Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
Hi, I’m Andy Graziosi and I help you unleash your confidence and become the man that women love.
So in this video, we have a great topic from a young man. He’s 23 years old and he’s dating a girl, and he’s realizing there are some problems with her and he’s seeing that that’s a pattern from his past relationship. And so he’s not sure what’s the next step.
That’s why I titled this video “if you got issues you’re probably dating a woman with issues.” So let me read his message
and let’s see what’s going on here.
He’s saying: “Hi, I’m looking to get your opinion as what I am currently feeling right now is very weird. To start, I am 23 and have been single for three years. Throughout late high school and midway into college I was involved in a long-term
relationship that quite honestly was not healthy.
When it ended it I took it pretty badly and it took me about two years to heal and in a sense to get over it.“
So it’s kind of good that you took your time to try and heal from it. That’s a good step. Because a lot of people just jump into a new relationship right away, and especially when you just jump from one relationship to another and you haven’t healed, you cannot see how messed up some of the women are that you’re dating.
So good job for first focusing on yourself and your healing process. That’s a good step.
So he says: “About a year after it ended, I spent about two years on active duty military. Looking back I think it was not the best idea as it was an emotionally charged decision.“
You see, what I just said. Whenever we have a breakup, especially when the person meant a lot to us, we do really stupid stuff and I’ve done the same things in the past and it’s best to just focus on yourself and take things slowly and don’t make any rash and impulsive decisions, because we’re never in a good place after a breakup.
Usually, you need at least one year to really heal or actually, often just start the healing process and be able to make rational decisions again. And especially in that time when you’re most vulnerable, you don’t want to make these decisions, like life decisions, or dating decisions.
And you just want to focus on yourself and slow things a little bit down. So things happen. We make mistakes after breakups.
That’s okay. You probably learned from it.
So he says: “Anyway, over that time I learned to move on and lost my feelings for this girl.“
“I knew that to be true because I eventually ended up speaking to her again as a friend and when I did that, I had no butterfly
feelings or anything of that nature. It was just as if I was talking to a friend that I had not seen in a while. During this time I found out that she ended being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and a few other things.“
So if you’re not familiar with bipolar disorder, that’s basically, if I’m not mistaken kind of a mix of depression, and moodiness,
and basically being up and down. So the girl obviously had some issues and in his relationship, it probably was like that. Very
often very moody. Lots of fighting. Things like that. That’s why he said the relationship wasn’t very healthy.
So she got some real problems.
“Our friendship ended after she started dating the second guy after me as he as he was not comfortable with us talking, which I understand and don’t blame him so we don’t talk as friends anymore.“
And that’s probably a good decision. So especially if their relationship was very unhealthy, sometimes it’s probably a good idea to not stay in touch with an ex. If the ex is on good terms with you and there was no big drama and you can see that both of you know the way that you talk with each other is healthy and you don’t have feelings for each other anymore… Perfectly fine!
But often we still have feelings and then it doesn’t work out anyway, to stay in touch, or often it’s also just that the ex is an
ex for a reason sometimes. And you probably want to stay away from them because they just didn’t really work with you.
She might work with someone else but you know between the two of you maybe things didn’t work out for a reason.
So he says: “Anyways, fast forward when I got home a few months ago. I started using Bumble to kinda see what’s out there. Now I am not a very attractive guy, so I don’t get very many matches, let alone actually meet up with the ones I matched with. Regardless, I started talking to this really pretty girl over the weekend.
We hung out last night and I had a decent amount of fun, and she came to as well. However, after talking I realized I started to draw a lot of parallels with the past girls I have been with.“
So now he’s seeing the pattern. Something is kind of wrong with the girls that he’s dating. There is some kind of red flag that he’s starting to see and before we go more into this, I want to draw the focus on something that he said.
He said: “Now I am not a very attractive guy, so I don’t get very many matches.”
I don’t know what you look like and it honestly doesn’t matter. you should think that you’re attractive. Like what does that
even mean? “I’m not a very attractive guy.” How many guys are very, very attractive? Do you have to be super muscular? Am I super muscular? No, I’m a very slim fit guy. I will never be muscular, even in my best times before covid happened I am always a very skinny guy.
Does that mean I’m not attractive? I don’t know. Lots of girls find me attractive. My girlfriend finds me attractive. So what’s the problem here? The problem is not that you’re not attractive, because you will always be attracted to someone.
Problem is that you don’t value yourself and you think that women cannot see that you’re attractive, but there are plenty
of women who think that you’re fucking hot and I have to bleep this out for YouTube, so yeah, there’s a problem with your confidence here.
You don’t believe that you deserve attractive women and that’s why you don’t match with attractive women. I’m sure your Bumble profile reflects that belief in how you talk about yourself in the profile, and so that’s why you don’t get enough
matches, and that’s also why these women, when you when they match with you, they don’t go on dates with you. It’s a mindset problem.
So anyway he says: “Regardless, I started talking to this really pretty girl over the weekend and we hung out last night and I had a decent amount of fun time and she claimed to as well. However, after I started talking I realized she started to draw a lot of parallels with the girls I’ve been with, specifically the ex I had dated for a long time.
She stated that she was bipolar, had a lot of issues with her dad, and without going into too much detail a lot of it sounded a lot like the girl from the past, which made me start thinking about it a lot in the back of my head.
I knew that this was not gonna go anywhere.“
So what are the odds that you end up dating a girl twice with bipolar disorder? I don’t know what is the statistics on bipolar
disorder. I think it’s relatively high compared to other psychological problems, but you know that’s a pretty specific pattern that he has.
And he’s starting to see, he’s catching on there’s something wrong here. Another girl with bipolar disorder. They say “fool me once, shame on you“, “fool me twice, shame on me“
So after a second time, often you can already see patterns, after the third time when something happens in your life, it’s definitely a pattern. Then you should be paying attention to it. So I don’t know how often this happened to him but he’s starting to notice this is weird. Another bipolar disorder girl. So why is this happening? Why he’s messaging me?
So let’s continue. He says: “Today we texted back and forth and then she hit me with the ‘you’re really cool and all but we are very different. I don’t think it would work.’ I kinda figured after last night, but I went ahead to ask for her to explain as I am a pretty open person and was curious to hear what she had to say.
Anyways, I never got an answer and got blocked on everything. This is not new to me, as I have had a couple others block or remove me on everything.“
So this should be a major red flag indicator right here. Do people sometimes block each other after breakups? Yes. There are several reasons why we might block a person after a breakup. Maybe we just can’t deal with the pain if the person really means a lot to us. It’s understandable. I wouldn’t recommend it. If the person isn’t mean, or evil, has narcissistic traits… things like that. If you can’t help it, to help you move on or to get some space from that person…
Perfectly fine! It happens. Same, sometimes people block other people because their ex turns out to be very manipulative and narcissistic. I help people to get their ex back but often I also help them to discover “well you know what? I’m seeing a lot of
red flags here and this is not normal“, because sometimes we use this dating advice like no contact to get our ex back, we feel great about certain reactions that we get from our ex, but often there’s more behind the curtains.
Not always is our ex a healthy normal person. Not always should you get your ex back. In such a case, you often discover “wow, this woman has some major, major problems.“
Very often when that happens, especially with narcissistic people, people just block their exes after a while. People get tired of it and they’re like “okay I’m done with this. You are never going to change. I deserve better. I’m out of here.”
It does happen every now and then but not too often. Most of the time when we have breakups we don’t block each other. So it might hurt a little bit for a while, of course. You loved each other.
But sometimes we can move on pretty fast or sometimes you know we can move on after a certain while. And we don’t need to block that person. Sometimes we can even stay friends possibly, or rekindle things at a later time.
So it’s not the most common thing to block each other. But he is seeing this pattern that it happens over and over, and this
girl didn’t even know him that well. So they started dating on Bumble, they had one date, or maybe more than one. I’m not sure but it’s obviously nothing serious, so why would she block him? That’s just really strange. So she got some obvious
issues here. This is not normal behavior.
She’s obviously being moody. Maybe she’s insecure. Of course, I don’t know everything that you’re telling me. Maybe there’s
something that you’re not telling me. Could be. But I have to trust you here and so this reaction is quite strange from her. Maybe she’s very controlling, very impulsive, very insecure.
Whatever. This is something that you should stay away from, because why would you need to block someone if you
don’t even know someone properly yet, right?! So if you haven’t been in a relationship for a relatively long time, like let’s say at least six months, you’re not very close yet. You haven’t bonded. You haven’t attached to the person yet. Why would you need to block them? It doesn’t really matter to you that much.
So you just move on with your life, but she blocked you even though you’re not really that close yet. There’s something really fishy going on here.
So he says: “Regardless, I don’t know if I had started to like this girl or something because it left me feeling really strange and down after getting unadded, especially I guess removed from Facebook or whatever. Especially without an answer.“
So he’s really needing some closure here and he says: “I knew that I wasn’t gonna go anywhere so I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I’m not sure if this brought up repressed feelings, as the way I had gotten dumped in my long-term relationship was a text without answers.“
So the last girl I guess also dumped him, and then he got no closure and this girl, in my opinion, was really similar.
“But usually when this would happen, I just brush it off. This time though I’m just left feeling down and haven’t felt like she hadn’t felt like this in a while. My question is. Is this rejection feeling me somehow still being hung up on my ex, or constantly being attracted to the same type of person, which I know is incompatible?“
It’s probably a bit of all of those things. You definitely probably have a problem with rejection, you probably have a problem with being hung up on your ex on some level, and I can tell that you are a bit insecure.
You sometimes can brush it off, but seriously you’re having a problem here right now with a girl that is very, very red flag. I would never consider to date a girl like this right. If I would see a pattern like this in a girl I’d be like “okay, I’m out of here because I can have so many more women that are so much better.“
So why would I waste my time with a girl that is having a lot of issues? And so that tells me all these patterns that you’re seeing probably means you have issues yourself with your insecurity, your confidence, like when you said that you think you’re not attractive enough.
And that’s why you don’t get matches and you asked “Am I constantly being attracted to the same type of person which I know is incompatible?” and actually it is common knowledge in psychology that we in a way attract the people who are seemingly incompatible with us.
So often they have similar issues, either on the exact opposite spectrum of the issues that we have, or they could also just
have almost the same issues that we have and the reason why we do that often is because we want to heal our own trauma. So we all grow up with our own problems, especially with our parents how we were raised. The kind of attention that we didn’t receive sometimes in our early childhood years.
And often we end up dating people because we subconsciously want to heal those wounds and there’s not necessarily something bad with that, we all have our issues. The point is just… Okay, we have to fix those issues and most people can fix those issues but some people have more problems than others and so I would suggest that you probably have some deeper problems from your childhood, which are the reason why you’re always attracting girls who are bipolar.
Obviously, insecure, impulsive, blocking, that’s just really strange. So I’m sensing that you probably have a bit of codependency issues to some extent. Now I would say you’re not that codependent because you often brush it off.
I don’t know if you brush it off because you just don’t want to deal with that, but now you are obviously acknowledging “hey
something’s wrong here” and so instead of saying “is there something wrong with the girls?” I would start identifying what’s wrong with you. I’m not saying that you should say that you should sit down and see “how messed up am I” but you should identify why does this happen? Why would I actually want to date a girl like this.
So my book that I always talk about is called “Unleash The King Within” and the reason why I titled this book that way is because I believe every man is a king. We should believe that we are a king and we should believe that we deserve the best woman on this freaking planet. The best woman for you. So we all have different expectations what is the best woman for us, but you deserve what is the best woman for you.
And so you should really value yourself and believe that you deserve your queen, essentially. And I don’t think that a bipolar
woman is a queen. I don’t think a woman who blocks you impulsively even though you’re not very close… not a queen, right?
So these kind of patterns… there’s something off here. You’re noticing right now that there is something off, which is great. I think your problem is probably that you have an issue with being confident to date better women because you said you took your time to heal before. And sometimes you can brush it off so that tells me you probably have some codependency issues, some issues with your confidence, not feeling confident enough and you know it’s not too strong because you can move on from certain girls but at the same time you are too scared to take the leap to date a really attractive woman.
You don’t give yourself enough credit. You only give yourself enough credit to date the same messed up women. So you probably have some issues yourself. You should identify those and try to level up your game. You should consciously try to date more attractive women. You should date these women that you think “oh there’s no way I could date these women.“
I used to think the same thing in the past. I could never date this hot woman. But one day I woke up. And I woke up next to these women that just blew my mind in my wildest dreams.
You can do the same. You just need to take a leap of faith and approach these women. Take a step forward because that builds up your confidence. Right now I can tell you’re lacking some confidence and once you start working on this you are going to become more confident. Feel better about yourself.
And the more you repeat, the more you succeed.
I’m not sure if you can see this but I legit have a t-shirt that says that because I believe it. The more often we repeat something, especially in dating, the more confident we become. And that’s the thing:
The more often you date these women that are very attractive, the less unwilling you will be to date a woman like this. Now I’m not saying that she’s a bad woman or that she is messed up or that she is you know, like someone to stay away from. Maybe.I don’t know her.
But I’m just saying that there are better alternatives out there.
A queen. And you are king. So you deserve that.
There you have it. A king has spoken. Let me know in the comments what you think. If you like this, give me a thumbs up, subscribe on my YouTube channel, and of course, follow my other social profiles.
If you need more help here is how I can support you.
First, you can grab my free couples canvas template to gain instant dating clarity or just grab my book “Unleash The King Within” from Amazon to learn more about the mindsets and the mental models to attract a bombshell type of woman.
You can also join our men’s self-help group Mentality Mondays. Every Monday, we get together on a zoom call, which
is super epic, to talk about what is real for us. And to help us grow and become a better man. It’s really my most favorite project.
Lastly, if you want the best of my dating advice, go get my training program confidence king or, of course, you can always
book a coaching session with me.
Just check the links in the description for everything. I’ve just mentioned. Again, I’m Andy Graziosi and I help you unleash your confidence and become the man women love. And with that,
I will see all of your kings in the next video. Until kingdom come.