Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In this video I wanna do a bit of a different thing. I got two messages from two women who shared their experiences dating assholes, the typical alpha male asshole, and dating a beta male simp. So the first woman has been dating a simp or is dating a simp, and yeah let’s see what she has to say about her experience and let me just do a bit of a commentary here.
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Hi coach, it sounds really awful to say but the guy I’ve been seeing for a few months is just a total simp and it’s such a turn-off. I’m not talking about being romantic or a nice guy. I love that about him. He’s a good listener and is quite romantic, which is awesome, but it’s like his life revolves around me.
So yeah, obviously there’s nothing wrong about being nice, and being romantic, and doing something good for your woman every now and then. You know, if you don’t do that, why are you in a relationship, right? We all need that in a relationship, especially women. They need affirmation and connection with their man, to see “hey he cares about me, he loves me, and I’m cherished and valued.” There’s nothing wrong with that. The bad thing is when you become too much of a nice guy when you let the woman walk all over you and you value her way, way, way more than you value yourself.
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But it’s like his life revolves around me. I feel like I have the power to click my fingers and he’d come running, even though I’d never, and he wants to fill up my schedule with seeing him whenever I have some free time. And I feel bad for requesting a day to myself. I can be out with friends and he’ll literally offer to be my taxi service home. I don’t take advantage of this, obviously. There’s being sweet and then there’s just being submissive. It makes me feel really awkward and it is really unattractive.
Yeah, you want to be dominant, not a doormat. A woman doesn’t want to be with a man who’s submissive. If a woman can tell that she can manipulate you, she will not want to stay with you. Women who can tell that they can play, will not want to stay.
I have spoken with him about this a few times.
So she’s quite assertive, actually. So he’s the beta here in the relationship and she’s the alpha, saying “hey yo, I don’t want this. I want you to be a bit more confident and don’t chase me so much. And don’t be all over me all the time. I need a day for myself now and then.” Stuff like that.
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I have spoken with him about this a few times explaining that I’m just not as needy or intense as he is and it’s fine if he wants to find someone who can better fulfill those needs, but he just agrees with me and then tells me he’ll do whatever I want, saying things like it ‘sounds like you’re just scared of having something so real’
Oh, that’s cringy!
Most things I try to talk about with him with, he just agrees with, or sides with me on, even if it’s not really how he behaves.
So he’s clearly very codependent. Probably has an anxious attachment style. This woman maybe has an avoidant attachment style but she could also just be secure and she’s just turned off by his insecure attachment style. So avoidants are people who push people away. Insecure people, anxious people are people who want to pull people closer. So these are insecure attachments and then there are people who are just generally very secure. They are neither pushing people away, they’re not pulling too much. So maybe she could also be secure. You can’t really tell from the situation but bottom line is she’s definitely more secure than this guy who is clearly a simp. So maybe their attachment styles don’t work well together or at least their security levels don’t match.
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I understand that some people may enjoy this level of dedication of devotion but I don’t even feel like I know him properly yet. I feel like all of our conversations are mainly just flirty or compliments, or whatever. I want someone with a bit of independence and passion but he’s a nice guy and we do get on, so I feel like I should persevere. I don’t know. Do you have any advice? That would be appreciated.
So yeah, so it sounds like he’s giving a lot of compliments and being flirty, whatever like, you said, so he’s trying to please you and it doesn’t feel good to you. You don’t even know this guy properly yet and he’s trying to crawl back up your ass. That’s not what you want. You want one of a man obviously that takes charge. That’s why you’re being so turned off. So my advice would be for you as a woman, obviously, you can’t influence what he’s gonna do. But I would cut him some slack. Obviously, you communicated what you want and I would try to communicate this a few more times. If he doesn’t get it you can’t do anything about that and then you would tell him “hey um maybe let’s just start seeing other people” and maybe he gets the hint, he kind of works on himself a little bit, maybe you still keep in touch, maybe not, but maybe you reach out to him again after a while, because that’s what you women do, and maybe he has changed and then you can give it another shot. It’s the only thing that you can really do.
You can’t domesticate someone like that. You know, you can’t domesticate a small kitten. You obviously want to be with a lion. You want to be with a true king. This guy is not yet a king. You can’t change someone. He has to want to change on his own. What are the odds that he’s going to change? Probably not likely. So maybe he needs to deal with the bad consequences of having a breakup with a woman who wants an assertive man and he needs to get that “hey the way that I’m showing up right now with my life and with women doesn’t work” Maybe he works on himself. Maybe he starts seeing a coach or enrolls in my program, or in some kind of program, or just focuses a little bit more on himself. The same way how you’re focusing on your friends and that’s all you can do here. You can’t really change him. So that’s my advice.
So that was the woman who’s dating the simp. Now let’s look at the woman who is dating the cliche asshole and that’s a quite interesting perspective.
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Hi coach Andy, I’m a girl and in my late 20s. I have had a lot of relationships with both nice guys and assholes. I have dated both types of guys for years. Three years with each and lots of little relationships with both types in between.
So she really knows the dating scene. She’s seen it all and she says like the stereotype
I find myself attracted to assholes. With the assholes, we generally don’t have great conversations or tons in common but I think I’m attracted to the drama of it all. I don’t mean to be. I understand cognitively that I shouldn’t be but physically the sex has been better in my experience and emotionally I am ugh!
So, she’s really into this. So these men, these total assholes, I don’t suggest to be like that. That’s actually a tyrant and she knows that it’s not the right thing but she would rather be with a tyrant than be with a man who’s not a king. So obviously, you want to be a king. You want to be confident like these asshole type of men. Very assertive. Go for what you want. Say what you want. Don’t be afraid to say something a bit devious. And flirt a bit sexual. And stuff like that.
That’s what these assholes do. They just go for whatever the hell they want, which is typically sex. You want to be like that and then of course, you also want to be a good man, right? You want to be a king, who’s good on both sides. You want to have the nice guy qualities who can take care of a woman and not in the simp way. Not like a beta male, but just someone who’s nourishing, who knows how to take care of his woman, because the woman wants to be taken care of by her man. And then you also really want to be strong. And you take that woman because a woman wants to have some exciting adventure. And she says it like the sex is just … she says “just my God, it’s just so emotionally high for her“. That’s what you want to give to a woman.
I have loved the nice guys on a deeper level generally.
Yeah, because they are just more interesting with their personality. They’re more well-rounded. They have more to say. They’re more introspective. They’re more intelligent but exactly because of that they don’t know how to assert themselves. They’re overthinking too much and that’s not what she wants, obviously.
The nicer ones and I talk on a deeper level but the physical element is not the same. It’s not that every as was better looking than my nice guy boyfriends. They weren’t. It’s just the assholes keep you guessing and it’s rather intoxicating. Also, the sex has been better with the assholes. I think the asshole guys being more confident has a lot to do with it.
So she really understands this quite a lot. A lot of women bullshit themselves that this is not what’s going on, that this is not how they feel, they’re empowered women, feminism, blah blah blah, that’s, of course, complete bullshit and a complete lack of awareness, because all women want that. That’s social science. They want that man who takes charge and makes them feel intoxicated.
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Anyway, at some point, I expect I will settle down. I’m afraid of choosing an asshole because in fact, I’m more attracted to them rather than a nice guy, having a crappy life because of it. I don’t want to do this but I’m afraid I will. I’ve dated nice guys who I could imagine being with. We talked all night long, they were romantic, they were sweet as can be, but there was never a throw you on the bed expectedly moment. There weren’t the stressful moments that would freak me out.
But then the high of making up, yeah, that’s just what turns a woman on. You have to do that. And you feel great about it when you do this yourself. When you just start to seduce her or make a move on a woman when she doesn’t expect it. If she’s obviously into you, if she’s not into you, then it’s kind of creepy, and it will repulse her, but if she really is attracted to you and then you make that move when she least expects it, oh man! That turns her on! And you can seduce a woman like that in an instant. It just happens from… she goes from zero to hundred in no time because she wants it. And she’s living proof of it. She wants this. She wants the man who just throws her on the bed and takes her. It’s just what a woman wants deep down.
There was never the rough edge that I longed for. I talked to the nicer guys and I tried to encourage them to be more spontaneous but it never worked. It just didn’t have it in them.
Yeah, it’s the same thing with the simp woman. You can’t convince them. You can’t train a man to become a king. If they are what they are. then they have to change their behavior on their own. They need to have the motivation. And even though you tell them “hey look I need you to be more assertive and I need you to, whatever, bend me over and f me when I least expect it”, or something like that. They will probably be afraid to do that. They feel like “No I can’t do that. This is not good. I’m a nice guy and I’m not like one of those guys.” Whatever.
You know, this is what nice guys tell themselves. That’s not what a woman wants. She wants a man who’s like “I don’t give a shit, I wanna fuck you, I’m gonna bend you over.” And that doesn’t have to be a bad thing because if the woman wants it then there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s literally giving the woman what she wants. It’s the greatest gift that you can give a woman. It’s just how it is. But a lot of men are like “no if I do this, then I’m a sexist, or I don’t respect her boundaries, or whatever” Like what the hell, man. That’s not not respecting her boundaries, that’s just being boring.
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I prefer assholes. I don’t want to but it’s what comes naturally to me. I would like to overcome that urge in me. Also, I should mention the assholes I dated weren’t abusive or anything.
Yeah, see? Sure, sometimes women date abusive men who are assholes. Does happen and that’s obviously a bad choice for all the women who are watching this. Why would she date someone like that? But it just happens because it’s more exciting, I guess.
I was always in a committed relationship. They didn’t cheat, verbally abuse me, or do anything horrible to me, but they were more concerned with themselves and more rude overall. I just wish I could date the confident asshole type of man but he’s less self-absorbed.
This sums it up. This is who you have to be. Take it from this woman. You basically have to be assertive. Kind of like an asshole. We have to push forward in life. So everything in life is a competition. At work, dating, buying a land, real estate, anything. There’s always a winner and there’s a loser and the person who asserts themselves, they’re typically the ones who win. The people who keep pushing forward are the ones who keep on winning. We don’t always win on the first try but if you keep on trying, and trying, and trying, over time we turn out to become the winner and that’s what she wants. She wants the winner who’s not so self-absorbed.
So you can be very assertive and go for exactly what you want, not be so agreeable, go for the woman that you want, but you can still show interest in the woman, and what does she feel like, what’s going on in her mind, is there something that’s bothering her? It doesn’t make you a nice guy just because you show interest in how she’s feeling. Nah, that makes you a good boyfriend. And that doesn’t make you a beta male, that just makes you a man who actually knows how communication works and who doesn’t suck at communication. So you have to learn to assert yourself if you wanna win with women. And yeah, I think this was quite obvious from the female perspective that dating a simp or a nice guy, they don’t want that. And well, actually, they don’t necessarily want to date an asshole either but they will settle for the asshole if they have to, at least for a while until they find a man who’s developed enough to have that confidence of the asshole but is still a nice guy. So you want to become that kind of king. Don’t be a tyrant. Turn yourself into a king and well, this is how I wrap up this video.
Let me know what you think in the comments. Do you like it? Do you agree with this take or do not agree with this take? Like the video, of course, if you like this, subscribe to my channel, and if you need some more help, and since this was a lot about talking about becoming a king, being not a tyrant, not an asshole and instead, being a king, well there you have it, there’s only one book that you need to buy to learn about this: “Unleash The King Within” And I talk a lot about masculinity and how you can embrace this asshole mindset but you don’t have to be that.
Obviously, if you grew up a little bit less assertive, more beta male, you don’t want to be that ass. That’s not who you are. But you want to be a strong king. So in this book, I talk about how you can be a strong confident king with women. You can also buy my “Confidence King” training program or my “Financial Freedom King” training program and as always you can book a coaching session with me. And I will see all of you kings in the next video.
