Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re gonna talk about ex re-attraction and the signs of an ex leading you on. And the fact that you should probably move on. So, when you try to re-attract an ex, it’s pretty common that you don’t just go in a straight line. You don’t just start from no contact on day one, everything goes smoothly, she reaches out to you, you talk to her, and everything’s perfect and you just get back together. Sometimes that happens, but typically, it’s ups and downs, it doesn’t go smoothly. Sometimes you fuck something up, you become a little bit insecure, you turn her off a little bit, maybe she feels insecure, maybe she’s not sure about you for a moment. Maybe there’s also some other guy still in the picture and she still makes up her mind about that. But that’s all cool, that’s fine.
When Your Ex Girlfriend Keeps Reaching Out: Is Your Ex Using You Or Interested?
However, if you have these ups and downs nonstop, or if she’s dating a new guy nonstop, or, she’s just basically using you as a plan B, basically. She’s just killing time. She doesn’t really wanna let go of you, but she also doesn’t really wanna commit to you, not even to a date. Then you just gotta move on. So I got a message from a guy who basically wants his ex back and he’s trying to get some advice for what he can do, how can he break through her defenses. I think he wrote, if I’m not mistaken, or something like that. And, well, the reality is that some women don’t have their defenses up. Yes, sometimes an ex has her defenses up with you and she’s still trying to figure out how does she feel about you. But often she’s just reaching out to you to kill time. She’s not yet ready to commit to another guy. She’s probably fucking some other guys, but she still likes that emotional support that she gets from you. So let’s see what do I have to say about his situation. Let’s get right into it.
Hi, coach. My girlfriend broke up with me a few months ago, but she still reaches out to me on a regular basis. It’s almost like we’re not doing no contact anymore. I only was doing no contact for a short while. I’ve been pretty hopeful that she wanted to get back together, but now I’m not sure if there’s something that I’m doing wrong or not because we’re not getting closer.
Well, in a perfect world, this is actually what you would want. If your ex always reaches out to you because she really misses you and essentially you’re not doing no contact anymore, you’re basically just talking, you’re in the talking stage, I guess you could say, if you’ve seen that viral video recently. Well, that’s kind of fine. That’s perfectly actually because you can slowly increase her attraction. But if you’re constantly talking and you’re not going anywhere, then it’s a clear sign that she’s not really interested in committing. And she’s probably just using you for attention, getting what she wants, emotional support, killing her boredom, talking to you when she doesn’t feel good about herself, when she had a setback in life, when something didn’t work out with the guy, and so on and so forth. So it could also be that you’re basically just in the friend zone. It depends, you obviously got to weigh it. I think in your situation, you’re not in the friend zone. I think she just doesn’t appreciate you and she’s just using you as a backup plan. But let’s see what I have to say.
Bad Breakup Ex-Girlfriend Syndrome: Ex Girlfriend Going Hot And Cold Is Normal
Our relationship had its ups and downs, but ultimately it was my fault that things ended. I wasn’t treating her right. I was too complacent about her being there for me, that I neglected to actually be there for her. She’s a very nurturing woman. When you get sick, she’ll take care of you. If something’s wrong, she’ll be there for you. But I did not do the same thing for her. I would often just not make enough effort to support her and I think she just got fed up with it. When she broke up with me, I was devastated and at first I begged, but after a while, I tried to respect her wishes and give her space, primarily because her brother told me that I should stop talking to her and if there’s ever something in the future, it would be up to her, not me. In retrospective, I’m grateful to him for talking some sense into me.
Yeah, so that was actually the right call to do. Her brother was spot on about this. You always gotta give your ex space. You can’t beg, especially if you actually neglected her. It’s kind of ironic. Everybody who’s watching this, if you neglected your ex, this is a very common thing that happens in a relationship. You neglect your ex, you don’t treat her as well as she does treat you. Like you said, she was very nurturing. If you get sick, she will be there for you and she will always make time for you. The girl that I’m dating right now, I recently got sick. She always brings me food, she gave me a massage and these kinds of things. That’s what women do. What good women do. Good, nurturing women, traditional women. Maybe not so much in the US, but here in Indonesia, they are very traditional, they are very nurturing. Great women here in Indonesia and great women will do that for you and if you don’t do it for her occasionally, she will be disappointed. I’m not saying that you have to be as nurturing as a woman, obviously, but you can’t neglect her needs essentially.
And then when you did that and she eventually leaves, you think, “I neglected her needs, so now I’m gonna go 180 degrees, do the exact opposite. Now I’m going to just show her exactly how much I care about her,” but at that point it’s too late. You gotta give her the space and time to miss you and then when you start dating again, when you go on dates, when you make out again, when she stays over at your place and so on, you are then going to show her: Now you’re making changes. Now you’re a little bit more nurturing. Now you’re a little bit more attentive. Now you’re listening better to her and so on and so forth, whatever didn’t work. But after the breakup, you gotta let that go, it’s over. You can apologize once, quickly, briefly for it. That’s about it.
Being Your Ex’s Backup Plan: Your Ex Girlfriend Is Dating Another Man & Uses You For Attention
So I decided to do no contact, as hard as that was, however, soon after I started no contact, roughly three weeks after, she started texting me again. I was really thrilled to hear from her. I thought this would be my chance, but so far, nothing really has crystallized that you could call as a big success. She isn’t mad at me, she’s pretty friendly and doesn’t bring up my mistakes from before, but I feel like something’s missing with her attraction for me right now.
Despite this, she continues to text me regularly. Our conversations are kind of up and down. Sometimes she’s seemingly relatively flirty and fun and lighthearted, and then other times, she seems to have low interest for me and she will change the topics when I try to flirt with her. She also once told me that she was seeing someone, so I’m not sure what to make of it. She keeps texting me, but then sees someone else. Well, actually, right now, I don’t know if she’s seeing someone else any longer because it’s been a while since she mentioned it and her behavior seems like she might not be seeing another guy any longer.
Well, personally, I would not go by that assumption. Typically, a woman always has a guy in the picture. She might not be dating this guy. But there is a guy in the inbox. There are probably multiple guys in the inbox. Even men have women in their inboxes when they’re confident, when they’re attractive. I have women in my inboxes, and I gotta be careful now because I’m dating a girl, but you get the idea, right? So there’s probably still some guy in the picture, or she could have a guy at any moment. I assume she’s probably still fucking someone. Now, clearly, she’s not really mad anymore, right? She’s not bringing up the problems. She’s friendly with you. She’s flirting with you sometimes, but there’s no attraction. So basically, she’s relatively neutral. She doesn’t really care so much. So she doesn’t miss you enough. At the same time, she’s not angry at you. She’s probably hooking up with some other guy, and the guy is probably not giving her what she wants emotionally, and she still misses something that she had with you, and that’s why she reaches out to you sometimes, but she’s very non-committal. So let’s just see where this goes.
Because things weren’t going anywhere I recently asked her about the possibility of reconciling when our conversation was going great, and she was flirting with me. I basically said that it feels great to talk to her again, and that it feels like we can do things better in the future.
I wouldn’t have done that. I would have just tried to meet up with her, go on a date with her. That’s basically it. Don’t just push her into committing to something. She needs to be confident around you, in person, like on a normal date, and when she feels confident around you, you know, she’s either going to make the first move herself, or she will signal to you that she wants you to make the first move.
Your Ex Is Leading You On: When Your Ex Girlfriend Keeps On Flaking & Avoiding Reconciliation
But she then just changed the subject and gave me a vague answer. She said that we should just see where things go, and take it one day at a time. She doesn’t know what the future holds, and she just enjoys it, we’re talking again, and that there are no more problems. I’m taking this as if she still wants to sort things out, and that if we can still make it work, but it seems that she is hesitant to get to the next level with me. I don’t know what I should do now. I get that I was a little bit neglectful of her, but there’s very little that I can do right now. It seems the only thing that I can do right now is more patience and keep putting in the effort, and that’s frustrating. I’m messaging you because I hope that you can provide me with some hacks in this situation.
Well, the hack is cut her off basically. Well, that’s not really a hack, but if you would be in a relationship, and you are putting so much effort in, right? You said this yourself… It’s kind of frustrating! And you feel like the only thing you can do is put more effort, more, more, more effort. This is actually what a lot of women do in relationships. When they’re not happy with their guy, they put more effort until they become kind of exhausted, and then they just give up, and then they leave the guy. Likewise, how would you feel if you would put effort all the time with a woman, and you’re dating her, or you’re in a relationship, or you’re married to her, whatever, and you put in so much effort, but you’re not getting anything back? You would basically feel very demotivated, and you would want to leave her, right? So why would you put that effort in with her, and keep pursuing her when she’s not putting any effort for you? That doesn’t make sense. You’re thinking that you can still make it work, you can still make it work, because she says, “Yeah, it’s nice, so I say we don’t have problems, and I want to take it one step at a time.” But what does that mean?
Look, one step at a time, and taking it slowly, does not mean that you go around the bush in circles, or beat around the bush in circles, for three months, or something like that. It’s fine to take things slowly, and not hook up right away, not go home to your place right away, maybe only go on one date a week, or maybe only one date every two weeks, or something like that. But if she doesn’t show any effort to actually want to get together, and at least get closer to you, in the same sense that you would be getting closer to the brand new woman that you’ve never met, then she has no interest, actually. She’s just basically leading you on. She’s hoping that you will take the bait. She’s hoping that you don’t recognize that most likely, she is already making plans what to do with her life, what else to do, she’s probably considering other guys, other options, maybe she’s considering staying single, or pursuing something else in her career, or something like that. Then she’s basically just using the convenience of having you right now, but she’s still sorting everything out, and I can guarantee you, eventually, right now she’s already sometimes low interest, eventually when she figured out what she wants, or when she found that guy that gives her what she wants, she would just have no more interest for you. So don’t put so much effort into it. Anyways, let’s see how you wrap it up.
#1 Sign Your Ex Is Leading You On: When Your Ex-Girlfriend Keeps On Ghosting & Disappearing
Right now we’re going through a silent period where we barely talk. This happened maybe a few weeks after I asked her about getting back together. After that, everything seemed fine, and she didn’t seem turned off or anything like that by my question. But right now she’s low interest again, and I don’t know what I should do now. I can’t break through her defense, and she seems to just keep me at bay. I feel like she will probably reach out to me again soon, but I don’t want to repeat the same cycle. I want to have an actual breakthrough with her. Do you have any idea what I could do now? Thanks, Mike.
If you want to have a breakthrough in that repeated cycle, you’ve gotta break the cycle. Don’t respond to her. If there’s still a slight chance that she’s going to make a move, that she’s going to commit to you, then don’t just respond to her all the time. Pull back, show her that you’re done with this bullshit. You don’t have to say it outright to her, but she needs to see that if she does not get closer to you, you have no interest, because you’ve been putting in the effort, you’ve been showing her the interest, you’ve been signaling her that you want to make this work again. You’re here to work on things, she’s not.
It’s fine if she needs a little bit of time for this to ease into it and feel comfortable around it, but it doesn’t sound like there has been anything going on here, and it seems like she also just pulls back, and I guess right now she’s probably fucking some other guy again, and if she comes back, I guarantee you, it’s because she’s no longer fucking that guy, or again, he doesn’t make her happy. It’s not as great as she thought it would be. Maybe he disappointed her or something like that, and you got to break that cycle. Me personally, I would just completely walk away from this situation, because if you’ve already been trying long enough and it didn’t go anywhere, it’s the same thing like when you would be dating a woman, brand new, on a dating app. Bumble, Tinder, and she flakes on you. Once, fine, twice, maybe, if the excuse is okay, but three times flaking, hell no.
If a woman doesn’t make an effort for you, whether it’s dating or with an ex, after a while you got to just pull away and let it go, then move on to the next woman, because you can’t let yourself get used by women. It’s tough, but we basically teach women that they can’t walk all over us. You got to be dominant, not a doormat, and and right now she basically feels like she can do whatever she wants. I don’t think that this is healthy for you. Can you maybe get her back in the future? Perhaps, but will you be happy with her? I’m not so sure about that, man. So think carefully about that. Personally, I would suggest to you you should probably move on, start dating other women. You can probably find a woman who puts that effort in that you have been putting in. Imagine if you get exactly back what you’ve received. You’ve, so far, received almost nothing. You put in so much. Imagine if you receive all of that back. That will be amazing.
