Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about no contact and the confidence to actually do no contact. So I have a message from a guy who has been failing to do no contact. He broke it two times, he’s on the third try now, and he’s basically not able to cope during the breakup. And because of that he’s messaging his ex and of course, you all know breaking no contact or not doing no contact is not going to really solve anything. It’s just going to make it worse. So let’s get into his message. Let’s see what I have to say about his situation and his choices. So let’s get into it.
When Your Ex Doesn’t Want You Back: Finding The Courage To Walk Away After Being Dumped
Hello coach, I need your help with my breakup. I know that you are a strong advocate for no contact and doing your own thing, but despite having listened to lots of your videos, I still haven’t found the courage to actually do it or to be more precise, I’ve tried to do no contact but I just can’t. I just can’t stick to it because I always worry far too much about my ex.
Now, that is of course the wrong mindset. It actually achieves exactly the opposite of what you want to happen. So you always worry about your ex, right? So you’re probably thinking what is she thinking? Is she thinking of me? Does she miss me? Is she seeing someone else? Is she moving on? Is she having a great time? Has she moved on? Has she forgotten that I exist? Maybe she thinks everything that we’ve had sucked? And so on so forth. You have all of these thoughts in your head. Worries, right? And so you’re thinking wait, I gotta do something about this because I’m so worried that if I don’t do something, it’s gonna basically go exactly how I feel it’s gonna go. Really worrisome. And it’s gonna go to shit and I’m gonna lose her forever, but the ironic part is that if you would just do nothing and you would stop worrying, then there would be nothing to worry about. So the thing is with worrying and trying to pursue, you create exactly the thing that you don’t want. Once you stop worrying and especially once you stop focusing so much on your ex and rather focus on yourself, then things are gonna get much easier.
First of all, it’s gonna be easier for you to not contact your ex, to stick to no contact. But you’re also gonna focus more on yourself and to actually discover what do you want. How do you feel right now. What do you want for your life? Because after a breakup, it feels like you don’t really know who are you anymore. That’s why you miss your ex and so because you felt so close to your ex and depending on how long you’ve been together, let’s say you’ve been together for let’s say hypothetically five years… Five years you’ve been together with your ex and she was part of your identity. So now you have to craft a new identity and you actually have to figure out who do you want to be and this is probably one of the parts why guys worry. You actually think that she’s figuring out what is her new identity. What does she want. Who’s she going to be. And this is why she is “winning” and you are “losing” because you’re not crafting a new identity. You’re not figuring out who you want to be.
Now look, just because she’s crafting a new identity doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want you anymore. She just figures out some new parts of herself because of course, while you’re dating, you’ve grown, and so now she’s re-assessing everything, and she’s trying to figure out “How do I move forward in the future with or without you?“… but it can also work with you. Just because she for example, now wants to pursue opening a whatever, a flower shop, or something like this, that might be something new that she’s discovered, then does that mean that now she doesn’t want to be with you? No, she’s just adding new parts to herself, but if you don’t do the same thing, then she’s never gonna feel like well, you’ve also changed.
She wants to see that you can move forward without her, otherwise, she wouldn’t have any confidence in you. She wants to be with a confident man. This is why she probably chose you. Women always choose a man of confidence, especially when they make the choice, and yes, you’ve been a couple in the past, but now she has to make a new choice. So if you’re not the right choice for her, she’s not gonna choose you. So you gotta stop worrying. It’s very important to just keep on doing no contact and not think so much about her.
When You Break The No Contact Rule: You Reached Out To Her Because You Are Not In Control
I have to admit that I am very awful at all of this. I think about her so many times throughout the day and it’s even become a distraction at work. I’m trying so hard not to message her but I did it twice already during moments of weakness.
Yeah and when you do that, when you message her during those moments of weakness, it’s really like you’re projecting that out onto her. She can see your weakness. If you don’t message her, so even if you feel weak, that’s fine! But you don’t have to show it to her. Why would you show a woman that you’re weak? Why would you show it to her when you feel insecure and message her and show her “I can’t go on without you. I can’t go without messaging you“…
So look, if you wouldn’t message her, even though you feel really weak and like shit, she has no idea what’s going on. She might think that you’re doing great and because of that, then she starts missing you, and maybe she’s re-assessing and thinking “he’s doing great so maybe this was the wrong choice, so maybe I shouldn’t have left because what about me? Can I actually find someone better than him? I don’t know. He was pretty great except for a few problems here and there and he’s not showing me any weakness, so he seems like he’s a strong guy. Even in the breakup, he can figure this out. He can figure out how to move forward.” That’s attractive! So don’t show weakness.
It happened when I wasn’t feeling good about everything going on in my life in general and so because of it, I’ve broken no contact twice now, with roughly three weeks and two months in between. Our breakup happened four months ago, so now I am doing no contact again for the third time but I still feel as if we just broke up yesterday. I know I messed up with no contact but I want to commit to sticking to it this time.
So I think this is a very fair point that you’re making that really well explains the problem of breaking no contact. To you, it feels like you just broke up yesterday, and that’s because you’re not processing anything. You’re still just hoping okay… Is she’s gonna come back? Is she’s gonna come back? I’m gonna message her, let’s see what she reacts. And you’re not focusing on yourself, basically. If I compare the two of you, you’re both standing here, this is you down here, this is her up here, she has been moving a little bit forward… Changing herself, creating a new identity, and you’re still stuck here. You’re still the same guy that she broke up with and so if she comes back because she wants to know what’s up with you, she’s gonna see he hasn’t changed, he’s still the same guy, and he’s still insecure, and he’s still weak, and he’s still showing me the same things that I didn’t like back then.
Whatever it was. Maybe jealousy, insecurity, codependence, perhaps you were not very confident, maybe you didn’t know how to talk to people, you were too introverted for her, or something like that. Too socially awkward. I don’t know what it was, but the bottom line is you’ve got to realize that everything that you’ve been doing by breaking no contact is like you’re resetting everything for yourself. Well, also for her, but it’s more about you, because you’re not making any progress. So when you message her, yes, you reset the attraction down to zero. She’s not attracted to you because you just messaged her, but for her, life keeps going forward, for you, whenever you message her, you’re just going back to the same place that you were. So you’re holding yourself back from moving forward. If you wouldn’t message her, you could actually move forward, and just figure out what do you want to do with your life.
There’s no guarantee that she’s ever gonna come back. So if you just keep on chasing, and chasing, and chasing, and never changing anything in your life, you’re not gonna be attractive to anyone. You’re not gonna be attractive to yourself because subconsciously you know that is kind of a SIMP-ey behavior. It’s not worthy of respect. She’s not going to respect it, and other women are not going to respect it, so you’re not going to move forward in life. You’re not going to make progress. So you’re never going to get the things that you want in life. You just keep on chasing. So if you want to stick to no contact, remind yourself that if you just basically break it again, you’re not moving anywhere. You’re stuck in place. Do you want to be stuck in place for the rest of your life? No, of course not.
There’s nothing wrong with getting an ex back, but the way that you have to get an ex back is by moving forward. You keep moving forward. Time keeps spinning. And maybe it’s another woman that comes along. Maybe it’s her, but you live your life. You discover who you want to be as a man. You find your strength again you turn yourself into a king, or you become a king again. The king that you used to be in the past. Even a greater king than before. And then if she comes back, fuck yes! And then you have dates, you bang her like crazy, she’s gonna go crazy for you, and she’s gonna be happy. That’s great! If it doesn’t happen, you’re gonna find another woman or maybe you just wanna be single for a while. Whatever, but it’s about you being confident with yourself again and it’s about taking baby steps to improve yourself and feel more content with what you have in life. So yes, you lost your ex, but there are still many things in your life that are great. Your ex doesn’t define everything about you. So that’s important to remember.
Why No Contact Works To Get Her Back: The Power Of Walking Away From A Woman To Create Leverage
I hope you can tell me if there’s actually still a chance to make this work, since I already chased her twice. I’m afraid that she has no more respect for me and that she doesn’t care about me at all anymore. I’m afraid because I understand that breaking no contact was a big mistake and so I wonder that now the damage is already done and trying to stay away from her will just make things worse. I currently have no influence over the entire situation, so it’s like all the power lies in her hands.
So let’s take a pause and talk about two things. First of all, it’s never, never, never too late to show a woman that you can go on without her. Not to show her that you don’t care about her. That’s obviously like, well if you don’t care about her, then why should she care about you, right? But just to show that you’re happy without her. You can live your life without her. You can go out on weekend trips, and go hiking, or whatever you enjoy on the weekends, and your life is moving forward. You don’t care. I mean you care about her, of course, but look, your friends, you can meet other women, you can discover new exciting stuff, you can show her that you are ready to move forward. And it doesn’t matter when you do that. The worst thing that you can do is never doing it. At least if you do it, you’ve done it.
Look, and sometimes it might be too late but most of the time, exes can come back after years. So they will think about you in the least unexpected moments when you really just didn’t think that they thought about you at all and guess what? When are they gonna message you? Probably when they feel weak. That’s when they miss what they had with you. When you provided strength for them. And most likely she’s gonna remember just that time when you were strong, after she forgets all the weakness that you’ve shown her. But for that you gotta not break no contact, keep up no contact. The second thing that I want to mention is I think you’re bullshitting yourself and you’re looking for an excuse to message her again. And you said it very well that she has all the power in the situation.
And one of the things that no contact really does is it gives you back your power because she has all the power. She can say I want to get back or not. She can say I want to reply or not. She can say I want to reach out or not. Everything is in her hands and you’re giving her all of that power. So you’re essentially not recognizing that you have a lot of power at the tip of your fingertips. You think that she has all that power but is that really true? Just because she has some power what she can choose right now with you doesn’t mean that you don’t have power as well. That power that you have is separate from her. That is about your life. The problem is that you’re making your entire life about her and this is why she has all the power. So no conflict is really about realizing that you don’t have to make your life about her. Because yes, she has some power over you, but that’s just a little bit. All of that main power is your life. What you do with your life for yourself with other friends, with other women, with your career goals, with your passion, and your purpose. So don’t give her all of that power. This is your power.
Her power is a tiny little bit and you can live without that power, and at some point, you don’t even care anymore that she has that power, and most likely, over time, actually what happens is she has a little bit of power but it keeps on shrinking, and shrinking, and shrinking, and eventually, she realizes “Oh shit I have no more power. I should do something or I’m gonna lose this power forever if I don’t do something.” Everything that’s left in here is gonna be gone very soon. It’s gonna evaporate. So I better message him. That’s how you get her back. Bringing the power back to you. You don’t have to change anything with her. Change yourself. So you then continue saying: “She has shown me that me reaching out to her wasn’t really what she wanted. At least that’s what I could tell from her fairly cold demeanor. I have to find a way to get her to stop being so cold towards me.”
You don’t have to make her stop doing anything. Let her do her thing. She wants to be cold towards you or not, message you, whatever! You can’t change that! You can never change that. The only thing you can do is focus on yourself and no contact has some effects on her, yes, that technically stops her from being cold towards you when she reaches out because that obviously makes her being warm. She wants to know what’s going on with you, but you can’t just flip a switch or say something very specific, or manipulate her in a way like make her see one of your Instagram stories and now she’s all of a sudden going to stop being cold to you. It’s not how it works. It’s time. It’s time you spend on yourself. Focus on yourself just like she’s focusing on herself.
Why No Contact Is Important: Don’t Chase Her After The Breakup To Make Her Miss The Good Parts
I watched a lot of the videos on your channel and frankly, I don’t even think that our breakup was as bad as many others in your videos. I just think that I became too needy during the end of the relationship and didn’t give her enough space to pursue her hobbies. So the issue was more my breakup behavior than during the relationship. We didn’t really fight that much. So I hope we can solve this somehow and I hope you can give me advice on what you think I should be doing.
Yeah, you should be doing absolutely nothing. If you say that you didn’t have that many fights in the relationship, was it needy behavior, right? So then there’s not really that much that you need to change. You need to be less needy and right now you are needy because if you would be back together and you didn’t have that many fights, then what do you really have to change? Yes, you broke up, so obviously, there were some problems but it seems like it wasn’t defensiveness. It wasn’t blaming behavior. It wasn’t something like this where you couldn’t see eye to eye and just fight so much.
So that means your relationship overall was healthy. At least the dynamic between the two of you was fairly healthy. I think what was not so healthy was your insecurity. So if you want to have another shot at this, you gotta fix your insecurities, and clearly, I can tell right now you have insecurities and look, I suggest to you never break no contact ever again. And you need to stop worrying about what she’s thinking, or what she’s up to, or what’s going to happen in the future. You’re thinking so much about her. Again, you’re giving her all the power. Think about yourself. So for example, take a pen and paper and spend the weekend to write down what is it… What are your biggest ambitions in life? Your biggest dreams. What are the things that you want to achieve for yourself. You can typically fill like at least one blank page of lots of things that you want to get done for your own life. And so then look at one of these things, or pick two of them, and start working on them.
So for example, maybe it’s your business. Maybe it’s your career. Maybe you want to get a promotion. Work on that. Find some steps on how you can move forward with your life without her, so that you bring the power balance all the way back over to you. And then either she comes back because she can see that, or guess what, other women can see that you are a ball of power. You’re strong. You’re a king. And they will want you and then when that happens… You don’t even care about your ex anymore because you have a great woman. So that is my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
