Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
Today I’ll talk about rebounds and what to do if your ex is in a rebound relationship & she is dating another man. A lot of you who have an ex who is in a rebound relationship with another man think that you have to do something to get her back. But the reality is that most of the time this achieves the opposite result. Action for reattraction rarely leads to satisfaction. Often it backfires when you try to get the attention of your ex because you think she’s falling in love with her rebound.
Unpacking Rebound Relationships: The Impulse To Take Action
You want to get her back from another guy who she’s dating. You’re trying to think of something smart to do or say to her. But then it just backfires. And the reason why that happens and why you feel the need to take action is because of your human bias. We always want to be in control. We want to feel like we’re taking action. We want to feel like we are doing something to drive our life in the right direction. But what happens often is that your action turns off your ex-girlfriend.
When your ex is rebounding, it shows you that she is done with you for the moment. She’s disappointed with you. She has found someone else who she thinks can make her happy and she’s most likely dating a new man as a very impulsive decision. She just had a breakup. She likely has a broken heart, even though you can’t imagine it. She’s very emotional. She’s hurting and she wants to get rid of that pain. But does a rebound relationship last?
The Psychology Behind Rebounds: The Illusion Of Rebound Relationship Happiness
The easiest way to get rid of that pain is not to process it. Not to write about it in a journal and reflect on it. Not to go to a therapist. Not to go to a relationship coach. Not reading self-help dating books. No. The simplest solution is to start dating someone else. And she thinks “Everything is going to be fine if I start dating this new guy,” but the reality is very often that new guy is actually not that great and he’s not a solution. That’s why your ex jumped into a rebound relationship. She thought her new man will fill that void.
We can’t just go to another man/woman when we’re still brokenhearted. Thinking that another guy/girl will fix our problems is futile. That’s not going to happen. Your ex got into a rebound relationship to fix her symptoms, not the cause of the pain. So, what to do when your ex has a rebound? Well, the reality is that often you have to do nothing at all. All you have to do is wait for her rebound to screw up, or for your ex-girlfriend to realize that she isn’t into her rebound. Something’s not right about their “relationship.” And then she starts to miss you and she will reach out to you. There are two stages of a rebound relationship: Denial that this isn’t the right choice. And acceptance that it’s time to leave the rebound.
Rebound Relationship Anxiety: When Your Ex Is Sleeping With Someone Else
So I have a message from a guy who’s in a situation like this. His ex has a rebound and one problem that he had, was that he made a tiny, tiny mistake of neglecting his girlfriend. And usually, it’s in the small details. The small actions that we don’t take lead to the end of the relationship. It’s general complacency. It doesn’t have to be big stuff. We don’t realize how these small things turn our girlfriends toward another man or make her turn away. Make her feel disappointed. Make her feel like she’s not being valued. And we don’t realize how a small change in our behavior could actually fix the relationship or help us to overcome the current relationship problems. So let’s get into his message.
Hey coach I hope you can advise me on what I should do with my ex-girlfriend. She and I broke up three months ago and I’ve been in no contact with her ever since and now she’s having a rebound and I’m feeling confused and anxious at the same time about her rebound. I guess I will share my breakup story first.
It’s normal to feel confused and anxious at the thought of her being with another man. You’re thinking about what are they doing together. Are they having sex? And the truth is: Yes, most likely your ex is having sex with the new guy. Although you can’t know that for sure, of course. The thought of her having sex with another man when you shared a special bond with her hurts. Especially when you’re younger and haven’t had that many important relationships yet. Yes, it really stings like a motherfucker!
But as I said: The best rebound relationship advice is that often you have to do nothing and just wait it out. Focus on yourself. Go your own way. Focus on what you have to do for yourself. You have something that you have to focus on and that is playing in your favor.
Balancing Relationship Priorities: Setting Boundaries For A Healthy Relationship
I guess I will share my breakup story first. My ex and I had been a couple for roughly nine months and things were mostly fine. We didn’t have any big fights or anything like that but I was stupid and got too distracted when I got busy with my work and my upcoming bar exams. I couldn’t make much time for my ex back then and eventually, it got to a point where I didn’t visit her at all anymore even when she’d asked me to come see her. We were living roughly 30 minutes away from each other by car.
Clearly, that’s what caused the breakup. It’s what I said in the beginning: It’s often the small actions that make or break a relationship. Sometimes it’s very, very difficult to manage & balance your life & your relationship. In your scenario, you had your bar exams. I’ve never taken bar exams but I think they’re pretty fucking hard (Don’t tell that to AI though). You must have been studying like crazy. Plus, you had job! So you were super busy.
It’s understandable that you had a tough time making time for your ex-girlfriend back then. But you just need to focus on the small things. Your ex, or back then still your girlfriend would have understood when you were very busy. She understands if you have so much stuff to do. She can emphasize. But of course, she also wants her boyfriend. Even if just for a little, you need to make some time for your girlfriend. Even when you get super busy.
There’s only one reason why she’s with you: Because she’s planning a life with you. But if you are living two separate lives even though you are boyfriend and girlfriend, then why should she be with you? The simple thing that you should have done was meet up with her at least once a week. Of course, you’ve been living 30 minutes away from each other, so it’s a bit more difficult, but it’s not like you need to present the entire world to her. She understands that you’re busy. But a single date per week would have already gone long way to make her feel assured & feel valued. And she would have realized that you care about her and that you’re still going to make her a priority even though you’re busy.
It’s very difficult to find that balance especially when you’re younger and lack time-management skills, prioritization skills and can’t draw healthy boundaries. I had that problem myself when I was “younger”, all the way up to roughly age 27. And I see it all the time in clients of mine who are also in their early 20s. It’s very difficult to manage all of your responsibilities and work can be very demanding. Especially in modern times, work has become way, way, way too demanding with technology to the point where we are always online. We’re always reachable. And we’re always just one message away from our boss or someone else to text us and tell us “I need something from you.” That’s why boundaries are important. Who’s more important to you? Your (ex-)girlfriend or your boss/college professor?
Relationships Are A Choice: Choosing To Make Time For Your Girlfriend
For example, when I see messages on my YouTube channel or I get emails where someone wants free advice on this YouTube channel, I typically don’t respond on the weekend. Sometimes I might do it but 90% of the time, even though at first I felt bad about it, I always say strictly “No. The weekend is not for work!” Even though this is my purpose. Even though I want to help all of you. Even though I know that you guys are really hurting. I will not make time for this. Why am I doing this? Right now I am single and I’m super focused on my career. I’m super focused on this business, my goals, and my grand vision for 2022, 2023, and further beyond.
But I’m aware that in the future, eventually, within the next year I’m going to have a girlfriend again, and then I need to have boundaries. I need to be able to make time for my girlfriend and so I made it a habit to say no to work on the weekends. Hands-off! I’m not going to let work get in the way. No matter how important it is.
There’s only one scenario when I would make time for work on the weekend: If a client or a potential client messages me and we realize it’s an urgent emergency. Then we have a special scheduled session on the weekend where I make special time for it. But it’s planned, discussed, and very rare. You can’t even go on my website and book a session with me on the weekend. If you book it on a weekend you have to wait until Monday. Even my emergency sessions aren’t allowed on weekends. It’s “special invite only”
I make it a habit to have clear boundaries on what I allow in my life. Oh my God, you have no idea how busy it gets with this channel. Subtitles, blog posts, video production, content planning, keywords, working on courses, squeezing in clients. It gets so exhausting. You need clear relationship principles on how you’ll lead your relationship and stick to them, or you’ll become a slave to your demons.
I need to have clear boundaries when I say this is the time when it’s either me-time or it’s time for my woman. Of course, right now I’m single, but it’s a first principle. Always make time no matter how busy you are. You always need to find some rituals to reconnect with your woman. Even if you’re studying for bar exams, and you’re super busy and you can’t figure out “How do I make time? How do I visit her? How do we meet up?”
Keep Her In Love With You: Your Girlfriend Never Leaves With Bite-Sized Affection
You don’t even have to meet up. Maybe have a Zoom call… That sounds like business LOL. Maybe a WhatsApp call is more like it. You get the idea. Have a call. Have a little mini-date with your girlfriend. Give her bite-sized affection. Virtual dates are actually quite fun and they can be relatively short. It’s not about spending an insane amount of time together.
A lot of guys think that they have to spend insane amounts of time with their girlfriend to make her happy but that’s not the case. It’s only a matter of small reconnection rituals. It would be much better to spend five minutes, three times a day, to find a way to connect with your girlfriend, than to spend three hours on one Wednesday once a week. I’m not saying that’s bad. Certainly, that’s better than doing nothing. But it’s the small moments and the small effort that matters to a woman because women want to know repeatedly that you care about them. They’re very emotional creatures. Connection is in their feminine nature. Women care about relationships far more than men do.
Always reassure your girlfriend that she is important to you & that you deeply care about her. Show that you love her. Once she knows this, she will forgive you for all your flaws. She will forgive you when you get busy. She will understand when you have difficulties at work, with some friends, family members, and so on. A happy girlfriend is going to love you and will make compromises. Relationships are all about compromises because we always have things that get in the way. A reachout a day, keeps the rebound away.
Alright, this was a long tangent about how to maintain healthy relationships. Let’s get back to the rebound situation. I hope you got the idea. By being a good partner who is worth remembering for your girlfriend, how could a rebound ever make your ex-girlfriend happy? She probably wouldn’t even be your ex. Is your ex-girlfriend happy with her rebound right now? If that guy makes the same mistakes that you’ve made or others, but now you’ve changed, then she has no other choice but to realize that this new guy is worse, or just as “shitty” as you were. If he has similar flaws and she realizes you have learned your lesson & you’ve changed, then the odds are in your favor because she has a lot of connection with you. She cares about you much more than a brand-new rebound guy.
Handling The No Contact Rule Like A Man: Never Simp After A Breakup
I’m not a simp. I know that it’s not like I could change anything about my busy schedule but in retrospective, I just became too complacent. I could have squeezed in seeing her every now and then just to make at least a little bit of effort but I must have made my ex feel like she didn’t exist at all anymore.
Long story short: I am sure you can guess it… She broke up with me saying that she thinks I don’t care about her at all and that she thinks it’s best that we only stay friends. I didn’t do much begging unlike other people in your videos because I knew I had to focus on my bar exams and I was already emotionally fucked up enough after the breakup. Of course, I tried to change her mind but not longer than a week.
“Congratulations” that you are not a simp and that you didn’t overdo it with the pursuit. It’s understandable if you had a breakup and if she’s been disappointed that you wanted to change her mind. You wanted to tell her “I’m sorry. I’ve been busy. I will do better,” but you couldn’t change her mind. But you only did it for roughly a week, not longer than a week, and you also realized that you couldn’t really change too much about your bar exams and your work.
However, you’re recognizing that squeezing in maybe a date once a week, or meeting up with her wouldn’t have killed you. You could have made time for it, even just driving over to her place and studying over there would have been better than not seeing her at all. Ultimately, not making time for your ex was a choice. You recognize you had to focus on your goals back then, such as your work, your career and your bar exams, and your ambitions. That’s important. But also kept it real and acknowledged what you did wrong.
You didn’t simp. You didn’t beg & plead. You didn’t go down on your knees. You’re not a desperate man and that’s what everybody should take away from your example. This is how you should handle a breakup like a boss. You should always focus on being a king. You know what you want. You had to focus on your bar exams. You hustled despite the hardships. And because you knew that you screwed up, but couldn’t change that right now, you went back to focusing on your bar exams. Great job for not chasing your ex. I know it must have been tough because you felt anxious and I can imagine it must have been so difficult to work on your bar exams, studying, being able to focus, get the work done while feeling like shit. Kudos to you, dude! You’re strong. That strength will attract everything you want. Now let’s get back to your message.
Unexpected Breakup Anxiety: When You Find Out She’s Dating Someone Else
I have since then found out that she has been starting to date a new guy who I assume must be a rebound. Finding out about that guy really kicked up my anxiety a notch and I started missing her like crazy which couldn’t be a worse timing with my bar exams coming up in two weeks. Worst of all, the reason why I’m writing this to you is because my ex recently messaged me asking me how I was doing and said that she just wanted to wish me good luck for my bar exams.
It’s understandable that you really feel like shit. Finding out about the rebound, you’re probably wondering: “What is going on with this guy? Is he gonna replace me?” but first of all, you’re still in touch. She’s staying friends with you because she loves you and she doesn’t really want to sever the connection yet. So she wants to have her cake and eat it too, which is not a cool thing. You shouldn’t entertain this if she’s in a rebound but also talking to you. You shouldn’t talk to your ex and stay friends. Don’t act like you’re friends after you’re broken up. It’s okay to stay friends on social media platforms. It’s OK to stay connected on Messenger. Just don’t text her all the time.
But the good thing that you can see here is that she’s having a rebound who should be making her happy. If you think about this reasonably your ex shouldn’t be thinking about you at all while she’s dating someone else. If you would be with another woman and she’s making you happy, you wouldn’t think about previous ex of yours, even if you had a deep connection. Yes, if you still have feelings for them, you’d think about them occasionally, but if you’d be happy with that new woman, why would you care?
She’s messaging you. She’s thinking about you. She remembered the bar exams. It seems she wants to encourage you to get it done even though that was the cause of the breakup. She actually messaged you because of them. That should tell you something. I’m not suggesting that things are currently not working out with the rebound or that they’re close to breaking up, but she’s clearly having some doubts. When your ex-girlfriend messages you even though she’s with a rebound, the rebound is most likely already on the way out. She’s clearly thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing. she probably also knows that it must have been really tough on you with the bar exams coming up and then breaking up was really difficult timing.
It is almost like a Cliché, such as breaking up on Valentine’s Day, on New Year’s, or Christmas. The dates that couldn’t have a worse timing. Of course, there’s never great timing with breakups, which is why they suck so much. And this is why women often feel really bad & conflicted when they break up with a man because it’s heartbreaking when you break up with someone. It’s tough to find the perfect time when you decide to value your needs before your partner’s and choose to be happy. When is it ever the right time to break up? She must feel bad as well. And clearly, she still has feelings for you, otherwise, she wouldn’t be messaging you at all. So that’s a really good sign!
Reconnecting With Your Ex After The Breakup: Wait For The Rebound To Fail
I don’t really know how to talk with my ex at all anymore. I am just freaked out when I hear from her and I’m afraid that I’m going to say the wrong things to turn her off. Obviously, I still want my ex back. I know that I shouldn’t have neglected her so much and with my bar exams almost done I know that I could finally relax again. I know I shouldn’t keep my hopes up but I wish I could get her back but then there’s the rebound guy who she’s dating and I don’t know if I can or should do anything about that.
Dude, nope! As I said at the beginning: Action for re-attraction rarely leads to satisfaction. You have to do nothing. You don’t even have to message her because as you can see after three months of breaking up, she’s already messaging you again. She’s having doubts about the breakup. She’s having doubts about not being with you. Despite the fact that she’s with some other guy who probably is having sex with her, she’s still thinking about you. He should make her happy. That is incongruent. That is a good sign. You have to do nothing. Let that guy screw it up all by himself. Don’t talk about the relationship. Don’t talk about bar exams. Don’t talk about your mistakes. You should only bring that up if she brings it up.
You should wait for your ex to break up with that guy. I’m not going to pretend that I’m a prophet and that I’ll be 100% right that it’s going to happen & that she is going to break up with this guy, but there’s probably trouble in paradise. It’s not a great sign (for him) that she is messaging you. I wouldn’t even suggest that she doesn’t get along with this guy or they’re having fights. Of course, this could be the case as well but I’m thinking that she’s just not feeling it. She’s realizing this was an impulsive decision. Dating a new man after breaking up with you is completely useless. It solves nothing. She still has feelings for you and that guy, while he’s nice, can’t compare to that. She can’t emotionally attach to him because she hasn’t really processed the breakup. She hasn’t grieved. So how could she start dating someone else?!
Think about it: You have been dating for nine months, I believe. It’s still a relatively young relationship. I don’t think that it has been a long time since she considered breaking up with you. With long-term relationships, your ex-girlfriend has been considering breaking up for a long time — for three months, four months, six months, a year. For long-term couples of 10+ years and couples in marriage, it could be something that has slowly happened gradually over one, two, or three years. She hasn’t thought this breakup through carefully enough.
She just didn’t feel happy anymore and eventually, she drew the line and let it go before she’d get more invested in the relationship. It wasn’t a decision that she thought about for months. Her decision to break up happened impulsively after the relationship became too unbearable for her. Maybe she thought about it for three weeks, plus/minus. But now she realized this was the wrong decision. You’re thinking you are in a bad spot right now with her rebound, but it’s not so terrible. As you said: Your bar exams are almost over. It’s the perfect time for her to break up with this guy or to go on dates with you again. If your ex isn’t exclusive with the rebound, you can hook up, and then get back together. And don’t talk about the relationship until she wants to do so. You don’t even have to convince her. She is going to convince you.
The Ex Back Urge: Wanting To Reach Out To An Ex & Keeping Her In The Loop
Since my bar exams are coming up soon I am not sure if I should let her know how things went after the results come out. I guess it’s kind of weird since they are the reason why we broke up but at the same time she asked me about them before, so I don’t know, man… What would you do?
Well, they were the reason why you broke up but she clearly cares about you/them and they’re a good reason for her to reach out again. So I would not tell her about the bar exams. Why? Because that shows her that you still care about her. Don’t chase your ex. She made the mistake. Don’t get me wrong: You made a mistake. You neglected her, so there was fault on your side. You could have found ways how to give her your time & attention. But ultimately, she made the bigger mistake. You didn’t do something horrifically awful. Your situation was quite understandable. I bet she already forgave you for this.
So your bar exams are coming up in a week or two, right? I googled this — it’s probably not the same in every country, but it takes roughly three months to get the bar exam results. So roughly three months from now you could tell her about it. But I would rather wait for her to ask you. The chances are high that she’s going to know when you got your results. She’s going to wonder about that. I don’t know if she knows the exact date of the bar exams when they’re coming out but she must have a rough idea. So she’s going to wonder why she hasn’t heard from you despite the bar exams.
Maybe she will check out your social profiles. You can post about your bar exams because if you passed the bar exams, that’s a big milestone! Hallelujah! That’s something amazing that you achieved! You focused on yourself. Despite the hardship, you stood strong. Keep on doing that! Keep on focusing on yourself and then when she sees that she’ll think “Wow, he passed his bar exams!” and maybe you passed them with amazing grades despite all the stuff that you went through. She’s going to wonder “How did I ever break up with you?!” and she’ll recognize that you’re smart, dedicated, and ambitious. Nothing can bring you down. That is sexy to an ex-girlfriend!
Eventually, she’s gonna message you again and you can assume, although not guaranteed, that by the time when you received your bar exam results, or even sooner, she has already broken up with her rebound. She may have even already reached out to you. With a rebound, you don’t have to do much. You don’t even have to convince her to get back together.
For the viewers/listeners: What he’s doing right is he’s focusing on himself. Now, I don’t know if you did that due to your mindset or because you had no choice. Maybe both. You had to go to work. You had to do your bar exams. You were busy, so perhaps this happened subconsciously but the bottom line is you focused on yourself. You honed in on your skills, passion, purpose — all the things that you want to do in life. There’s nothing more attractive to an ex-girlfriend than her ex’s purpose & determination.
I’m not sure if bar exams are only for law or also other fields, but you clearly want to aim high in life. You want to become a lawyer and work at a big law firm. You are a man who is trustworthy, and respectable — a man that any woman wants to be with. You’re going to deliver a lot of stability, trustworthiness, and money. You are going to be a catch, dude. So either your ex realizes that she made a mistake, she fixes it, and she comes back or the reality is that you are on the best trajectory to find another woman who will make you happy.
In the future, someone of your caliber, with your skills, with your income potential can have almost any woman he desires because these traits are attractive. You’re successful. You can afford whatever you want to do. You’re going to have personal freedom. You’ll travel & own a nice car & house. Whatever status symbol you want, you’re going to have it. You’re going to look grounded to any woman because you got your house in order. Despite everything that you went through with the breakup, you still managed to do the bar exams.
You are a true king. You already unleashed the king within. Keep it up! Don’t do anything. Wait for her to reach out to you again and then you should try to see if you can meet up with her. And don’t even mention the rebound. And when you meet up you can figure out if she’s still seeing that guy. She might even tell you. The bottom line: You have to seduce your ex again. Eventually, if the rebound is over, or even if they are still dating but they’re not exclusive, there’s nothing that is stopping you from making out with her and showing her that she should come back to you. And I have a feeling you have a pretty big chance for this to happen.
