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Hi I’m coach Andy Graziosi and I help you unleash your confidence and become the man that women love. Stay a while and listen. We have a great topic today and that is a very common scenario of a guy who screwed up with a girl. What did he do? He started begging and pleading, she got turned off, now she’s into someone else and he wants her back. So let’s see how we can resolve this issue and one important thing that you will see when you watch my channel is I often iterate between getting your ex back and just general attraction.
The reason why I do that is because both of them are actually the same thing. In the end, both of them are matters of attraction. In both cases you need to prove to a woman that you got what it takes, you’re awesome, that she should be with you. Whether you have to prove yourself to a woman for the first time when she just met you, or you have to prove yourself again after you screwed up, or you have to prove yourself to her continuously because you are in a relationship, and relationships take work and you have to prove that you are worthy to be with that person…
It all boils down to the same thing and that is that we as men need to be kings, we need to value ourselves, we need to love ourselves, we need to be confident and then we show that to the woman that we love and then the woman has no other choice but to date us because other men, they’re tyrants, they’re weak, they’re betas, and why would anyone choose a beta male when we can date a king? So let me read his message and then let’s see what happened there.
He says: “Hey, me and my baby mother have been broken up for nine months now. I’m 29, she is 23, and she is talking to another 23 year old guy in America. He came here, they had sex, but I want her back. I love her, and she was crazy in love with me. We were together for eight years but officially only three.“
So I don’t know what that means but if you’ve been together for eight years, maybe it was not public, or it wasn’t exclusive yet. Who knows what that means, but if you’ve been together in total for eight years that tells me that you are very, very attached to each other and obviously, that’s you on your side because you want her back. You have to realize though that she also was with you for eight years, so she has a lot of attachments, and bonds, and memories with you. That is something that we should not neglect.
So we can see the scenario already here, there’s another guy in the picture, he’s 23 years old, he’s younger than you, so he still has a lot of things to experience and to learn. So chances are that you have an advantage here. A double advantage actually. You’re older, you’re more experienced, you’re probably calmer. You know how to handle certain situations better. Plus, you have history. So those are two things that are actually on your side, so just something to establish here.
The then says: “I wasn’t treating her right. I wasn’t working and got insecure and disrespectful and when she left me, I begged and pleaded for so many months. So I pushed her away even further.” So I don’t know if you mean you weren’t working literally, like not having a job, but it seems like that way and then you got insecure and disrespectful and of course, that happened because what happens when you don’t have a job, you start feeling really bad about yourself because you feel like maybe you’re not good enough. Maybe you’re not good enough to have a job. Maybe nobody wants to hire you. Your self-esteem basically takes a hit and when your self-esteem takes a hit, you let it out on other people and who’s the person that you’re most likely to let it out on? The person that you’re with. And you did exactly that.
You became insecure and disrespectful to her, she had enough of it, you didn’t realize that she was having enough of it, eventually you broke up then you realize “Oh shit I really made a mistake here. Why did I treat her like that? That was all in my head! It was all my own fault and now I have to deal with the consequences.” Now you’re dealing with the consequences.
So then he says: “I know she loves me but the feeling is just not there right now, so I’m starting to focus on myself and to achieve my goals. Sometimes she shows me hot and cold signals, like a couple of days ago she sent me a picture in just her panties and now she has gone cold again. We live about half an hour drive apart from one another. This hot and cold behavior has been going on, but as I said, my needy behavior pushed her away even more. I think I just got too low for her and that I need to work on myself.”
Absolutely, so that’s what you’re doing right now. You’re working on your purpose. You said you’re starting to work on yourself and you can actually see: She’s kind of not yet sure what to do. She’s indecisive. So even though you’re screwing up, she is still trying to make things work and maybe that is partly also now because she is starting to see some changes with you since you said you’re trying to focus more on yourself and achieve your goals. Maybe she’s realizing “he’s no longer begging and pleading, now all of a sudden he seems to be busy with something else. What is it? Can I trust him again?”
Remember: A woman who trusts, discovers her lust. She needs to figure out if she can trust you again. Now, if you keep on working on yourself and you don’t screw up and she comes back… now it seems she’s probably cold, so give her some time let her come back and when you then don’t screw up and you got your stuff figured out and know what you want to do, you have your job again, and whatever is important… other things that are important to you, then she can trust you and then she will be attracted to you.
So he says: “Right now she and the other guy have problems like she’s posting things on her status and one time she called to talk to my son. She also told her cousin that she gave the other guy her Instagram password and she thinks the other guy is starting to feel insecure.”
It’s not not too surprising. So you can see the other guy also has insecurity issues. So what does it tell us? He’s not that different from you. That’s what you were at least when things didn’t work out and it’s very common. So unless we work on ourselves, we basically date the same partner over and over and so you are obviously the person who felt the heartbreak, the breakup. You wanted her back. You were begging and pleading, so obviously you have more motivation to change. That is your biggest superpower right now because you can become a different person and then when she sees those changes she will naturally want you over that other man because you are much more healed.
I don’t know how unhealed she is and how many negative habits she has, but obviously she still gets attracted to insecure men. That doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s something wrong with her, obviously, and after all you love her. But she has a habit of attracting insecure men and obviously anyone would want to be with someone who’s secure. So you right now are in a position to change yourself and be as secure as possible, and give her that security that she herself of course wants as well.
So then he says “We don’t talk about him because I made it clear that I don’t want that so she won’t come to me about him.“
Very good! So if she’s dating someone else and you know you broke up and you begged and pleaded, why would you allow her to come to you. It’s exactly like you said. I don’t want to hear about this. Whether you say that because you just don’t want to hear it in general, or you still have feelings for her, whatever you have to be strong and say “hey this is not what I want. You’re not giving me what I want. I’m not here to be your therapist. I’m here because I love you and I understand right now you don’t want that. That’s cool but I also don’t want to be here to listen to the other shit from this guy who also doesn’t have his shit together, because that time is behind me. I’m a changed man. I’m changing myself and I used to be just like that guy that you’re complaining about. I don’t need anything of that. I’m a different guy and go to someone else with that insecure bullshit because I don’t do this anymore.“
So good thing for you for having your boundaries and saying clearly what you want and what you don’t want!
So then he says: “I feel like I really messed up when she left me, so she is going to be overly into him. Plus, you know women are into hypergamy. She feels he’s overseas, so she wants to get married and all these things and she’s over focused on him.”
So he’s not in the US? I’m confused.. anyway. Women are into hypergamy, yeah sure! So what he’s saying is women want an incredible man to date. Actually, anyone should be into hypergamy. So hypergamy means dating high status people and for women it’s actually more true than for men. Men care more about visuals. Women always care more about the status. The social status. And there’s plenty of studies about this. So you’re right that women care about dating a man who gives them social status. I always say “social proof creates more social proof“.
Once people can see that you are well-respected in your community, women like you. Women gravitate around you, that creates social proof and that then snowballs and gives you even more social proof. So for example, if a fairly attractive woman is into you, then even more attractive women will like you. Social proof creates more social proof. So yes you’re correct and that’s exactly why you are doing the right thing here: Focusing on yourself. You know you messed up. You need to change something and we don’t know exactly what’s going on with that other guy but he also has insecurity issues so he’s also not the perfect choice.
If you are into hypergamy, you want a high social status person. If he would be so so high social status, he wouldn’t feel insecure. So obviously, you have an advantage. You’re older, you know what you want, you’re working on it, you have history, and in terms of social status I think you’re roughly the same, and you’re older. So maybe you have more money, more savings, more experience to level up your career. So you shouldn’t feel like you’re in a losing position because as soon as you think that you are in a losing position, you’re gonna screw up.
And essentially the only thing that needs to happen is that that the guy screws up and she has enough of him like she had enough of you, and then she realizes “wait let me see if you changed and try it out again” and then once you’ve changed
you already won. Game over for him. For you it’s game restart or whatever you want to call it.
Alright, so then he says to wrap it up: “As I said, I did a lot of wrong things after the breakup, so that attraction was gone even more with the neediness and begging. Now I’m focusing on my son and getting a new job and I also exercise.“
“I want to use the job to set up other streams of income so that’s what I’m focusing on right now.“
Dude, that’s awesome. One thing that I always say is “a man who knows himself is known by countless women“
Obviously, you want to be with that specific woman. Now, you’re working on yourself. You actually understand that you screwed up and that the attraction is gone. So you can see: He’s very self-aware. He knows how he messed up so all he has to do is essentially keep working keep on exercising, look good, look healthy, look fit, look confident and then all those other streams of income… that’s perfect man! If she wants stability, that’s exactly what you need to offer her! Become that man. Become a king. And then over time, either you will get her back, or you will get someone else back.
Okay, that is essentially my final verdict now. If this was helpful, let me know in the comments what you think. Let me know if you agree with this take or maybe you don’t. Of course, if it was very helpful for you, also smash that like button, subscribe on my YouTube channel and follow my other social profiles. If you need even more help, here are some other ways how I can support you:
First of all, you can download my couples canvas, which is completely free to gain some instant dating clarity or you can buy my book Unleash The King Within. In that book, I talk a lot about these things. These principles about strength. Masculine strength. Knowing yourself. Knowing your identity. And it’s basically a book to learn how to attract the most attractive women and it’s all about your mindset up here. You don’t have to be the fitness guy with super muscles. Look at me. I’m not very fit, but I know how to talk to women. Well, I used to know how to talk to women. My girlfriend would kill me if I would now talk to women. You get the idea. And I used to be just like that. That the mindset wasn’t there. And I didn’t know how to talk to women. And then I worked on myself and Bam! I started talking to models, and influencers and really attractive beautiful women, and you can do the same. So if that sounds interesting, go to Amazon, grab this book.
You can also join our men’s self-help group Mentality Monday. Super epic! Every Monday, we get together for an epic zoom call to talk about what’s real for us we help to relate to each other to learn that it’s okay to have struggles and to learn that we don’t have to compare ourselves to other men. It’s a great place to grow as a man. We also have a book club where we discuss common new ideas what it means to be a better man.
And aside from that, if you want the best of my dating advice, you can buy my Confidence King training program, or of course, you can always book a coaching session with me and with that, that’s my final verdict.
Again, I’m Andy Graziosi. I help you unleash your confidence and become the man that women love, and I will see all you kings in the next video until kingdom come.