Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
Today we’re gonna talk about facing the truth that sometimes an ex is an ex for a reason and you should just move on. It’s really tough when an ex actually reaches out to you. Sometimes, you know, if you’re doing no contact but you get some mixed signals and she comes back here and there, sometimes she reaches out, she asks you questions, she seems like she’s into you or at least she’s curious, and you would think okay wow! Well, I guess it’s time to get back together! But nothing ever happens! No matter how often she comes back, it’s just going nowhere! Sometimes an ex just uses you as essentially a, well not even Plan B, not even Plan C, not even plan D.
Maybe Plan E, basically, you’re the last guy she would possibly date. And if all things don’t work out, she’s gonna come back to you, but she just won’t commit to anything. So in a case like that, you just gotta move on and you are a king! You deserve an amazing woman and if a woman doesn’t want you, even if it’s an ex, even if she’s showing you signs that she’s not really sure about you, like at some point it’s time to find a new woman. Alright, so let’s go into the message of a guy who is exactly in a situation like this. Let’s see what is my advice.
No Contact Rule For 2 Years: Never Do No Contact With A Timeframe In Mind — It Always Backfires
Hello coach, I know you hear it all the time but I really, really hope you’ll make a video about my story with my ex because I’m feeling extremely confused about everything. My ex, Julie, and I, we broke up a long time ago. It’s been more than two years and I have been pretty much radio silence with her for most of the time.
So let’s look at the most obvious fact here. You’ve been broken up for a relatively long time. Two years. Okay, it could be longer. I’m not gonna lie, sometimes exes come back after many, many years but basically, it’s been two years that whatever has been going on, nothing is working out! And you say it yourself: After two years you’re still incredibly confused! Is this the kind of woman that you want to be with? At some point, the confusion has got to stop and if a woman feels confusing to you, that’s not just with an ex, but also just in dating in general, if a woman always flakes on you, doesn’t make time for you, doesn’t seem to appreciate you properly, if she makes up shitty excuses or something is incongruent about her, if you’re always confused with a woman, you gotta find yourself a woman who doesn’t confuse you.
The truth is if you would be confusing with another woman, if you would really frustrate a woman, she would just run away! She would find another man in no time! So sometimes you should do the same and find yourself another woman in no time! Because you as well can find another woman, even though you might not know it, because of course, women have it easier to finding a man but you can also find an amazing woman! So just something to think about. Should you be confused after such a long time? Probably not!
I Broke Up And Wanted Her Back: When You Are The One Who Broke Up Before No Contact
Our breakup was kind of mutual but sort of also not. I initiated a breakup after being a bit too emotional. We had lots of fights before the breakup. So anyway, I immediately regretted the breakup and begged way, way too hard back then, but she treated me like I never existed and her entire behavior was as if we never even dated. It was so harsh and cold. After some time of begging without any success, I started no contact, stopped and focused on myself instead. I mostly followed the Radio Silence method while doing so.
Good! So this sounds really difficult. If an ex just acts as if you never existed. Honestly, this doesn’t happen too often. After a breakup it might happen that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore, she has clear boundaries, she tells you “Sorry, I’m done with this and I need my space” but if an ex really acts like you just don’t exist at all, like an entire relationship never even existed, no closure, nothing, like this, this is kind of something that typically narcissists do. So this is called a discard, when basically, you just don’t exist anymore. They are a ghost and your entire existence has never existed. It’s like the multiverse! What’s his name… Doctor Strange! He just erased all the memory of you and it’s like your relationship never even mattered. Oh gosh, spoilers! But well, if you haven’t watched the movie spider-man no way home yet, well, you don’t want to feel like Peter Parker who is all alone, essentially.
So if you are treated like you’ve never existed, that should be kind of a red flag. Not being happy with you, being kind of turned off, being angry at you, being disappointed with you, being a little bit cold towards you because she wants her space… This is fine. But if you basically never existed, that should be kind of a red flag. But anyway, it is a good thing that you started focusing on yourself and that you stopped begging because clearly that didn’t work and she didn’t care at all anymore. She was very harsh and cold and yeah anything that you said to her had no effect anyways. So whether this is kind of a narcissistic behavior trait of hers or she’s just been really upset for some reason, well, it wouldn’t have helped anyway. So it’s a good thing that you started focusing on yourself. So let’s see what he says next.
I Did 100% No Contact: Don’t Look At Your Ex Girlfriend’s Social Media During No Contact
So that’s when I started proper no contact and in a nutshell, I never talked to her again. I didn’t check her social profiles because it hurt too much seeing her posts. This was the darkest time of my life. I was so heartbroken and felt extremely lost. If I would have chased her more, I can imagine I still wouldn’t have recovered from this by now.
So it’s a good thing that you basically completely detached, completely unplugged, essentially. It’s a good idea to always unfollow your ex! You don’t have to necessarily let her know… But on Instagram, you can mute. On Facebook, you can unfollow. Most or probably every social platform has a feature like this where you can essentially mute somebody and you don’t want to see anything about your ex and this helps you with the recovery process. And so as you can see with him, he is still confused after two years! But imagine how much more confused he would be if he wouldn’t have even properly recovered yet and he would have not focused on himself! And anytime that his ex reaches out he would be so devastated!
I’m sure it’s already stressful enough whenever his ex reaches out, but at least by detaching, by unplugging from his ex, he doesn’t think about her all the time and he gets more time to focus on himself. So when she then comes back, yes, it can still be confusing, but you have a little bit more rationality to it. Basically, you’re a little bit more stoic about it. You can reflect on it more with your brain, rather than with your heart. Because our heart always tells us the wrong things, unfortunately, and so this is why probably if you’re watching this video right now, all the advice that I’m giving you, you can really take it with your brain, not just with your heart. Because you unplugged! So that’s a good thing and everybody should be doing this who’s watching the video.
When Your Ex Keeps Reaching Out: Does My Ex Want Me Back Or Is She Playing Games?
So here comes the problem: My ex is all over the place. As I said I’ve never been the one to reach out to her. Instead, she has messaged me at least five to seven times in the last two years.
So if you hear this and he has been doing no contact perfectly and she’s reached out five to seven times in the last two years, you would think wow this is awesome! Right?! So five, seven times to reach out, that means that you could have set up five, six, seven dates and you could have seduced her. But clearly, you’re confused and everything is all over the place. So that by itself already tells me that’s kind of a red flag. So even if you would really suck at this, look, I’m gonna be real. Even if you would be really bad at facilitating a date to happen if there are seven times when she reaches out… I mean either you’re really, really freaking bad at setting up a date and seducing your ex and making something happen, or she’s just playing you and I think it’s more likely that she’s playing you after five to seven times when she reached out and nothing happened. That is kind of a red flag.
And I would say that I tried to do the right thing and suggested meeting up, having dates, get to know each other. This only happened once though. We met up one time about six months after the breakup. We even talked about what went wrong between us but everything was one-sided. She has always been very distant and not really shown me a lot how she feels about us, except for implying that it didn’t make her happy.
So that sounds kind of narcissistic-ish… Am I gonna cut this out? No, it sounds kind of narcissistic-ish, because she’s not taking accountability for her faults. It’s all your fault that you broke up, right? So she left you and okay, you were emotional, and then you broke up. I don’t know how emotional you were and how warranted it was that she just didn’t give any fucks anymore but then she disappears and then everything is your fault. Maybe everything was your fault, honestly, could be, but I mean what’s the point? Is she gonna ride on top of this forever? Is she gonna tell you forever that you were too emotional?! Look, if she’s so resentful and if she can’t let it go and she’s not narcissistic, you can’t do anything about that. You got to move on. If she is narcissistic and she just basically looks for a scapegoat, she’s looking for someone that she can abuse emotionally. Abuse verbally, abuse someone that she can put down. You gotta move on as well!
Is My Ex Confused Or Stringing Me Along: When Your Ex Reached Out But Won’t Commit To Dates
Aside from that one date, she never agreed to actually see me. It’s like she messages me kind of seeming as if she’s interested in me and/or our relationship… I mean she literally asks about how I’ve been and asked me about our relationship and advice on trying to make sense of it all but then she always just goes cold again and then it repeats after months of not hearing from her.
Well, so I don’t know what you’ve done in this case but if she would message you like this, and she’s trying to ask about the relationship or trying to make sense of it, then you could suggest “Let’s meet up and do you want to talk about this over dinner?” and it sounds to me that you’ve done this, because you said that you’ve been trying to suggest some dates and it’s not going anywhere. So maybe she’s just hoping for you to acknowledge that you are the one who made all the mistakes again. She wants to feel better about herself. The bottom line is no matter what happens, she always goes cold, and it’s like… It’s almost like she comes back just to let you know “Everything was your fault… And I would like to figure out what went wrong between you but somehow I still don’t want to talk about it.”
So it’s kind of very incongruent! That should be a red flag for you! This doesn’t seem like she’s really interested about figuring out what went wrong, or making sense of it, because if she would, then she would actually take action and meet up with you, or talk about it, have a phone call, have a video call, send you a voice message. It doesn’t really matter. She would do something, but is she doing anything? Nope! You gotta pay attention to a woman’s actions, or inactions, because a woman can tell you a lot of BS but if that isn’t followed up with actual actions, sorry, but she’s just fooling you!
Your Ex Is Not Worth It: When Your Ex Keeps Contacting You She’s Keeping Your Hopes Up
The advice that I want from you is the following: I won’t lie, I still love her as if it was yesterday, and whenever she gets in touch I get my hopes up but it’s been more than two years now and this does more harm than good. I am torn between my feelings for her and the knowledge that I’m living in the past.
So you’re relatively conscious about what’s going on here. I think you know the answer already to your problem. Clearly, you’re living in the past and she’s kind of trying to keep you there because let’s face it, in two years you could have met an amazing woman! Maybe you even met some amazing women, but it is really confusing when your ex always comes back and you’re like “Okay, this is it! Now we can make it work! But then you can’t make it work!” … So maybe you hold out on another woman. Maybe you don’t date another woman yet. Maybe you’re not able to fully commit to the woman that you’re dating and this is shitty for you! It’s also shitty for any woman that you might be dating, even if it’s just casual or very casual… It still sucks if you’re basically willing to date another woman but she doesn’t realize that you’re not ready for her because you’re still kind of stuck somewhere in between in the past.
And this is probably what your ex is doing and you’ve said it very clearly, that you feel like loving her feels like it’s been yesterday. This reminds me of my ex who encouraged me, or inspired me I guess was the better word, to create this channel. She had a lot of narcissistic traits like this as well and even now I haven’t heard from her in I don’t know… I haven’t spoken to her in such a long time and part of me always feels like I still love her. If I would run into her maybe in Bali because she either is in Bali… she’s in the same beaches that I hang out, basically surf beaches, and if I would run into her, I’m sure my heart would be beating fast. And I know exactly why I feel like that. Because she left everything kind of like it happened with you. Very much okay bye I’m out of here! And see you never! And then she would come back.
This is kind of abusive behavior that makes you cling to another person. It makes you cling to that woman and makes you feel like you love her, but the truth is you don’t really love her and you’re just being fooled by her behavior. So don’t get fooled by this… Well, it’s kind of like a mix between emotional highs that you’re getting when she reaches out to you but also she pulls you down because she always blames it on you… So that’s kind of a red flag. You should probably move on from that!
Ex Won’t Commit But Won’t “Let Go”: Let Your Ex Girlfriend Go And Find A Better Girlfriend
I want to move forward but I can’t because she keeps on giving me these mixed signals. How do you know when it’s time to move on? I mean maybe I did something wrong and she actually wants to be with me and I just don’t know it. Otherwise, why would she still ask about me, right? So yeah, that’s why I’m so confused. Thinking about these things really sucks the energy out of me. So I hope you can advise me what you think is best for me.
That is the answer on what you should do. It sucks the energy out of you! As soon as something happens like this… Have you ever been in a job that you just freaking hated and sucked the life out of you? I remember this… I worked in this company a few years back in the Philippines and this company was just so freaking toxic. Worst boss I’ve ever had in my life. And everybody who’s ever worked there thinks the same way and the company profile of that company is just narcissist, narcissism, and worst boss ever. And this guy is just crazy! It’s like sometimes you work for bosses, or companies, you’re just wondering “how the fuck did I ever do this to myself? How did I ever accept a toxic work environment like this where I just felt so depressed and it sucked the energy out of me?!” … and I can still remember that with this girl that I was into there, I was kind of dating her, she was my co-worker and she was so cute… She was so hot!
Anyway, she literally cried at work. This is kind of the level of sucking the energy out of you! Would you want to work in a place like this? No! Would you want to date a woman like this who also always confuses you and sucks the life out of you and the energy out of you? Of course not! So how do you move on or how do you know when it is time to move on? When you get this repetitive pattern where you always feel confused and you feel like you have no energy and you don’t feel positive. Whenever you hear about a woman who you love, you think that you love her, right? It feels like you’ve loved her for such a long time but do you really love her?! Does it actually feel good? Does it feel positive? Nope!
So that ex that motivated me to create this channel, I blocked her. I blocked a lot of friends of hers as well. I didn’t want anything to do with her because I knew whenever she did that, whenever she reached out to me, I felt like I was just being pulled down! I was being pulled back three months, six months. Everything just felt like shit again. Whenever she reached out to me because she was doing this on purpose. And so sometimes you gotta have some boundaries and just say why the fuck am I doing this?! Like right here, if I’d open Tinder, if I’d open Bumble. if I go to the grocery store, if I go to a bar, if I go to a club, if I go to hell who knows where..! I’m going to meet a woman who is amazing!
A friend of mine, he is currently in Bangkok and he’s a nomad as well, and he was kind of like me, stuck for the longest time, unable to travel. Now he’s traveling, he’s going to beaches again, he’s going to bars, he’s partying, he’s meeting his friends in Bangkok and he’s having a great life again. And he always tells me about the chicks. He literally sent me some pictures today of some girl that he had a spontaneous date with. So there are women everywhere that you can meet and if she doesn’t feel good, you got to move on from it! And sometimes an ex is just an ex for a reason.
So I think you should just move on, except that this is never a pattern that is going to resolve in a satisfying way. You tried everything already. I think you’ve done everything right. You’ve done no contact right. You tried to invite her out on dates. You probably also tried to talk about it and she said she wanted to talk about it but nothing happened. You don’t want to be confused for the rest of your life! You are a king! You deserve an amazing woman! A queen! And I don’t think she’s a queen! And with that said, I hope this advice was useful for all of you. Let me know in the comments what you think, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within!
