Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about breakups and being real with yourself. Sometimes the breakup actually was for a reason, right? So not every ex is right for you. Some exes of yours have flaws. There’s something that you didn’t like or something that didn’t work between the two of you. And maybe it was a good thing to actually break up. So it’s all about being real with yourself. Of course, I cannot tell you what to think. It’s okay to get back with an ex, but you got to be real with yourself and make sure that it’s the right decision to get back with her.
And yeah, I can’t make you. I can’t tell you what to think, but I can make you think. It’s really important to question this after you had a breakup. Should you get back together or not? And maybe you’re giving your ex too much credit. Maybe you’re idealizing her and you’re looking at her with rose-tinted glasses, basically. And you think that everything about her was perfect, but it probably wasn’t. So I have a situation from a guy with a situation like this. And yeah, let’s see. I think he probably shouldn’t get back with her or should at least move forward with his life. So let’s see what I have to say.
I Regret Breaking Up With Her: Idealizing An Ex After A Breakup Never Helps With Re-Attracting Her
Hey, coach, hopefully you can give me advice on my breakup story. I have made the biggest mistake of my life by breaking up with my ex-girlfriend because of some ongoing fight about her working too much. My ex, Alina, is super smart. She’s an associate investor at a VC firm, which is a very demanding job. And this has caused many problems in the relationship. You may think otherwise, but working at a VC firm isn’t just about popping champagne and raking in tons of money. VC firms make their employees work really hard, at least if you’re an associate, I guess. This has been the biggest and probably only reason why we broke up.
Yeah, I think the only people who apparently don’t have to work are the people at Twitter who can work four hours a week and everything is fine. Yeah, for sure. If she’s an associate, if she works at a VC firm, she’s got to work hard. So yeah, that’s expected, then you gotta expect that as well.
It was actually me who wanted to break up because I got tired of her busy work schedule. I just wanted us to spend more time together. At first, this was okay for me, but over time it became very frustrating to me. So I broke up, but almost right after the breakup, I began regretting it.
Why though? I mean, why do you think that it was such a huge mistake? You actually said that it was the biggest mistake of your life. That sounds like it’s a pretty huge over-exaggeration. Yeah, okay, maybe. Sometimes you can have really bad decisions with women and you can really regret it. And you will remember this for many years. But look, she made a choice. Her choice is her career, okay? And either you’re okay with that or you’re not. If you’re not okay with it, why would you date her? Why would you keep up with it? Now look, if you can make it work, fine. But if not, and you can find a compromise, then why do you want to be with a woman like this? The thing is, I actually write about this in my book, about compromises with a woman. And what I say in the book is that, yeah, I mean, you gotta make the small compromises work, but the big ones, if you can’t agree on the big compromises, then you gotta question if the relationship is the right thing for you.
And this is a pretty big compromise. Work is an important part of her life. And if she works at a VC firm as well, she is a really hard worker. I assume that she must be very ambitious, a high achiever. Not many people work at VC firms. That’s not easy. She’s not just someone who works at the local bank, basically, right? So she has a really tight schedule, most likely, with her work. So are you willing to keep up with this compromise? This basically makes up, I don’t know, 50% of her life. Basically eight hours a day, maybe more. You don’t even see her. And she’s busy all the time. And I know this, I can exactly tell when a girl is too busy with work, for example. So, for example, if I chat with a girl on Bumble, I can relatively quickly tell if she always only replies at the end of the day, really late or in the morning. And there’s nothing wrong with that, per se, because, you know, we’re not exclusively dating or anything like that. But I can tell if she’s unable to EVER reply.
Now, I am an advocate of being focused on your purpose, focusing on your shit. And sometimes you’re busy, that’s fine. You know, I can’t reply all the time as well. Sometimes I can reply during the day and I want to reply during the day. Sometimes I don’t want to or I can’t. And that’s fine. But if I can tell that a chick never has time to reply, you know, I can already tell, okay, she’s probably very busy and she probably doesn’t have a good life. So that’s probably not for me. I have a feeling that this will be very stressful dating her. So that’s something to consider. Does the situation actually make you happy or did it make you happy? So question this, I know you want her back, but does it make sense? Because while you do want her back right now, you say that it was very frustrating for you. And at first you were okay with it. Yeah, let’s make it work. But then over time, this gets more and more and more stressful.
I had this video maybe a week ago, two days ago, my second last video or so about a guy in a marriage and he’s in a work situation that doesn’t make his wife happy. He is working remotely and he is, I think it was like he’s like a truck driver or something like that. And he has to work out of town and it doesn’t work for her. They’ve been together for 18 years and she’s just done with this. And he’s actually taking real steps to get his special driver’s license and work in town for work nearby to make sure that the relationship is happier again because she’s not happy. And so that wife of his, she didn’t want to compromise clearly. And you know, he’s taking action steps for it. So you should ask yourself, is this the right thing for you? Because if the roles would be reversed, she would probably want you to make a compromise. So think about that.
Non Negotiables In A Relationship: Your Girlfriend Is Too Masculine — Is Your Ex Good For You?
I think it was a big mistake. I kind of had tunnel vision and only looked at the one flaw she had, but neglected all the many great things about her. It’s not even a flaw of hers. It’s not like it’s her fault that her work is so demanding.
Well, yes, but that’s also bullshit because she chose that work. I mean, what do you expect if you work at the VC firm? I guess people at VC firms earn a lot of money. That’s just my assumption. And so, yeah, if you earn a lot of money, guess what? You’re expected to work hard. So she knew what she signed up for. And it is a flaw. Well, it’s not a flaw if she would be with the right guy. But if that doesn’t work for you, then it technically is a flaw from your perspective. So that should tell you that you’re most likely not right for each other or you’re just not at the right timing.
So for example, maybe she wants to have kids, but maybe she wants to have kids in 10 years. from now or 15 years from now. Maybe she wants to tune it down a little bit. Maybe she wants to live a simple life at some point. But what if that is in 20 years from now? Are you going to wait 20 years? No, of course not. Or what if it’s never? What if she’s never going to give up that VC life? I know VCs. I’ve met many VCs in Manila and Metro Manila in the Philippines. And they’re like all in their 50s, 60s. Yeah, 40s, maybe most of them like 50 or 60s, something in that range. So I don’t think that she’s going to stop working for these guys. And she’s going to have a busy work schedule for a long time. So that’s something important to recognize and reconcile with. Does it really make sense? I think it is kind of a flaw of hers that you’re not okay with. So be real with yourself.
She actually has a lot of great things going for her. She likes cats and dogs just like me. We actually had a cat together, which I let her keep after the breakup. She likes to go hiking and we often went on hiking trips together and she’s really intelligent, obviously. She’s just a very diligent person, very ambitious. She’s the kind of woman to grow old with. But now I screwed it up.
It’s again, like I said, you’re bullshitting yourself a little bit there. She’s a woman to grow old with? Well, there was a huge problem there. And like I said, maybe she makes more time. Yes Right. So you had good compatibility. You like hiking. You seem to have the same interests. Cats and dogs. You had pets together. So overall it was good, right? And you went on some trips every now and then. So I guess there were some good parts there for sure. But ultimately the bad parts overweighed the good parts. So if you can change that, sure, then you can get back with her and it might work out. So I’m not telling you not to get back with your ex, but it’s just important to recognize, okay, if you get back, then what about this work schedule? How can you actually arrange that to make you happy? Because if you’re not happy, then you’re going to get back into this relationship. And after maybe a year from now, maybe two years from now, maximum, you’re going to be annoyed again and it’s going to frustrate you again. And then the same cycle repeats or you just wasted two years of your life because you broke your work up, you recognize, okay, this is irreconcilable.
So be sure that if you get back with her, that you have a plan how you can actually solve this. You have to talk with her about this and see if she can do something about her schedule because I don’t know, maybe she is a workaholic. I used to be a workaholic because I used to be kind of codependent and I used to be working too hard and I didn’t respect myself and my time enough. And that’s why I was working too much. So, you know, maybe she’s like that. Perhaps there are many reasons why someone works too much. And so you got to figure out, can she actually change that behavior of hers? And if she can’t, then I honestly don’t think that you screwed it up. You just made a difficult decision, but probably the right one. So it’s not always a screwup to break up with a woman. It’s sometimes really a strong, good conscious decision that shows that you are a conscious dater, that you are a good man.
You know what you want. And instead of staying in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy, you clearly define what you accept in a relationship. And if you don’t get it, you walk away. That’s pretty good stuff, man. That’s a pretty good quality for a relationship actually, because if you know what you don’t want, you can express it to your woman and then you can maybe possibly fix it. You have healthy communication and that makes a good relationship. And who knows, maybe you didn’t tell her that properly and you just exploded. Maybe she didn’t really know how much it bothered you. So maybe it was also on your side that you made some mistakes. That’s up for you to know, you didn’t mention that here.
Your Ex Is Not Special: Stop Idealizing Your Ex Girlfriend If She Messed Up — Your Ex Is Not Worth It
I hurt her feelings and trying to get back with her hasn’t worked out at all. I have been trying to talk to her multiple times. I know I probably should do no contact, but so far, I thought that I should show her that I made a mistake. I was stupid to break up just because she would sometimes have to work overtime. Now I miss her every single minute and I don’t think I could ever find a woman like her ever again. There just aren’t that many women who are as intelligent as she is. She’s truly unique. I don’t know what I should do. After all, I made it seem like I wanted her to choose me or work. So I don’t think she realizes how much I actually love her and that I know I I made a mistake made a mistake.
Well, I guess she does know because you said that you thought it was a big mistake. So I don’t think you mentioned this. If you begged or not, but I’m assuming you showed her that you made a mistake. Otherwise, that would be weird, right? So she must know how you feel about this whole situation in retrospect, but she must be hurt. She doesn’t want to hear anything from you right now. But the one thing that I picked up here in your message is that you say that you don’t think you could ever find a woman like her ever again. I think that’s the Oneitis in you speaking. Is that correct? Are you going to have a trouble finding a woman like this? Okay, she works in a VC firm. She’s very intelligent, but there are a lot of intelligent women and maybe she’s not as intelligent as you think because…
Not many people want to work so hard and have to do overtime work and all of this stuff all the time. Sure, compromises and sacrifices have to be made sometimes to climb the ladder, but typically the happiest people that I’ve met, they don’t work that hard. They don’t work that long. They don’t work that often and they just have better gigs. They have better jobs. They work for themselves. They’re their own bosses. So maybe you can actually find a better woman. Just recognize that she’s not the best woman on the planet. There is no best woman on the planet. There are just a lot of great women that are right for you and she’s one of them out of a thousand women. Thousands of women that you could meet. Tens of thousands of women. You just gotta be open to the opportunity. So that’s important to recognize.
Things Not To Do After A Breakup: Don’t Stay Obsessed With Your Ex Girlfriend — Live Your Life
I know I should go no contact, but what do I do if I actually go no contact? After all, I broke up with her, not the other way around. I feel like there is no good solution for the way I ended things. The way I see it, a woman like her has options. She wants to find another guy, she can easily find another man. She’s attractive and has a great career. So it’s a no brainer for any guy to date her and who knows, maybe she’s even dating someone already. I’m not sure about that actually. I hope you can give me advice. Thank you so much.
Sure, maybe she can find someone. Most likely she can, but she’s very busy as well. And what if the next guy that she dates also doesn’t want to deal with that? What if he’s annoyed with her working overtime? What if he’s annoyed that he can’t hang out with her? What if you were a little bit too forgiving for these flaws, I guess you could say. What if the next guy isn’t that forgiving? So that’s one thing. The second thing is, if you do no contact, she’s probably going to forgive you over time. And maybe she’s also going to realize that yes, I mean, she kind of made a mistake with working so hard. That’s a choice that a lot of us have to reconcile when we’re younger, to work too hard too much and to neglect our family, our friends, the people who are most important to us. She sounds like the person who probably has done that.
she will have a change of heart eventually and realize that her life choices were not the best ones. Then you do no contact. She forgives you over time. That’s going to happen anyways. And then she will reach out to you. I think you’ve already shown her most likely that you made a mistake and you want her back. You can’t do anything right now. So just give it time. But I would suggest you also just date other women as well, because I think you can also find another great woman. Look, she’s smart. She’s funny. She’s witty. But there are a lot of great smart and witty women and a lot of them can make you happy. Now, I’m not telling you to move on right away, but just keep your options open. Keep the door open for her. If she comes back, that’s perfect.
But it’s just the reality that there was something pretty big here that didn’t work out. And you can, you know, healthy people can make this work for sure. But you don’t know if you can make it work. You don’t know if she’s willing to make it work. You don’t know if she’s willing to work less or say no to overtime. Healthy boundaries with her boss, these kinds of things. Who knows? Maybe she will. Maybe she won’t. So you got to be realistic with her. Do you want her back? I mean, why do you want her back? Don’t treat her like she’s this queen, like this ideal kind of woman. She is a great woman, but there are many other great women out there. Never idealize any woman because that’s just a recipe for disaster. So that’s my advice for you. Just give it some time. Do not chase. I think you apologize enough. Question if she’s the right woman for you and then if she comes back, you can hopefully make it work out and you can talk about these things as well and have a better arrangement on how to make this work. That’s my advice for you. Alright, so let me know what you think in the comments below. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel and never forget to unleash the king within.
