Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In today’s video, we’re going to talk about the window of opportunity to get an ex back. Is there actually something such a window of opportunity? Is it 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, I’m sure you’ve heard that. 60 days no contact rule, 90 days no contact rule. Is it too late after 60, what about six months to get her back? Or is it one year? Or does it actually even matter? So I got a message from a guy who was worried about this. He’s been doing no contact, I think it was six weeks, I believe. And he’s really worried about whether is it too late, when is it too late? Should he make a move? Should he do something? The ironic part is that he’s actually been focusing on himself after the breakup because he kinda, I guess, sort of fucked up, I suppose, not so much, but his ex just wasn’t happy with him. He essentially fixed that part of himself, so he upgraded himself, but he’s still too much focused on his ex and that window of opportunity. That’s the wrong way to approach no contact, and we’re gonna get into this in a moment, so let’s see what is my advice on what he has to say.
Fixing What Caused The Breakup: The Power Of Self-Improvement In Winning Back Your Ex
Hello, coach, I’ve been going through some breakup hardships lately, and I could really use your advice. I had a breakup with my ex-girlfriend recently, and I’ve been trying to use the no contact rule to make her interested in me again. We were a couple for almost two years. We broke up when it came to the surface that my ex was frustrated with me for not wanting to find a better job and not proposing to her. My ex is 28, and I think maybe her biological clock started ticking. I’m not sure what that was about. We never really had much issues in terms of arguments, but in the last few months before the breakup, I noticed my ex becoming more distant towards me and sometimes would even get agitated when I was near her or cuddling with her. When we broke up, she actually complained to me that I had a really demanding job which didn’t pay much.
Basically, I was working really long hours, much longer than her, but I got paid the same amount of money. Well, 10% more than her, but basically, I got paid much less per hour and my lack of financial stability coupled with long work hours really frustrated her. When we broke up, she said that she doesn’t hate me or anything like that, or that she doesn’t want to leave me because of money, and that she said that it’s not the issue. She said the real issue was that I knew that my job was an issue that got in the way of the relationship, but I wasn’t trying to find a solution for it. She’s right about that, I guess. I now have another job. It’s not really a better job, but I work less and I earn the same amount of money. I feel pretty foolish for not finding another job. It wasn’t actually that hard. Only after the breakup did I make a change in my life, and I know that’s kind of a shit mindset. I know if my ex now finds out about that, she’ll think that as soon as I left her, I did what she wanted from me. Now, anyway, that’s roughly how the breakup happened, but not my main concern. I suppose I can’t change anything about this right now.
So basically you weren’t a provider, you weren’t masculine enough, you couldn’t give her what she wanted. She says it’s not about the money. Yes, to some extent that’s probably true because you’re not working hard enough. You are basically working way more than her, but earning less than her, that was not very attractive. She probably felt that you were not balls enough to actually find a better job. And like you said, after the breakup, you actually managed to find the courage to look for a better job and it wasn’t even that hard. So that should tell you a little bit about your relationship with her. You were not willing to make that small change that apparently wasn’t so hard for her. So do you actually wanna get back with her or why were you so complacent? Clearly, that’s probably more the thing that really pissed her off. I don’t think that when she now sees, oh, you actually upgraded yourself, you leveled up, you fixed that. I don’t think that she will be upset about this.
Yes, it’s kind of unfortunate. It sucks that you did this only after the breakup, but ultimately that’s a good sign and she’ll be happy about this in the long term. If she finds out, who knows? But it’s not a bad thing that you upgraded yourself and that you took swift action. That’s actually pretty good. I also, by the way, don’t think in general that this is a shit mindset. Anybody who’s been fucking up, in general, if you make a mistake with a woman or in life in general, you learn from this and then say, “Hey, I had enough of this and I’m gonna make a change.” That’s not shitty, that’s actually quite impressive. So she’s going to see the same thing. She’s going to recognize that you’re more impressive, that you woke up.
Yes, it’s kind of tough that you did it only after you, basically, had to learn a tough lesson, but she can see that you actually woke up, you recognized this was an issue. Now, maybe she could have brought this up sooner, perhaps. I don’t know how she brought it up and how all of this went. You gotta ask yourself, do you wanna get back with her if she didn’t bring it up and she just dumped you out of nowhere? But ultimately, you fixed yourself and she will respect that. So you’re now a man worthy of respect. So kudos to you, that’s pretty good. Keep working on yourself. But now let’s see where it goes. We’re gonna see a bit of a problem with your mindset.
No-Contact Rule and Timing: Understanding The Window Of Opportunity To Rekindle Your Relationship
The actual problem is that I’m not sure about how to do no contact or how long I guess. I’m not sure how long to wait before reaching out to her and/or when it is time to have heard from her. Is there a specific timeframe that works best? I’ve heard anywhere from 30 to 90 days, but I’m not sure if that’s a sweet spot when it comes to getting her back. I don’t want to wait too long and risk her losing feelings for me or moving on, but I also don’t want to come on too strong and push her away because I already did that when we broke up.
Well, so no contact means really no contact. And that means you never stop it. And you never reach out to your ex. It’s always her who reaches out to you. And regarding the sweet spot, 60 days, 90 days, 30 days, I actually have a video about this about the Fading Affect Bias. So you can search for that where I go through the negative effects of relationships and how quickly an ex will forget about this. The sweet spot is maybe one or two or three months, but essentially your ex will over time more and more forgive you for the negative stuff. Now the thing is at some point, yes, an ex will move on, but if you haven’t done really anything bad and you actually improved yourself, she will probably always think about you fondly because there’s no reason to look back on the relationship and say, “Oh, this was a really bad relationship. This guy was a shitty guy.” And no, actually you’re proving her wrong right now that you are a great guy.
So the window of opportunity is kind of relative here. She’s maybe at some point going to move on, but is she going to lose the feelings for you? Probably never 100% because you weren’t a bad boyfriend, you just weren’t in the right spot, you didn’t do things right, you didn’t give her everything that she needed, but you weren’t a piss-poor boyfriend, quite frankly. And so now you actually improved yourself, so she’s going to be able to see this and then she’s going to think about her feelings for you and she will really respect you. Anyway, let’s continue. You are spot on about not wanting to push and you should never reach out to her.
Overthinking During No Contact: Will My Ex Lose Feelings For Me During No Contact?
Another thing that’s been on my mind is whether or not she still has feelings for me. I know she was disappointed/frustrated when we broke up, but I don’t know if she’s moved on or if she still thinks about me. I don’t want to wait too long and find out that she no longer reciprocates my feelings. I want to make sure that I don’t miss my window of opportunity with her to make her want me again. It seems that it makes the most sense to be attracted when she still has strong feelings for me, so I assume that getting an ex back will be most effective within the first six months of a breakup and then she’ll probably gradually lose feelings for you. Am I correct with that assumption?
Sure, you’re slightly correct with that assumption, but like I said, for feelings to really fade that strongly, that could literally take years. Six months is not even close. Probably even after two years, she will still have relatively strong feelings for you. They clearly won’t be as strong as they were when you were still together, but she still appreciates you. So the biggest problem that a lot of guys have with no contact is that they always think about this. They think about the clock that is ticking and they have to make a move first or fast. And so they don’t focus on themselves. You should just be focused on yourself. Don’t focus on whether or not she’s moving on or if she’s losing feelings.
Look, if she doesn’t move on, if she loses feelings, that just shows you that she was not the right woman for you. The right woman is going to miss you. She will slowly over time forget the negative stuff and then she probably won’t reach out to you for a while because she will be insecure or shy. She won’t really know what to do, but then eventually she will realize unless she reaches out to you, she will not hear from you and then she will get over her insecurities, her fears, her ego, whatever’s holding her back and she will show you that she cares about you. And so if a woman does not do that, you lost nothing. You only got clarity. This woman didn’t love you enough and you will find a woman who loves you much more. So that’s basically how you gotta look at it and so, yes, she’s gonna lose a little bit of feelings over time, but if she truly loves you, it won’t matter because she will reach out to you before she just loses enough of her feelings. All right, so let’s continue.
Dealing With The Challenges Of No Contact: Going No Contact For A Long Time
I’m struggling with the thought of going no contact for such a long time. I have now been doing no contact for seven weeks and it’s been very hard for me to keep this up. It’s probably an understatement to say that I’m not having the best mental health right now. Honestly, no contact really gives me anxiety. There are some days where I’m okay, but most of the days, I think way too much about my ex-girlfriend and what she’s thinking. I can’t help but count the days and think that every day longer that passes, the harder it will be for us to get back together. Getting the new job actually helped a little bit because at least I’m not as busy as before, so less future problems, but that’s a blessing and a curse at the same time. I now have more time on my hand and I struggle with it because I still think a lot about her. No contact gets really hard when you don’t know how to occupy yourself properly.
I feel like I probably should find something to pursue right now, like further upgrading my career, but I’m also worried that, like I said, I might miss my window of opportunity if I don’t get back with my ex in a certain timeframe. I already leveled up my job, so it’s not like I have to get an even better job. I suppose, now trying to completely shift into a new field would be really interesting to try, but maybe it’s not the right time now if that makes her lose interest in me in case of not hearing from me for a long time. I was hoping you could advise me, especially on the window of opportunity question, do I have to hurry if I want the best results? I know that I have a better situation now with my job and that probably would be something she’s happy with, although maybe at first it could piss her off, but I think overall it’s a good thing. So I should use my momentum that I have soon to somehow make her see that things are different now, right? Thanks a lot for your thoughts, Glenn.
Well, that’s a bad assumption that guys always make. They think that, okay, in the beginning, she has the most feelings, but that’s when it’s easiest to get her back, but typically in the first one, two, three months timeframe, it’s actually the hardest to get her back because she wants nothing to do with you. So you shouldn’t be worried about the window of opportunity or taking too much time. Dude, if you wanna work on your career and actually find a better career, find something new, something that pays better or that’s more fulfilling, more creative, more fun, whatever you care about, that’s exactly what you should be doing because there’s no rush right now. It’s been seven weeks, so it’s not even two months. And basically, she’s hardly reaching that point where she might be thinking a lot about you and thinking about reaching out. So it’s not a big deal. And like I said, you shouldn’t be reaching out to her anyway.
So the only thing you can do is actually change your mindset because you’re basically too focused on getting her back and you’re probably not prepared for the scenario when she never comes back. What if she never comes back? What are you gonna do then? Are you gonna be disappointed? Are you gonna be depressed? Are you gonna be sad? Are you gonna be lonely? If that happens, you’re gonna be really messed up again. You need to recognize that there’s never a guarantee to get an ex back. Yes, often they come back. And typically, especially if you keep working on yourself, if you’ve worked on yourself like you’ve done so far and you keep on doing that, they typically always come back. And then it is up to you to make this work. But if you focus so firmly, so strictly on getting her back and you tell yourself, oh, it’s been 60 days, it’s been four months, it’s been six months, when is she ever going to come back? You’re going to be so obsessed with her that she will never be attracted to you. Even if she comes back, even if she thinks that you’re attractive because she hasn’t heard from you, maybe she also heard a little bit about what you’ve been up to, she’s really attracted to you. But then when she talks to you, she can feel, hmm, something is actually still off with you and she will run away again.
Shifting Your No Contact Rule Mindset: Focusing On Personal Growth And Chasing Goals
That’s not the kind of guy that you want to be. You want to be the guy who’s just happy with himself. And when he hears from his ex girlfriend, he’s excited, he’s happy to make it work again. He invites her out on a date, but if things don’t work out the way that he would hope they work out, then he’s good as well. And he will find another woman. Or some of you also already found a woman. I think the last video that I recorded before that already had this going, I had a few videos like this recently. So that’s the kind of mindset that you need to have. A window of opportunity does not really exist. Maybe after two-ish years, your ex will slowly really lose her feelings, but it’s going to take much longer than that to completely forget you. It’s probably going to take three, four-ish years.
At that point, she will likely not reach out to you anymore. Unless she’s really fucked up, she’s really not satisfied, all her exes are exhausted. But this is the kind of scenario where you don’t want her back anymore because you’re pretty much Plan X or something. If you’re like the last possible choice, you never want to be the last possible choice for an ex. You want to be, like probably the second choice after she hooked up a little bit with some other guy after a breakup and she recognized, okay, actually you were better and then she comes back. So that’s my advice for you. Don’t focus too much on your ex and stop thinking about that timeframe. If you’re worried about can I still get her back after one year? Can I still get her back after two years? Can I still get her back after three or four years? Then your mindset is completely off because you’re projecting so much about her into the future without thinking about yourself.
Think about what about your life in two years in the future, three years in the future, four years in the future. What does your life look like independent of her, without her? For example, think about it: If you have a much better career, make more money, maybe less stressful, look back at your last relationship, it wasn’t good for you. So, you know, just remove your ex from that equation for a moment. Think about you dating any woman. It could be your ex or another woman and you’re now leveled up, you fixed your career. How much better will your life be in four years from now if you don’t focus on your ex? If you don’t focus on how long it’s been since you’ve heard from her, but instead you focus on putting all that effort, all that energy, all that overthinking into becoming a kick-ass man, rising like the phoenix from the ashes. That will be attractive. That way you will find the best outcome possible.
So focus on that. Stop forgetting about the time, forget about trying to do 30-60-90 days no contact. Forget all of these shitty rules that some person at some point thought of who basically sells courses. Yes, I know I’m selling a course as well, but I’m trying to give you some reality with my course. Everything that I do in my course is not some bullshit nonsense shit. I can tell you, I read many studies about breakups, a ton of studies about breakups. I read all of them, yes, like, well, maybe not all of them, but many of them. And there is no evidence that you need to have a very specific window of opportunity like 90 days. Yes, obviously feelings fade over time, but it’s a long timeframe, and by that time it shouldn’t matter to you. All right, so that’s my advice to you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.
