Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
Chasing or even begging an ex-girlfriend is a natural reaction when you get dumped. And some guys even go as far as semi-stalking their ex by showing up at her house to try and talk to her. The reason why it’s sometimes difficult to maintain our emotional self-control after a breakup is because we fail to accept that the current relationship is dead.
This reminds me of a metaphor from the Ancient Greeks. According to science and something called the Holmes Rahe Scale — which indicates how stressful certain life events are — the death of a relationship is as painful as the death of a spouse or a loved one.
Not wanting to accept the death of a relationship is as futile as king Sisyphus, who tried to cheat death by tricking the Gods into sparing his life. The more you cling to the relationship after the breakup, the more dire the consequences will be. In the case of Sisyphus, he was commanded to roll a giant boulder up a hill — an impossible task, which would fail whenever he got close to the peak of the hill. He giant boulder would roll down the hill and he had to start all over. Siphysus was doomed to suffer for all eternity as he tried to move the boulder over the hill.
You will face a similar kind of suffering if you don’t stop stalking, chasing, and begging your ex-girlfriend. Unlike Sisyphus, the death of a relationship does not signify the end of the road. Some relationships can be saved, so you would be a fool to attempt to cheat the death of your relationship. When your ex-girlfriend does not want to be with you anylonger, the only thing that you can do is accept the state of your life and move forward by regaining your strength.
In time, your ex-girlfriend will very likely miss you and grieve the death of your relationship just as much as you did. It may take her a little bit longer to feel the impact of the breakup and the loneliness that came with it, but most exes will feel the urge to revive their old relationship after some time has passed.
However, if you try to cheat death and attempt to convince your ex to come back right away while there’s still a storm brewing inside of her, then you’ll only feel the wrath of her anger just as Siphysus had to suffer the wrath of the Gods when he angered them. Instead of appeasing her goodwill by giving her the space and time that she needs to think things through, you’ll only summon another storm when you chase her.
So, I got a situation from a man who has been married, he’s probably at least in his 30s, and he wants her back but nothing he tried had been working. Worst of all, she left the house that they had been living in together and he feels as if he losing her — when in truth, of course, he has already lost her but does not yet accept that the old relationship is dead. So, let’s dissect the problem.
I was Insecure and Pushed her Away: Acting Desperate after a Breakup is a Fixable Mindset Problem
Hello, I’m hoping I can get some help from you. I have really no one else to talk to about this. Me and my girlfriend have been engaged for about 5 months. We have been living together for about 2 years but we knew each other already for half a year before we dated.
All throughout our relationship we’ve often argued mainly due to my jealousy issues that I have. So while I have never caught her with another man or anything of that nature, I am extremely jealous because she’s a fashion photographer and see things oftentimes when there is probably nothing there. I can’t help myself knowing that she often is surrounded by very attractive men. That has led me to constantly batter her about everything, sadly.
Anyway, to make a long story short: We have broken up twice before over these issues, but I tried to change and we’d get back together. But somehow I can’t really change. I wish I was one of those people that could wait until I actually had some real proof before I started to accuse her of this stuff, but this is not who I am. I’m stuck with my jealousy issues.
Well, I am assuming that you knew what you were getting into when you started dating her, or already when you were still friends. I understand that you’re jealous because of the supermodels. I have a male friend who used to be a photographer and he used to photograph women a lot, and of course, he often had sex with them. It’s a possibility, although unlikely if your girlfriend would be happy with you.
That said, the real problem is your mindset or rather the fact that you got into the relationship when it already bothered you early on. You probably shouldn’t have dated your girlfriend if it bothered you so much that her job makes her meet a lot of attractive men. That said, that’s not to say that this isn’t a fixable mindset issue. In the end, she could be doing this for a living and not care about the guys she is dating at all.
I remember, back in the day, I used to date a professional ballerina. Ballet companies often have collaborations going on with other ballet studios, or also very common, ballet dancers from other countries coming over to perform together. So, there were always tons of much hotter hot men than me in the vicinity of my ex-girlfriend and they’d be quite physical with their performances as well, or they’d tour together. And jealousy was never an issue for me. Nor did my ex ever even remotely think about dating one of those guys. She was crazy for me.
So you see, it can sometimes be in your head and your girlfriend can be extremely faithful yet it’s you who’s seeing red flags that aren’t even there because you’re too insecure as a man. And I have a hunch why you feel this way. It probably has nothing to do with your girlfriend’s behavior or job, but rather, it’s related to what you said at first:
You have nobody to talk to about these things. Now, I appreciate that I’m a professional in this field, so naturally you’d want to come to me, but rather the issue is very likely that you lack a masculine foundation that keeps you grounded when you’re in a relationship — and because of that, you become insecure and jealous.
If you don’t have any close friends to go to for talking about these issues, then you’ll always feel alone and helpless in the relationship with your girlfriend. Modern men are going through an endemic of lacking a social support system that they can rely on in their lives and it’s ruining our relationships. And that’s not even primarily so you can talk about relationship problems.
If you don’t cultivate a strong network of friends to rely on, then you’re always going to feel insecure when you feel distant from your girlfriend. I am sure one of the reasons why you often get jealous is because you don’t have something interesting going on in your life aside from your relationship. Realistically, you’d almost never be jealous of other men and worry about your ex cheating on you if you’d be happy and content with your life.
But as soon as you question your own manhood, you will let it out on your girlfriend. If you don’t have means of relieving your stress and anxiety, and if you don’t have other things that make you feel confident in life aside from having a great girlfriend, then you’ll always feel weak. And what happens when you’re feeling stressed and weak? You’ll impulsively make your great girlfriend pay for it.
Ask yourself this: Do you think the kind of men she’s photographing have a scarcity mindset? Most likely not. To be honest, they probably have so many women lined up, that they wouldn’t even care about having sex with your girlfriend even if she’d be very attractive.
I am sure you’re jealous of those men because you are comparing yourself to them. But comparing yourself to other men when you’re in a relationship with a woman who loves you never makes sense. The only one that you should compare yourself to is yourself. Your girlfriend wants you to be at your best — not another man. You don’t serve her at all if you make it all about other men when in reality you should be laser-focused on you becoming the best partner possible for her.
Now, that’s not to say that some level of comparison to those kinds of men is bad. In fact, it can be very helpful to gain perspective and recognize that other men have inspiring qualities that you wish you’d had so you can make them your own.
For example, I’m sure these models are smoking hot. Will you ever be as attractive as them? No. But perhaps you question your own attractiveness and that’s one of the reasons why you are jealous? That’s just an assumption on my part. The point is that if you compare yourself to other men, use it as a means to inspire yourself to be as great as those men. Don’t do it so you can put yourself down, which then will make you feel insecure, and eventually, that insecurity will seep into the relationship.
The second thing to pay attention — which might be heavily related to your jealous issues — is your attachment style. Studies have shown that people with jealousy issues tend to be insecurely attached, so if you you feel intimidated by other men being close to your girlfriend, then you most likely have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style.
If you’re anxiously attached, then you’re always going to worry when you don’t feel close enough to your girlfriend. And acting out, or battering her as you said, is essentially what’s known as a protest behavior. It’s your somewhat unconscious behavior to get your girlfriend’s attention. When you’re too impulsive and controlled by your insecure emotions, then you’ll make these mistakes that push your girlfriend away instead of bringing her closer to you.
Have you ever been at a store, or bought something, but then you had a really bad week and you let your frustration out on someone who’s maybe not even responsible for your problem? If you’ve ever done that, then you probably know that becoming aggressive in such a situation will only backfire. With a woman it’s the same thing — protest behavior always backfires.
This is why masculine mastery is crucial for a happy marriage — if you don’t master your mind, your mind will ruin your life. Just like lashing out at a barista is a choice, choosing to get jealous is also a choice. A weak man chooses to give in to his impulses. A strong man recognizes his impulses as mere fleeting moments that will pass. A smart and strong man understand himself and his insecurities, and accepts that just because his personality style is on the insecure spectrum, it doesn’t mean that he needs to respond insecurely to every situation.
The easiest way to become more stoic in the face of your natural personality traits is to learn to understand your personal history and how it shaped you:
- How do your own beliefs about your self-worth contribute to your jealousy? Do you have any personal fears or doubts that intensify your feelings of jealousy? Were you an insecure kid who got bullied and now you don’t feel worthy of a great girlfriend?
- Is there some stuff from back in the day that’s messing with your head now? Did you get rejected by a lot of girls as a teenager or did girls only half-heartedly date you until they eventually dumped you for other guys?
- Did you have some situations growing up that make you question if you’re not loved? Maybe one of your parents never gave you the attention you needed, and now you think your girlfriend won’t either?
- Did you model your own behaviors after your parent’s messed-up relationship drama when you were young and is that making you jealous? Do you extrapolate the relationship your parents had into your own relationships?
- Did another woman betray your trust in the past and now you’re subconsciously always on edge about these things now?
Now, all that said, your behaviors in a relationship are a conscious choice. Only beta males make excuses for their failures in a relationship. I don’t believe in the “I can’t change who I am” mindset. No reaction is out of your control. At the very least, you should be able to become more resilient and be less bothered by the guys she has to interact with as a photographer.
And on top of that, you should not be in a relationship where you wish you only had to accuse your girlfriend of bad stuff when it’s too late. That’s not something to strive for at all. What you should strive for is a relationship built on trust that’ll never encounter any infidelity or jealousy issues because you both protect each other’s relationship boundaries.
If you’d be with a woman where you wish you could first wait for a signal that she’s truly unfaithful, then that would be a sign that you’re either far too insecure and need to get your act together, or it would be a clear sign that you’re not with a great woman. So far, I saw no signs that she gave you concrete reasons to be jealous of other guys. What I see is one big excuse to not hold yourself accountable for your jealousy issues.
If your ex girlfriend really is faithful and everything going on with her job is strictly professional, then she should be very frustrated with you if she takes you back after you promised change but then never changed. Never promise an ex-girlfriend that you’ll change if you are too weak to push through with it. If you make up your mind to do better as a man, do it. Don’t do half-measures. Don’t act as if you are not 100% in control of your life’s choices, behavior patterns, and even thought patterns. Your thoughts are a choice. You can choose to spend every moment worrying about things that aren’t true, or you can choose to focus your thoughts on positive outcomes.
Let’s do a what-if scenario: What if your girlfriend is the most faithful woman in town. She’d never think about cheating on you. She doesn’t care about the models at work at all. Now, you got two choices. You can get jealous and start another drama session after she comes home from work. Or, what if you would have thought about a great way to end the night, with a great dinner, a special treat for her or both of you, and then you’d end the night with amazing sex. A man determines the quality of his relationship by leading it in the right direction. Ask yourself whether you were leading your relationship in the right direction. I assume the answer so far is no.
My Ex Moved Out of the House: She has had Enough and my Ex Wants NOTHING to do with me Anymore
Four weeks ago she had enough and then one day when I thought we’d have a great day together we had a conversation about the last guy at her studio. FYI I can often see what’s going on there because she shares her work on her IG stories. She was really angry and frustrated when I started talking about the guy. And after just a really short back and forth, she said that she can’t go on like this.
Long story short: She said that we had to take a break and think things through, she felt we couldn’t get married like this. She moved out of our place and she moved in with one of her close friends who would be meant to be one of her bridesmaids. I don’t think her parents know about it yet and she hasn’t called off getting married, not that we had set a wedding date yet. But she said that she can’t be with me anymore the way that things are right now and she’s not sure if we should stay together.
It’s killing me to know that she’d rather stay with one of her friends than talk things through. I’m really worried that she won’t come back because I’m sure her friend is totally on board with her calling off the wedding. I mean it doesn’t really paint a great picture.
Well, as painful as it is, when your ex-girlfriend has such a negative reaction to you after a breakup, then you can’t chase her at all. Not even messaging her friends is on the cards. It’s as the example of Sisyphus. If you don’t accept that the relationship is dead for now, then you’ll never get it back. Instead, everything will only get worse.
Right now, your ex girlfriend wants nothing to do with you and her behavior is fairly justified. She wasn’t even keeping it a secret what was going on with her work. She’s probably proudly sharing what she’s up to during the photo shootings, or perhaps she’s just having a good time. Women love sharing random and often pointless things on their IG stories. It’s probably your fault for reading too much into this. Again, as I said, if it did bother you so much, then you should have never dated her. You can’t blame your ex-girlfriend for a behavior of hers that you approved of from day one.
The good thing is that she hasn’t asked to call off the wedding. She must be very frustrated with you and on the surface, she wants nothing to do with you and right now that is true. But your ex is not ready to call it quits yet, otherwise she would have called the wedding off. I am sure right now she is hoping that you are going to make a positive change. Of course, there is a chance that she is currently thinking about telling you that she doesn’t want to get married, but this depends a lot on your behavior.
Even some of the worst breakups can be undone if you do proper no contact with an ex-girlfriend. You are obviously a very close couple. Despite your obvious problems, she agreed on getting married, so she must love you deep down. We can love our partner like crazy, sometimes perhaps a little bit too much driven by our emotions, and at the same time have something that drives us absolutely crazy about our partner.
How to Get your Ex Back if she Hates you: Begging and Pleading after a Breakup is NEVER the Right Way
She wasn’t answering my phone calls, and if she would call back it would be hours later or even the next day. Every time I ask her why it took so long to call me back, she says she’s busy and she needs time for herself. Naturally, my right brain is thinking that she is cheating with one of her clients or workmates even though I really think she is with her friend.
I messaged her friend once for help but she said that it was between her and me and that I should give her all the time that she needs and she hopes we’ll solve our issues but she thinks I should leave her alone right now. I listened to her advice at first but I tried to talk to my ex again after the 3rd week.
Stop calling your ex-girlfriend. Trying to call your ex-girlfriend after a breakup when she doesn’t want you is as self-destructive as a cold call salesman trying to call the same business every week to make a sale. If you were that salesman, you’d never make the sale because you can’t get a hint. The person picking up the phone would tell you once or twice that they’re not interested in buying, but at the most on the third time, they’d get massively annoyed that the salesperson won’t stop calling.
However, if you’d maybe only call like once a month, or perhaps only once a quarter or so, your chances would be much higher to close the deal. Now, that analogy is not perfect. You shouldn’t call your ex-girlfriend at all. And you shouldn’t try to close a deal with her to buy into a relationship with you again.
Imagine if you’d be in the salesman situation and you’re the one picking up the phone. How would you feel? I bet after one week you’d think that the person is crazy! Your ex will think that you’re crazy if you keep on desperately chasing her after she dumped you. Her “last straw” moment that pushed her over the edge happened a long time ago. She feels that she gave you plenty of chances to change and now she no longer believes that you can change. You have to think like a salesman: To get an ex-girlfriend back, is has to be her idea to want you back. The incentive for getting back together has to be so big that it becomes a no-brainer to her.
Clearly, it’s not her idea at all right now because she is “busy”, aka, she has plenty of time except for when it comes to talking to you. Besides, it would theoretically even be possible that she’s really busy to some extent, and since she wants her space from you, you’re simply being deprioritized for now. Stop pressuring your ex-girlfriend if you want her to make you a priority again.
On top of that, she can’t be cheating on you if she dumped you. Even if you’re technically still engaged, she has no responsibility towards you right now. Of course, it’s a bit of a grey area matter. At some point you’ll need to know if there is still something left between the two of you, but I doubt it’s the time for that right now.
Obviously, if you’d get back together and then found out that she hooked up with another guy while you were still engaged, I’m sure that would exactly make things better and you’d be justified to be upset, but the reality is that right now you don’t even know if you will get back together or to which extent she even still considers the relationship as worth saving.
That said, I doubt that she is hooking up with anyone, especially with some guy at work. I bet the thought of that would disgust her because the guys at work are precisely what made you lose your cool. But the more important thing to talk about here is that you are not accepting that things are over right now. The fact that you’re thinking about who she’s with, or whether she’s cheating on you tells me that you’re still in “I need to prevent the death of this relationship” mode.
Whenever a man fails to accept that his ex-girlfriend has had enough, he loses all his power because instead of being introspective and improving himself to become stronger, he’s becoming weaker every minute that he keeps on chasing her. Masculine is like a muscle that you need to train. If you rely on your girlfriend’s strength or feel that you can only find strength when you’re with her, then you don’t have any strength at all. You’re using her muscles, not your own.
Stop delaying the inevitable and accept that things are over for now unless she gets in touch with you. At some point you will have to wake up and work on yourself — whether she wants you back or not. It’s better to get started now, than start the process when it’s already too late.
And also, don’t talk to her friend. Just as you said, her friend is of course on her side. Anything that you’d confine in her or any advice that you’d seek from her will not help you at all. She will tell you whatever you need to hear to go off into the distance. And ironically, that is the best thing that you can do.
You’re probably worried that her friend is going to tell her to leave you for good and that she’ll listen to her advice but the reality is that the opposite is likely going to happen. What’s a lot more likely after a breakup is that her friends will tell her to move on, and she’ll somewhat listen to the advice and feel validated in her decision to leave you, but after a while of no contact she will dread that she made that decision.
What you should be focused on and worried about right now is the fact that your fiancé left you almost in an instant — that is a clear sign that you pushed her way too far. Nobody leaves their partner in an instant unless they are either extremely upset with their partner, or because they are highly narcissistic and don’t care about their partner.
Anything that you’re trying to do right now to change the situation will only make it worse, and on top of it, you’re completely ignoring the root cause of the problem: You caused a massive shitstorm with your continuous weak beta male behavior — and that’s what led to the breakup. If you really want her back, you have to address your behavior instead of trying to reach her.
When your Ex Girlfriend is Ice Cold: My Ex Told me to Stop Contacting her and FIX my Issues by Myself
She was angry with me at first, but eventually I got her to talk to me, though she was super cold the whole time. We even had a call but her mood was just so bad. Although it was just a voice call, I could feel the bad energy.
I begged her for us to meet up and talk it through and that we could solve it. But she was just very apathetic / frustrated and told me that our issues aren’t the problem. She said that I needed to fix my own issues and that she can’t help me. She wants me to stop contacting her and asked me to first work out why I’m so insecure.
She suggested that maybe I should see a psychologist and I actually somewhat agreed. I told her we could go to a counselor together but she didn’t want to. She said she had already started seeing a psychologist and she doesn’t believe couple’s theory is what we needed right now. Or well, more like she thinks it’s too late for that.
Yea, the truth is that your ex-girlfriend only talked to you for one reason: She had pity on you when she saw you devastated after the breakup. Your e was so ice-cold with you because she hardly was listening to anything you had to say. You were simply begging more and more, and to her that sounded like yet another round of you promising change, only for her to be disappointed again in the future when you’d be jealous again.
Your ex-girlfriend is correct that the relationship issues aren’t her problem any longer since you broke up already. Now, if you would have gotten married already, then I’d say it’s a different story, but at this point she has not yet agreed to “til death do us part” and to be honest, she also won’t at this rate if you keep on begging her to take you back.
The reality is that going to a counselor together would achieve nothing if you already broke up. You both already understand what the root problem is: Your jealousy. Going to a counselor won’t necessarily fix that problem. Sure, it could theoretically be possible, but at this point she has no reason to look at it from this perspective.
All she wants at this point is a man who isn’t jealous. To her, not being jealous is not rocket science. She probably cannot imagine why you’d be so jealous, so from her point of view, the problems are all your fault. Now, usually I actually wouldn’t say that this is the case. Usually both partners contribute to the problem, but I really don’t think that she is a big part of the problem, or part of the problem at all. She can’t do anything about her job. Either you solve your insecurity problems, or the relationship has no future.
Perhaps one could argue that she could find a different type of photography job in the future… Maybe. Although it’s easier said than done. This might be an avenue to explore in the future, when you both go to couple’s therapy and when you both work on it together. But right now, there’s no way she’s going to make any compromises. After a breakup, an ex-girlfriend wants to make no compromises at all and she couldn’t possibly imagine getting back together. This is why the only way to solve your relationship problems is to give her space and time so she can reflect on this and ask herself if she was too harsh with her decision.
Now, let me re-iterate this one last time before we wrap it up: Do not chase or beg her any longer. Don’t try to convince her to solve the issues. Don’t ask her to go to a therapist together. Don’t ask anything of your girlfriend if you want her back. Again, going back to the Sisyphus analogy: When you demand too many things that don’t belong to you, you will only receive further punishment. Sisyphus actually could have had a normal death. It is only when he tried to get another chance to go back to the world of the living that he was punished to eternal torture. To some, losing a woman whom they married or wanted to marry feels like an eternal torture.
So you need to make a choice: Do you want to lose her forever by keeping on pushing her further away, or do you want to give her the space and time that could ensure another life together?
Maybe she might even agree to the idea of going to a counselor in the future, given that you give her enough time to think it through. But this has to be her idea, or at least, like the salesman does it, she at least has to believe that it was her idea. The idea has been planted in her mind. Maybe she is going to be receptive to it in the future. So give her more time to think everything through.
My Ex Thinks I’m Toxic: Stop Stalking your Ex if she Needs Space from You — You’re Making it WORSE
She has been talking to her own therapist and he apparently made her buy into that idea. He agrees that we should stay separated if we want to solve our issues. I seriously don’t understand what a shit therapist that is. He even suggested to cut all contact for now because… well, I haven’t mentioned it yet, but I tried to see her at her friend’s place but she wasn’t home back then. Her friend was though, and she just told me to go home.
Apparently, me wanting to save my marriage / engagement makes me toxic. I just want to make things right and fix things for real this time. I really learned my lesson but she doesn’t believe me that I’m serious about it. I’m scared to death that she will never try to talk to me ever again because they’re both on her side. What can I do for her to go to couples therapy together with me? Thanks for your help!
You shouldn’t be worried about her being influenced by others about the decision to stay broken up. In the end, we all make our own choices and can’t blame anyone else for them. If she really misses you and wants to save your relationship, she will choose to reach out to you. It doesn’t matter how much someone else has told her that you’re not good for her, she will follow her heart eventually. And if she doesn’t get in touch with you again, or what’s more likely, if she will call off the wedding and have a clean breakup, then that’s something you need to accept.
Just like Sisyphus, you’re better off letting it die. Is that the outcome that you want? No, of course not, but the chances of reconciliation in the future are higher than if you’d try to force her back into a relationship. Of course, there’s a high chance as well that you’ll never get back together, but those are the consequences of your actions that you need to learn to live with.
And speaking of consequences of your own actions, they believe that you are toxic because you have been acting like a stalker when you showed up at her friend’s house. Not only did this make your ex uncomfortable, but your friend as well. It makes you look like a crazy person when you show up unannounced at your ex-girlfriend’s house.
Couples therapy is something that could happen maybe later on. Let her go see her therapist and do what’s right for her. In the end, the only thing that matters is if she misses you in the near future. If she does, she’ll talk to you given that you stop chasing her right now.
What your ex girlfriend needs is a leap of faith that you can change your ways. And the only way how you achieve that is making a real change. Go to a therapist yourself, or like I said, identify by yourself what’s causing your insecurity issues. If you can work through that issue and become even just a tiny bit more secure and less jealous, then as a result, she might hand you a tiny breadcrumb of trust. That breadcrumb can then turn back into a flame if you slowly start talking to each other again. But you’re hoping to go from nothing to a burning flame with your ex-girlfriend — that’s unrealistic and isn’t going to happen. Your relationship is like a vacuum. Dead space. There’s no air for a spark. You need to accept that your relationship is currently dead. If you fail to do so, you will never make progress with her. I know, that seems illogical, but that is the reality of your situation.
The best way to re-attract an ex-girlfriend is to prove to her through your actions that you’re a man of your words. If you really want to change, if you want to overcome your excuses of why you can’t stop being jealous and so on, then start working hard on yourself. Read one or two books on jealousy and reflect on what you’ve learned from them. Build a strong social circle and increase your overall confidence in life. If you show up strong in life, then your ex-girlfriend will be more likely to want to give your relationship another try. However, if you remain weak, keep on chasing her, and don’t address the issue, then you’ll never get another try.
You don’t need a couple’s therapist to address your problems. Not right now, anyway. The only reason why you want her to go with you is so that she can hear you out because you hope that’ll make it better, because that’s how you got her to forgive you in the past. If you want your ex-girlfriend to forgive you, forge a new path and rebuild your confidence without her help. If you can do that, your marriage might still have a chance to be saved. Show her that you can be in your masculine and she might start chasing you. Certainly, chasing her hasn’t worked for you. Stop the chasing, the begging, the stalking, and shift that focus towards yourself.
