Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about what if you’re doing no contact but your ex is also doing no contact? Or well, at least, what if you think she might be doing no contact? Perhaps you’re overthinking this. Maybe you’re thinking “She’s been reading or watching the exact same stuff that I’ve been watching online on YouTube, and she’s clearly following the same strategy, because I haven’t heard from her for such a long time. So I probably should message her,” and maybe you’re bullshitting yourself. Maybe you’re just looking for an excuse to actually message her. But that’s just one of the reasons why you might think that she’s doing no contact. Anyway, let’s go into a situation from a guy who is having these thoughts. He’s thinking “What’s going on? I haven’t heard from her! And I actually think she misses me. But she doesn’t want to reach out to me!“… So well, let’s see what is my advice for him.
Communication Issues: Bad Communication With Your Girlfriend Always Leads To A Breakup
Hello coach, I have a very peculiar situation with my ex-girlfriend. I think it is a very unique no contact scenario. So first of all, our breakup itself was nothing special. It sounds very similar to a lot of the breakups discussed in your videos. We basically had lots of small communication issues that got bigger and bigger over time. And of course, we’ve been fighting like cats and dogs until we had one that escalated and we broke up.
That’s typically how it goes. And a lot of you guys just don’t realize how much you’re screwing it up. And so why am I saying you’re screwing it up? Now, obviously, sometimes the woman is at fault as well. Very often, a woman is at fault as well, and of course, she can also be super toxic. But it has been studied that most of the time, when breakups happen, the guys don’t know why it happened. They don’t really understand what went wrong there, or what you said wrong, or how you didn’t properly listen to her, or not understand her properly. Whereas on the other side, women always know quite precisely what they didn’t like and why they broke up. And so typically, it is the cycle of you having fights or disagreements, and so on, and it’s the cycle of the woman clearly knowing she doesn’t want what’s happening once. Okay, she thinks “It’s fine. We had a fight.“… It happens again… “Whatever, I love him.“… It happens a third time… “Okay, this is starting to kind of weigh on me.” And this happens over, and over, and over, and the woman already knows all the time that she doesn’t want this. She’s not happy with this. But she takes up with it because she loves you. But at some point she says “I love you so much but I love myself more,” and so you gotta pay attention to what is going on in your relationship.
And if you’re having a lot of fights, you should really tell yourself “I gotta fix this,” because at some point she’s gonna grow tired and she’s going to leave because she knows exactly what she wants and doesn’t want. And as I said, just statistically, for you guys it’s more common that you don’t really know how you’re not happy with this. Yeah, sure, you might be unhappy, but you probably haven’t thought it properly through. And that’s the difference between men and women. And so it’s much more likely that a woman is going to break up with you than the other way around. So when there is trouble on the horizon more than once, you gotta fix it. You gotta address it. And you gotta address it in a healthy way, or at some point it’s just gonna escalate and it’s gonna get too worse, and then, as I said and like you just said yourself, you broke up. It escalated. And you broke up. So when that shit happens, address it & talk to her, even though it’s uncomfortable. Even if you don’t like whatever she says. You gotta talk with her about it. And even if it feels like an attack, she wants to know that you love her and so you gotta talk about the problems.
Really Bad Breakup: I Insulted My Ex Girlfriend When We Broke Up And I Regret The Breakup
Lots of mean words were thrown through the room and I think at that moment, neither of us wanted to be together anymore, though I have to admit that my ex was just expressing her unhappiness, whereas I was attacking her more personally, which really wasn’t the right thing to do. I didn’t understand this back then but after watching many of your videos, I finally understand that the goal should be to understand each other, not to attack each other. I wish I had understood this back then.
Yeah, so precisely! Your woman essentially is just looking for a spark. When your woman fell in love with you, I’m sure you can remember that time or that moment when she saw you for the first time, or she looked into your eyes for the first time, and you could tell she really likes you, and you saw that spark in her eyes, and it made you really happy to see that spark. That is the spark that she wants to see. That’s the kind of spark that she wants to feel. And so when you’re having a fight, when you’re not getting along and there’s a lot of big problems, she’s not fighting with you because she wants to get back at you, or because she wants to hurt you because she wants to tell you that you suck and it’s like “I just want to let you know that I hate your family, and everything that you do is wrong, and the way that you sleep at night is not right, the way that you don’t clean up things in the house, or how you make a mess in the house is not right“… Something like that. She’s not saying that because she wants to basically bash you and put you down. Some women do that because they’re toxic, yes.
But ultimately, she’s just doing that because she’s actually looking for a sign. She’s looking for that sign that you still love her and that you’re going to make an effort for her to bring that spark back into her eyes. To bring that light, that shimmer back into her eyes. How she feels so in love with you, that every moment when she wakes up in the morning, she’s just so happy to be with you. She’s gonna cuddle you. She’s gonna kiss you. Maybe she’s gonna give you a surprise blowjob. Whatever. She’s just gonna be so happy to be in your presence. That’s what she wants to feel. And so of course, when you’re then attacking her, when all she just wants to see is “Does he care about me? Does he listen to me? Does he understand how I feel?” and if you then show her that you understand that and that you’re willing to listen and understand it, even though you’re a man & you don’t fully understand her, you’re making the effort.
At that point, she feels heard and she feels like you’re there for her. You’re there for you as a couple. You’re committed to this. You’re both a team that works together, even though you’re not perfect, you’re working together. That’s what she wants to see. But of course, if you’re attacking her and are being defensive and using these arguments as a means of getting back at her because you think you have to get back at her, of course, that shows her that there’s no spark. It’s the exact opposite. You’re trying to remove that spark and she doesn’t want that. And obviously, that makes a breakup much worse. And also not just about breakups in general, this is something that you need to understand about fights, in general. You have to put the spark back, not remove the spark. Otherwise, you’re just gonna break up at some point. Obviously.
My Ex Misses Me But Won’t Admit It: She Hasn’t Reached Out During No Contact — What Now?
This is actually the reason why I started begging at first because I regretted a lot of the things I said to her and I felt that I had fucked up quite a lot. The way I ended it with her. I don’t think she really hates me. She was just airing her grievances and I took it too personally. So anyway, of course, *drumrolls* the begging had no effect, so I went no contact and I’ve been no-contact with my ex for almost two and a half months for now. I haven’t heard anything from her but here’s where it gets kind of confusing. I happen to have found out from a friend of a friend who is BFFs with my ex that she really misses me.
That was a complicated sentence to read. Basically, he was saying that he heard from a friend of a friend… That friend is BFFs with his ex and said to him/her that she misses you… Okay, so that’s what you heard. I’m sorry, that sentence confused me.
Basically, she’s not doing as great as I thought she was. I thought that she wasn’t missing me at all because I haven’t heard anything from her but I guess I was wrong. So that made me wonder…
So before we go into what you wonder and of course, you’re gonna wonder what does she think. I think a lot of people make this wrong assumption that you think your ex doesn’t miss you, and she’s fine, and she’s happy without you, and you’ve been begging like crazy and so now you haven’t heard from her forever, and she’s moving on with life, and she’s posting great stuff on social media. Maybe she has a rebound or she has all of these selfies with her friends and she’s partying, or whatever. And you think “I screwed this up. It’s over. She’s done with this. She has accepted that this relationship is doomed to failure. She accepted that I didn’t make her happy. She accepted that I’m not good enough for her.”
And of course, after a breakup, you tell yourself that you’re not good enough because you hate yourself. You don’t know who you are anymore. And you’re just so confused about your life. And so it’s natural that you don’t think that you are a king. This is why I always remind you all to be a king, to remind yourself how freaking amazing you are. Because that’s why she fell in love with you. That’s why anyone falls in love with you. Your friends. The women that you date. And of course, the woman that at some point, you go into a relationship with, and maybe even married. At some point, she fell in love with you because she thought that you’re a king. So remind yourself of that.
And it’s important to remind yourself that also by the way, things are not as great as they seem. She’s feeling the same pain that you’re feeling as well. You might tell yourself that she’s not in pain and yes, maybe she’s suppressing it to some extent. Maybe she’s doing a rebound, but at some point, she’s gotta confront that pain, and gotta confront the fact that yeah, this is not easy. She misses you. Being without you is not that easy. Of course, if you’ve been together for only a few months, it’s much easier. But if you’ve been together for a year, two years, three years, the longer it gets, the harder it becomes, because you’re such an integral part of your lives and you can’t just replace that so easily.
I think most of you who come to my channel, you really care about relationships. And you want to make relationships work. It’s really important to you and so if it’s so important you to have a meaningful relationship, that it’s important to you to be with a woman who makes you happy, then I am assuming she’s the same way. And you probably wanted to plan a life together. And if you’ve planned a life together and then all of a sudden, all of that is uprooted, and you broke up because you had problems and you couldn’t resolve them, and then just in the heat of the moment it ended… That’s painful!
That is really freaking painful. And nobody wants that. And she doesn’t want that. And she’s not as happy as you might think she is. And so, yes, she probably misses you. So in your case, you found out that she misses you, but a lot of you don’t find that out and then you’re like “She’s done with this,” but honestly, even if you don’t find out that she misses you, most likely she does miss you. That’s just a fact. I read so many studies about breakups, and most of them are focused on the pain after the breakup, and missing an ex, or thinking about an ex. Almost everybody does it. That’s just reality. It’s basically, essentially, yes, it’s a statistical fact. And you should accept that as true. That’s just how it is and yes, there can be some exceptions, but most likely there won’t be an exception. So take that to heart. It’s a really important knowledge.
Is My Ex Waiting For Me To Contact Her: What If She Is Also Doing No Contact And Wants Me To Reach Out?
What if she is also doing no contact? I mean in that case, we would both be doing no contact indefinitely and we’d never talk to each other. One of us has to take the high road and reach out and break the ice. I don’t know if that is a good or a bad idea. Essentially, we both made our mistakes and we both miss each other, so that’s a clear sign that there’s still hope for us to get back together, right? What should I do now? I am really not sure if doing no contact won’t just keep us apart, rather than helping us get back together. In case she’s also doing no contact, it’s like we’re two stubborn people who won’t admit that they love each other lol. I hope you can give me advice if it makes sense to break no contact, to use the fact that she’s missing me to get back together.
So there are two reasons why you shouldn’t break no contact, even if you know that she misses you. I still wouldn’t do it. Number one: You are the one who has been begging. You’re the one who has been pleading. So that tells me that all the power is on her side. And you already apologized, basically. Begging and pleading is, in a sense, a form of apology, or at least it’s a signal to show “I made a mistake. I wanna undo this,” even if you don’t clearly state how you did things wrong, even if you haven’t shown properly that you’ve reflected on it, you’ve shown that you really want her back, and you want to make this work, and even if you haven’t apologized, she should come back. She should message you.
Then, at some point, you start dating again or maybe you keep talking about the problems and try to resolve them. And then she’s gonna realize that you’ve learned your lesson and you’re gonna try to figure it out you, get back together, maybe the problems repeat again and you can then actually work it out, or not, and then you’re gonna break up again. But that’s what she wants to see. She wants to see if you can make it work again. So ultimately, with begging and pleading, you’ve shown her that you are willing to take a step to make this work. And so if you just keep on messaging her now, even though you know that she misses you, there’s a chance that she might be turned off, or maybe also you’re just not ready for it yet. Maybe you’re gonna be a little bit insecure and you’re gonna say the wrong thing and then she stops missing you, at least for a while. And so this could backfire.
The second reason is: You don’t really know how much does she miss you? Yes, okay, you’ve heard that she misses you, but clearly, she doesn’t miss you enough yet to actually get over her ego and message you. I know you’re also not getting over your ego, technically, in a way, but the bottom line is you are the one who has been begging and pleading, so she knows that you want her back, and so if she misses you, she should message you. Is she messaging you? No. That tells me that it is something that makes her hesitate. So maybe she’s telling herself this is not the right thing for her. She’s not really sure. And look, if she’s not sure about this, if she would message you right now and she would realize a day later this is not for you, guess what? That’s gonna hurt like hell. So think about what if you message her, which of course, is going to have less of an impact, or she’s going to have less attraction to you, rather than the other way around. If she’s the one who reaches out to you, if it’s her idea, because that makes her miss you even more, so at that point when she reaches out, she’s very high on the scale of missing you.
So maybe she just misses you on a scale of 1-5, maybe she misses you as a 2. But you want her to miss you like crazy. At a 5, because when she then reaches out, if it’s a 5, that tells you she’s willing to make this work. Now, I’m not saying that she is gonna get back with you and you’re gonna talk about these things and she definitely will take you back. Of course, it takes work. It’s important that you don’t do any mistakes when you talk with her, but it’s just much more likely if she just misses you on a scale of 1-5, with a 1, it’s just like “Meh, maybe let me just check out what he’s doing but I don’t really care because I have other guys that are messaging me as well” and you’re kind of like… You’re a Maybe, basically, then she sees tiny little things that she doesn’t like… Insecurity, for example, that you most likely have. Guess what? She’s gonna be turned off and then she’s gonna be gone again for months. So it’s better to just wait it out. Get to that point where she misses you enough, at a 5, or let’s say with a scale of 1-10, a 10, that makes more sense. I think that scale. She has to be at that point where she’s dying to talk to you and she’s like she can’t deal with the loneliness anymore. She can’t deal with missing you. She can’t deal with the pain anymore. She can’t deal with the regret of walking away from this, because you are clearly the one who wants her back. So even if you might not have begged, I mean if you’re the one who wants her back more than her, then you gotta wait it out.
But ultimately, the way I see it is that you are a king. I always want to remind you that you’re kings and if a woman won’t come back to you, then look, dude, it’s just not meant for you. I know you could say the same thing in reverse, of course, if you screwed up like crazy then yes, of course, then you should maybe have an apology and message her, but it has to be a very extreme scenario. This is typically where my coaching sessions come in. So I often talk to my clients and they want to know what is the right move because obviously, every situation is different and sometimes there are very specific circumstances, or life circumstances, for example, where you have to figure out what is the next best step? Do I talk to her? I’m currently in town and I’m only gonna be here for three days. Maybe I’m gonna try to make my move and if it works, at least I shot my shot. And if it doesn’t work, well, at least I tried. No harm done. It really depends on your situation. But most of the time, you should just wait it out. You should wait to hear from her. That is the best sign to actually make it work.
So dude, I would still wait because maybe she doesn’t miss you enough and ultimately, I always want to encourage all of you to be with a woman who just freaking loves you and she just misses every moment with you. So think about the time when you were in a relationship and even if your girlfriend might not be clingy, but it’s new, it’s first six months, maybe something like that, then she’s not really a jealous type, she’s not an anxious type, but still she messages you all the time. She can’t wait to go home from work. She doesn’t even want to be at work. She just wants to have sex with you, cuddle with you, watch Netflix, watch some movies, go out go to a coffee shop all night. Even just being at a coffee shop and cuddling, something like this is good enough for her. This is the kind of level of interest that you want.
And also, that’s the kind of interest that you want after a breakup. You have to get back to that same kind of interest where she’s dying to see you, or rather, by not seeing you, that is killing her. So I think you should wait it out. That’s my advice for you. Is she doing no contact? Maybe, maybe not. We never know. We can’t know, but even if she is, look you apologized by begging and pleading, so she should make the next move because you already sent the signal that you want her back. So now she needs to send you a signal. So that is my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within you.
