Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
What’s up, kings? In this video we’re going to talk about getting an ex back and I’m gonna be quite frank with you whether maybe you shouldn’t get your ex back. So the thing is when we have a breakup, especially when the woman means a lot to us, we become crazy. We want her back so much and it’s quite natural. If you look at my channel,l I make one video every Monday about getting an ex back but then I also have a lot of videos about becoming a king and so this is why I’m doing this here, every time, because every time, whenever I make a video, I want to remind you that you should unleash the king within. And it’s normal to want your ex back because that person meant a lot to you. It’s natural and I don’t think there’s something wrong with that. There is something wrong with it though if you want your ex back for whatever means, no matter how she treated you, you still want her back.
And so what you typically see when you read a lot of self-help books, there’s a bit of a misleading advice in these books, that you should love yourself first before you love someone else. How can you love someone else if you don’t love yourself, first? And there is, of course, a lot of truth to this, but there’s also a lot of social science that has been around for a long time, maybe it started in the 60s, when we discovered this, attachment theory, that shows how we attach to people. And it’s just natural that we want people, that we need people, and especially if you’ve been together with a person for a long time, it’s just very normal that we need people and so just strictly saying “I need to be my own king and I don’t need anybody” it’s actually also toxic and unhealthy. What we should do is we should be with someone who actually makes us happy. So if we are with someone that we cannot rely on then that doesn’t serve us any purpose, and then it would be better to be alone, than being with a person who doesn’t make us happy.
So I have a message from a guy who wants his ex back and I basically want to talk about, well do you really need your ex back? Should you actually get her back? Because not every ex is the same. Some exes are not good for you. It’s not always the case, of course, but some exes are toxic. They’re cheaters. They’re disrespectful. They’re narcissists. They’re abusive. It’s not always the case, obviously. Sometimes you just don’t know how to communicate, you need to figure out, well, how do we communicate better and you can fix your relationship in that case. It’s totally fine. But at some point, you have to figure out, well, maybe this is not the right thing for me. So let’s look at the message that I have here. The message goes like this:
He says: “What’s up, coach? How are you? Two weeks ago my girlfriend and I broke up after an eight months relationship. Even before that, we tried several times to break up because our relationship was chaotic, but we always postponed it because even if we were fighting very often, we really loved each other.”
So I would actually question this statement. You have been in a relationship for eight months. That is not that long, statistically, that is actually shorter than the average time that it takes for the infatuation period to dissipate, disappear. So there’s this time in a relationship, which on average lasts 14 months, where you could do whatever the fuck you want to do, you could piss off your partner, you could do something that they don’t like, and they will just not care because they love you so much, and all the hormones in their body will just be like “yeah, whatever, it’s fine!” You are very grumpy, or you’re always complaining, something like that. And your partner will just not give a shit. So the fact that after eight months of relationships things are already really rocky and you’ve been trying to break up multiple times… That is not a good sign! So you should question: “Is this relationship good for me?” And especially because you’ve only been together for eight months, it’s not that long of a relationship yet. So you might be better off finding someone else.
So he then says: “She is now living with a guy she briefly dated in the past because she has nowhere else to stay. She knows nobody else in the city. She was seeing him during our relationship and always told me he was just a friend. That nothing ever happened and that she had no feelings at all for him.”
Well, but tada! You break up and now she’s living with this guy. What a coincidence and it’s really convenient that you’re done after eight months and she was already talking to this guy. Now all of a sudden she’s dating him! So clearly, there was something! What healthy people do is when they’re in a relationship and we have attraction for someone else… it can happen! You can be with your woman, you can have a lot of attraction for her, you can be happy, maybe not happy, and then you see a really hot woman and you get along very well, and if you wouldn’t be with your ex, you would probably date this woman. But what a healthy person does is, they say “Well I realize how I’m feeling. Let me take a step back. I need to protect my relationship and see how much attention I give this other person who’s not my partner.”
And so she clearly gave this guy attention and she probably knew what was going on. And so the fact that you were fighting during your eight months of relationship, you’ve been considering breaking up multiple times, and she was probably lining this guy up. So you’re just bullshitting yourself by believing her that he was just a friend. Sure, he was just a friend, but he was a friend that she knew that she could rely on if she decided to break up with you!
So he then says: “I believed her because even if she was selfish and careless in our relationship, I could see she was loving me like crazy. But I know the guy was attracted to her.”
Yeah, so she was selfish and careless, like you say, and she was loving you like crazy. Yes, but she also doesn’t know how to have proper healthy boundaries and how to commit to one person, apparently. That’s my take on it.
So he then says: “After the breakup, I decided to stop any contact with her. We didn’t contact each other for 45 days. Now I thought time will help me but after over a month I have the feeling that I am making no progress. It just gets worse every day.”
Yes, it just gets worse every day, well, for you especially, obviously, because you want her back and there’s nothing happening. But it also gets worse because this was a short relationship. Eight months. This woman has basically been lining up her replacement while you were in a relationship. There was a lot of fighting. This relationship essentially was never healthy and fulfilling in the first place but you’re telling yourself that it was. Why are you telling yourself that? Because it clearly wasn’t. So is it that you need to be in a relationship? You can’t be alone? Is that something that you need to consider? Are you too codependent?
So he then says: “My friends tell me she is probably sleeping with him now and it just kills me.”
Your friends are probably right!
“Every night, and all day I can’t stop having those images of the two of them having sex. I can’t sleep and keep thinking of things we used to do. Everything reminds me of her and it makes me feel like shit, like I have been replaced so easily.”
Yeah it hurts, obviously. Especially when you are new to dating and you haven’t had that many relationships. The thought of all the intimacy that you shared with another woman and then she is about to share that with someone else and it feels like your relationship never mattered and in some cases that is true. In some cases, it’s not. Sometimes a woman just wants to get over you. A rebound. Sometimes you really didn’t matter. And sometimes it’s just the fact that, well, people move on and they want to find a new better partner. Sometimes I wouldn’t say that the woman is a piece of shit for just moving on because a lot of men do deserve it, but of course, a lot of men don’t deserve this treatment.
So it hurts, I know. It’s not what you want but it is what it is. You have to accept that this woman did not care that much about you. The relationship was very short. You’ve been fighting all the time, so whether she is toxic, whether she is maybe a cheater or not, she has a lot of reasons why she might move on quickly because you didn’t even stay for over a year together. So eight months is a relatively long time, that’s the kind of amount of time where I would say “okay now you’re kind of getting really close” but it’s maybe not that threshold where someone has huge anxiety after a breakup.
So he then says: “I feel as if ever since we’ve been broken up my life has been on pause and I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Well, what you should do is stop pausing your life. Stop waiting for this woman to come back. Because like you can see, she was able to replace you relatively quickly. You should date other women. You should do whatever you want to do with your life, with your career, with your goals, with your lifestyle, where you want to live, what kind of career do you want to have, what does your life look like.
You should have a clear vision about this and work on this. And that includes a woman. And I know right now you think this woman is the only woman who can fit into that perfect image of family, of a happy relationship, of settling down, what you want to do later when you grow older. Buying your own house and all that stuff. She perfectly fits into that picture but there are also other women who can fit into this picture. And so what you need to do is, you need to stop pausing your life for this woman. Because whether she comes back in the future and she recognizes that she made some mistakes, right now she doesn’t care. And all you’re doing by pausing your life and keeping on rethinking about this relationship and her, is you will never get her back this way. And you will never be happy this way. Because ultimately, if a woman doesn’t want you, you can’t change that. That’s her loss and you should find someone who actually wants you.
So he then says: “I tried installing Tinder but somehow I keep on turning off the girls that I matched with, which makes me think even more of my ex. I spend most of my time alone at home. Now, I tried going out with some of my friends to bars but I suck at talking to other girls. Almost all of them reject me almost immediately and again, I am reminded of why I miss my ex so much and why I need her back in my life.”
So this tells me that you think that without this woman you are worth nothing. Without this woman you’re gonna fail on Tinder, you’re gonna turn them off. Without this woman, you’re gonna get rejected at bars. This is the reality that you’re telling yourself right now. And I’m not doubting that this is happening. Obviously, that’s what’s going on. You’re being rejected in bars. You’re being rejected on Tinder. But why do you think is that the case? It’s because you give these women way too much value and there’s something that you’re doing that is insecure, where they can feel this guy does not have his shit together. He’s not a king.
And if you put yourself into the shoes of a woman who can see a man who is insecure, who says certain things that just scream insecurity, and a woman has seen this over and over. The woman, likely, maybe depending on her experience level, also has dated men like that, and any woman who has ever dated a man like that who’s codependent, insecure, needy, thinks he’s not worth enough unless the woman that he’s with gives him validation, that kind of man will turn the relationship into a complete disaster eventually. And you know why that is one of the big reasons? Why that is, is because women are being hit on all the time.
So there’s always going to be male competition that you have to deal with. So your woman could be going outside, you could even be there, or you could just be going to the movies and you get some snacks for both of you and when you come back there’s a guy hitting on her. So imagine how it feels to a woman if that is the case. She’s being hit on by some guy. Then her insecure jealous boyfriend sees that and nothing really happened. She just turns him down and says “Sorry, I have a boyfriend. Bye bye.” But then the jealous boyfriend goes fucking nuts and he becomes controlling and all of that bullshit. Maybe he becomes abusive. This is the kind of shit that women have to deal with because men can’t keep their cool.
And so any woman who sees that in a man will be very careful because she wants to avoid that. So you have to think about, well, maybe you are a bit too codependent. You are trying to please these women too much. And this is probably why you’re turning them off. And also because you’re looking so much for the validation from your ex, she might also be able to feel that. So this is something that you really need to silence, take some time on yourself, for yourself, and think about: “Is this actually true?” The things that I’m telling you right now. Are they accurate? And stop dating for a while, I would say. It’s obviously very good to date. You should do this because you need to meet more women and work on these insecurity issues. But first, maybe spend a weekend, or a week, or something like that. Go on a retreat, go on a vacation, go somewhere where it’s kind of quiet. Maybe this sounds cliche, but something like a cabin in the woods. Somewhere where you have time for yourself to think about these things and then you get back to it, you look at it from a new perspective. And then you start dating again and see, try to analyze your behavior. What is it that you’re actually doing with these women that might be turning them off?
So he then says… This is how he wraps it up: “I want her back so much. How long will I feel like this? I really want to get better but I am so tired of all of this. I miss her so much and I am so tempted to contact her. To ask her if she is with him now and what their relationship status is. I need some clarity and know if she has still some feelings for me.”
So first of all, if you message her and ask her this, this is the biggest fucking turn off that she could possibly receive because she will just feel repelled. She will realize that you’re completely not moving on. That your life basically is completely on pause, which it is right now. And if you don’t, if she doesn’t come back to you, she knows that you’re just basically gonna be whining, and being sad, and being miserable. And why would she want to be with you in this case? So do not at any cost message this woman. First of all, it’s a bad move for getting her back and it’s also just a bad move for you in general. Because well, this woman doesn’t want you back right now. Maybe she wants you back in the future but she needs to earn another shot with you as well. And if she doesn’t want you back or even if she wants you back, you should still be meeting other women. You should be having sex with other women.
And eight months relationship is not that long. So you’re probably thinking right now: This relationship was the fucking bomb. There has never been a better relationship ever. And I can understand that. I understand how it hurts so much. Maybe it’s your first relationship and you just can’t relate it to anything else. And this woman maybe had some good qualities that you do miss but you’re also attached to this woman in a very unhealthy way. And so you need to take some time to work on yourself and process “Do I really want this woman back or am I just being codependent? What are my reasons for wanting this woman back?” Because what you told me, you didn’t mention any reasons why you would want this woman back. She had some bad qualities, you were fighting a lot, the only good thing that you mentioned was that she was crazy in love with you but the reality is every god damn person on the planet, whether you’re a man, or a woman, whether a woman dates a man, or whether a man dates a woman, they’re gonna be crazy in love with you.
Because it’s new. It’s exciting. The hormones are spiking and you just can’t think of anything else. But is that everything that it is to your relationship? No, there’s obviously a lot more to a healthy and satisfying relationship. And just a little bit of passion, it’s nice but it’s gonna fade eventually and then you actually have to maintain that passion, and the fact that your passion in the relationship already kind of disappeared in those eight months, it’s not a good sign! So I would kind of re-evaluate was it really that good? Probably not. And she’s already fucking someone else, I assume. So she probably didn’t think it was that great. And she thinks she can do better.
And I don’t know the other guy. He clearly was hitting on her while she was with you, so he’s also not the best guy out there. Because he’s basically incentivizing her to cheat on you and she’s gonna do the same thing with him. So joke’s on him. The same thing is gonna happen to him eventually. So he doesn’t realize that if you consciously incentivize someone else to have no integrity, well they’re gonna do the same thing to you, right? Or to him. So you know, maybe they are a match made in heaven, I don’t know. So yeah, you need to evaluate this and take it slowly. Whatever you do, do not message this woman. And whether she is with him right now, whether she is having sex with him, whatever their relationship status is, it doesn’t matter because you’re not a couple right now. She doesn’t owe you any explanation at all, honestly. You’re not married. You’re not in a committed relationship. So it’s none of your business. I know you spent your life together for eight months and it feels like you should be entitled to this knowledge but if she chooses “I don’t want you in my life” for whatever reasons, then you have to respect that. You have to give her that space and by trying to force yourself onto her, and saying “hey hey what’s going on? Are you with this guy?” It’s very unattractive and it makes her feel very choked, smothered, and like she has no freedom. And if she has no freedom to choose the relationship, she’s never gonna come back to you.
So this is my final advice for you. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Do you agree with the take or maybe you don’t? Of course, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to my YouTube channel, and if you need some more advice there are a few ways how I can help you. So first of all, you can get my book “Unleash The King Within” and it’s very, very good to read for you guys out there who want their ex back, and are too codependent, and don’t know their worth. You need to realize that there is a king within you because otherwise, no woman is ever going to want you. Whether you want to get an ex back, or maybe eventually realize she wasn’t that great and you want to find another woman, unless you think that you are a king, you can never attract a queen. And by the way, this woman does not sound like a queen that much to me. So you should assess: “Is she a queen? Am I a king?” And if not maybe, I should aspire to becoming a king. So this book could really help you.
You can of course also enroll in my “Confidence King” training program or my “Financial Freedom King” training program, and of course, you can always book a coaching session with me. And with that, I will see all of you kings in the next video. I’m Andy Graziosi. I help you unleash your confidence and become the man women love. See you in the next video.