Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video I’ll talk about finding the right women to date. Weeding out the bad seeds. The bad women who aren’t relationship material. Step number one for this is always making yourself aware of what you want from a woman. And in today’s message from a young man, he already knows what he wants, which is admirable. But he’s stuck at step number two. How to find the woman that you want to attract. So let’s see what is my advice based on his situation.
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Hey coach, I want to get your thoughts on dating in your 20s. I am 24 right now and I am struggling to find the right girl. I am not a big fan of dating apps. I tried it a few times but both Tinder and Bumble are filled with girls who just want casual sex. A lot of them have over-sexualized pictures and most of the time they don’t even have anything in their bio.
So first of all, it’s really good that you know what you want. You don’t want the whole hyper-sexualized stuff. Honestly, I can’t imagine what dating is like now. In your 20s, I am 33 right now. And honestly, even just women probably that are 7, let’s say maybe 7 years younger me roughly in that age. And I can date these women. I can date a girl who is 22 or something like that, no problem. And a lot of these girls in that age range, they are quite fucked up to be honest because of social media. They always just want to flaunt their bodies basically. And yes, obviously that is how women win in the world of course. Women have always won that way but it kind of has gone to an extreme. That said, because you know what you want, you should recognize that you can find the right women also on dating apps. Now, based on the fact that you don’t want over-sexualized women and all that stuff, dating apps in general are probably not your best bet to find these kinds of women.
However, there is always a small percentage of women on these dating apps that are good women. For example, very often what happens, maybe it depends on where you live, but sometimes you end up on a dating app and you match with a woman who is actually very innocent who has never used a dating app. Like, yesterday I matched with a girl who just didn’t know how to fucking use Bumble and how to use the question feature. So she clearly never really used a dating app properly even though she’s quite older. She’s 29 but hey, Indonesia is a bit more conservative. And so there are good women out there. Since you already know you don’t want the sexualized women where you know she has a hot picture, she has lots of hot pictures, just ignore them. When I see really hot women, you know in the past I would have just swiped all the super hot women right, no questions asked. But now she has to be insanely hot. If she doesn’t have something interesting in her profile or if her profile is completely empty and she’s just super hot, you know even if she’s very very hot I will probably left-swipe. Sometimes, I gotta be honest, I will make an exception if she’s just absolutely stunning.
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For example, I matched with this girl who was a model before and her profile was, I forgot, it was probably just a one-liner I think. Something like “an intelligent guy is sexy,” or something like that. That was everything that was in her profile and she was a model. She was literally a miss tourism in Indonesia and so she was absolutely gorgeous and so I was like, I saw that she liked me so I was like okay you know what, she’s super hot and I swiped right and she’s actually a nice girl and I’ll get to this in a moment. I’m actually about to meet up with her very soon. But that aside, if you see a really hot woman, sometimes you gotta give it a shot right, if they’re really hot you just give it a try. That said, you should just ignore all the women that you don’t find interesting because they don’t have a profile or because they are mostly just over-sexualized. On dating apps, in general, you should always only right-swipe the chicks who are matching what you want and that’s why for example super likes are really efficient or why on Tinder the premium feature where you get exposed more if you right-swipe a woman in general, it’s very useful. On Bumble you have the same thing. You have the super likes, right. And so you basically ignore 90% of the women. It’s basically just that you gotta swipe a lot. I know it’s a time-consumer but realistically, depending on where you live, you don’t have to swipe forever.
Basically, you just ignore 90% of all the women and you might think yeah that’s bad for the algorithm but it doesn’t matter because all you care about is to super like the ones that you actually want to match up with, the ones that you want to have your profile be seen to and super likes will really help you with that. And I’ve noticed this especially with women who are not so sexualized, because I’m also not so much into this anymore. I’m a bit older now and I know that I want women who are actually relationship material. When I use super likes on the sweet girls, they tend to reciprocate because they just need to see your profile. They actually read your profile very often and they will look at the pictures. You look kind of nice maybe something that you wrote in your profile is funny or intriguing and they see the profile because you super like them and they typically super like back. With a hot woman she might not like you back, actually. So I would just ignore all of the ones on the dating apps that don’t have what you want but recognize that there are women who have it. Now there’s still gonna be trial and error of course, but typically you can kind of see the woman that is very sweet.
For example, right now, I’m still in Bali and I matched with this girl a few weeks ago and let’s just say her profile looked just absolutely sweet. Her English is not that great, so that’s Indonesia for you, but her profile looked really sweet and her smile, and her face, and the way that she dresses, she looked like the kind of girl that you bring home to your mom, basically. And I was absolutely right about that. She’s a really sweet woman and she is not too sexualized and I gave her a shot and typically, your intuition will be right. So just use your intuition and ignore all the ones where you can tell they’re way too over-sexualized. I don’t like that. They seem boring and use your super likes, your super swipes, whatever you want to call it. Use it on the women that you find attractive. Will that solve all your problems?
No, but it is at least better than using dating apps in a way that you just get frustrated and you feel like dating apps are useless. I hate this when people say dating apps are, for example, just for hookups. It’s a ridiculous notion. Yes, of course, a lot of people on Tinder, for example, only hookup. But to think that there’s only hookups on those apps is, of course, a ridiculous notion. I’ve met great women on Tinder. I’ve met great women on Bumble, I’ve met great women on OKCupid. Every dating app is slightly different with demographics but don’t give up so quickly. But there’s more that you can do. Let’s first continue with your message.
Finding A Good Woman For Marriage: Date An Expressive Woman, Not An Attention Seeking Woman
I know I’m probably unusual as a young guy to not want sexual women but I’m a bit more idealistic. I want. to find a girlfriend who I can be proud of bringing home to my mom. Actually, right now I don’t live at home and it’s important to me. Family is important to me and I want my girlfriend to have family values as well. So the question is how do I know what girl I should date? I feel like everyone in my age group isn’t family oriented at all. Or at the very least I feel like most girls around my age only care about getting as much attention as possible from as many guys as possible. Just open TikTok. It’s full of videos of girls doing silly dances dressed up as sexy as possible where you can clearly tell that they can’t dance and the only reason they’re doing it is for the eyeballs of men.
Yeah, that’s why I said I can’t imagine how difficult it is now as a young person to date because there’s basically so many attention whores. But there are not only attention whores on the planet. Clearly, you are family-oriented as a guy and to think that there are no family-oriented women on the planet, that’s a bit ridiculous, obviously. There are a lot of family-oriented women. The problem is because of social media it gets highlighted to you. The algorithm. That’s how it works, right. It shows you all of these chicks that you wouldn’t want to show to your mom, right. If you would show certain profiles on TikTok, for example, to your mom, you would be embarrassed. You would feel very embarrassed. Or if you would show those profiles or Instagram profiles of certain girls, “That’s my girlfriend“… You would be very embarrassed, right, even to your friends perhaps, because she’s an attention whore. But there are not only attention whores.
For example, I have a TikTok account, an Indonesian TikTok account. And yes, even in Indonesia there are a lot of just crazy chicks, I gotta say. They’re always dancing and way to sexualized and it’s kind of disgusting to be honest. They’re also doing that same thing. Shitty dancers and you just can’t fucking escape it. The TikTok algorithm always brings it back. But I actually follow one girl on my TikTok. I follow very few people in general. I think 14 or 13 people. Of course, some cute girls as well. And I follow one girl, she’s quite cute, but the reason why I actually followed her was because she’s a dancer. But she’s a professional dancer or at the very least she is really passionate about it. So I can tell everything that she’s posting, it’s, yes, of course, she likes the validation. She likes to show off her skills. She likes it when people appreciate her skills but she has something actually going for her. She really loves what she’s doing. Whenever I see one of her dances I’m like “Damn girl! You are so good!” So that is actually beautiful. I look at her videos. She’s cute, she’s pretty, and I see the way that she dances and how she loves it and how she’s having fun. And I’m like damn that’s something that’s really beautiful about you.
So there are really great women out there who sometimes post on social media who are not necessarily attention whores, at least in the sense of they just want the likes of other guys. And so I think one thing that you have to realize is, is that you really just gotta say no to the women. So this girl is really nice. She seems like she’s a really sweet girl. I’ve never talked to her. I’m just following her. I find the way that she dances really cute and she’s gorgeous. And whenever I see one of her dances that’s nice, I really enjoy watching her in her TikTok videos. And you know that is the kind of girl that you want to date. She has something going for her. She’s not just looking for attention. She’s furthering her skills. She’s really striving in what she’s doing right. But, for example, let’s say you would be out on the mall and fuck man. Like you’re out on the mall and you’re going up the escalator and there’s a chick who places her fucking smartphone and does a fucking stupid… A stupid TikTok dance. You know these fucking retarded dances that are completely useless and it’s completely narcissistic. Bitch get out of my way! I’m trying to get up the escalator. If you see a girl like that, you just run as quickly as you can.
But if you see a girl like the other one that I’m following who really loves what she’s doing. Who is not just doing it for attention. For narcissism. Because I think I believe her dream is probably to become a professional background dancer maybe for someone in Indonesia. I could be wrong about that. But that seems kind of like what she’s at at or what she wants as a person. And she’s attractive with the things that she pursues. The same way, there are, of course, a lot of girls who have other passions that they like. Like, for example, she’s a musician, or maybe she likes makeup, or maybe she likes to do makeup and maybe she’s a hairdresser. Something that she’s passionate about that she wants to further her skills and her interests in. You should rather focus on a woman who doesn’t chase dopamine all the time. Dopamine chasing is bad as a guy and you definitely don’t want to date a chick who also only dopamine-chases. So that’s one thing. The other thing also is you just gotta basically think where can you find them. But maybe let’s first continue with your message and then we’ll talk about where can you find these girls.
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I don’t know what I should be thinking about these girls. Is a girl like this relationship material? The reason why I’m asking is that pretty much every girl younger than me does this kind of attention seeking. I don’t know if I’m being too judgmental here but I just don’t like it. Since your channel is usually about mindset, I wanted to ask you if you think that maybe I have to change my mindset about this. And if not, how do I know when the girl is the right one or how do I find the right kind of girl? Thanks a lot for your advice.
Okay, so number one is you never 100% know. You can sometimes match with a girl, for example, on a dating app and you realize that she is kind of fucked up, but you will typically realize that relatively quickly. That said, you already have pretty high standards. So if you already weed out the bad ones, right, the bad seeds, and you only go for the top 10%, 20% where you have a pretty good feeling about it, then most of the time probably like 60%, 70%, 80% of those girls will be pretty good already. Maybe you’re not giving it enough chances. That said one thing that you probably should consider is that you don’t necessarily find these girls on social media. Like you said if you go on TikTok you find all of these attention whores, basically. Is it the kind of girl that you want to date? Obviously, no. Are there great girls on TikTok as well? Yeah, but the algorithm basically probably mostly hides them from you. Same on dating apps. There are some but not that many. What I would say is you’re 24, right. So you’re looking to date a girl who is probably 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, maybe 24. I’m assuming you don’t want to date a girl who is older than you and so where do you meet them? Typically, what you’ll encounter is that you will meet them in the most unlikely places that you don’t expect.
For example, before COVID happened, I was living in Siargao. I was living in the Philippines, and then I was planning to move to Siargao island. I used to stay and be there back and forth every now and then. It’s kind of like a relatively small surf beach but very popular in the Philippines. So a lot of the city girls will go there for vacation and to take their selfies and everybody kind of dreams to go to Siargao and live there. Which is kind of like the Bali of Indonesia, right. So everyone here in Indonesia wants to move to Bali and in the Philippines everybody wants to move to Siargao. So you see a lot of city girls going to Siargao island and I met this girl just completely by chance encounter. She was sweet, she was a bit conservative, a bit shy about her sexuality. I had to warm her up a little bit but she was just an incredibly kind woman. She was really sweet and I do kind of miss her but I’m in Indonesia now and the whole COVID thing, yeah, that screwed it up, but she was a great woman and she just came out of nowhere, basically.
What you should do is, just stop focusing so much on finding the right girl and trying to force it. Typically, that can happen very organically. It’s essentially the same as dating apps. It’s a numbers game. If you go out there often enough and expose yourself to enough people you will eventually meet the right woman. So, for example, this girl, I met her at… It’s not really a hostel, but it’s a very I, guess you can say a very high class hostel. It’s not really a hostel but basically it was like a shared community communion space. It wasn’t a hostel but it was like, you had your own private rooms and the place had this huge shared living room and you meet, I met lots of girls there. Lots of nice girls. But she, in particular, was really nice. So you meet a lot of nice girls if you expose yourself to them, right. So you have to be in places where you meet a lot of nice girls. Now, obviously, if you go to a club or a party place, yeah, that probably won’t work too well! So obviously, that’s not the right place to go. You gotta expose yourself to the right areas where you can actually meet them. So Siargao, for example, is a pretty decent place for at least the girls from the city who are just visiting, who are passing by. Actually, Siargao, for example, I would say is maybe not the best place to live because it’s a party place and that’s actually why right now I’m also soon leaving Bali, actually, because it’s not the best place where I can meet the right kind of girl. Like the kind of girl that you want to meet, who’s not so sexualized.
So right now, in three days, I’m moving to Ubud in Bali to get a bit of a peaceful nature for a month, then after that, I actually plan to move to Java, which is where it’s more conservative. There’s no tourism there. And so I know that in that area there’s going to be a lot more girls that are relationship material. So you have to ask yourself: Are you hanging out in the right places? So on dating apps, yeah, it’s tough, because a lot of the girls know that what they have to do is, they have to basically look sexy to find the right man but there are a lot of women who just honestly don’t care about that. They’re traditional. They just want a nice guy and they’ve never really thought about it too much. They just go on with their life. They are honestly too busy with making ends meet and sometimes they might be dating but often they’re just too busy with things that are going on in their life and when you then meet a girl like that randomly in person these kind of girls are typically the ones that are relationship-material that you can bring home to your mom. And they are not fucked up with society. They’re not fucked up with social media. If you meet a girl who barely posts on TikTok, for example, or a girl who barely posts on Instagram, and who usually just uses her social media for staying in touch with friends. She’s a normal, down-to-earth girl. That’s the kind of girl that you want to meet. Obviously, you’re not gonna find her on a dating app most of the time. Sometimes you can find her on a dating app, but it’s kind of rare, right.
So that’s why I said you have to ignore the 90%, 95% and only super like the 5%. But for the most part, I wouldn’t sweat it so much. Ignore all of these girls that are looking for attention. You are on the right track here with thinking that these are not relationship material. There’s nothing wrong with that! You are actually doing everything right here. You already know what you want at the age of 24, which is amazing, because a lot of guys, they don’t know what they want. I was kind of like you, that when I was younger, I wanted that kind of girl but I was too shy so I couldn’t have them, then I became very confident. I obviously learned a lot about dating. Now I’m teaching about dating and then I could have basically any girl that I wanted. And I kind of got, I guess you could say, greedy, and a little bit too, yeah addicted to, not addicted but I did like the attention and girls like the same attention as well. And now I’m going back to “I just want one woman who’s nice. Who I can date for the long-term, and marry, and then settle down,” all that stuff.
And so I think you’re on the right track. Stay on that track! What you should do is ask yourself: Where can you meet these women? Or where can you go where your interests might align? So, for example, if you are a surfer guy like me, or you like the beach, then, of course, you’ll go to the beach and I hung out by the beach and I met a really nice girl who likes nature, who likes running. We went for runs there on Siargao. And she was a really great woman. She was a city girl but she’s drawn to certain things. So you have to obviously be in the places where you meet the girls who are drawn to the same things that you’re drawn to. So what is it for you? Family orientation. Nothing crazy, certainly. You’re not gonna meet them on TikTok. You’re not gonna meet them on the escalator when the girl takes the stupid TikTok video. You’re gonna meet her maybe in church. Maybe in community service. Maybe when volunteering. Maybe something that’s not really related to family orientation but maybe it’s personal growth seminars, or personal growth events, in general stuff, like that there are all kinds of ways where you can meet these kinds of women who are aligned with what you want.
Or if you for example, like books, if you’re introverted, then you probably will like a girl who likes to read books as well. So where can you meet them. Book club, or maybe you just literally… If you like books, honestly I mean depends where you live, but in Indonesia it’s a bit hard to be honest, the bookstores are kind of small here, surprisingly, but if you would be in the Philippines, the book stores are always huge! You can meet so many cute girls in those bookstores and then you just start a conversation and she will probably, you will both probably get along because you have a shared interest, you both kind of have the same values, you probably don’t like to party, you just want to educate yourself, learn something, and get lost in your own world or in another world with books.
So obviously, you have to choose wisely where you hang out and who you match with. So I think you’re on the right track here how do you find the right girl, or who the right one is. I think you already know who the right one is. You know exactly that these girls on TikTok are not the right ones for you, so just ignore that and then instead of spending your time on TikTok, or whatever, focus that time and that attention to something else. So instead of that, I make it a habit to for the most part now, actually, I barely use TikTok. I only use it for my Indonesian content but aside from that, I try to stay away from TikTok as much as I can because I know how addictive it is, and how useless it is. So you basically just gotta stay away from that and then shift your focus. So, for example, I told you I moved to ubud, I’m moving to Ubud in four or five days and I finally go back… I want to go back to a really strong fitness journey. I will shut off all social media. I’ve been working heavily on content for this channel here to have a long term plan, and I’ve been working like crazy, basically, until the end of the year to get a lot of stuff done for my goals with my business, with this channel, and now I want to focus on some new stuff as well, like Indonesian stuff, and I want to get…
I want to focus on myself. I want to go to the gym. I’m sure I’m gonna meet a lot of nice girls at the gym. So where can you go where you can find some nice girls. I can’t wait to go to Ubud and go running, and there’s probably gonna be some running groups, I’m sure. I’m gonna meet some girls there. So ask yourself: How can you divert your attention away from the dating apps and from TikTok, for example, or all of these social media apps, and go out there in the real world? So maybe write it down on pen and paper and make a plan, and then maybe talk through it with a friend. Maybe even with some girlfriends where do they hang out. Ask them what are the girls who are your closest friends that you like? That you might would be interested in, if they wouldn’t have a girlfriend, for example, right, you would be like, yeah, I would probably date you if you would be single, and ask them “Hey, where do you hang out?” How do they spend their time? So that’s my advice to you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
