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Codependent men don’t know how to stay out of the friend zone

Aug 25, 2021 | Dating & Attraction, Friendzone

This post is also available in: Deutsch (German)

Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

Sup kings? In this video we’re gonna talk about friend zoning and codependency. I have a man here who is in love with his best friend and she’s not into him, basically, and it seems at first that he’s not really a codependent person but his behavior proves that he actually is codependent. So he hasn’t been dating for a long time so you would think he’s not codependent but it’s not really the case. So let’s look at the situation.

He says: “Okay, my situation is not new or unique. I’m 33 and I’m in love with my best friend who is 27. I’ve known her for about a year and we get along great. We tell each other everything. We’ve slept in the same bed (and I do mean slept).

So he means literally just sleeping in the same bed. No sex involved. And he says:

We are as close as two people can be. About six months ago I realized I had feelings for her and then they started getting stronger and stronger until I realized I was in love with her. I tried to bottle it up but she knew something was wrong with me and basically bullied me into telling her. She was very kind and gave me the whole I love you as a friend thing.

So cliche! That was about a month ago. So what I would have done in this situation since you’ve only known each other for one year and you realize after six months “hey I really like this girl“… What I would have tried is just to subtly seduce her. Try to flirt with her more often and touch her, or have fun games. Drinking games. Have some good fun and basically have the opportunity to become a little bit more physical. And maybe she realizes that “Hey I actually like that. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

Because that’s essentially the only way how you can go about this. You can’t convince someone to like you by acting like a friend. That’s not how this works. So there’s only two options. Either she kind of likes you, but she likes the friendship and then maybe she’s going to realize that she might be interested once you start dating someone else. But then she might just not do anything because she realizes “well now he’s dating someone. Damn, what do I do now? Okay, opportunity missed.” or you try to escalate. And I’m not saying escalate in the sense of being very pushy and in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable. Just a few small hints here and there and she will pick up the signals. And she will decide for herself if she likes that or not. And if she doesn’t, she will just tell you.

So he says: “Now, I have been single for six years and she’s been single for eight years.

That’s quite extreme that both of you have been single for that long and you would think that you’re not codependent, but your behavior will soon prove that you are and you probably don’t realize it properly.

He says: “In the six years I’ve been single I’ve had one sexual partner, and then the eight years she’s been single, she’s had at least 20 sexual partners.

Huge, huge difference, obviously!

She’s a tad promiscuous and is quite fond of one night stands and fuck buddies“, so as you can see she actually likes that stuff. Some women are quite open with their sexuality and they just love getting laid and having sex, and there’s nothing wrong with that per see.

I still remember this one woman that I really liked back then. I was still a total nice guy. Gosh! She was so hot and I was also basically in the friend zone. And she literally told me this as well: “I really like to have sex” And this chick just loved the bad boys, and she just loved not being in a committedrelationship and having her fun. And you know, she was just striving with this. She was an empowered woman, very successful businesswoman, in well, I can’t say where.

I’m not going to say in which country that was, but you know, she basically had a lot of options and she loved it. She loved that lifestyle and so the girl that you like, she seems to be very similar. She loves to have sex. So you know, maybe if you just make some advances she might actually like it. You never know. Maybe you can turn her on. You just have to try, because if I have the choice, if i’m generally just really loving to have sex and there’s someone that I’m really close to and I really enjoy his company, and then we can combine that with some really great sex, it’s not bad!

Sex with people who we care about and who we’re close to is ultimately the best kind of sex because we’re bonding with that person. That makes the sex so much more special, right? So she could really get something out of this and you shouldn’t be so afraid that you are just the friend, essentially. So she’s saying… she basically friendzoned you, telling you the whole “it’s just I love you as a friend thing” but you could have just tried to see if you could take it further without expectations. Maybe you could have started with friends with benefits. That could have developed into a serious relationship long term. You never know.

So he then says: “I wasn’t prepared for how hard it was going to be to see her with guys. She went to London for a week last month and had two one-night stands and while she was telling me, I felt this knot form in my stomach, which is still there getting tighter and tighter. Last night we were out together and she had told me about some guy she met in college who she thinks is interested in her as a fuck buddy. And she’s more than up for it. In actual fact, there is a very good chance she’s with him as I write this.

Because you didn’t take actions when it should have been the time to take action. Now you’re sitting on the sidelines. Like I said, six months ago when you were relatively new friends, six months, you could have tried to make a move. Now, obviously, one year later it’s getting harder or you feel like it’s getting harder

So he says: “And yep, right on cue! There’s that damn knot.

So as soon as he knows or thinks that she’s probably with that guy he’s not feeling comfortable with everything. He’s feeling like shit.

So he says: “I know all the standard advice with the main one being to distance myself from her and that’s not going to happen. I need her in my life.

So that’s where the codependency comes in. You’re really codependent. You’re literally saying “it’s not going to happen I need her in my life” Why? Are you gonna die if you don’t have her in your life? I know it’s really nice to have her in your life. I know you’re very close friends. I know that you get along very well and she probably is a great support system for you, but another woman could also be a great support system. Ultimately, we need both things.

We need chemistry, sex, attraction, and you know, just all the good stuff. And then we also need bonding, emotional bonding, and emotional support. Both things are equally important in a relationship. If one of them are out of balance we don’t feel great. We don’t like the relationship. Some women feel incredibly distraught when their man doesn’t want to have sex and they wonder why. It’s not a good feeling. The same time, if their man doesn’t support them emotionally, it’s the same thing. They will feel more and more distant until they themselves don’t want to have sex.

You need good balance. You need both in your life and so if you can get that from her, if you can’t get both things from her, well, think about it. You can probably get this from another woman. You just don’t think that you can because you’re thinking “she’s so special. Oneitis. I will never find someone like her ever again” but it’s not the truth. You can find someone like her again. I know it’s not that easy to find women where we have really, really strong emotional bonds, and we get along very well, the chemistry is just right, and we understand each other perfectly.

But you just need to meet more women. That’s just the fact. It’s a numbers game. There are so many people on the planet who share our values, and our goals, and how we want to live our lives, and our humor, our sense of humor, the things that we like. We think that’s not the case but we’re all not that special as we think. We all have a lot of ways how we overlap with all of our interests and all that stuff. So don’t treat her like she’s the only person on the planet, the only woman who could make you happy.

He says: “It crushes me. I need her in my life. But the thing of it is: It crushes me when I see her with other guys. If she got a boyfriend that would be tough but I could accept it. But this whole casual thing she’s got going on is killing me.

I don’t really understand the logic of that. Why does the casual thing kill you, but then if she’s a boyfriend, it’s fine? Bottom line is in both scenarios she doesn’t want you. She wants someone else and she’s telling you “I would rather be friends with you.” That would equally suck.. oh there, he’s actually explaining it.

He says: “I mean what does it say about me when she has f buddies and one-night stands, goes out on dates with guys she doesn’t even like, and yet she won’t even entertain the possibility of anything ever happening with me. It doesn’t do much for a man’s ego, let me tell you.

Yeah, I can understand that. It obviously kind of hurts. You feel like “Am I not worthy enough? Is there something wrong with me?” but I think actually it’s the opposite. She thinks there’s something perfectly right with you. She thinks the emotional support that you give and all the platonic relationship that you have, the friend zone, she likes you being as a friend. That’s great! She likes that and she doesn’t want to lose that.

She clearly has the sexual side of relationships already covered, so she got that down. She can get laid any minute. So if she’s having so many sexual partners and she loves one-night stands, she’s probably exactly like that woman that I was into many, many years ago. She could go out into any bar and she can have anybody. I actually still remember that one night we went out partying with some friends and I just saw how many free drinks she got from the barkeepers. She got the entire group so many shots. That’s just the power of the pussy. That’s just the reality.

She can have so many sexual partners if she wanted to and she can also have your emotional support. So she can date all of these guys who don’t need to give her the emotional support, she just wants the excitement, she wants the thrill of it. She wants the bad boy. That’s just how it is. Nice guys always finish last. And basically, she has nothing to risk here because you’re still in the picture. You’re always going to be her friend and yeah, that’s why you have to distance yourself. And at the end of the day if you can’t deal with this, you have to walk away.

You have to let her know politely, friendly, without any drama “hey, you know how I feel about you. I can’t deal with this. I just can’t see you with other people and I think we should probably go separate ways.” and chances are she will eventually come back. Now there’s also the chance, of course, I will be honest with you, that she can never see you as a sexual partner. That’s just life and you have to deal with that.

He says: “I’m at my wit’s end. I can’t concentrate at work. Please, any advice at all would be really really appreciated. I need to get rid of this knot. Thank you.

You should be doing what she’s doing: You should start having some sex. You’ve only had one sexual partner in six years, dude. It’s time to get laid. I still remember something a few years ago when I was still a total nice guy and I was sitting at a bar with my bosses. I just got promoted into a management position. First management position. I was starting to play the big game and they basically told me, I was there hanging out with my epic bosses who knew how to get laid, they knew the game already, they were about 10 years older than me, and they told me “dude, you should really enjoy your life while you still can. You should get the pussy while you still can.

And they were so right about that in retrospect. I really understand what they meant, because once I no longer was a nice guy who couldn’t get laid, once I started dating the models and the influencers, and once these girls really started chasing me even though I didn’t have to do much to get their attention, I realized how great sex can be and how liberating it can be. And how good it feels when you have options. And how good it feels for your ego. Actually, you mentioned this. It doesn’t feel good for your ego because she doesn’t want you. But dude, there is a plethora of women who want you.

We don’t realize that when we’re nice guys but once we stop pleasing all of these women and trying to do all the nice stuff, and being the good friend, and all that stuff, eventually we start to get a lot of women. We get a lot of attention. And you have to stop focusing so much on her and thinking that your life depends on her. And your codependency and thinking that if you don’t act like the friend you have no choice, you’re gonna basically not get anywhere.

You’re trying to get into her pants through friendship. How is that ever gonna work? I mean, I am a straight guy, obviously, but how the heck would I ever have sex with my male best friend? We’re best friends! That’s it! How would I ever get into the pants of my female best friend who also happens to be the … um shit… I don’t even know what this is but I’m the godson (lol godfather, there it is) of her child…

I’m really bad with these names. We’re just so close as friends. We would never have sex with each other, you know. It’s just friendship. It’s called friendship for a reason. So you have to be realistic about your expectations:

Either you take it to the next level, which is either escalating, or walking away and having sex with other women, getting laid. You know that you’ve heard that advice, I’m sure: “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.” And it’s the same scenario here even though this is not about re-attraction. Once you date more women, have sex, and realize how great this is, and even though they might not give you the emotional support because you can’t always find the perfect woman, it takes time.

You will feel better about yourself and once she can tell that you’re starting to feel better and moving on, she will get interested all of a sudden because she doesn’t know that side about you. She doesn’t feel thrilled by you. She doesn’t know that you can be the bad boy. So you have to show her you can be adventurous and that she can have a good time with you as well. And maybe the first step is just by having a good time with your life and with women. And then she gets curious what changed with you.

Maybe I can also have really damn good sex with him?” because I mean come on, great relationships, real relationships, I’m not talking about friends with benefits, or casual stuff, or one-night stands… Great relationships where you have a tight bond but you also have naughty, nasty, really good sex,
that’s the best stuff in life. We all know that women know that they want that. But most guys just don’t present the sexual side properly to women and they don’t show what value they offer on that side.

So you have to present your value, what you have to offer on the excitement side. I hope that was helpful. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Let me know if you agree with this take or you don’t agree with this take. If you like this, of course, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to my YouTube channel, and if you need some more help, you can get my book “Unleash The King Within” on Amazon.

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