgetable. The best time I ever had with a girl.
So, first of all, it’s great that you had immediate chemistry with her. But when there’s instant attraction with a woman, it can be a blessing or a curse. The problem is that it can be difficult to control your emotions when you’re on such a dopamine high. What you experienced could be called love at first sight. Or at the very least, extreme chemistry at first sight. These moments tend to be extremely rare. You only run into a woman where you both feel a strong spark every full-moon or so. Actually, not really. It’s far less frequent, but I had to go for the metaphor. Full-moons happen 12 times a year, but really strong chemistry with a woman happens randomly. It could happen with the next woman in two months from now, or it could take six months until you have a similar experience again.
That’s where the danger lies. You can’t predict when you have instant chemistry with a woman, and when it happens, it tends to blow your mind away. I can already tell from your message, in the way that you’re describing her, and your talk of high energy, talking about a romantic atmosphere, and so on, that you absolutely loved talking to her. Just be careful that you don’t glorify that experience and especially don’t glorify her.
I absolutely know the feeling that you’re describing. I’ve met women in my life where the chemistry was so great that I will never forget the first time that we met. It’s a rare experience after all. But, not every woman with strong shared chemistry will be right for you in the end. I’m not saying to take anything away from your great night, I’m just saying this to give you perspective that great moments with a woman should be appreciated but not overvalued. You seem to never have experienced something like this, because you’re likely in your early 20s, so be careful to not be too smitten by her.
Overall, it seems to me that everything went great that night. You took charge by talking to her, you had great chemistry, and it seems that she really liked you a lot. So no complaints here so far in terms of her overall attraction for you. It probably couldn’t have possibly gone any better than this!
Crucial Oneitis Advice: Be Careful when she is too Easy & Opens Up TOO Fast — Her Behavior Matters!
She even called me babe, so she was really into me. We just met but she really loved talking to me. I could really feel her energy and it was nice to have a girl be so into me on the first meeting. We basically spent most of the time during the party by ourselves after we started breaking off from our friends, but we eventually went back inside the house to grab some drinks and she wanted to dance, and we danced for a little bit.
Damn, she was seriously hot. I suck at dancing to be hoenst but she was grinding me quite a bit. But unfortunately her friends were leaving shortly after we hit the dancefloor, so she left with them. Everything happened so fast and I didn’t even get her number but I did find her on Instagram and added her.
Now, a word of warning: I’d say one of the biggest mistakes that young men make with women is that they don’t pay attention to the consequences of dating a woman who’s too open-minded about her sexuality. Believe me, I have been there, done that. It feels good when a woman grinds you on the dancefloor. It makes you feel like an absolute king and for sure, you were incredibly horny.
The fact that she already called you babe and was grinding you like crazy is ultimately a red flag. I know, this is not something you young guys want to hear, but the reality is that a woman who grinds a guy who she just met 2 hours ago is not a relationship or wife material woman. Of course, you want to explore your sexuality as a guy in your 20s and that’s fine, just be sure that the woman that you date isn’t too sexually liberated. Or at the very least, when you do, set the right expectations. There’s a high chance that a girl who parties hard may not be the girl next door that you can bring home to your mom. These encounters may sometimes only be good for something casual.
Now, that’s not to say that you shouldn’t give this a shot. Not every woman who goes a little bit wild on the dancefloor will be a bad woman — sometimes, girls just wanna have fun. Every woman loves to hit the dancefloor. Just be careful. And again, don’t overvalue her. You had a great time during the party, but the more important requirement is that you’ll have a great time moving forward after the first time when you met.
She was probably very tipsy, so a lot of this could probably be chalked up to the fact that you both drank quite a bit, were a little bit high, and were on an emotional high. When you meet a woman and things get heated, just make sure that you pay attention to her behavior patterns in the long term.
In a perfect world, you wouldn’t have missed getting her number because even though it’s just a subtle detail, you turned into the one who is chasing her instead of her chasing you. She knows that you had to turn on your detective skills to find her on IG. It can’t be helped since you just forgot to ask her, but hey, at least you had great chemistry, so it won’t bother her too much that it was you who started chasing her now. In the best-case scenario, it should actually have been her who would have found your IG and gotten in touch with you. If you think about it, an alpha male with an abundance mindset would think it sucks that he forgot to get the girl’s number, but he’d carry on with his life despite the mistake. But, anyway, this is not the end of the world.
Dating Abundance Mentality: To Make Women Chase you Show them ONE Time that you Want them
We talked a little on there and I told her “What an amazing time I had with her and how I was stupid for not getting her number but I had to at least add you here to stay in touch. I was stupid for not getting your number.” She said how she also had such a great time and we agreed that if I’m ever in her city just 2.5 hours drive, we should hang out. It’s a bit of a bummer that we don’t live nearby but I hope that we can go out together in the next weeks.
Since all of this happened two days ago she’s all I can think about and I just keep replaying the night over and over in my head. This night was insane. The best night out I ever had and to be honest, I would say no girl has ever been so into me. My question is: How do I approach this with a girl that I just met? I think I fell in love with her but I’m not sure how to tell her how I feel about her. I really want to see her again but I don’t know how to do it. How could I ask her out after all of this? What would you suggest?
I would have talked to her that way. Yes, quickly telling her that you had a great time is fine, but you almost degraded yourself by calling yourself stupid to not get her number. Whatever, it was a simple mistake that doesn’t need to be highlighted! I am sure after that party the only thing she remembers is how cool you were, that you talked to her without feeling nervous, and you should keep on projecting that confident image to a girl after the first time that you met her. It would have been enough to tell her “Hey, it was great seeing you last night. Let’s stay in touch” and then she’d make herself available to you when she wants to see you.
In fact, that’s what happened. She suggested that you should hang out if ever you are in town. Likewise, if she really wants to see you again, she’ll get in touch if she’s near your city. On top of that, you should just let her come to you. Now that you have her on IG, she’s going to see your stories and if she really likes you, she’ll find a reason to respond to your stories and start conversations about the things that you’re up to. To get a girl to chase you, all you have to do is be in your masculine, confidently live a good life and she will talk to you because she wants to be part of that life.
At this point, you don’t know her too much, despite what you may think. You had a great night and I am sure you shared a ton of things that you have in common, but don’t get too attached at this point. To win over a girl, you need to make sure that she’s the one who wants to get closer to you — It can’t be the other way around. Right now this would be semi long distance. 2.5 hours is not a dealbreaker, and if you keep on talking, going on a few dates here and there, then this distance won’t be a problem.
But right now, you should do it exactly as she has suggested: You go out with her when the opportunity arises — don’t try to artificially make it happen. You don’t need to tell her how you feel about her. She knows that you really like her. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have gone out of your way to add her on IG.
The truth is that you never know what’s going to happen in such a situation. Quite frankly, she could be meeting another guy at a party in two weeks from now and because you live far away from each other, it’s possible that you’ll never go out ever again.
You have already done everything necessary to make her chase you. You had a great night out, you both liked each other, and by adding her you essentially signaled to her that you want to see her again. This is all it takes to get a woman to chase you. Women only need to see a tiny sign that highlights to them that a guy is interested in them — once they are sure that you are interested, all you got to do is not be interested too much because that’s not attractive.
How to Stop Obsessing Over a Girl: If you Can’t Stop Thinking About her what Should be the Next Move?
I’m not sure how to pursue her and like what level of strategy I should employ. I didn’t directly ask for her number on IG, so I’m not sure if I should still add her on WhatsApp or ask her for it? Right now we’re not talking so I feel like I should keep the conversation going and find a way to go out with her. As I said, we live 2.5 hours away from each other, so it’s not that easy.
I actually haven’t emphasized that enough but she’s pretty cute and attractive. She looks gorgeous on her IG. She’s your typical feminine girl with tons of pretty pictures in dresses and story highlights on IG. She got really great energy. It’s driving me insane to not hear from her! She’s so gorgeous. I legit can’t stop thinking about her. And I’m sure many guys are attracted to her. So I want to make sure that I’m masculine enough and show her that I’m an alpha. The party was really good, I want to replicate that now. Any suggestions what I should do?
There’s no massive secret of how to be alpha. It’s simply a matter of learning to eradicate your dating scarcity mentality. If you want to get a girlfriend and want to make sure that women always chase you, you need to stop thinking about them. When your mind believes that women are scarce, you’ll always try to close the deal too soon. It’s the law of supply and demand.
The reason why women lose interest in men is because they think they’re not in demand and at the same time women are too low in supply. So, you can now make a choice and train yourself to become abundant with women. There’s no need to prove yourself to her. You already had an amazing time together.
This situation is the perfect training ground for you to develop an abundance mentality. Learning how to stop thinking about a girl you like is an extremely useful life skill any man needs to develop. The best advice that I can give you is to not fall into the Oneitis trap. Right now, you had a great time with her and that is amazing. I’m happy for you that you had a great time. Now, it’s up to her to make the next move.
In the meantime, you should go on with your life and she will naturally find opportunities to get in touch with you if she really likes you enough. So how do you do that? How do you get a girl out of your mind if you want to see her so badly? You focus on the masculine pursuit of excellence. You occupy your mind with other important aspects of your life. The conquest of an exceptional woman is only one aspect of a man’s life that should be cultivated — there are endless other areas of focus, such as your career, financial stability, friendships & community, spirituality & religion, leadership skills, becoming confident, resilient, and many more.
I am sure you are not cultivating these areas enough and this is why you are head over heels into her and feel like you’re in love. Of course, it’s normal to feel this way when you meet a girl and had great chemistry, but a confident alpha male always takes off the rose-tinted glasses and grounds himself in reality. If you really want her to keep chasing you, then you can’t become a slave to your infatuation.
A few years back I met a girl at a bar in Jakarta. She was the most gorgeous woman I had ever dated until then. She was a popular travel influencer in Indonesia, and of course, she was absolutely gorgeous. And the reason why she was so into me was because I did not chase her. I loved spending time with her and the sex was incredible. It was hard to believe that I was waking up next to such a gorgeous woman. So, I still had a bit of a scarcity mindset. But because I was so busy with my purpose and my career, I essentially didn’t chase her, instead, I made her chase me and she would come to me whenever I would have free time. This is the alpha male mindset and approach you should take with a woman. Keep yourself busy and let her come to you.
So, the ball is on her side of the court right now. See what happens and don’t think too much about her. Start focusing on the things that I suggested to you. And regarding not having her number to message her on WhatsApp, well, you first of all shouldn’t message her, and on top of that, you don’t need her number if you already have her on IG. The communication channels are open to her, so either she shoots the ball back to your side, or you start playing another match with another woman. Or, maybe you’ll choose to skip the next match because you’re focused on your pursuits for excellence.
When you follow that approach, you will never be too obsessed or focused on a woman. A woman wants to be with a man who demands the presence of his woman through strength. It’s similar to the example of Julius Caesar. He may have suffered from Oneitis in the beginning, but he also commanded an entire army. Eventually, he came to his senses and focused on his empire more than he focused on Cleopatra. But, I don’t have to remind you that you’re no Julius Caesar. That means that you need to cultivate your strength elsewhere.
Just as Cleopatra played Caesar, you should not be a man who’s able to be manipulated. Once she can deceive, she’s going to leave. But once she trusts, she’ll discover her lust. If you focus on your metaphorical army, your mission in life to advance forward, that’s when she’ll be attracted to you. But more than that. It’s the best way to prevent yourself to suffer from Oneitis.
The best Oneitis cure for a man is to recognize that every woman is the cherry on top of the cake that’s his life — with that mindset, you’ll get rid of Oneitis in no time.
The Jakarta girl example is a good case study of Oneitis gone wrong — but in this case for a woman. Back then, I was so into her. But she became batshit crazy for me real quickly, probably because most guys will just run away after a one-night stand with her. But instead, we went on date night every single day that I was in Jakarta. And as soon as she acted as if I was the only man on the planet, I got massively turned off. She had professed her feelings way too soon for me just as you were thinking about professing yours to her. This is not attractive. Professing your feelings for a woman when you barely know her is a clear sign of Oneitis.
So, the best thing you can do to make her chase you is to appreciate her, and recognize that she is a great woman, but don’t try to desperately chase her. If it works out, this will be an amazing experience. If it doesn’t work out, then time will show you that there are plenty of great women out there that you’ll meet in the future. There’s always the possibility of meeting a woman two times more amazing than the last one when you are young and inexperienced. So, take it easy and choose your battles wisely. Become the commander of your pursuits of excellence and you’ll get the girl, or you’ll get another one in the future. As they used to say in the ancient Roman empire: Carpe Diem.
