Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
What is up, kings? In this video I have a situation from a guy who’s using the no contact rule wrong and I titled this video “smart contact versus no contact versus active no contact versus passive no contact versus radio silence“… What the hell! So before we get into this situation, I want to talk about, well, going down the rabbit hole. There are so many different methodologies how to get an ex back and I think it kind of makes you go crazy. So I want to talk about all of these methods quickly and give my thoughts on them and how I see going no contact, on getting an ex back and what is the best way to do it. And then we’re going to get into the situation.
Radio Silence Method
So number one we have the radio silence method, which essentially means staying under the radar. You can’t be reached and your ex can’t figure out what you’re up to. Your Facebook might be locked, or you can’t post anything on social media. You restrict your privacy settings. So the idea is that your ex has no idea what is going on with you and that makes her miss you. My thoughts on this is that this is probably not the best way to go about it because of certain biases. So I wrote down a few biases that I think are very helpful with getting an ex back.
Social Proof Bias
For example, the social proof bias, that when you can see that other people like you, when other people can see that you are successful in life, that gives you social proof. And that’s why your ex might want you back.
Another bias might be the halo effect. If your ex can see that you’re doing well with your fitness, then she might assume that you’re also doing well in your career, or in your dating life. That is called the halo effect.
Zero Risk Bias
Another important bias is the zero risk bias, which essentially states that we want to always reduce our risk to zero, rather than taking another risk and reducing it just a little bit. So your ex wants to know “Is there any risk in getting back together?” If you’re doing the radio silence method, she doesn’t know if you’re dating someone. So in effect, she can’t reduce her risk of getting back with you.
Then we have the cheerleader effect, which is similar to the social proof effect, which means that if you are in a group of people, people think better off you. So if you have for example selfies and stuff like that, if you’re going out on events, meeting people, and you have pictures on your social profile that show that, your ex is going to have a better opinion about you. Obviously, if you’re doing radio silence, she has no idea what you’re doing, so she can’t form a better opinion about you.
Then we have the anchoring effect, which essentially states that we always anchor our opinions of everything in life-related to something else, an anchor. So for example, if your ex is dating some guys that really suck but then she can see you doing really well, you’re improving your life, everything is better, then she has the anchor, the bad guy, the guy who’s not making her happy, and then you are seeming much better. So that’s why again, radio silence doesn’t show her how much better you are compared to other guys that she’s dating after the breakup.
Less Is Better Effect
Then one more bias that we have is the less is better effect, which means that if your ex expects not that much from you, she thinks okay, you screwed up, she doesn’t like you anymore, she is over you, she’s had enough of you, so she has low expectations, but then you turn out to be much better than what she expected, she’s going to be much happier. Again, if you’re doing radio silence, she doesn’t know what’s going on with you. She doesn’t know that you’re much better than she expected, reducing your chances.
And then lastly we have something that’s called the sleeper effect, which essentially means that over time people can be influenced by certain opinions, by certain statements. So for example, if you’re portraying on your Facebook or on your Instagram, whatever, that you are happy, not just portraying.. You should be happy! If your ex can see that, over time she’s going to be convinced that you are a happy man, that you’ve changed, that you’ve improved. That doesn’t happen overnight but over time she’s going to change her opinion. We call this the sleeper effect. So you can see that there are actually a lot of biases that suggest it makes sense to show your ex what you’re up to. So I don’t think that the radio silence is the best way to go. There are pros to the radio silence method as well. It makes her wonder a bit more about you but overall I think these biases that I mentioned definitely speak for a different method.
Bad No Contact Method
So then we have the no contact method, or rather how some people call the no conduct. So some people say you should not contact your ex at all, even if they get in touch with you. So for example, you have a predetermined time for how long you keep this up. So 30 days no contact. Or 60 days no contact. And so the idea is if your ex messages you, if you’re doing no contact, it’s day 21 and she messages you, you don’t respond to that. Now that is a pretty dumb advice because if your ex messages you, that means she’s interested again! She wants to know what’s up with you and if you didn’t ignore her… I mean imagine if you’d be ignoring someone. If you ignore your best friend multiple times and he reaches out to you he’ll be like “Well, what the hell! Stop ghosting me, man! What the hell! Come on! Reply, dude! What is up with you?” So it’s not a good way to go.
Passive No Contact Vs. Active No Contact
So then we have two methods that some people call passive no contact and active no contact. Passive no contact means well, you don’t contact them. You could possibly contact them if they reach out to you but the bottom line is you don’t really do anything while you’re doing no contact. So essentially you’re not working on yourself, you’re not improving yourself, and obviously, that’s a bad way to go, because if you don’t work on yourself while you’re doing no contact, if you get back together then you’re just gonna screw up again. You’re gonna run into the same relationship problems. So that doesn’t work. So some people suggest, well, do the active no contact rule instead, which means:
Well, you only contact them if they message you. But the idea behind active no contact is that you keep on working on yourself. You improve yourself. You get back on track. You work on your purpose. Your passion. Your goals. This is the way to go. You want to get better. You want to show your ex that you’re improving. You want to be the best choice for your ex, and so you have to do actual work, not just wait and hope for your ex to come back to you. And I’m actually working on an ex back boot camp right now that I call breakup to make up, and I specifically made it a boot camp for 10 days, because it’s so important that you keep on focusing on yourself and improving yourself, because that is the only way how you can get your ex back.
And then lastly we have something that is called smart contact. Trademark! I apologize. I think I didn’t say trademark in the beginning of the video. So yes, someone literally trademarked the approach of not talking to your ex. So they call this… you only contact them when they message you and only when it is important. Well, it makes sense. Obviously, you don’t message your ex for every small detail. You should only reach out for example if let’s say you have kids and you have to take care of something important, like your kid has to go on a summer camp, or get enrolled in school, or maybe you still have an old dog that you have to give her, or some things that belong to her. You know, that would be a reason why you would reach out to her because you have to, but not because you want to. It’s just because it’s a necessity, right? So doing it smart.
Smart contact trademark. So as you can see there are so many different ways and it gets really confusing. The bottom line is the way that I see no contact is you don’t talk to your ex. You don’t reach out to her but if she reaches out to you then you’re good to respond to her because it shows that she has interest and attraction for you again. And what you do while you’re doing no contact, while you are not talking to her, you keep working on yourself, your passion, your purpose, your contribution goals. I call this your Dharma, but actually, in Hinduism it is called Dharma.
And this sweet spot where you reach your passion, your purpose, and your contribution goals, the things that you want to do for your community, this is where you become an amazing king. You want to unleash the king within and that is the point when your ex wants to get back with you. Now I just want to briefly go into some principles and psychological biases why the no contact rule works so well. And like I said, I’m working on a bootcamp right now where I go into this into more detail so let me just read some of the things that I think are some of the best psychological effects and biases that prove why the no contact rule works.
Number one, we have something called reactance. Essentially, what it means is we don’t like to have our freedom being taken away from us. We don’t like to be told what to do. So if you don’t contact your ex, she will want to contact you because she thought that she can reach out to you all the time and she can have you even though you broke up. But that’s not the case. So reactance makes her want to reach out to you again.
Then we have the scarcity principle. Essentially, things that are hard to gain, hard to obtain, they increase in value. So for example, if you are at a party and you’re not that easy to get, if you don’t drool all over every woman, the women will want to talk to you. In the same way if you stop begging and pleading you become more scarce, and then your ex might think “Well, is he dating someone else? What’s going on? He’s becoming more valuable because he’s becoming scarce. Has he found someone else?”
Fading Affect Bias
Then we have one thing that is super important, the fading affect bias. So the fading affect bias basically suggests that memories especially bad memories actually reduce in negativity over time. So what that means is that the longer time passes from a negative event, the more positive we look back to that event. So a breakup obviously is one of the worst events in your life that you can have. So it’s a very negative event. So the sweet spot with the fading affect bias, roughly, is one year. So after one year, you have the biggest reduction of negative emotions about the negative thing that happened.
So after one year your ex will have the least negative view of your breakup, or you. But it also starts much sooner already. So roughly three and a half months after the breakup is probably the sweet spot where most exes come back and then it gets even bigger long term, four and a half years is the hugest effect, but obviously three and a half months to one year is the best time when the fading affect takes precedent and when your ex starts to realize “Well, these things were not so bad. Let me reach out to him. Let me see what’s going on with him.”
Mere Exposure Effect
Then we have something called the mere exposure effect, which essentially says that we prefer things that we are familiar with. So obviously, your ex is familiar with your relationship and that is why she comes back to you because that is much more familiar than some guy that she just met. She doesn’t know how he sucks. She doesn’t know if he’s right for her. So obviously, she knows all your good qualities, even though there were some bad ones, and that’s why she comes back to you.
In the same way, very similar, we have something called the ambiguity effect, which is kind of the same thing that we prefer options that are known to us, but in this case we prefer them because they are less risky. So because your ex knows what you’re like, there’s less risk involved. To give you an extreme example: Your ex could meet another guy and this guy could be a rapist. He could be a really awful guy. He could be abusive. Whatever. So the ambiguity effect suggests that because she knows you and she knows that you’re less risky, you are higher on her priority scale.
And then lastly, I want to mention something called the endowment effect. Essentially, what that effect suggests, that is once we own something or once we feel like we have ownership over something, we value it a lot more and we are afraid of losing it. So a relationship, while you don’t own your partner, it kind of feels that way. It feels like they are a part of you, especially the longer you’ve been together due to something called attachment theory. You build a really strong bond with your partner. So you feel like you own them. They are a part of you. They are part of your soul, your heart. You really care about them.
So in that sense, because you have such a strong bond, you are more afraid to lose them and what this endowment effect also suggests is that we would rather not lose that thing that we have ownership over, rather than obtaining something that we don’t have ownership over yet. So what that means is that if your ex just met some guy, she doesn’t really know him. She’s not really invested in him. She does not own him in her heart and so she’s not that interested in obtaining him, whereas she’s much more scared to lose you because you’re close to her heart. Alright, so now we went through a lot of biases.
I know this was a lot of information. I will make more videos about each one of these effects in the future. Once I reach 1000 subs. So don’t forget to subscribe. Now let’s get into a situation of a guy who wants his ex back.
Situational Dating Advice
So he says: “Hi coach, I need your advice. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. I really messed up when we had an argument. She got upset and said that I wasn’t making enough of an effort to go see her and I got very offended and angry at her for saying that because I felt as if she wasn’t relating to my busy work schedule. I did say some rather rude things and said that she was overreacting. Long story short, I really didn’t handle our argument well, and she eventually broke up with me two days later.”
So this is not a good way to go. If your girlfriend needs attention from you, you don’t necessarily stop working. So if you have a busy work schedule, she can understand that you have to do your work unless she’s incredibly insecure, but you just have to give her some affirmation and validation. She’s essentially just doing something that is called a bid for attention. A bid for connection. What that means is she wants to see that she matters to you. So all you have to do in the case like this often, is just acknowledge her.
So, for example, if she messages you during the day, reply to her, take two minutes, one minute out of your busy schedule to say “Hey, can’t wait to see you. I’m doing this right now. What are you up to?” Something like that. It doesn’t need to be a lot of texting. You just need to acknowledge that you are there for her, and that you are her boyfriend, and you care about her. And ultimately, it just shows that she cares about you, and obviously, you have to make time for your girlfriend, also after work, but you don’t also have to do this all the time. It’s just that you have to make it a regular habit and ritual to reconnect with your girlfriend because that’s what she wants. She loves you. That’s why she wants to be with you. So you didn’t do that so well. In the future you have to improve this.
So he then says: “I really messed this one up. I overreacted and took her for granted. So after realizing my mistake, I begged her to forgive me and that I would make an effort to work less and make more time for the relationship, but she didn’t want to hear any of it and she pretty much ignored all my attempts at fixing my relationship.”
Well, so obviously the begging and pleading is not so well done, but obviously, you have to show her that you’re remorseful and I think the good thing is that you’ve shown her “Hey I made a mistake. I will make more time for us.” You should not do this again. You’ve told her what you’ve learned. You’ve learned your lesson. You’ve told her this once. This is enough. Now you need to stop the begging, pleading and don’t try to convince her in the future again. All you have to do now is wait for her to come back and you don’t have to repeat this over and over. “Hey, I made a mistake and I realized that I made this mistake, and this is what I did wrong, and please forgive me.” This is what a lot of guys do wrong after a breakup. They keep on reiterating how they screwed up. One time is enough. Two times, fine. Three times, no! You state your grievances, the things that you did wrong, your remorse, and then you move on and wait for her to realize “Okay, he learned his lesson. Fine. Let’s give it another shot.”
So he then says: “So after about a week of trying to talk to her multiple times I gave up and ever since then I have been doing no contact. It’s been 21 days now and earlier she sent me a message for the first time. She just asked ‘Hey, what are you doing? But I haven’t replied to it. I’m confused about what to do because it’s been less than 30 days of no contact and I am really scared that I will screw this up if I reply now. I’m essentially undoing my progress with no contact and I don’t want her to be reminded of her anger towards me. What do I do now? Can you please suggest to me how I should deal with the situation? Thanks so much, take care.”
Well, no, you’re not undoing your progress by talking to her. Obviously, if she’s reaching out to you it means that she’s reconsidering. No contact is not like I said something that you apply for a certain amount of time. You just do it until she reaches out to you and has re-evaluated the situation, which she clearly has. She’s asking “Hey, what are you doing?” so maybe she wants to hang out with you. If she asks you “Hey, what are you doing?” I would just reply really short with one sentence, or maybe two sentences. Like “I’m at the gym right now, working out. What are you up to?” …and that’s it. And then you just start the conversation and if she says something like “what are you doing?” she probably wants to do something with you.
Now, is she going to get angry again? Is she going to remember all the ways how you screwed up? Maybe, if you say and do the wrong things, but she will do the same thing after a month, or after two months, or three months, or one year. It doesn’t really matter as long as you say the wrong things, your ex will get angry again. So that is why you have to actually just work on yourself, reflect on the mistakes and you already told her that you reflected on the mistakes, so it looks like to me that she is realizing “okay, he learned his lesson. He understands that he needs to pay more attention to me.”
So now she’s probably thinking “Fine, let’s try this one more time and let me see if he gives me more attention this time. If he stops really working less. If he replies to me sooner. If I reach out to him or if he has more dates with me.” These kind of things. So you’re already on the right trajectory and so you shouldn’t box yourself into this ideology of okay I need to use no contact for a certain amount of time and I’m not going to reach out to her. I’m not going to message her even if she messages me. That is really dumb. That is just going to turn her away. That’s going to turn her off. It’s going to maybe agitate her, or disappoint her, because she feels like she’s been ghosted. Based on her personality that could piss her off or make her really sad. So what you have to do is just set up a date now. She messaged you. Perfect! She’s attracted again or at least interested.
So now all you have to do essentially is just facilitate for the next date to happen and then seduce her again. So now you essentially get to prove to her that you are a king and that she should get back together with you. And you can make her fall in love with you. Remember, it’s all about unleashing the king within because once your ex sees the king within you she wants to get back to you. So all you have to do is hang out, make out with her, have some fun, do the same things that you used to do. Don’t have drama. Don’t talk about the problems. They will come up eventually probably, but if they don’t even come up, don’t even mention them. That’s all you have to do.
So that’s my advice for you. Keep it simple! Don’t overthink this. Don’t think you have to follow a certain formula. She came back to you, that’s all that matters! Send her a message. Don’t ghost her. Make her happy. Make her excited by talking to you again. So that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what do you think about this. What’s your take on it? What should he do? Obviously, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.