Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about insecurity with women, especially when you’re going on dates and especially in the context of if you’re relatively young and perhaps you are relatively new to dating, or just in general, you don’t feel secure around women. So I actually see this quite a lot now. If you don’t know it, I live in Indonesia right now, and I actually also started an Indonesian TikTok, at least I’m planning to do a TikTok and YouTube channel soon, slowly over time. I want to build a business here. So I see a lot of young kids especially here in Indonesia that are very insecure and very weak with women. I don’t know if this is an Indonesian thing, but I think it’s rather something with the younger generations. I’m actually still relatively young, but I’m 33 years old, so I don’t think I come from the woke generation. I think especially the younger generations, they haven’t been trained to actually be confident in the presence of a woman.
Nervous To Go On Dates: Recognize The Opportunity Of Overcoming Insecurity With Women
So the best thing that you can do if you are insecure around a woman, especially if you’re young, but it doesn’t really matter what age you are, if you feel insecure around women, if you’re not comfortable going on dates with women, you basically gotta force yourself to become resilient. You gotta force yourself to go on more dates until the point where it becomes normal to talk to women, essentially, you gotta squeeze that weakness out of you, essentially. And if you are one of those people who are not weak, especially with the younger generations, you’ve got so much game. You can see it with these young kids. They are so desperate for some basic tips about how to talk to women, how to be confident, and I can just see how they have not been taught how to actually talk to women. And things that are just really common sense to me, they just are impossible for them.
So if you level up your game, especially with the younger generations, you’re basically a winner. If you are 25 or older, but even & especially if you’re 20 as well, you know, all of these younger girls, you can have them easily. So whether you’re on my channel and you’re 35, you can date a girl in her 20s, 21, 22. If you are 25 years old, of course, you can also date a 21 or 22-year-old girl, and so if you train yourself to become secure in the presence of women, you are basically beating all the younger generations. Essentially, you’re a king and all these chicks want you. All right, so let’s get into the situation of a young guy and let’s see what is my advice for him.
Overcome Shyness With A Girl: Starting With No Dating Skills — How To Get A Girlfriend As A Shy Guy
Hello coach, I’m looking for tips on overcoming my insecurity issues with girls. I am super shy around any girl and I’ve never even kissed a girl, which is a little bit embarrassing to me at the age of 22.
Look, I used to be like you. Well, not exactly like you. I have kissed a girl at a younger age than you, but it doesn’t really matter what year or age you gain game. Some people, they don’t have game at the age of 30, some people don’t have game at a year of 40, and some people are earlier. It doesn’t really matter. You can learn this at any point in time and the truth is, you can actually learn it relatively quickly. So if you’re watching this and you are old, older now, you’re in your 30s, or 40s, and you’re still lacking, you’re still a little bit insecure around women, you can learn this shit in three months, and then you can level up your game gradually a little bit more over the course of one year to two years. As you go on more dates. You force yourself to go on more dates. And eventually, you have so much game that you can’t even recognize who you used to be like one year ago. So don’t worry about it. You can learn this. And by the way, I would rather have you be a little bit insecure and at the age of 22 have had no chicks yet, then learn confidence and be able to master this, but not hook up too much.
Instead, find yourself one great chick and you date her for the long term. And then you are in a really great relationship. That is much better than, for example, if you compare yourself with other guys who have a lot of game when they are in high school, for example. I used to be shy in high school and I looked at all of these sporty guys in high school and they obviously got all the chicks when they were 15, and they were already fucking a lot of chicks, or I assumed they were fucking probably, or at least they were starting much sooner than I was. Yeah, that’s great, but it’s great for the short term. It looks like it’s something really great that you should aspire for, but one thing that you then realize as you have more women, as you have higher options with women, more options with women, it’s not that great.
I had a comment on one of my videos yesterday something like “Yo, this guy doesn’t have that many options,” and at first I was like yeah, whatever, dude, I’m gonna reply to it in a snarky way, or tell him no that’s wrong, whatever. But I realized what does that even mean? How many options do you really need to have with a woman? You just need one great woman. That’s all you need. Yes, it’s nice to have game. It’s nice to have options. But ultimately, all of these options sometimes, in a sense, they make it more difficult because now you have to choose and think really carefully, well, who do I actually date? So look, there are pros and cons to being insecure and I don’t think that it is too bad to still be insecure when you are relatively old, because it gives you some perspective.
Because as you get older, you learn more about how the world works. You learn more about how women work. You learn more about how you work and how you think. And you realize that well, maybe it wasn’t so bad that I was a bit insecure and didn’t fuck around all this time. Because you know that just made my life kind of more difficult. Now it’s harder for me to actually attach to women. These kinds of things. So look, there are pros and cons. What I’m saying here is: Don’t be too embarrassed about who you are. It’s okay to not know what to do at the age of 22. That’s cool, no worries. All right, so let’s see what do you say now.
Rejected After First Date: I Was Invested In This Girl But She’s No Longer Interested In Me
I’m basically still single since birth and don’t know how I can improve my lack of confidence. A week ago I had a really soul-crushing rejection by a girl who I thought liked me, but she’s basically no longer paying any attention to me and it sucks because I started to feel invested in this girl.
That is a big problem. You should never be invested in a girl unless you’re basically screwing her, because you never know what changes in the future. Perhaps you realize that she’s not really for you. Maybe she’s obnoxious. Maybe she’s not as funny as you thought she is. Maybe she’s really boring as a brick and you can’t really have great conversations with her. Maybe you thought in the first date yeah that was kind of nice, but then after you talked to her for like a few weeks, you’re like okay I you know I can’t really have a good conversation with her. Or perhaps you ran into a really good girl and the first time that you see her you have great chemistry and it feels like “Man! This is really great!” and you’re smiling and you’re flirting and all that shit and then you think about her until again, “That’s really great! I want to see her again!” … Then, if you give it some time and you maybe wait a month, then you realize “You know what? Actually, I was just on a dopamine high. I ran into her. I saw her face to face. It was really great and I thought she’s incredibly beautiful,” but then two months later or a month later, you look at her stories or other pictures and you’re like “Wait, you know, actually, I was kind of a little bit biased here. She is not as hot as I thought she was. And I basically just thought with my dick. And it was all the hormones in my body and I made a wrong judgment call.”
So you should never be too invested in a girl, unless you get really serious. So even if you’re already casually dating and you’re basically almost a couple already, you should always control your emotions. Don’t become invested because you never know what happens. Unless you’re girlfriend and boyfriend. Unless you’re in a committed relationship. Dude, man, she could dump you. She could find another guy. She could perhaps move away, for example, maybe she found a new job and she basically thought “I don’t have a boyfriend here in my city and I got this great new offer for a job in some other city… I’ll take it!” and you know, she’ll weight the pros and cons and she’s not really attached to you yet, or too much attached to you, and she’s going to take the job, of course. So never become too invested in a girl no matter what happens. Well, no matter what happens that’s not the right thing. Don’t become too invested unless you’re having sex. Unless you’re getting really close to being in a relationship. And until that point, unless you know that she’s really into you and invested in you, don’t become invested.
And there are studies on this. Women need more time to become invested in guys and confess their love, for example. So you should always play it cool and control your emotions. That’s something super important that you need to learn. And that’s why you need to also meet more women. Because once you meet more women, once you go out on more dates, once you also realize you have a lot of options, actually it doesn’t become that difficult to actually lose a woman. Right, if you have many many options, if you can have another woman next week, then you don’t have to become invested in the woman that you barely know. Now, you obviously think right now probably you don’t have that many options and this is why when you meet a girl and you talk to her for a while, you’re putting all your eggs in one basket. Don’t do that.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. You always put one egg in that basket, one egg in that basket, one egg in that basket. You have many eggs and if you lose one of those eggs, whatever! You still have 10 eggs in other baskets. And one of those baskets is going to work out. So you always talk to multiple girls. You always basically don’t invest in one girl at a time until you become serious. It’s basically a form of Oneitis, but premature Oneitis. You know, when you already don’t even know the girl and you’re so much invested in her that you think she’s the only one. It’s already bad enough when you do that in a relationship or after a relationship with a breakup. But it’s even more worse when you do that with a girl that you barely know. So very important to don’t have premature Oneitis. It never works out well. So don’t become too invested too quickly.
Biggest Turn Offs For Girls: Showing Too Much Interest In A Girl Feels Like She’s Your Only Choice
We match on a dating app and we had been talking for a few weeks but didn’t go on a date yet. Everything was okay to me while we were chatting but then she asked me to meet for a coffee in the evening and I was not ready for it at all when she asked me to meet up. It was literally like my heart froze at that moment and I’m lucky that she couldn’t see my real-time reaction.
Again, you’re basically not taught that a lot of women like you. So you are young, this can also happen to you when you’re in your 30s, or in your 40s, if you have the mindset that women don’t like me, then when something like that happens, like she asks you for coffee and you’re like “Whoa, what the fuck am I gonna do?” … You freeze and you’re basically insecure. You’re really nervous. But if you have a mindset of a king and you recognize there are so many women who like me, there’s so many women who want to talk to me, if a woman then says “Hey, let’s go out, let’s go for a coffee,” or something like that… If she shows you that she likes you, it’s like “Yeah, obviously, she likes me!” It’s inevitable. Do all the women on the planet like you? Of course not. But that’s not the point. The point is about mindset. If you have the right mindset, it doesn’t matter how attractive you are. That obviously helps if you’re really attractive, but if you have the right mindset, if you have the right aura and if you’re prepared for the fact that women like you, you will cease that opportunity. And that opportunity will not feel scary to you.
Instead, whenever you get those opportunities, you’re like “Yeah man! I’m the shit!These chicks like me!” That’s just validation that I’m a king. That’s the kind of mindset that you need to have. So you need to teach yourself that there’s a lot of women who actually want to. So you maybe need to actually just go on a bunch of more casual dates. Basically, increase your numbers. Now, I’m not saying that you should be fucking around or that you shouldn’t commit to a woman. It’s more about teaching yourself that you have options. Because a lot of guys don’t know this. And even if you in the beginning go on dates with women that are not that hot, it’s about the fact that you can teach yourself that a lot of women actually want you. And yes, it’s obviously harder to get a really attractive woman to want you, but there are a lot more attractive women out there who want you than you might think. And if you actually start from the bottom, you can build yourself up. So you need to teach yourself when a woman says “Hey I want to meet up with you,” dude, like yeah, duh! Obviously!
This happens to me a lot actually on dating apps. If I match with a girl and I talk with her, and I’m very confident, and I don’t simp, and I’m just, I’m straight to the point, they will often really quickly ask me “Hey, do you want to meet up for a date?“… I actually talked with my friend about this recently and he said that he has problems with this. That he sometimes, he spent too much time talking to girls and he has some problems sealing the deal, because he basically doesn’t have dates, and then it’s like the connection gets lost and the spark is lost. And if you are really confident with women, if you show them “Look, I don’t give a shit, I’m just having a good conversation here, and do you want to meet up for a coffee?” Yeah, let’s go already! No problem! A woman can feel your confidence! She will ask you this kind of stuff relatively quickly. So you should see this as an inevitability. It just happens because you are a king. And in that moment, when it happens, it’s affirmation that you’re a king. It’s not like “What?! I’m a king?! Wow!” or like “What?! She actually wants to go out on a date with me?“… That’s basically, probably, roughly your mindset. That’s your problem. So let’s continue what you’re saying.
How To Be Confident During A First Date: If You Want To Turn Her On At The First Date Say What You Think!
So we agreed to meet up the next day at a popular coffee shop in town, nothing super fancy, but a famous coffee shop where a lot of younger people go to flex for selfies. I was really nervous while waiting for her, and when I finally saw her, I immediately started the conversation super socially awkward by thinking way too slowly what to say and my introduction to her was basically an epic fail. She asked me if I was waiting for her for a long time and I told her ‘Not really’ but then I backtracked and said something like ‘I mean, well, maybe, yeah, kinda, I’ve been here since 5:30…’ So basically, I had been waiting for 30 minutes. Somehow I wasn’t really thinking about what I was saying and because of that, I said a lot of stupid shit like that while we had our coffee.
So basically, you are incongruent. You’re stumbling upon your words. Look, if something like this happened, if she asked me “have you been waiting here for a long time?” Okay first of all, it basically goes back to what I just said in the last section, in the last comment, that if you’re straight to the point with a woman, she is gonna be attracted to you. And you just say what you want you speak clearly. You keep it short. She will be really attracted to that. And you’re basically fumbling with your words. So she asks you have you been waiting here for a long. Look, it doesn’t really matter what you answer. You say yeah, I’ve been waiting for 30 minutes, but no problem to me. Or you could say yea I got here 30 minutes ago, but I’ve been reading a book so it’s cool. Or you lie about it. I don’t give a shit. You could also just say nah, I just got here 10 minutes ago. It doesn’t really matter. I wouldn’t necessarily lie because you know, she might know that it’s been more than 10 minutes, but you get the point.
The point is: Just be straightforward and don’t say too many conflicting things. Be congruent in your words. If you waited a long time, if it’s been 30 minutes, if you got here early and you know that was a dumb decision or whatever then just say “yeah I waited quite long but hey no problem,” and then you keep it at that. Your problem is basically that you are… It’s like you are grading the words that you’re saying. It’s like you’re trying to give a rating. What’s the rating of what I just said? She asked me “Did I wait for 30 minutes, so do some do I say something people-pleasing now? Or what exactly do I say? Do I say no, no don’t worry, I didn’t wait for 30 minutes??“… But it’s just a normal statement. Yes, I waited for 30 minutes. Or I’ve been here for a long time. There’s not really anything attached to the statement, except for if you attach something to that statement. If you think that saying yeah I waited for 30 minutes sounds weak, then it’s weak because you feel that way. But if you just say yeah, I waited for 30 minutes, whatever! But then it’s not weak. You’re just like whatever. You just waited 30 minutes. There’s nothing really to that statement. It’s a neutral statement. There’s nothing positive to it. There’s nothing negative to it. Like what does it really mean? It means nothing. So it’s really just about your mindset that you attach to those words or what you’re saying to her.
Again, it’s basically you overthinking: “Did what I just say make sense? Did it seem weak? Did it seem needy?” And so you’re overthinking what you’re saying. That’s your problem. So and then you become incongruent with your words and she can basically most likely feel that you are overthinking everything. You’re nervous in that moment. She can feel “why is he making so much of a big deal out of him saying that he waited for 30 minutes?“… First you say this, then you say this. It’s a small detail but women can pay attention to this. So it’s important to note.
Poker Face In Dating: The Secret Of How To Impress A Girl On A First Date Is To Never Reveal Your Cards
I was sweating a lot with my armpits. I don’t know if she could see it also on my face, but basically, the entire date I was battling to not sweat like crazy with my armpits and smell bad in front of her. She actually even asked me if I was okay or if I was nervous, to which I said something idiotic again. Something like ‘just a little. I mean I am rarely going on dates so I’m not used to talking to a girl face to face.’ Then I started laughing hysterically and said something like ‘yeah, so I guess I am a little bit nervous, but just a little, it’s not like I’m not happy to see you,’…
Okay, first of all, you should never show your weakness and or laugh hysterically. This kind of stuff. You’re showing your weakness like crazy. That’s the number one thing, of course. Obviously. But first of all, let’s talk about the sweating in the armpits. I’ve been there. I’ve been sweaty or nervous in the presence of women, or in general. It happens! Look, if you’re sweating a lot and you’re feeling uncomfortable, you don’t show that.
You just say: “Look, hey, wait, give me a minute. I have to go to the restroom.” You go to the restroom, you fix your armpits, you take some tissues, you make it dry. Is it gonna solve the problem? Probably not if you’re still anxious, but it’s better than sitting there like a sweaty little bitch for basically 30 minutes or one hour. Look go to the restroom, don’t show her that you’re nervous. You just say I gotta go to the restaurant quickly. You fix it. You come back. Problem solved. The second problem here is I wouldn’t have stated what you said as a negative thing. He basically said I’m a little bit nervous but it’s not like I’m happy to see you. So first of all, you’re saying you’re nervous. That’s weak.
Second, you then basically say I’m so happy to see you. So now, you’re in a way simping. Just a tiny little bit but you’re simping. I would have said it more confidently. So, for example, you could have said something like “I am quite excited to see you, I mean you’re really hot after all.” Now you’re thinking, wait, isn’t this also simping? But no, you’re saying it very straightforward. I can guarantee you, when you meet up with a woman and you find her really attractive and you tell her really clearly damn you’re really hot, she likes it! Whenever I tell to a woman she’s gorgeous or she’s really beautiful, she is hot… Sexy women don’t expect that.
And that goes back to the fact that a lot of guys are too scared to say something like this. They’re too scared to say “yo what I’m seeing right now is really great and I think that I’m a king, and what I’m seeing is exactly what I want, and I do think that you belong to me, so I’m telling you! I find you hot because I know you want me. I want you. I want you to know that I want you.” And trust me, if you say it confidently to a woman, they will typically smile. They will be happy to hear it because women only get one type of compliment. Most of the time, they either get no compliments or they get a lot of compliments that are just way too simpy, way too over the top, way too long. But most importantly, they are too people-pleasing. It’s like… There’s a difference between telling a woman that she’s gorgeous and that you’re so happy to see her and I can’t believe that I’m with you, all this kind of shit and you’re basically trying to get validation from her. Or you’re just telling it to her because that’s really what you feel. If you’re like “Damn! You are hot and I’m not saying this to you to get your validation! I’m saying this to you because I want turn you on. I’m saying this to you because I want to make sure that you’re horny so that soon I’m going to get into your pants.”
That’s a big difference or, at the very least I’m going to basically turn you on and want you to be with me. That’s a big difference because you’re not seeking validation. You’re seeking to get what you deserve, basically, you’re a king, she’s hot, you really like her, you like what you’re seeing, you’re a little bit nervous, sure, but you phrase it as you’re being excited and she is damn fine. So you tell her that and she’s like “wow no guy has ever told it to me like that so straightforward” and she can tell “Mhh! He’s confident! He likes me! And I like that he’s saying it like that.” It’s a big difference. There’s no validation seeking if you do it like that. So you should have basically been a lot more confident, not stated in a nervous, negative way. That would have solved your problem. All right, let’s see what you say next.
Nervous On A Date: The Awkward Silence On A Date When You’re Not Used To Talking To Women
And that was probably the weirdest moment of our date. There was a short awkward silence there. Anyway, the date continued and then the conversation was okay, but I was fighting my insecurity during the entire date, and well, the date is basically the moment when she lost interest in me.
For sure.
Until then we had a good time chatting. I am okay chatting to a girl. Well, not all the time, but sometimes if I get along with the girl and it’s great, then it’s great. But then I don’t know how to also have the same chemistry in real life. I hope you can give me a bunch of tips on what I can change about my insecurity and how to improve dates like that. This girl was so cute and I messed it up completely. Thanks so much.
Look, what you should do is… I know you don’t want to hear this because you’re already very insecure and so I’m assuming that you’re already relatively insecure on dating apps, to talk to the girls, and it sounds to me that only a bunch of your conversations are great. You’re not always great at texting… What you should do is you should talk to much more women on dating apps, and if you’re insecure, I know you don’t want to hear this, instead of talking really long, you try to keep the conversation relatively short and then you ask them out for dates. The same way what I mentioned earlier that girls relatively quickly ask me out for dates. I just quickly have a quick conversation with them and we’ve only been talking for like, I don’t know, like, you can maybe scroll like three times on the phone on something like Bumble, and then they already asked me “so you want to meet up for coffee?” That’s the kind of pace that you should be going at. Ask really quickly. Now, why should you do that? Because you’re already insecure on text messages.
So you need to get some game in real life. You need to get like one, or two, or three girls to date you, and to make out with, and to maybe become intimate with, so that you can learn a lot of girls actually like what I’m doing to them. A lot of girls actually like me and look you’re obviously gonna fail, but you’re going to build up a lot more game in person, than if you do it on texting. On texting it’s just much harder to connect with a person. That’s just the reality. Especially if you’re shy, but if you’re face to face, over time, you’re going to learn that it’s kind of not that hard to talk to a person or a woman. In this case, now you’re really insecure, because you’ve never met that many women in real life. I assume you need to go on more real life dates and then practice talking to them. Is it gonna suck at the beginning? Yes, obviously, but you’re going to build up your resilience over time. It’s just what I said in the beginning. Like all of these younger kids in Indonesia who like my content that I do for dating advice. They seek advice from me. Then one thing that is clear, they don’t talk to girls. They primarily talk to their own groups of friends, which are mostly guys, and so they never teach themselves to be in the presence of a woman, face to face, romantically, and realize that hey it’s not that hard. It’s normal.
And so you need to desensitize yourself to the fact that you think you have to watch every word that you’re saying. That’s basically your problem. You’re fumbling your words. You’re incongruent. And that’s unattractive. And if you would just say straight up exactly what you want, then you would succeed much more with women. So you need to teach yourself to be more direct. So go on dating apps, and then be quite direct. Talk very shortly, like I said, you have like maybe two, three, four scrolls on the dating app and then you already try her “hey, so you want to meet up for coffee?” and a lot of girls will probably say yes. Well, a lot of them also say no, probably depends on how into you they are, but if you are direct, at least that’s confident. Then you go on the dates and you teach yourself that it’s not so bad to go on dates. So I think you just haven’t been exposed to enough dates, to enough women. Clearly, you’ve never kissed a woman, so it’s very obvious to me. And you can apply this whatever your age is. It’s about the numbers game. And it’s not about the numbers game in the sense of it’s a numbers game so that you get the right woman for you to succeed in terms of rejection. That’s not it. It’s a numbers game in the sense of teaching yourself that it’s normal to do that…
I don’t know what’s something that feels uncomfortable? Ah, okay! Indonesia! Talking Indonesian! That was really kind of scary and I was shy about it when I was new in Indonesia. I’m still a little bit shy about it because I’m still not that great, but you know, you gotta do it. The more often you do it, the more easier it becomes. The easier it becomes, it basically teaches you that if you’re gonna do it, if you’re gonna talk Indonesian to people, it’s not going to kill. You most likely, actually, most people that I talk to in Indonesian, people are like “This guy talks Indonesian?!” And most of them actually like it because surprisingly, most foreigners here don’t speak Indonesian even though the language is quite easy to learn.
So once you get over that initial barrier, it becomes much easier and it becomes like something that’s primarily normal, right. The same thing, I remember this when I was new in the Philippines, seven years ago when I was brand new, like even just getting out one or two words in Tagalog was so hard for me, right. So it makes you sweat, just like you said, you become nervous, and you don’t want to do it, but then after you try it more and more, it’s like you know, whatever! I’m just talking! And I’m just trying to become better at the language. It’s the same thing with women. In the beginning, it makes you sweat. You become nervous. But the more often you do it, you’re like, oh it’s just like opening your mouth. It’s just like having a conversation. It’s just like practicing your language skills. So expose yourself more often. That’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what do you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king with him.
