Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about when you’ve been dating an ex, or you’ve been dating a girl, and maybe you haven’t been together that long yet. It doesn’t really matter but you’ve turned her off. And then eventually, she comes back, but then you say something. You said something and maybe it was a bit insecure, and then what do you do? So I have a situation from a guy who has basically been in this situation. He dated a girl for a relatively short time. I think it was four months, if I remember it correctly, and then they broke up, it didn’t work out, she came back, and then he said something that was actually quite confident but anyways, she pulled back and because of that, he then overthought. He thought that he said something insecure. Then, of course, what happens when you become insecure and you overthink? You just make it worse. You basically create the reality of what you fear. So sometimes you think that things are pretty bad, but actually, they’re not really that bad. And so of course, that’s why it’s always important to get a second opinion. So here’s my second opinion. Let’s see what I have to say about the situation.
She Lost Attraction: When She Isn’t Interested Anymore After Short Term Dating
Hey coach, I have a problem with an ex of mine who has become distant with me and I think she’s maybe ghosting. I’m not sure to be honest. Perhaps she’s only turned off and will message me again. Maybe you can tell me how I can reverse the situation. I dated her for about four months. So I guess we were not very serious.
Well, so first, let me quickly go into the question of is this ghosting, or not? So typically, if you’ve done some things that obviously turned her off, and she doesn’t reply… Is it ghosting? Technically, yes, but she’s really just not into you. And if you turn a woman off, if you say the wrong things, then look, it’s ultimately your fault. Now, if you didn’t say anything insecure, if you didn’t say anything weak and needy, basically, you just had a normal conversation, and then she just completely stops talking to you, yes, that’s basically ghosting. Now, of course, it depends on the situation, but ultimately, if your woman doesn’t want to talk to you, well you gotta mirror it back and you don’t talk to her. It doesn’t matter whether that’s toxic ghosting, or just a woman who’s turned off, or a woman who is just really busy. I matched with this funny and quite nasty girl maybe two weeks ago and she’s just busy all the time. And so now I’m just mirroring back what she’s doing, which is always replying really late. And I’m just really growing tired of it at this point. And I’m just like okay, whatever, if you don’t reply, then I won’t reply either. Or if you reply really late, then why the fuck should I care? So ultimately, you got gotta mirror back that behavior.
She’s Losing Attraction: She Said She Wasn’t Ready For A Relationship And I Became Insecure
We never put a label on the relationship, but I think you could say that after two months of dating, we were a real couple. We were still not living together. So we saw each other usually at my place, although we didn’t live together, it was almost like she was living at my place. I’d see her at least three times a week, but I got a bit insecure because I wanted us to live together, but she said that she still wanted to wait and take things slowly, to which I asked her what she’s looking for in the relationship, if she’s not happy, or if there’s something wrong.
Now, that’s obviously where you went wrong because you said it yourself: It felt like a relationship. You’ve been dating for four months, right? And after two months, you would see each other all the time, basically three times a week. And essentially, she was almost like a roommate. You were clearly a couple, essentially, but she wasn’t ready for putting the label on it yet. So everything was unfolding quite naturally and it felt good to her. But then you try to pin her down. Now, I know, four months is quite a long time of dating already, but hey, whatever her reason was for not wanting to commit, or not being ready for saying it’s a relationship… It doesn’t matter. You should just give her time. She should be able to choose at her own volition. She should be the one who brings this up herself. If you would have never brought it up, I can guarantee you, you would most likely be a couple right now. So let’s see what you continue.
She Friendzoned Me After Dating: When She Goes Cold On You — Asking For Committment Too Soon
That then spiraled into her getting more distant over time and she told me that she just wanted to stay friends.
Sure, she wants to be friends…
I think she could feel something was off in my vibe and it got worse over time. I told her I couldn’t stay friends with her because I had feelings for her. By the way, we both hadn’t told each other yet that we loved each other, although that’s really how I feel about her. I was happy with her and wanted us to get more serious.
That’s the problem here, essentially, you can see that there’s clearly the wrong order of commitment. You haven’t even told each other that you love each other yet. So it’s kind of odd to live together. Heck, a few years ago, right before I left the Philippines, I was dating this girl and we had told each other that we loved each other, but we were still not living together. She had her own place. I had my own place. We were talking about moving in together and making plans about where we would want to move. We both wanted to actually leave the Philippines, ironically, but then COVID happened and we had ideas of where are we going to live short-term in the Philippines, and then eventually outside of the Philippines, but it doesn’t make sense in your situation, because you haven’t even told each other yet that you love each other. So it probably just felt like too much commitment to her. And she was maybe just opening up to the idea of telling you that she loves you. But she was not ready to move in together, yet. So you should have slowed down and first waited for her to tell you that she loves you. Then you tell her. And then you would have a mutual understanding of “Hey, we love each other. Let’s move in together. It makes sense that we build a life together,” but it was just too soon. And that’s where it, of course, went wrong.
No Contact For Dating: I Haven’t Heard From Her — What If She Stops Texting Back?
Anyway, we didn’t keep in touch and it was basically no contact. I mean, it wasn’t a bad breakup or anything like that especially since it was still early. More like an understanding between each other that we wouldn’t see each other anymore. It was painful but I managed it with self-respect and dignity. I just walked away. I think that’s why she then messaged me again after three months. I think she may have missed me. We started talking infrequently, not really about the relationship, just in general chatting. It was a bit weird but overall, it was better than nothing, but last week, I think I made a mistake and now I haven’t heard from her. I made a joke about our relationship. She recently had a deep tissue massage and she got bruises all over her back. It looked pretty bad. She was very conscious about it and I decided to make a joke and said at least it doesn’t look as bad as when I would spank you. I just thought I’ll be a bit cocky, but then she didn’t reply to it. So I guess it turned her off.
Well, let’s analyze this. If she had this big bruise on a deep tissue massage, I actually have seen this before. It looks fucking crazy! If anyone has never seen a deep tissue massage injury… It literally looks like someone beat you up! It’s crazy! So she must have been very conscious but she sent you a picture of her I guess naked back. So that was quite intimate if you think about it. And I actually also don’t think that it’s bad that you sent something cocky. The thing with “these don’t look as bad as when I would spank you,” that’s kind of a good joke, honestly! That’s kind of hilarious. And that should have probably turned her on. Now, we don’t know why it turned her off, but I don’t think that it was because you made a naughty joke. Maybe, perhaps, if she’s super turned off by you, in general, but then why would she message you? Maybe it’s because she’s a conservative person as well, but I mean if you spanked her, then I’m guessing she’s not a conservative person either. So there is some reason why she was turned off, but I don’t think it was your message. And now this is where it gets problematic. Basically, you tell yourself that this is what caused the problem. Now because of that you’re overthinking and then you become insecure.
Low Interest Girl: Did You Turn Her Off By Chasing Or Is She Dating Other Guys?
So anyway, I asked her two days later if she’s okay because I felt that I pissed her off. And she didn’t reply to that message either. So I let it go but then I messaged her again a week to just check with her but she has been very distant with me. She actually replied but I can tell that something’s wrong and I apologized for what I said. I said ‘Hey, sorry for my last message. That was really inappropriate.’…
Was it though? Was it really inappropriate? I don’t think it was too inappropriate. Sure, if she doesn’t want to flirt with you, then it was not something that she would like, but ultimately, I don’t think it was too much. I mean it was just a good joke about your sexuality in the past. The real problem is truthfully just that you’re overthinking. It’s as I said: This girl that I matched with two weeks ago… I can tell that she’s really just basically… I don’t know what she does for a living. She hasn’t told me but she’s busy all the time. I also see the same pattern with a lot of women in Jakarta. They are so busy with work, and sometimes they just don’t have time to reply.
Now, of course, if she would be super into you, then that wouldn’t stop her from messaging you but I don’t think that this was the reason why she stopped messaging you. She could be busy or more likely, probably, she’s dating some guy, or she’s talking to some guy, or maybe she’s at least flirting with some dude. And so you are… She’s probably dating both of you, and she’s trying to figure out who’s the right option. And now, of course, you become insecure. So if that would be the case, then who would be the right option? The right option would be the other guy, of course. If you would have not become insecure, then maybe she would have replied to this in a few days, and maybe she would have still joked about it, and maybe she just got turned on by this other guy for a moment. Who knows.
She Stopped Replying: Is There A Chance She Will Come Back Or Is It Impossible To Re-Attract Her?
She said it’s fine. So basically, nothing. Now, I haven’t heard from her since then and I’m not sure what to do. I pretty much fucked this one up. Hopefully, you have a suggestion for me how I can recover from this. I thought it would be smart, but it backfired. Thanks a lot.
Now, I think it was pretty smart, and did it backfire? It backfired mostly because of your insecurity. Never become insecure or doubt the things that you say to a woman. If you wanted to be naughty, then you wanted to be naughty. That’s the only right way how you can go. If she didn’t like it, it’s not your fault. If she didn’t like that you appreciate her, and that you love her body, and that you want to make a good joke about the good times, that you’ve had, that’s not your problem. That is her problem. Never apologize for being yourself. Never apologize for what you want. You are a king you should just express yourself. Do I have the t-shirt on right now? No, but I have a t-shirt that says “Dare to express“… That’s just super important! You just gotta express yourself whatever way you see fit. Of course, if you are rude, or if you are disrespectful, that’s a different topic. Obviously, but I don’t think in this context it is rude or disrespectful, because you shared a lot of intimacy. It’s just you recalling some good times.
So you then only screwed this up because you then overthought. You basically led her into your world of insecurity. You showed her “Look, I am still kind of on the fence about you, or rather, I am still insecure about you. I still want you back,” and let’s be real, you acknowledge this yourself: The reason why she came back is because she could tell that you are no longer insecure. So all you have to do is, you gotta pull back again. Stop overthinking. Stop apologizing. Just wait for her to message you again. And then okay, if this didn’t work out, if the banter or the naughty stuff didn’t work, don’t do it again for now, because clearly, it kind of it triggers you. It makes you insecure when you don’t get the response that you had hoped. So instead, just try to set up a date with her. Meet up with her. That is the thing that gets you into her pants. You can’t seduce her through messages. You can’t get into the bedroom with her through messenger. It just doesn’t work.
You gotta see her face to face. Maybe that’s where you then can make those jokes, and you can see in her eyes, she’s smiling, she’s laughing, she thinks it’s kind of funny, and then you can hook up. So maybe you’re just overthinking because you can’t read her properly. So instead of trying to figure out what she wants and read her online, try to read her in person. So that’s my advice for you. I don’t think you screwed it up so much. Just pull back. Is she ghosting right now? What’s going on? I think we just gotta reverse back to being really strong and secure. Clearly, when you pulled back, she came back, so that is working, I think. You get one more chance is after just one more chance, you become insecure again and you screwed up again, then it’s a done deal. She’s probably going to move on to some other guy. So you gotta use your next shot wisely. Don’t say anything. Don’t apologize for anything that you think might be inappropriate. And just ask her out to meet up the next time. All right, so that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
