Always dating toxic women! Moving on from an ex that hurts you and date amazing women

Dec 12, 2021 | Breakup Advice & Get Your Ex Back, Toxic Relationships

Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

Today we’re gonna talk about dating the wrong kind of woman. So if you’ve ever dated a woman who hasn’t made you happy… Let’s say she has been a liar, a cheater, maybe she always got jealous, or perhaps she’s always complaining. Take a pick. There are so many things that could be wrong with a woman and the harsh truth is that if that has been you, the only person who’s ever going to save you from that is yourself. Because the thing is, if you always choose to date women like this, you’re always going to end up in hell’s kitchen all over again. And no matter what you think you’re going to do, like trying to resolve the situation, it will never resolve itself. So I have a situation from a guy who dated two women that just weren’t good for him. He needs to change his approach of what kind of women he dates. So let’s get right into his message.

So he says: “Hi I am a 37-year-old male who has no problem meeting and getting women. The problem is I’ve only had two women in my life that I felt that I really connected with. The others were fun but I wasn’t connected to them as I was with these two women. The first woman I was with was for three years, when I was 17 years old. I was young and my parents were having marital problems. I was basically living on the street and going to college in New York City. I was mad at the world and didn’t give a fuck about anything. She was the first woman I met in college and even though I was a complete asshole she became my girlfriend and I fell in ‘love’ with her. As the relationship progressed, I stopped being the asshole and she cheated on me. I took her back and she eventually left me to marry the man she cheated on me with.


I was devastated and it took me over four years to get over that situation.

Now, I want you to think about this obviously she hurt you a lot but why would a woman like that want someone like you? You said it very clearly that you were an asshole back then and I can very clearly see that you’ve had a lot of problems, obviously back then. You were quite young, and the marital problems, and if you’ve been living basically on the streets, that must have been super tough. So what does that tell me? You have been having a lot of trauma from the past. It was really tough back then and most likely, this woman also had trauma. So one very common theory among attachment theorists is that one of the reasons why we actually date each other is because we’re trying to heal each other’s traumas. So attachment theory is that when people are very insecure, either they are very anxious and always are clingy, or they’re very avoidant, they’re always pushing people away.

We call that insecure attachment styles. And these insecure attachment styles, they typically come from the fact that we had some kind of trauma. Clearly, you had some trauma. I’m thinking she also had trauma and the theory is that basically people who have trauma, they date other people to try and heal their trauma. So clearly, she should have known that kind of, you are not the right choice for her back then, because you say yourself you were an asshole. So you were kind of a tyrant back then. So that should have been a red flag, but obviously, you were kind of young and you didn’t know what you were doing. And one thing that I also want to point out here is you say that she was the first woman that you ever met in college. So basically, you didn’t really choose. You didn’t look at who were your options.

You basically just dated the first woman that you met. That is not a good way to go. So you have to be more picky about who you date. Now, the good thing though is, like you say, you stopped being an asshole, so clearly, this woman brought some of the good qualities out of you. So whatever it is. You were a tyrant, kind of. Maybe you were a very beta male asshole. Very assertive, you treated her not nicely, but it’s not like you did it out of confidence. You did it out of anger, or just how you were brought up. And clearly, this woman brought something good out of you. So now you’re probably a more healthy alpha and this is ultimately the kind of man that women want. So what you should do is you should take this lesson from this woman and find better women. Obviously, it must be really painful because she cheated on you. So let’s see where this goes now.

So he says: “Since then, I’ve been with quite a few women, but at least two times, when I’ve been completely single, no prospects, I have reached out to that ex from 20 years ago. Once was a week ago and I’m ashamed because I know things will never go anywhere but somewhere in my heart I just can’t let her go completely.

Yeah, so the reason why you can’t let it go completely is because there was no resolution. Obviously, she cheated on you and you didn’t want that. Then, eventually, she also ditched you for another man, right. So you clearly didn’t want that to happen. So we always try to seek resolution or closure. And when there’s no closure with someone who’s especially toxic, that is extremely painful, and we then try to find that reconciliation over and over. And so you have to accept that with a woman like this most likely you will never get that reconciliation that you want. You probably hope that okay, she’s going to come back. She will learn from her lessons and she’s going to change her behavior. But if she doesn’t do that, you can’t do anything about that.

The only time in a scenario like this with a woman where she was lying, cheating, and so on, where you can reconcile it, is if she is the one who comes back. She recognizes she made the mistakes and she tries to rectify them. But if it is you who is seeking out to reconcile and she hasn’t learned her lesson, it’s never gonna work out. So what would be my advice for you, is you have to stop trying to seek reconciliation or closure. It’s probably never gonna happen. I know you kind of miss this woman because you’ve been together for was it four years? Or three years? So it’s really painful and you clearly had some good moments with her because otherwise, she wouldn’t have brought some good qualities out of you. But I don’t think that she has learned her lesson because she never got back to you. She cheated on you, then she found someone else, and we’re gonna get into this, it gets worse.

So he then says: “My ex who left me for another man eventually got divorced and had to pay alimony for him. Fucking karma fighting my battles! This brings me to the second woman. Strangely enough, they know each other. My ex’s ex-boyfriend left her to date the more recent woman. Anywho, I met the more recent woman last year on a group trip to the Poconos. She had a boyfriend at that time but I knew they weren’t going to last.

So let me just dissect this. There’s a lot going on here. So you’re kind of happy about okay, she’s kind of getting her karma. So this woman, she cheated on him. Then they got back together, then she broke up again because cheated on him with some guy. She then married that guy. That guy then dumped her. Then, now if I’m getting this right, this guy that she now dates, then again, a new boyfriend dumps her as well, and this new boyfriend then turns out to be the new boyfriend of the other girl. And it turns out that they both know each other! What are the odds? The odds are pretty high that these girls are both quite toxic. Clearly, they have patterns of attracting the wrong kind of men. I mean the guy, with whom your ex cheated on you, and then she married that guy, and then he dumped her again…

He knew what he was getting into! He was toxic himself. It’s like they’re passing on the toxic partners and it’s like a circle of friends of toxic people who just dates shitty people over and over. So clearly, it’s a red flag and you should kind of see: What are the odds that these people all know each other? It’s not a good sign! So the fact that you’re into this new woman that you’re talking about now, it’s not a good thing.

So he then says: “When I realized they weren’t together, I shot my shot and we started dating. We connected as I did with the woman from 20 years ago and I fell for her. She told me she wanted something serious but wasn’t ready for a relationship at the moment, which I was okay with but then she proceeded to call and facetime me daily for hours on end.

So mixed signals… I could imagine that maybe like I said, like the first ex of yours, perhaps she also has an insecure attachment style. But this time it is an avoidant attachment style. So kind of pushing away. It could also be that she’s just not ready, obviously, because she just broke up with someone but you know, she’s sending mixed messages here. So who knows. So the one thing that I would like to mention here though, is also very important. We are always getting the reflection of who we are. So you’re going to get the friends who are a reflection of yourself. You are going to get a career that is a reflection of yourself.

You are going to get the lovers and the girlfriends who are a reflection of yourself, and vice versa for women, it’s the same way. So a woman is going to get exactly who she is back from the man that she’s dating. So this new woman that you’re into now, she is dating the ex from the previous ex, who sucked. So probably, the ex-boyfriend or the new boyfriend of that woman sucks, and she probably also sucks because I mean, like attracts like. There must be probably something that is wrong with that woman because it’s just a pattern. What are the odds that all of these toxic people know each other and then they pass each other around? It doesn’t seem very likely that she doesn’t also have some issues.

So anyway, he then says: “We go on our first date, which ends in sex, but I ended up having an erectile dysfunction problem, which I was unaware of, that manifested itself for the first time that night. I go to the doctor and he assures me that everything is fine and that it must have been stress. We continue spending a lot of time together but dread is building in my heart.

So what are the odds that you’re having an erectile dysfunction exactly with that woman? Like your doctor said it probably was stress. It’s a very common thing when you’re over thinking, when you’re stressed, when you’re not feeling it, when you’re thinking there’s too much pressure. You’re gonna screw up. You come too fast or in your case, it was an erectile dysfunction. So I think your body was subconsciously already telling you that this is not the right thing to go for. You probably knew subconsciously this woman is not good for me, but you still went for it. I think your body is really trying to tell you something.

Your body is probably telling you “I don’t know man, I have a bad feeling about this woman. Maybe we shouldn’t have sex with her!” … Most likely. What I would suggest to you is actually hook up with some other women and see if it happens again. And I assume it probably won’t happen again. There must be something that triggered it to happen and I assume it is your subconscious realization that this woman is probably also toxic and going to hurt you.

So he then says: “Now, having some relationship experience, I look at actions and not words, but I am still weary of the situation. Before we can run back to the botched sex session, she gets sick and needs oral surgery. She calls me, I drop everything and go to her aid. It was quarantine, early February 2021. I had the time and I liked this woman. I got her from the oral surgeon and spent a week nursing her back to health.

So I want to give you a compliment. Like you said, in the beginning, you were kind of an asshole back then. So clearly, I think you’ve become a little bit more nurturing. So that kind of shows me that you’ve embraced a little bit more of your feminine side. So it really seems that you’ve become healthier as a person. That’s a good thing! So it’s a good thing that you’ve took care of her. I think that’s a good sign that you’re learning and that you’re growing as a man and that means that you have a lot of potential for dating a really great woman.

So anyway, he then says: “After that week she gets a yeast infection which delays our ability to have sex. Then she gets her period the following week. While all this is happening her birthday is coming up and I’m planning her birthday because her boyfriend did absolutely nothing for her birthday in 2020.

And again, there’s like a pattern. She’s dating an asshole just like you used to be an asshole in the past. What are the odds? Like I said, trauma attracts trauma.

So he says: “While she was sick she gave me the password to her phone and due to conversations we had I peeked and saw that her side dude from her previous relationship has contacted her and she has resumed talking to him even though she told me that he only wants her when he wants her and then when she broke up with her boyfriend she tried to get with him and he rejected her. Long story short: I found out she fucked him on Tuesday before the five days of activities that I had planned for her birthday on March 30 and tried to hide it, even though we had agreed to tell each other if we fucked someone else so.

First of all, I think you probably know that it wasn’t the right thing to peek. It’s all about unleashing the king within and a king wouldn’t be doing something like this because it clearly betrays trust. Now, obviously, you were right in your assumption because she’s a piece of shit and she lied to you, so that’s why I kind of give you a pass here but like I said, your body probably is telling you already subconsciously that this woman is not right for you and that is probably why you’ve peeked because you already know that this woman is not right for you. And she’s proven you’re right that she’s not right for you. So again, you’re choosing to date a woman who’s not good for you.

So he then says: “I canceled everything. I did my own thing that weekend but still texted her to wish her happy birthday since my close friend encouraged me to still be civil to her but after that, good sense prevailed and I went no contact.

Yeah, I wouldn’t have listened to that boyfriend… I mean to that friend of yours. There’s no need to tell her happy birthday because she clearly betrayed your trust. She wasn’t honest with you. She kind of lied to you and she was playing you. And she was fucking around with other guys. I don’t know, you probably weren’t exclusive yet, so she didn’t owe you to not have sex with that guy, but she should have clearly told you about it at least afterwards. So I think your friend was kind of off here, and that’s why we should not always listen to our friend’s advice.

So he then says: “I messed around with a few women over the summer and even had a girlfriend even though that ended within a few months, but she was still on my mind. I waited till my birthday and when she didn’t reciprocate a happy birthday, I texted a neutral friend some friendship-ending info about her. Then I texted her that we are even.

So he was basically trying to get back at her and trying to say something mean. So you basically told your friend, I’m assuming, something like “Hey, by the way, this woman, she cheated on me, or she lied, she’s a liar,” or something like that. Trying to get back at her. I don’t think this is the best approach but we’re going to get into this in a moment.

So he says: “I know all this is toxic but I have to come to terms that I need to get back at someone who I feel wronged me. If not, it’s going to eat at my soul. I let it slide with the first woman and I regret that to this day and I honestly entered the situation with the second woman in good faith. I really don’t want to spend another two to three years thinking about this woman. I doubt we will ever be back together but I really need your help with getting over this.

So the damage is already done. I do not think that in this case, it would help you to get back at her. The reason why I think it won’t help you is because you have a pattern. You have a repetitive pattern of kind of ignoring the red flags. So what that tells me is it’s kind of a bit of projection. You kind of project your own mistakes, your own false choices away and blaming it on her. Now, clearly that woman, she’s a piece of shit. She lied to you. Clearly, the first woman that you dated who cheated on you and all of that complicated stuff with the guy who cheated on you, you know, who she married and so on, all of that stuff is super fucked up, no doubt about it! But the thing is: It keeps happening.

So imagine if you are always going to fuck the most promiscuous woman in town. Well, what are you going to expect? She’s going to cheat on you eventually. I don’t think that you started dating either of these two women thinking that they’re the most promiscuous women in town, but clearly, there was something off, at least with the second woman. You probably should have been able to tell. With the first woman, you probably were just naive. You had a lot of trauma. You were not really in a good place. So it’s kind of understandable that you didn’t pick the right woman, but like I said, it’s your trauma that’s coming up over and over and I think you’re projecting away from it. I think you’re trying to not take accountability for choosing these women.

It’s not your fault that they cheated on you, obviously that, they did these shitty behaviors. But it is your fault that you chose them and that you choose them over and over. So I think it is time for you to do some self-reflection and we’re going to get into this.

He wraps it up by saying: “I don’t want history to repeat itself and I also don’t want to continue being the guy who falls for people who leave him for others. Please help, any insight would be greatly appreciated. There are a lot more intricate parts of to the story but I don’t want to write a book. Any help would be greatly appreciated and I hope this makes it to a video. Thank you in advance for your time.

So I think it’s time to reflect on what actually attracted you to these kind of women. Because like I said, it’s a pattern. It happened twice now.

The two women that you felt closest to, they are probably the most shitty women that you ever dated, I’m assuming. Now, the other relationships, or flings, or whatever, they didn’t feel that close to you, but you know, that should tell you something that the shitty women feel more important to you than the women that probably weren’t, at least, bad. There was maybe nothing exciting about them but they weren’t bad either. I’m assuming. So why are you giving so much attention and so much weight with your emotions to these shitty women? So some things that I wrote down about some things that you should reflect on is, you know, what are the common threads with these women?

Were they very anxious, or were they very avoidant? So basically, were they insecure, very clingy? Or maybe she was avoiding, so she was always seeking her own autonomy and she could never really commit to the relationship? That could be one thing. Or were they always complaining a lot or maybe they rarely expressed how they feel? So did they have communication issues? Or were they extremely easy to get into bed or were they extremely reserved? So were they extremely conservative? Was she very promiscuous? Were they both very promiscuous or were they actually kind of like playing a game, or very hard to get into bed? So maybe also kind of insecure? Were they perhaps showing you signs of promiscuity or lying very early on but you chose to ignore them?

Because the thing is, probably the patterns that you see in these women that you’ve dated, they’re probably patterns that happened in your own life. So I’m going to make a wild assumption now. This could be completely wrong actually, but you said it yourself that your parents had marital problems when you were 17 and I guess they had probably a divorce and maybe there was infidelity involved there as well. Maybe they broke up because maybe your dad cheated, or maybe your mom cheated. I don’t know. And so maybe this is something that you are projecting and reflecting into your future relationships and because it happened with your parents that could be one of the reasons why you’re ignoring it with the women that you’re dating. And quite frankly, it could be why you’re seeking out these women because like I said: Attachment theory, the theory of how we choose our partners…

Maybe you’re choosing these women exactly because of that reason. Like I said, this is just an assumption. I have no idea if that actually happened with your parents but there’s probably a chance that you’re seeking out some patterns from your parents with the women that you’re dating. So if I look at all of this I think my suggestion for you would actually be to date some more boring women. Now that doesn’t sound that great and I always talk about unleashing the king within and I have like videos about hypergamy, and how to date really attractive women, all that stuff. But sometimes it’s a good time to just pause and take it slower with women and sometimes you just have to slow it down and say wait maybe I’m not choosing the right woman. Because one of the problems is you say it yourself:

You can have a lot of women and choice paralysis is kind of difficult. The more choices we have with women, the easier it actually gets to make mistakes and choose the wrong woman. So it is incredibly easy to not date a woman or choose a woman who is kind of boring, who doesn’t feel so exciting because perhaps you’re thinking that there’s something missing with these other women. But if there’s one thing that I have learned for myself as I leveled up my game with women… Actually, the hottest woman, or the most exciting woman, they’re not the best women out there. Honestly, I would rather date a woman who’s not that hot but she’s not that crazy, she doesn’t cause that many problems, not that much drama, she’s not gonna cheat on me, she’s not gonna lie, she’s not gonna withhold information from me.

And the reality is if you have that many choices, sometimes we think too much with our dicks and we think too much with our trauma, with our heart, and we’re not thinking so much with our brains. I think you should try to date some other women who very clearly do not follow the patterns of these two women that you’ve dated in the past. I can’t tell what was the exact clear pattern that they had early on that you can dissect and figure out. Like I said: Maybe you could already tell that they were saying some things that kind of felt off, that didn’t make sense, that weren’t congruent. Or maybe you could already tell that they were very promiscuous. Or maybe you could already tell that they were very toxic in how they communicated. Some patterns.

Find the patterns with these women and then I would suggest that you start looking for women who don’t have these patterns. And take your time. Like you said with the first woman, you really just took the first choice that you could basically find . I think you should weigh your options more carefully. Like I said in the beginning of the video, ultimately nobody can protect you from these women but yourself. If you’re gonna keep on choosing these women it’s just gonna happen over, and over, and you’re gonna end up in these hurtful situations. And yeah, these women are pieces of shits, but you’re the one who’s choosing it. And you’re the one who’s making it happen.

So that’s the only advice that I can give for you. I think you have to look at your trauma and you also have to look at the trauma of these women and their toxic behaviors. How can you identify them as quickly as possible? So that you can see it in other women and say “nah I’m fucking out of here. I’m not gonna fuck you. I’m gonna find the woman that is not so crazy, who doesn’t lie, who doesn’t cheat!” It would be better to find a woman who doesn’t excite you so much, but you can turn her into a wild beast over time. Like, for example, let’s say hypothetically, maybe these women excite you more because they’re better in bed. A woman who’s kind of boring, after you fucked her a while, she’s gonna crave you to fuck her like crazy. So even though a woman might look like she’s very boring on the surface, she actually can be quite exciting. And ultimately, let’s be real:

The best excitement that you can find is by finding a woman who has shared dreams where you can build a future and then you can build your dream life. And so of course, you want to find a woman who has shared aspirations where you can dream big together. That is excitement! And so maybe you’ve been choosing the wrong excitement with women. That again is just an assumption but maybe it’s food for thought. All right, so let me know what you think about this. Give me a thumbs up, of course, if you like this, subscribe to the channel, as always don’t forget… That was a long video… Don’t forget to unleash the king within!

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Wenn Du Dir Coaching-Sitzungen nicht leisten kannst, mein Buch Unleash The King Within oder mein Trainingsprogramm Selbstvertrauen-König sind großartige Selbsthilfe-Tools, mit denen Du Dein Privatleben und Deine Dating-Erfahrungen verbessern kannst.

Hallo, ich bin Andy Graziosi. Ich helfe Männern ihr Selbstvertrauen zu entfalten und ihr volles Potenzial auszuschöpfen. Meine wissenschaftlich fundierte Philosophie lautet: „Der König ist bereits ein Gewinner.“ — Erstaunliche Frauen fühlen sich bereits zu dir hingezogen. Alles, was ein König tun muss, ist diese Anziehungskraft zu seinem Vorteil zu nutzen.

Du kannst mit Deiner Traumfrau ausgehen. Ich helfe Dir ein starkes männliches Gerüst zu entwickeln und aufrechtzuerhalten. Dies hilft Dir Deine Dating-Unsicherheiten zu überwinden & eine Macht zu werden, auf die man zählen kann.

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