Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In this video we have a great topic by a guy who is not dating the greatest of woman, or he used to date a woman that is not that great, and he needs a reality check. And he needs to get out of this situation. And sometimes we are hung up on an ex and we just should not be hung up on that person because they are just not the right person for us. And we are all kings. We all deserve the best woman out there. We keep on pursuing our purpose, our strengths. We try to get better every day and because we do that, we deserve the best woman out there. So let’s look at the situation.
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Hello Coach Andy, I’ve been in a relationship for two years and then became engaged very quickly. We were very passionate and intimate. We both were sure we had found our true love in each other.
He’s saying “true love“. He kind of knows: What does that even mean? “True love“… Does “true love” even exist? Not that much. True love is really just a thing of you’re really INTO a person. You really LOVE that person, sure. Maybe there are a lot of qualities where you just really work well together by default. It’s very natural. But in the end, it’s all up to us to make it work. That is true love. True love isn’t that magical, mystical, miraculous thing where things just magically work out. That’s not true love. That thing does not exist. We have to make relationships work.
So he’s saying “true love” because I think on the back of his mind he knows that, but we all hope for that “true love“, but it doesn’t exist. He says: “Looking back, we were probably both craving this type of relationship.”
Yeah exactly. You were craving the “true love” but we all know it doesn’t exist. After a while, after maybe one year two years, that true love disappears and then we need to make that relationship work. It’s hard work. We need to figure out how to love our partner because all the oxytocin, the serotonin, all these things in our brain and our body, the hormones, can only sustain themselves so long until it fades away.
And then we need to figure out how to make this work with good habits. Good relationship habits. It’s okay to crave this kind of relationship, but we have to be realistic.
She had difficulty with my 16-year-old daughter. Basically, she asked me to choose between her and my daughter.
And that is so messed up! At that point, I would have just ditched this woman to be honest. You have to be real with yourself: Why would you want to be with a woman like this?! This is super toxic! Who the heck says something like this? That you have to choose between me or your daughter? What the heck! What does she expect you to do? To be like Luke Skywalker with Kylo Ren? “Okay, I guess I’m gonna be done with my daughter and I’m just gonna pick my lightsaber and just get rid of her?!”
I mean, that’s nuts. That’s just ridiculous! So she’s super controlling, obviously. That’s a major red flag and if you hear something like this… You know, we all have our control issues. We all have our insecurities and these kinds of things. But that’s a pretty obvious thing that nobody should say and if someone says something so extreme, you should probably just open the next door and run! But he apparently didn’t do that so… joke’s on him, basically.
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Anyway, I will get to my question. I recently broke up with her and we haven’t had contact since then. A month before our relationship ended for good. My ex-fiance slept with another man.
You’re right, you mentioned that you were getting engaged and she had sex with someone. So here we go! This girl has major trust issues, but here she goes sleeping with another man, probably because of those trust issues because she feels insecure. What do some people do when they feel insecure? They betray their partner.
This guy had asked her out several times. She had said she viewed him more as a companion, just didn’t have the same chemistry as we did.
Well, it seems like there was enough chemistry to eventually cheat on you. She was just telling you whatever you wanted to hear. So clearly she stayed in touch with that guy until eventually, something happened. What a healthy person would do, we protect our relationship. Whether you’re a man or a woman. Okay, let’s be real: As a man we are kind of more likely to be physically attracted to women and it’s pretty common to just see a woman on the street, or somewhere, and be physically attracted to her. But no matter how attracted we are to someone else, we cherish our partner.
Like I said earlier: We make it work. We work hard on this and one part of making things work is to protect our relationship from outside forces. That means that we recognize when we are attracted to someone else or we recognize when we are starting to talk to someone and we’re feeling emotionally attracted to that person because we should always seek our emotional attraction and our bond for the most part from our partner. Definitely not from another woman or from another man, if you are a woman.
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She said she finally decided to go out with this fellow, our relationship was breaking down somewhat prior to this. She did it to be in a rebound relationship so she could forget about me.
No, she did it already when you were in a relationship. That’s not a rebound. A rebound is when you break up and then you just get out of it. But if you are in a relationship and while you’re still in the relationship, she’s already hooking up your replacement… Dude! That is cheating. There’s no other word for this. I was with a girl a few years ago and I was so into her. I was so in love with her and that that motivated me to become a relationship coach. And she hooked up her replacements in our relationship and Bam! … the next day, well two days after we broke up, she already had another guy, so she clearly already had her replacements hooked up and there was constant cheating even before the breakup, but I just ignored it. And you’re doing the same thing.
It’s not a rebound. She was just already preparing. Some women, they do this already while in the relationship. You know, they’re basically mentally already zoned out they’re not no longer in tune, and if they get a chance they might already cheat while they’re still with you. That’s not okay. So he says: “This fellow also has an eight-year-old daughter, which according to her adores her and thus she seems more attracted to his daughter, than the guy.“
At least it’s an opinion. So that’s odd! She told you “Hey, choose me or your daughter. If you choose your daughter, I’m out of here.” Now she chooses that daughter instead of the guy and what’s interesting here: I have a theory. She really just craves the attention. I’m assuming in your relationship you were the one who was giving, who gave her the attention and the affection. All the things that she craved. Now it’s that daughter of the other guy who’s giving her what she wants. So it seems convenient. She likes it and that’s all she seems to care about. As I said: She seems to be an insecure woman and so that’s why that’s perfect for her. “The daughter of that other guy really likes me. That gives me everything that I need.“
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Anyway, we broke off all contact as she said she wanted to pursue this relationship with the hope she would eventually fall in love with this guy as he had everything she wants right now. Daughter, possibility of starting a business.
Just hear yourself. Hear me. Repeat your words! Why the heck does she even tell you that?! Man, that’s messed up! Just leave. She should just leave you alone. Instead of rubbing this into your face. She wants to pursue this relationship with the hope she would eventually fall in love with this guy as he has everything she wants right now: A daughter! Dude! She didn’t even want your daughter before! This is ridiculous, man. Dude, there’s something so wrong with this woman and you should just get out of there.
You know, she wanted a possibility of starting a business with this guy and she wants to pursue this as she feels she can overcome the love thing if everything else is there, that she wants.
What the heck?! Why would she even want to be with this guy when she says she doesn’t even love that guy. Just because she can have a business with that guy and because the daughter likes her. Dude, this woman has some major problems and she’s a cheater! She has attachment issues, she has control issues, she has issues with loving a person quite frankly. She’s a cheater. She’s unappreciative. She’s all over the place. Why would you want this woman?!
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I was actually willing to overlook the infidelity and try and work things out until she decided to end the contact and she said she just needs to do this.
So my first question is: Why would you overlook the infidelity? If you read my book Unleash The King Within, I have an entire chapter, or almost one-third of the book here is dedicated to making relationships work and I even talk about this, that I have the philosophy that we can overcome infidelity. Sometimes we just don’t know how to make relationships work and we make mistakes, but the key is we regret our mistakes, we learn from it, and we never repeat that mistake again.
This woman seems like she doesn’t care, dude. She just wants whatever is good for her and she doesn’t think about other people. So for example, when someone cheats, if you cheat on someone… I’m gonna be straightforward with you. I sort of cheated once on a woman. I went on tinder when I was with a woman, when it was shortly before our breakup and yeah, I was a piece of shit! I should have never done that. I didn’t do anything aside from just swiping right on girls but it taught me something. It’s not okay. This is not the kind of person that I want to be. And I had regrets and that really changed me and that led me down that path also to become a relationship coach.
People who make these mistakes, they need to have regrets. They need to realize that they made a mistake so that they can make up for them and change their behaviors and she doesn’t seem like she’s that kind of woman. So why would you want to give her another chance? If she would be really remorseful and apologize and say “here are the things that I learned about myself“, “I went to a therapist“, “I read some books“, “this is what I’m changing about myself“, “these are my insecurities“, “and these are the reasons why I did this, I’m so sorry for this” ….
then there’s a chance to make it work but if she doesn’t do any of these things you’re just getting back into the same abusive cheating relationship with lots of lies and betrayal. Why would you want that? Nobody wants that! I don’t want that! My ex-girlfriend who, obviously, if you listened to this, what I said so far, we had a very betrayal-stricken relationship in the end. Who wants that? Nobody wants that! Why should you want that?
You deserve better, dude. You deserve a woman who wants to be at her best and that woman who encouraged me to become a relationship coach, or well, inspired me to become a relationship coach, she never changed. So I don’t want that woman back, why would I? I want that woman back if she can learn from her mistakes. Dude, you deserve a freaking queen.
Always remember: Dude, you are a freaking king! You deserve the best woman out there. Do better. The fact that you’re thinking about this already tells me you know already what’s right. You already know there’s a problem here. So that’s your first step to doing better. One part of doing better is realizing when someone else doesn’t treat us right and choosing someone who is better for us. Boundaries! It’s important!
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When she said to me that she wanted to have no further contact, she asked me ‘if you could spend one more night together?’ I will wait for your response before I let you know what happened.
So she’s basically saying “I’m done with you. I don’t want anything from you. This other guy is convenient. I will have great sex with him and his daughter likes me, and yay! I’m gonna make a business with him, and whatever… but hey could you please just screw me one last time because I just need it?“
Dude, that’s just so messed up. She’s already dating the other guy, so basically, while she’s dating the new guy now, she’s already cheating or intending to cheat on that guy again. So you can see she’s never gonna change. She has no remorse. She just doesn’t care. You deserve better, dude.
Anyway, thoughts? I’m very confused but have decided to move on and attribute this to a lot of immaturity on her part. Thanks for your comments. Please be nice.
I don’t know if it was nice. I was just being very honest. I think one part of being nice is telling you the truth that you need to hear. You seem to be a nice guy, you recognize certain things that are not okay and you have a daughter, 16-year-old daughter. Think about this. Would you want your 16-year-old daughter to grow up with a woman like this and her be her role model?
You probably want to teach your daughter all the good qualities. You are hurting right now because this woman is not good for you. She’s causing a lot of pain and she’s going to teach these same things to your daughter. I’m sure your daughter is a great young woman and you also want her to be with the best man or woman in the future. She should also be inspired by a great role model. So I think you should be the best role model yourself. You can do so much better.
Leave this woman. You already know there are so many red flags. I told you all of these red flags. It’s time to move on, like you said. You said you decided to move on, but you’re still messaging me, so obviously, you still have some doubts. I hope that now you have no more doubts and you deserve a queen.
