Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about no contact and the fact that you gotta work on yourself. So I got a situation from a guy who has been broken up with his girlfriend. He has been kind of insecure. He had some problems in college, basically, I guess he’s a US student and in the US, student debt is a big problem. People being unable to pay their bills, and so basically he had a lot of problems, and he became very insecure and it caused a lot of problems in the relationship, and they eventually broke up.
Best Way To Do No Contact: Always Make Yourself A Priority Before Trying To Get Your Ex Back
And ultimately, if you have a breakup, typically the breakup happened because of insecurities. You didn’t have your shit together and you just gotta fix what wasn’t working. Or if you want to get back with your ex and she comes back and you haven’t fixed your shit, then she will never come back. So ultimately, no contact should be a time where you work on yourself effectively.
And I believe there is no better time than no contact to really fix yourself, to get your shit together, to reimagine yourself, and to start from scratch better than before. And then when your ex can see that you are a changed man she will be like “Whoa what the hell is going on?” because ultimately, you probably dated a woman who was in your league. Most guys or most people in general, they date within their league. So they date what they think they can have, when you could probably have more, but the bottom line is most people they date exactly the woman that they think is in their league. And so if you now basically level up your game, you’re essentially no longer within her league, or rather you’re out of her league. So basically, she can tell that “Wow this guy has leveled up his game. He can now date probably much more attractive women.” So guess what’s going to happen? She’s probably going to be a little bit jealous. She’s going to miss you. She’s going to wonder. And that’s going to make her attracted to you. Now, let’s get into the situation. It’s quite a short one, but hey, sometimes the short ones are the good ones…. And that’s what she said! Nah, I’m just kidding. That’s probably not what she said!
I Didn’t Make Time For Her: When You Neglected Your Ex Because Of Plan Continuation Bias
Hello coach, I would like to ask you something about no contact and the need to change. I had a breakup with my ex 47 days ago and I’ve gone no contact for exactly 10 days so far. I did not handle our breakup very well at all. I became desperate after our breakup and couldn’t deal being without her, especially because she was extremely inaffectionate, cold and distant when we broke up. And also, after the breakup she basically ignored all my attempts to get back with her.
There were many reasons for the breakup but the main issue was my insecurities. I’m a student in my last year of finishing my bachelor’s degree and money had been tight for me due to some scholarships that I didn’t receive. I essentially made close to no time for her anymore because I was juggling too many things and I could tell that I was falling short with her, but also in general, with my debts, and I turned into an emotional wreck around this time.
Okay, let’s stop here for a moment. I know that student debt in the US is really awful. I am European. I’m German so my opinion about student debt in the US is pretty much what the fuck guys? What the fuck are you guys doing? This is ridiculous! We get school for free in Europe. So what the hell? But in the US, it’s pretty crazy, right, so if you’re struggling so much with your student debts and you cannot pay off your student debts, or you are struggling with paying the rent or something like that, then you gotta be real with yourself and re-evaluate what you’re currently doing. Now you didn’t get your scholarship, right? So that didn’t work, so you gotta figure something else out that works for you.
Now, I know that sounds really simplified and like yeah duh! But this is actually a very prominent bias that we also apply in relationships, actually, or in breakups. It’s called the plan continuation bias. We have a plan & we try to follow the plan. So for example, you’re gonna get the scholarship, that’s your plan, or you’re gonna keep on doing no contact, or your plan might be I’m gonna keep begging. I’m gonna keep begging my ex to get her back. And that is your plan and you stick to that plan because you invested so much into that plan. So you don’t change your approach. Whenever you invested in a plan, especially if it’s a financial plan and that impacts your relationship, that’s when you know you should probably change your plan. If you’re having financial troubles that’s always going to affect your relationship. And if you can tell “I’ve been continuing down this path for too long and it’s not working,” then I gotta change something.
Applying No Contact Rule Like A Boss: Become Attractive To Your Ex — And To Yourself
Now, I don’t know your entire story and what you’ve tried to do so far, for example, getting another student job, something like that. Or maybe getting another scholarship. But ultimately, what you’ve been doing so far hasn’t been working, just like initially the way that you have the breakup hasn’t been working. So you gotta change something because if you don’t change, if your ex comes back after two months, and you’re still in the same debt issue and you haven’t figured out a solution, or at least a path out of there… I’m not telling you that you need to have a solution right away, obviously, you can’t fix your student debt issue after two months, right, but you gotta figure out how do you actually approach it. What is your way out of this situation? And if you don’t have at least a little bit of peace of mind because you know, “Okay, now I figured out which way to go,” then you’re never gonna find a solution and your ex will never want to get back with you. You will probably just continue being insecure and then, of course, when she comes back and you’re still insecure, she’s gonna see some other guy who is not insecure, who for example doesn’t have the issues with the student debt, and who doesn’t cause her these troublesome moments, and you became very insecure.
So the guy who doesn’t have student debt issues probably won’t be insecure because he has no reason to. He could be insecure with dating in general. Maybe he has other issues, but at least that one particular is not one of his issues. So typically, when you break up, when you have a breakup with a woman, it is because you have issues. The reality is that people who don’t have issues, they don’t break up. If you would know how to have a healthy relationship including some of these troubles with your student debt, then you would not be broken up, and yes, sometimes you can also go through these tough times and not break up. The problem is that you basically became insecure. It’s not necessarily about the student debt, but it’s about not being insecure. Now, obviously, I would want you to fix your student debt issue and figure out how can you change your approach. So for example, maybe there are certain scholarships that you haven’t tried to apply for, yet. Maybe you think you can’t apply for them. I don’t know.
For example, maybe you can still change something about this, but it’s also a really important life skill to learn that when you have really tough times in life that you can’t just become insecure with your woman. Because guess what? You’re going to be in a relationship… You’re a student right now, so you’re probably 22, 21, something like that, right? And basically, you’re gonna have many, many, many years of hardship. If you think what you’re going through right now is hard, wait until you turn 27, 30, 35, 40. You’re gonna go through a lot of rough patches in your life. And you can’t just let it out on your woman whenever you have a rough patch in your life. If you do that, I guarantee you you’re going to have a breakup at every rough patch of your life. And the reality is if you have a rough patch in your life and then you also have a breakup, that just makes it worse, to be frank. So yes, you probably also learn a lot from that experience, of course, but if you can avoid the problem, obviously, you can also do prevention, right? So try to figure out how can you become more secure while you’re trying to fix the problem. And of course, try to fix the problem.
Dumped After Being Too Jealous: What To Do In No Contact — Regaining Your Dignity In Front Of Your Ex
I became very irrational and turned her off with my paranoia / jealousy of guys at our college campus. Basically, the rough summary is that I pushed her away with my insecure behavior and at some point, she broke up and when she broke up, I chased her too much and made a fool out of myself.
And yes, you probably did that because you probably thought that she is the only thing that’s holding you together. If you’re already failing with your student debt, then you’re probably clinging too much on her. You should never be too dependent on your partner. And this is why it should always be your goal to first fix yourself before you try to go into a relationship, or try to fix a relationship. And so a lot of guys make this mistake when they are in a relationship, actually what they do is, they have a lot of problems instead of fixing the problems, and actually talking with their girlfriend about “Hey, I have these problems. How do we solve them? Help me out.” Well, not helping out, but be there for me. Listen to me. And maybe you have some thoughts that is going to help me a lot. And that’s what you should be doing. You should be focused on solving that problem so you can go back to your girlfriend and reconnect with her afterward. But what a lot of guys do is they have this problem in their relationship, they ignore the problem, and instead, they try to go to their girlfriend for stability.
And then the problem is that your girl has no idea what’s going on because she can’t read your mind. She doesn’t know how insecure you feel. And so probably you’re just going to become very clingy, very needy, and she doesn’t know what’s going on. She doesn’t know why you’ve changed so much. If you would instead tell her how you feel, and the problem that you’re having, and then you work with her together to fix the problem, then she wouldn’t be so turned off, because she actually feels like you’re involving her in some of the most important life decisions that you’re making. So that’s actually a sign of trust. That’s actually a sign that you love her. And that you want her to trust you. And that you trust her. But instead, she probably has kind of a subliminal feeling and understanding that there is something wrong with you. She knows something inside you is currently brewing. Something is not okay with you. But you’re not telling her.
And then you only become more insecure and that’s not solving the problem. Then, of course, because of that she loses confidence in you. So never shrug the things under the rug. Talk with your woman about the problems that you have. Anyway, you chased too much. So you made a fool out of yourself. It can’t be helped. Sometimes you just fuck it up. You just gotta stay no contact. Now, you didn’t do it for too long, because your total time since the breakup was 47 days, right? So you’ve been doing no contact for 10 days. So I guess you’ve been a fool for maybe a month, tops. Something like that. So whatever, man. It happens. Shit happens. You can’t do anything about it. Now you’re in no contact. So a fresh start. So let’s see what you say.
how to do no contact the right way: Learn To Overcome Your Shortcomings While She’s Gone
So now I’m in no contact and I recognize that I need to get my act together but I really don’t know how I can’t stop thinking about wanting her back. I can’t work on myself because I am so distracted by the thought of never getting back together. I don’t think she’s a disloyal girl but I’m still afraid that she starts dating someone else after all, we are at college. Also, she’s two years younger than me. So maybe she’d be attracted to someone older than her. For sure, there are lots of guys who’d want to date her now that she is single, and the thought of it really disgusts me. I don’t know how to move forward. I actually find it really hard to stay focused and get anything done because I miss her so much and I hope you have some advice how I can get over this heartbreak and inability to get anything done. Thanks so much. Your channel is so helpful.
Well, I think it’s so important to recognize that no contact is your biggest weapon to get her back. If you don’t use the time that you have right now, it will probably never work out ever again because right now, you’re basically all by yourself and honestly, it’s important to learn that being by yourself is actually something really good sometimes. Because right now you’re basically without distractions. Let’s be real: The problem is that you didn’t know how to handle your insecurities. You didn’t know how to handle the college student debt, scholarships, plus your girlfriend at the same time. So I know this sounds kind of weird, but the fact that your girlfriend is gone right now is probably a good thing, because right now you only have to focus on the student debt and the college. So in a way, this is actually a blessing in disguise, and you should ask yourself what happens if you don’t get your shit together? Well, you’re never gonna get her back. And so the thing is… You’re feeling paralyzed right now. You’re feeling like you probably can’t get this done. I bet you’re feeling a little bit defeated. I bet you feel like you can’t… I mean you already couldn’t fix the student debt issue back then. So you’re probably telling yourself “How can I ever fix this problem right now?” but you really gotta put some perspective on this. If you don’t fix that issue right now, then you’re never gonna solve the underlying problem. And worse, you’re probably gonna be miserable for at least a year longer. Maybe two. Because you’re gonna be broken up, plus you have the issue of the student debt.
But put this into perspective. If you now change this negative thinking and turn it into something positive instead of saying “I can’t do anything. I have too much heartbreak. I can’t get anything done. I don’t really know how to move forward.” If you change this into something positive and fix your student debt issue, then you basically solve all your problems. I can guarantee you this: You’re gonna solve your college problem, your student debt problem, your stress problem, and on top of that, she is going to come back. So it’s really important to remind yourself of the positive outcomes once you focus on yourself and basically don’t make the mistake that I just mentioned earlier that a lot of guys try to focus too much on the stability that they get from their girlfriend. You should be the one who’s who provides stability for her. So you should be able to rely on yourself. Right now is the perfect time to learn that you can rely on yourself. It’s about growing up. You’re basically a student right now. You still have to learn that sometimes life is really tough. And when it gets really, really tough, you gotta find solutions.
How To Implement No Contact Rule Effectively: Set Goals During No Contact And Believe In Your Vision
Actually, I had something really tough happening to me… maybe it was five months ago… I was stuck in Germany during COVID and it’s very complicated, but the too long, didn’t read of the story is that I lost like 60.000 USD of cryptocurrencies because there was a cryptocurrency ban in Germany. And my trading account was set up in the Philippines because I used to live in the Philippines. So there was a lot of complicated issues, where I lost a lot of money. This was a huge trading loss, basically, and I wasn’t happy about this. But I learned that I can always get out of this. So right now, I’m actually happy because there was a crypto crash recently and I’m gonna probably make most of the money back that I lost in the crypto ban in Germany and you know… Fuck you, Germany, by the way. And you just gotta learn sometimes that sometimes life is just really like bad stuff happens to you that you just can’t expect. You can’t ever predict that this would happen. Black swan-ish, basically. You probably didn’t expect that you’re gonna have to… You didn’t expect that you can’t get your scholarship, right?
You probably thought I got these scholarships. I will get it done and sometimes life just doesn’t go the way that you had it planned. And you gotta learn that life sucks, but I can fix this. I can find a solution for my problems. And once you learn that and once you also learn to rely on yourself and just learn to be by yourself, you’re gonna become much more happier as a person, as a man. And that will attract your ex back to you. So my advice for you is to actually embrace that feeling of inability because that feeling of inability to get something done, that feeling of “I suck,” that’s a wake-up call. That tells you that you need to change something and when you feel that way and you actually change it, you feel so empowered. Once you make that change, you feel so strong! I still remember, I used to suck at crypto trading and I used to lose so much money when I started out in crypto. And then I got basically really good and so no more losses for almost two years. No losses. So I was like yeah! This is fucking awesome. Now I lost a lot of money with crypto, right? So I lost like 60000, maybe it was more like 55000 dollars, and in the past I would be basically devastated. I’d feel like my life is over. I did actually feel like that for a short while like what the fuck! This was basically my money for buying a villa here in Bali.
But I know because I’ve learned to trade crypto painfully a long time ago when I was bad at it, so I know now, okay this really sucked, but how many times am I gonna have a crypto ban like this happening and like this black swanish thing with COVID, where everything just completely went wrong? This is never going to happen again. So you lick your wounds, and if you know that you can fix your problems, then you won’t worry so much. I’m like okay, I lost 60000 dollars, but yeah, like three swing trades three, or two swing trades, probably, and I have the money back. So I’m like yeah, okay, life sucks, but I know how to fix it. So you gotta learn how to fix your problems. You gotta learn to fix them by yourself. Then your woman wants to reconnect with you. So right now don’t focus on her at all. You just gotta focus on learning that you can fix your problems, and you know if you’re single right now and you don’t get her back right now, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. She probably won’t be back anytime soon anyways. It’s probably gonna take at least a few more months for her to come back.
So you should use that time to really learn something about yourself and learn to break through some of your barriers. How can you push through those barriers of not understanding how to fix your student debt issue? How can you fix & how can you break through those barriers of not knowing how to make more money? Maybe you’re taking on the wrong jobs. Maybe you’re working for a shitty company, for a shitty boss, who doesn’t want to pay you much. So you got to find a better solution to this. Obviously, I don’t have all the answers for you because I don’t know exactly your situation. If you would have a coaching session with me, then I could talk with you about what are your options, and we could find the right ones for you, but you gotta find them for yourself. So that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
