Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
Ouch! Hi, I’m Coach Andy Graziosi and I help you unleash your confidence and become the man that women love. Stay a while and listen. This one is a very interesting topic. Obviously, as a man who has been married, so probably at least in his 30s, he didn’t say how old he is and he wants a girl back, but seems like nothing is working.
Let’s see what’s going on. He says: “Hello, I’m really hoping I can get some help here. I have really no one else to talk to about this.”
And yeah, that’s a very common thing by the way with men that we don’t talk about our problems, and the more we bottle up our problems, the more stress we have inside ourselves, in our bodies, the more we make mistakes, the more we freak out, say the wrong things, do the wrong things, and that especially doesn’t work with trying to get someone back that we love, or trying to fix something, because obviously, the more stress you have, the more easy it is to say the wrong thing and be very impulsive.
So it’s important to find more outlets where you can talk to people and I’m going to mention this at the end of the video, anyway, but this is what the community that I built, Mentality Mondays is for. To have a community where we can talk about whatever we feel like. It could be something good or bad. The point is to process our emotions, because obviously, we men, we know how to get shit done… shift done. I don’t know if I need to censor this.
But we don’t really know how to talk about stuff and if we don’t talk about stuff, we don’t really process our emotions, and without processing our emotions you can’t come up with solutions. So be sure you have a support system, whether you join my community, or you find other avenues. Find more men to talk to about your problems. I’m sure you have some friends who you could talk to about this stuff, even though it doesn’t have to be super serious. Maybe it’s just over a beer. Find new avenues.
So he says “me and my wife have been in a relationship for about one and a half years”
…so a pretty young marriage.
“We have been living together for about a year and finally decided to get married in October.“
So that’s almost a year actually. Well, whatever it’s like seven months or something like that.
“All throughout our relationship we’ve always argued mainly due to my jealousy issues that I have. So while I have never caught her with another man or anything of that nature, I am extremely jealous and see things oftentimes when there is probably nothing there. That has led me to constantly batter her about everything, sadly.“
Okay, you know already there’s probably nothing there so you are probably not jealous… sure, you’re jealous, but it’s more that you’re codependent and you are what we call anxious in terms of attachment style. So attachment styles are the ways how we attach to people. So how we feel about other people who are in our lives. Are we anxious that we’re gonna lose them Are we avoidant that we need more space from them and we feel kind of smothered when we are too close to people? Or are we secure, where we are neither, we are pretty chill and it’s very normal for us to be around people and to bond and connect, and we are never avoidant or anxious.
And you are clearly on the anxious side so that’s something that you need to work on. Why do you feel so anxious? Is it something that happened when you were younger with your parents? Were you bullied? Were your parents not attentive enough? Did they criticize you? Or did they neglect you? Was your father always not there for you? Maybe he was at work all the time? Why are you anxious? That’s the root cause and obviously we haven’t mentioned this yet I guess but the title is called “my counselor can’t help me fix our marriage” Your counselor should help you identify this and find ways how you can solve these mental roadblocks.
So he then says “Anyway to make a long story short: We have broken up twice before over these issues, but I always tell her I’m going to change and get her to come back, and sadly I never really change. I wish I was one of those people that could wait until I actually had some real proof before I started to accuse people but sadly, for me this is not who I am.“
No, you shouldn’t be the person… Yeah sure okay, I usually only accuse people when there’s real proof but you should just not be with someone where you feel you have proof in the first place. First of all, you should be with a healthy person. Number two, you should work on things so that things don’t get unhealthy and these kind of things never happen in the first place. And obviously you choose to do the latter.
You have to work on your anxiety issues, your anxiousness, so that instead of saying “Hey! Wow, you’re cheating on me!” you have to express how you feel so you can talk about this stuff and then once we know what are the things that make us insecure, make us feel insecure, we can work on these things with our partner. You are a couple for a reason. You’re a team. We all have insecurities. You have to work together with her on her insecurities and problems, and vice versa.
All right so there you go. He says “as of two weeks ago she finally had enough and one day while I thought she was going out shopping with her cousin, I come home to find that she has moved all her stuff. Long story short: She decided against moving in with relatives who she thinks will be in her business and appears to have moved into some type of extended stay shelter for women.“
So that’s pretty extreme. If she just leaves you out of nowhere and then goes to some shelter.. why does she do that? Your jealousy must be quite extreme. One of the first relationships that I’ve ever had in the Philippines, well the first relationship ever that I had in the Philippines was something like that. A girl who was incredibly jealous and I couldn’t even meet my friends properly anymore. I always felt guilty. I know exactly how this felt and one day I just had enough and I said… She got jealous about something super silly and I said “I’m done” and I told her to leave my apartment and that was it. I was just over it. I had enough of that nonsense.
So I don’t know if you are just overly jealous or also very verbally abusive, or maybe possibly even physically abusive. I don’t know. You’re not mentioning this but she clearly has a reason why she’s really done and going very extreme measures of just moving out. There must be something very wrong that you’re probably not mentioning here.
So he says “this is killing me to know that it feels like she needs to live in a shelter instead of at our home but she will not come back.“
Yeah, you’re right that’s quite insane. So clearly there’s something that you need to look in the mirror at, and look at the belly of the beast, and poke the bear and figure out what’s wrong. Where are you going wrong? Why would a woman run with such extreme measures? That’s not normal. Has something happened like this in the past as well? Ask yourself that as well. If this is a repetitive pattern, this is something that you really need to address. I think there is something that you need to address. You’re just not mentioning it here. So he then says “she says it is over and she will NEVER come back.“
So she’s emphasizing “I’m done with this.“
“She wasn’t answering my phone calls, and if she would call back it would be hours later or even the next day.“
Dude, she’s done! Stop calling her! You’re just making things worse. You’re trying to get her to trust you and instead of getting her to trust you by giving her the space and saying “Okay, I understand. I messed up. I’m too jealous you’re clearly upset and whatever I did it needs to stop.” You’re just making it worse, and worse, and you’re showing her “Hey I can’t trust you. This guy is crazy! He’s going to chase me for the rest of my life. I gave you a chance to change. We broke up!“
I think you mentioned twice before “nothing changed. I’m out of here now” and you need to allow her to be over this for now. Right now she doesn’t love you anymore. She can love a future version of yourself, but the way that you are right now, that doesn’t work. So just chasing her the way that you are right now will just make things worse because you’re still that jealous guy.
So he then says “Every time I ask her why it took so long to call me back, she says she’s busy. Naturally, the crazy man inside me is thinking that she is cheating with someone even though I really think she is in a shelter.“
Well, dude, you broke up. There is no cheating. You’re not together anymore. So she can do whatever she wants. Obviously, if she’s with a new guy right away that’s not nice. It hurts. It is somewhat understandable. If she does that, if you really, really just broke her trust over and over, she’s just done and she’s looking for comfort from someone else. And she has the right to do that because you broke up, so it’s not cheating and the matter of when you ask her “Hey, why did it take so long to call me?“…
Well again, that’s needy, that’s insecure, that shows that the only thing that you can think about is her and you’re clearly not focused on fixing yourself. So you’re just showing to her “Oh my God, he’s still the same guy. He’s clearly not working on himself because he’s just obsessed with hearing back from me.“
And why does she need so long to call you back? Well, first of all it doesn’t matter because she has no commitment to you anymore. She owes you nothing. And who cares? She could be busy. It could be literally the truth that she’s literally just busy, and well, the truth is right now she’s just too busy FOR YOU. She can probably make time for other people but definitely not for you. So stop pressuring her. Because this is not going anywhere.
So he says “I’m sorry. I’m rambling but I need to get this out. I have since called about counseling and actually went to my first session one week ago and have scheduled a once a week visit. I beg her to go with me but she says she will not. It’s something I need to do by myself, even when I tell her that the lady can maybe help fix our marriage and her anger issues. She still refuses.“
So I’m not sure if you’re saying that she has anger issues. Maybe? But anyway, you’re saying you’re going to counseling now every week that’s good! Plus, you let her know that you’re working yourself. So finally, you are admitting “Hey this needs to change.” So stop calling her, stop reaching out, stop trying to get a response out of her, go to the counselor. And you know what? The counselor is not going to get your ex back. The counselor will help you to feel more secure to understand where these issues are coming from and to find a solution for this by focusing on yourself, because you can’t find a solution over there where she is. The solution is in here, in your own mindset, in your heart, in your logic, and so she knows that you’re trying to work things out. You’re trying to improve yourself, so she already has all the info that she needs now.
It’s time for you to prove that you’re really doing the work and one part of that work is to stop reaching out to her. If she really cares, and if she believes in you, and if she trusts that you really mean it that you’re working on yourself, there’s two things that will happen:
One: Eventually she will say “You know what, that sounds interesting with the counselor. I want to hear what you have to say. I want to hear what he has to say. I want to understand what is happening.“
Or number two: She doesn’t join you with that because maybe she just doesn’t need it for herself but eventually she realizes “Wow, he really has changed. Let me see if he has changed” … and you have changed, and there you go that’s all she needs.
These two outcomes are all you need for her to have a leap of faith and to give you a little bit of a tiny bread crumb of trust. That little spark that you can turn back into a flame. Right now there’s nothing. It’s like a vacuum. No air. We can’t have any spark. So we need to build it up slowly over time.
Now he says “yesterday..” Ah dude, no!…
“Yesterday I told her I loved her to death and wanted her to come back and she started to cry and told me it’s over and she needs to move on and never talk to me again.“
I told you: You’re making it worse. The more often you do this, the more she just wants you to disappear. She loves you. You were married. She obviously wanted to commit to you and she probably ignored all of these red flags, these issues that you have and maybe she has anger issues as well, I don’t know. But she was willing to look over those issues. So she loves you. It’s just that there are parts of you that she can’t love. So these are the parts that you need to fix. So stop telling her your feelings. She knows that already! She will know this for months to come, for years to come, that you freaking love her. You don’t need to remind her every day. It will just make you seem more crazy.
So he says “she says her counselor at the shelter even said she should not talk to me. What type of counselor is this?! And she should change her number.“
I’m guessing the counselor is saying that because you are just all over her and you won’t leave her alone. Like I said: You’re probably not saying all the details here how bad it really is but yeah, you definitely need to give her space. Whether you’re just some guy who’s very impulsive and just can’t cope with the breakup very well or you’re very, very intrusive of her privacy… The bottom line is her counselor doesn’t believe that you’re trustworthy based on what she’s telling her counselor and so I can’t judge that situation, but on top of my head I would say that counselor is right to say that. I wouldn’t necessarily say that as a counselor they should necessarily say “Hey, okay, pretend that these people are dead, that you are dead.“
But she is right in saying “Hey, I think the distance that you have from him right now is good for you.” That’s good for her and that’s probably why that counselor is saying that and so the only thing that you can do is prove that counselor wrong by changing yourself because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what the counselor says.
If your ex feels that you’re trustworthy again, either she brings it up with the counselor or she completely ignores the counselor’s advice because we’re only human and the best advice that we get from people is something that we sometimes ignore. Whether in this context the advice that she’s getting is the best advice… I don’t know. I don’t know the full context but the thing is if she sees real change, if you do real meaningful change, you are on your best way to increase your chances. Just don’t reach out to her all the time.
So then to wrap it up he says: “This was the last time I talked to her and I’m scared to death that she will never try to talk to me ever again.”
And yeah this is something that I want to mention here. You said this twice now. Words really are meaningful. Whenever we say something, I always listen to what people say. Literal words. And you’re saying “it scares me to death“. So obviously, grief is kind of like death. Losing someone is like the death of a loved one and you’re also talking like death, so that it feels like death. You’re scared to death. So you are really feeling this right now and probably to a large extent you’re feeling this too much because it seems to me that you put all your identity on this woman that’s why you’re so jealous as well, or why you used to be so jealous.
Because she’s your world. You think that if she’s not in your life, things can’t work out and this is a very common thing that men do all the time. It’s actually interesting statistics about the fact that men, for example, seek most of their emotional support from their partner. We don’t have friends. We don’t have other people to rely on.
We don’t rely on ourselves. We always rely on our woman. And that’s not a way to go. We need to be strong within ourselves. We need to be kings. We need to prove to our queen that we are a king. Who wants to follow a tyrant or someone who’s scared and always doesn’t know what to do? That person could never become a king. Imagine if a peasant goes to the king and the king doesn’t know a solution for the peasant. The peasant will just walk away, and walk to the next kingdom, to cross the borders and say “bye bye” because “you can’t do anything for me” and right now that’s how she feels.
You can’t do anything valuable for her and we all want to get something out of our relationships. Right now she’s not getting anything out of that relationship, so you need to keep on working on yourself. You made the first step. I have to say kudos! I think you are a very extreme case of anxious personality type and the fact that you are seeking out a therapist and acknowledging “Okay this is enough, I need to fix something” … that’s your first step.
Now, if your counselor cannot help you, then maybe you should book a coaching session with me. I don’t know, that’s up to you. So far, obviously things haven’t worked. Now you have some insight what you could do next. Maybe you need some specific advice when she reaches out to you. Maybe you need a counselor and a therapist. Maybe you need a counselor/therapist and a coach because they’re actually not the same thing. One of them, the counselor helps you identify the past, the problems in the past, and why you do all of these things. Why are you so anxious. And the coach, me, I help you to figure out okay where do we go from here forward? How can we recreate a better future?
So that’s my final verdict. Good first steps and so if this was helpful, then of course let me know what do you think in the comments. Did you like this? Do you like it, do you not like it? Was it helpful? Do you completely disagree? What should he do? And of course, if it was very helpful for you, then smash that like button, subscribe on my YouTube, and of course, follow my other social profiles.
If you need more help here are a few ways how I can support you. First, you can grab my free couples canvas template to gain instant dating clarity, or you buy this book Unleash The With Within from Amazon. And I think you definitely need this book. You have a lot of codependency issues. I used to be a very codependent man and that reflected a lot in my dating experiences… In my pretty terrible dating experiences.
But at some point I realized “I’m a king, I can do so much better and I can have much better women” and you can do much better. Either you can have a better relationship with her, or with someone else. The thing is you need to see the value within you. You need to awaken the king within yourself. So this book might be for you.
You could also join our men’s self-help group Mentality Mondays. Very, very helpful for you. I think you already have a therapist but maybe you need to talk to more men. Build some more friendships. Feel more secure about doing other stuff. Talking, hanging out with other men and basically what we do is we talk about anything that’s real for us at Mentality Mondays. We also have a book club where every month we read a new book, learn something new, think about controversial ideas about masculinity, and dating, and growth, and so on. Really awesome!
Of course, also, if you want the best of my dating advice, buy my Confidence King training program, or like I said, consider booking a coaching session with me. Again, I’m Andy Graziosi and I help you unleash your confidence and become the man that women love. You should be a king and that’s why I will see all of you kings in the next video. Until kingdom come.