Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about not getting back with an ex if she hasn’t made any amends. So, oftentimes you have messy breakups and you want your exes back, then it’s fine to get back with an ex if both of you fix your issues. But the problem is, if your ex comes back and she’s screwed up, now, maybe you had both screwed up, but she is not willing to take accountability, to say “Hey, I did this wrong and I clearly stepped out of line here, and there, and there, and there.” If she doesn’t do that. Basically, you’ve got to dump that woman. Look, there’s no point in getting back with an ex who won’t see the error of her ways. My channel is all about personal growth and accepting that you’ve made a mistake. And, to some extent, it’s apologizing to your ex, not directly with an apology letter or something like that, but you get the idea. Basically, if you fucked up, you take accountability for that. You say, “Fuck, I’m so sorry, babe. Why did I do that?” And then you try to move past that. And hopefully, your ex will see that you want to improve and she will take you back.
Or you just learn from it, you grow and you find a new woman. But if your ex doesn’t do that, why would you want to take her back, right? So, I have a message from a guy who’s going through this situation. His ex is, basically, not recognizing that she made some mistakes, just blaming it all on him. And that’s the problem as well when you want your ex back, when you still love her, that often you can’t see things rationally. You see it too subjectively and you think that she’s just not sure. She’s a little bit, not stubborn, but she’s maybe ashamed of acknowledging her mistakes and things like that. But typically, it’s not that she’s too ashamed to not acknowledge that she made a mistake. It’s just that she just does not give a shit. And you don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t give a shit about you. I mean, if I make a mistake, I will apologize. And if my girl makes a mistake, she definitely apologizes. You want to be with a woman like that who says, “Oh, sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that,” or “I’m sorry that I was jealous,” or whatever, or “I’m sorry that I kind of a little bit flirted with this guy.” I don’t know what it is. But if a woman is not sorry for her wrongdoings, you’ve got to dump her. Now, anyways, let’s get into the message.
When You Cheated On Your Ex-Girlfriend: Owning Your Mistakes In The Relationship
Hello, coach. I hope this email finds you well. I’m writing to you because I’m feeling lost and hopeless, and I don’t know what to do. My ex and I had a really rocky relationship that ended badly because we grew apart and fought all the time. The worst part of it was that we both started looking for validation outside of the relationship. I started opening Tinder and sometimes I would swipe in secret, although I wouldn’t really talk to the girls. I was just looking for an ego boost because I wasn’t happy in the relationship.
That’s typically how it goes with cheating, yes. Now, you got to be careful and hold yourself accountable. How far did you really take it or would you have taken it further? It’s easy to say I just did it for an ego boost. Just make sure that you’re honest with yourself. The problem is that typically women are the ones who push it too far. A lot of guys, they might do some small things here or there, but they might not cheat. Many guys are pretty decent and they don’t have that many options as women. It’s kind of harder to hook up and so many guys just don’t even bother. Many guys just want a little bit of attention from another woman. That’s it. The problem with women is that when they feel like they’re going to cheat, they typically go all out. And this is why it’s so painful after breakups because it’s typically women who have had enough of the relationship. They are the ones who dump the guy and then have a new guy pretty quickly. They are the ones who cheat and who have many guys lined up. And if a woman was like that, you got to dump her. And, so, hold yourself accountable. Think about what would you have done if you had more options. Were you really just talking to them for ego boost? If that is true, then it’s obviously not a good thing, but at least you had your limits. So anyways, let’s continue.
Your Ex’s Disrespect: When Your Ex Girlfriend Repeatedly Cheated On You For A Long Time
But in my opinion, what she did was worse. She partied a lot and acted slutty. She began dressing way sexier than she used to. She also often went partying and came back really late at night. This made me feel really uncomfortable and insecure. I know what I did wasn’t okay either. And the only reason why it wasn’t as bad is because she didn’t know about it. For the most part, she actually found out. But for me, this was a one-time thing. But her acting this way was going on for literally months before we eventually broke up. It literally destroyed me. I know we both fucked up with the way we acted. And here’s why I’m messaging you. We ended up breaking up, which was super painful. It was a very messy breakup.
Now, let me just get into the fact that this was going on with her for a long time. So you say it was a one-time thing with you. With her, it was going on for a long time. So you probably just need to learn that it’s a painful lesson, but you got to learn that if a woman does something like this, knowingly, for an extended period of time, she knows exactly what she’s doing. Like, if you’ve done Tindering this once for the first time, maybe just your first time cheating, I suppose you could call it basically cheating, I suppose, even though it’s to a limited degree. You might do it once and then you regret it and you never do it again. But she has been doing this for months, you said, right? So it’s not like she didn’t have an opportunity to stop. She knew exactly how she was hurting you. She knew exactly how she was disrespecting you. But she would do it nevertheless. You felt very uncomfortable with her looking slutty, probably acting slutty while going to parties. She was not a good girlfriend and a reasonable man would just break up with her.
But the problem is you probably didn’t have the experience with this before. And so you stayed in a relationship that you shouldn’t have stayed in. And you should have gone out of this relationship knowing that this woman is not a good woman. And I don’t care if you have problems in a relationship, communication problems or whatever. It’s not an excuse to act this way. So I know it’s really painful. It was really painful to lose her and to break up with her. But ultimately, it was kind of a good thing that she broke up with you or that you guys broke up. I’m not sure who broke up here. You don’t say it here. Anyways, it’s a good thing that you ended the relationship. And a lot of guys, they want their ex back, even though their ex really disrespected them. If you had massive disrespect from a woman and that continuously happened for a long time, you’re a lucky guy. You’re lucky to be free of this woman and finally have time for a great woman. Anyways, let’s continue.
Ex Girlfriend Hookup Phase: When Your Ex Girlfriend Parties & Hooks Up After The Breakup
As much as we both didn’t treat each other right, I think we both didn’t want to do this. We loved each other but had no idea how to have a healthy relationship. I strongly regretted the breakup and wanted her back, but she didn’t want me back. Instead, she just continued partying and I think she was fucking around a lot after the breakup. This is just my assumption, but I’m pretty sure that’s accurate.
It is definitely accurate. It might even be possible that she has already been fucking around when you were in the relationship. If it’s really true that your Tindering was a one-time thing and you didn’t really talk to these girls, you were just looking for an ego boost or not feeling so empty or whatever you want to call this. Meanwhile, she has been probably fucking around while you were in the relationship. While at the very least, she probably made out with some guys. She’s been grinding some guys at the bar, or whatever, at the club. Dude, I mean, she has done much worse stuff than you have done. It doesn’t even compare! Yes, what you’ve done, you should never do in a relationship. But what she did is five times worse. And if she can’t recognize that, then there’s just something fucking wrong with her. I’m sorry, but that’s just how it is.
And that’s why you probably shouldn’t get back with her. And we’re gonna see in a moment that she doesn’t think that there’s something wrong with her. If she would think that there’s something wrong with it, forgiveness is up to you. I can’t tell anybody that you should forgive every situation. Every person is different. And it really depends on the situation, the relationship, the person, the personalities, what your relationship was like. Sometimes forgiving this kind of stuff is okay. Sometimes it’s probably for the best to not forgive it. But it depends on the fact that she actually wants to have forgiveness, seek forgiveness. And we’re gonna see that she does not want to seek forgiveness. So let’s see where this goes.
Handling Female Dumpers With No Remorse: Reflecting On The Breakup & Becoming A Better Man
Meanwhile, I was devastated because I didn’t really want any other girls. Honestly, going on Tinder before was just some sort of desperation move, but I was never truly interested in anyone. After the breakup, I tried to first fix things with my ex but without any success. So I started no contact and instead of chasing her, I started to think about everything that went down because something so painful never happened to me in my entire life. This made me think a lot. I actually took a break from my job for a month as well to go on a retreat. I just needed some time to process everything and figure out where to go from here. I read some books about relationships and also about cheating. I’m not going to say that I’m a completely different man or that I had an epiphany, but I definitely have grown since the breakup.
That’s great! Now, I probably wouldn’t recommend to every guy to go on a 1-month retreat. Most guys probably can’t actually afford to do that money-wise or time-wise, but you did the right thing by just basically taking a bit of a break and focusing on yourself. You can either do that in the sense of working less, trying to stress yourself less. For example, right now, I’m trying to stress myself less because I’ve been stressing myself especially with the move and trying to get work done before moving. And then also now, I’ve stressed myself too much and I’m trying to basically de-stress a little bit. You can also maybe take a little bit of vacation. Now, a short vacation. Let’s say a few days just to find some time for yourself. The bottom line is you need some time to reflect. You’ve done this quite well, which is good because in the beginning, when you have a breakup, you have this heavy trauma basically.
And that trauma essentially gets stored in your body and you want to disrupt that flow of trauma, I guess you could call it. Because the sooner that you do that, the sooner you disrupt that flow of trauma, the faster you can actually heal from that and reinvent yourself. And if you’re just stuck in that trauma and you don’t break that bond, then you basically just go in circles over and over. And the faster you break this or at least have an initial attempt to break it, the easier it will be to get out of this. So you did the right thing here with taking some time and the retreat probably was very helpful for you and you’ve been trying to improve yourself. That is really, really great. And if you put yourself into the shoes of your ex, if this is what you’ve been doing, did a retreat, you read relationship books, you tried to improve yourself, you’re trying to learn from everything because it was so painful. You never want to go through something like this ever again.
Fuck this shit. I’ve had enough. I don’t ever want to be the kind of guy who ended up in this situation. I don’t want to choose the kind of woman that led me here. I don’t want to do the things to the woman in the relationship that led to this. I don’t want the woman to do these kind of things.
And so you’re wanting to be smarter. You ARE smarter. You said you don’t have an epiphany, but I’m sure you’ve learned a lot. But what about her? If she hasn’t done that, that’s one thing. Second, if she can’t recognize that, and can’t appreciate that, then she doesn’t deserve you. That’s just the reality of it. If a woman can’t see how hard you’ve been working, then another woman will appreciate you and should appreciate you because man, dude, men work really hard. We’re… Honestly, a study suggests this, we are not the best. Guys at communication. We’re not the best, guys at relationships. We sometimes are not aware of the problems that our partner, our female partner has with us. When a guy takes the effort to really grow and try to understand how he can become a better partner, that is a big deal. And if a woman can’t appreciate that, she belongs to the streets, basically. So, it’s just something important to recognize that you’ve made a big breakthrough here. Ask yourself, has she done the same? And also, does she appreciate that? Because I don’t think she does. So anyways, let’s continue.
Time To Move On From Your Ex: Knowing When To Let Go And Find A New Girlfriend
So a few weeks ago, my ex messaged me again. It’s been four months since our breakup. We talked a little bit casual a few times. And then at some point, she messaged me again and she was curious about talking about the relationship and we had a short phone call. My ex has acknowledged some of her misbehaviors as wrong, but she basically denied that she was at the very least being overly sexual or close with other guys. I did not accuse her of cheating in the sense of having sex with other men because I don’t know if that really happened.
It’s likely that she was just going out to clubs and sexy dancing with them, flirting with them, etc. And I might just be painting a picture in my head that she might have had sex with someone. She always came home when partying, although late at night. So maybe nothing ever happened. But that’s not the point. At the very least, she clearly went out to flirt with other men. But she didn’t want to admit that. She says she was only partying but never did anything wrong and she accused me of being the one who was wrong for going on Tinder. And I acknowledge that. I own up to my mistakes.
That’s the point. She’s not owning up to her mistakes. Whereas you are. Look, you said it clearly somewhere earlier that she was dressing very sexy. Like, come on, man! What the fuck?! It’s very obvious that she is trying to get attention from men. She probably wanted some validation and she was getting it. You can’t tell me that she dresses up sexy, goes partying, and she does nothing with guys. At the very least, she’s grinding them. At the very least, she’s sexy dancing with them. Look, maybe she really did not make out with any guys. But even if that didn’t happen, it is already bad enough. It is incredibly disrespectful to you as a boyfriend to do this kind of stuff. Imagine if one of her friends sees that. One of your friends. Knowing that you’re in a relationship. And she’s basically acting like she’s single. And she’s showing it to the entire world. That’s just fucking messed up. I know you also went on Tinder. It’s also wrong and she’s right to call you out for that. But it sounds to me that she’s done much worse things.
Dude, if I would be in your situation, I actually have been in a situation like this, sort of, I suppose. Pretty similar, I guess. I mean, yeah, that’s typically how the situations play out. It’s painful. It is. It is just heart-wrenching and you cannot really focus. You worry about what’s going on. And that’s just really terrifying because you worry, “What the fuck is she doing behind my back?” But I guess you didn’t have the guts to call her out on it back then. This must have been really heavy on your psyche. So those are not the same kind of crimes, I guess you could say. Relationship crimes. She clearly did more wrong here. You acknowledge exactly what you did. She, well, if she really didn’t do anything wrong here, okay, fine. Then, you can’t do anything about it. But what are the odds? I just don’t buy it. Look, it’s up to you if you want to believe her. I don’t know the entire situation. I don’t know everything that happened. So I’m just looking at it on a surface level. I could be wrong about this. I could definitely be wrong about this. Maybe she really did not do anything.
But if it’s a long-running pattern, this was not just like a one-time thing. It was a month, like at least several months or at least a month. You can’t tell me that she dresses up sexy at clubs for like a month plus or longer. And nothing happened ever. Bullshit. I just don’t buy it. But again, it’s up to you to analyze everything that happened and ask yourself, honestly, what really happened there? Do you want to believe her? And it’s okay to not believe her. Look, you might be wrong with that call. You might just make assumptions and actually nothing happened. But it is okay to tell yourself, no, she probably fucked some guy or no, she probably made out with some guy or no, she danced really sexy with some guys. She did inappropriate stuff. Look, the trust was already broken the time that she she dresses up sexy and goes to the parties. So you’re not to blame to not believe her for what she’s saying, what actually happened. Because she already basically threw all the credibility out of the window when she did that. And so, yeah, you’re right for not believing her this. So anyways, let’s continue.
Say No To No Accountability: Not Getting Back With An Ex Who Won’t Take Accountability
Now I’m not sure what to think. I still love her. I want us to work things out. And I’m thinking that she may feel ashamed of what she did. And she might be afraid to admit it. I don’t know what I should do now. I feel like I’m stuck in this limbo where I’m not sure if she’s going to change or if things are going to go back to the way they were. I’ve been working on myself and trying to improve, but I’m not sure if she has done the same. I don’t know what’s holding her back. She clearly cares about me. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have reached out to me. But if she can’t admit what she did, how could we ever date again and leave this behind us? Is there any way to make her open up talking about this honestly? Is it shame that’s holding her back? I hope you’ll answer my message. Thanks a lot, John.
No, I can tell you what it is. Yes, it’s kind of shame, I guess in a sense. She knows that what she did was incredibly wrong. And I can guarantee you she probably met some guys there. At the very, very least, she got some numbers. And when she broke up, she was like, “Yay, now I found these great guys that I can date!” And she probably hooked up with some of them. And maybe she already hooked up with some of those guys when you were still in the relationship. And she knows that was not right. Number one. Plus, these guys, they’re probably just fuck buddies. They probably just wanted sex. And she thought that was great back then when she wasn’t happy with you. Now you’re gone. You’ve been fixing yourself. You seem happy because you addressed some of your issues or you’re working on it. You’re not chasing her, I assume, for the most part, I guess, because you’re just focused on yourself and she’s recognizing, “Damn! Basically, I’m the loser here! He’s gonna find someone else! Me? I just basically hooked up with some guys who don’t give two fucks about me. I’m the one who is in the weaker position here.“
I don’t think you should take her back, quite frankly. I just don’t think that she’s ever gonna acknowledge that. I could be wrong about that. If she acknowledges what she did wrong, tell her that you have concerns. You can honestly, transparently tell her, just tell her how you feel. That you feel like there must have been more going on. And you want her to tell you that. And look, then there’s only two ways how this is gonna go. Well, maybe three. She acknowledges it. She recognizes that either this is it, she now says what really happened or it’s done, or she will never acknowledge it because, she’s just a liar, essentially. Or number three, she never acknowledges it because nothing really happened. Look, the third scenario sucks if nothing really happened and she never really 100% cheated. It sucks, but you gotta make that call. It’s better to have the clarity and hopefully get her to open up about this because she knows there’s a consequence here. Either she opens up about it now or it’s done. Or you will never have clarity, but at least you know that this will never happen again.
Because if you don’t get clarity from her, you don’t know if it really happened or it never really happened, but you decide to just move forward. At the very least, you can move forward with peace. You can say, “Okay, I don’t know what happened here, but I’m just gonna find another woman.” I would not take her back. You can communicate, like I said: “I wish you would maybe open up about this to me. It’s okay if you tell me that you made out with some guy or something like this. All I care is that we’re honest with each other and then we can see if we can work it out.” I assume she made out with some guys at the very least. And if she’s not willing to accept that or willing to acknowledge that, it’s a red flag to me. I would just not date this woman even if she didn’t do anything horribly wrong. As I said, she disrespected you, made you look really, really bad. I mean, dude, just imagine. I’m sure a lot of guys have never gone through this, but that feeling of waiting for your woman and wondering where the fuck she is, it is just an awful feeling.
And once you’ve learned your lesson, typically you will realize: “Okay, I should probably just dump her and break up with her and say, this is it. This is not a good woman for me.” That’s probably, in my opinion, what you should do because I don’t think she’s making any amends here. I don’t think that she thinks that she’s done too much wrong. She’s just deflecting and basically saying, “No, it was you who did everything wrong. Look, you went on Tinder. Here’s the proof that you’re a piece of shit!” She’s basically trying to, hide the things that she’s done by saying, ah, there’s evidence here! Tinder. You’re the one who was wrong. You’re the one who caused all of this. It’s all your fault. But she had a part in this as well. You both fucked up, even if she, in quotes, fucked up the same way, the same amount that you did. She didn’t fuck someone. She didn’t kiss someone, but she just went to the clubs. Still, you both played a part in it. And if she can’t take accountability for her part, it’s very obvious, man. She was dressing sexy and going to clubs. At the very least, she should acknowledge that, but she can’t even do that. No, man, just move on, find another woman, and you will definitely find a much better woman.
I think in general, the situation is not great. You can find a woman who will make you happy where this will never happen again. I think you’ve learned your lesson also about Tinder and not seeking validation outside of the relationship from other women or swiping, whatever you want to call it. And I assume you will never do this again. So you’re a better guy now. You are probably a better judge of character. And any woman that you meet in the future, you can tell if she would do something like this again. You will pay more attention to the way that she expresses herself. If she lies. If she hides something. If she’s authentic. And when you can tell that she’s not authentic, you won’t even date her. So that means that you’re going to meet up with a woman that is much better, much better, relationship-quality wife material. Where you can trust her for the rest of your life. So my take on this is just move forward, find another woman, or stay single or hook up. But basically, I don’t think that this woman is it. So that’s my advice to you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up. Subscribe to the channel. And never forget to unleash the king within.
