Hot and cold narcissist: No contact with a narcissist ex & signs she’s using you for attention

Oct 30, 2021 | Breakup Advice & Get Your Ex Back, Toxic Relationships

Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

What’s up, kings? Grab your favorite drink. In this video we’re going to talk about something that some of you probably don’t want to hear about, which is sometimes your exes really suck and they are using you. So if you’ve never heard of narcissism or behavior patterns of a narcissist then you kind of have the problem that sometimes you get your hopes up and you get really excited when your ex reaches out to you but the truth is that these signs are actually something bad because a normal loving person, they just want attention and validation from you because they love you, however, a narcissistic person, a person with highly narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder, they use you not for the sake of love and loving validation, they only use you for something that is called supply. What that means is that they essentially just use you like an object to feed their narcissistic egos.

So of course, when you hear from your ex you’re very excited and you think, you can, maybe we can, maybe you can rekindle, maybe you can set up some dates, but with a narcissistic ex it always comes down to the same thing. They’re gonna go hot and cold. They’re gonna ghost you. They’re never gonna give you what you want and they will probably also blame a lot of things on you. They will make you feel like shit and so I got a message from a guy, it’s probably gonna be my longest video I have ever made, but it’s so important because you need to know when you’re dealing with a narcissistic ex so that you can differentiate between an ex who actually loves you and wants you back versus an ex who’s just using you for attention. So let’s get right into the message and let’s see what he has to say. I got a message from a guy who essentially has an ex that is highly narcissistic but he doesn’t realize it and that’s why he’s hurting a lot.

So he says: “Hi coach, please help me. I am desperate and extremely confused about my ex who sends me a lot of mixed signals. I am close to giving up with no contact and trying to get my ex back. For reference, my ex-girlfriend and I broke up almost 3 years ago. Our breakup was anything but pretty. The last months prior to our breakup were full of arguments, withdrawal of affection from her side, and lots of times when my ex would make me jealous or do shady stuff like going clubbing and making me extremely jealous in the process.

So you can see there are a lot of toxic behaviors here and you could be right to think that your ex was sort of justified in doing these things because you didn’t make her happy. And if you read some relationship books you will realize “okay this is what I did wrong and this is what I did wrong” … that doesn’t mean that what she did is right but at least you can kind of reason and understand why she did that. But a narcissist will do these negative and really toxic things like making you jealous or withdrawing affection and so on so forth not because they just feel not treated well, but they do it on purpose because they want to control you and have power over you. So, but at this point, he doesn’t really know that yet. You can’t really know that, of course. Only if you see a pattern and if you recognize the pattern.

So he then says: “After our breakup, our separation was pretty much cut and dry. There was immediately no contact. I was the one who ended things with her but after breaking up I became very desperate and needy and begged her to give me another chance. I couldn’t deal with the anxiety and thought that I had made a big mistake breaking up with her but she was just completely done with me. She acted almost as if I didn’t exist and she treated our relationship like it never mattered. I was torn to pieces to learn how little the relationship meant to her and no matter what I tried she wouldn’t try to reconcile anything. Not even as much as to give me closure by telling me her side of the story. She just disappeared and became a ghost.

So the ex has just gone out of nowhere and it’s complete silence, basically. Obviously, these scenarios happen quite often in relationships but typically it’s not that extreme. She was just off the face of the earth and this actually has a name in the narcissism spectrum. We call this a discard. When the narc just discards you and you just are treated like an object that never existed. You’re just being thrown into the garbage can and sayonara! And typically what also often happens then is that the ex starts dating someone else right away as if they have been lining up your replacement for the longest time. But again the problem is you don’t necessarily realize that it was a discard because you haven’t experienced the pattern yet and so it’s kind of hard to figure out “is my ex a narcissist or is she just really pissed with me and she’s justified in treating me this way?

Now, she was really going out of her way to treat you like you didn’t exist. No closure. No discussion. Nothing. Just ghosting. So there is more signs that this is a narcissistic discard even though it was you who broke up, because you then realized you made a mistake and you wanted to talk about it but she was just unreachable.

So he then says: “Because she just disappeared from the face of the world, I was extremely anxious and had a lot of panic attacks. I couldn’t cope with the situation but fortunately, I started reading some self-help books to help me improve myself (nice!) and I read a few relationships books which really helped me recognize why her and I treated each other so poorly from time to time.

Awesome! So you’re recognizing your flaws and the things that you did wrong. So now you’re ready for a new relationship or we can rethink the relationship with your ex if you can make it work.

He then says: “The problem that I am faced with is that my ex keeps on messaging me every now and then. At first, the reasons why she messaged me were extremely random but I was excited to hear from her. I felt validated and thought that I could grab the chance to convince her to get back together.

And I’m sure most of you will think the same way. Obviously, that is exactly how it should happen, that your ex reaches out to you after no contact and then you set up a date. And that’s perfect! But with a narcissistic ex, it’s just another way to get more abuse from her.

So he says: “The first time she messaged me I set up a date with her to meet in the town where we both used to meet. That was about five months after our breakup.” So a lot of time has passed.

What was really interesting was that before we met up she messaged me to ask for a favor if I could bring her something. I said I was busy and couldn’t find the time to bring her anything because I had to travel from one place to another without pause. The truth is I lied about that. I didn’t want to be her chauffeur. After all, she acted like I didn’t even exist and I also didn’t want to give her more power than she already had.

That was the right move. Whether you deal with a narcissistic ex or just a normal ex, if you have been broken up with, or you broke up and then she doesn’t care about you, well that means she doesn’t get any favors. You’re not gonna treat her like she’s your girlfriend. If she needs something, order it fucking online. It’s not that fucking hard! You know, why would you go to your ex for that? It’s just a power play to figure out “Can I walk all over you? How much do you care about me? Who has more power in this situation?” and obviously, with a narcissistic ex they do this much more calculated. They do this really to very precisely calculate how much can I manipulate you.

He then says: “Right after that, a friend of mine messaged me asking me ‘yo bro where are you at?’ which was so obvious that she had asked him to ask me where I was staying because him and I weren’t close at all and we almost never talked. When I realized that she was trying to spy on me I got super excited and laughed like crazy. I felt that no contact was finally working and I felt like on cloud nine.

Now, that’s justified with a normal loving ex. You would think that “wow she really cares about me. She’s trying to figure out what’s going on. She’s kind of spying on me with friends so she’s still invested.” But in this case what you don’t know is this guy, your friend, whom you’re not close with is what we call a “flying monkey“… The people that narcissistic exes use to do their bidding for them. To do their manipulation. To do their gaslighting. To do certain favors here and there. To spy on people for them. This is what we call a narcissist and this is what we call a flying monkey. Very codependent people who will do whatever the narcissist asks them to do so that the narcissist gets whatever she wants.

So, well, you have to preface everything here actually with the fact that the ex is a narcissistic ex. Otherwise, you would have to think that probably she is invested in you. That’s the tricky part with narcissistic exes. What is it? Does she care about me or is she using me? In this case, I can just tell you straight up it’s a flying monkey because the ex is narcissistic because we can see a pattern that repeats over and over.

So he then says: “Fast forward when we met up, we had a fancy dinner date and we talked a lot about how much we had changed.

It’s typical! You know, it’s like the competition of who’s doing better after the breakup? Everyone does that and we want to show our ex that we’re doing so much better without them and that it doesn’t affect us so much. Kind of natural. So you’re doing like your… you know, dick-measuring contest, sort of. You’re at least showing your dick. How much have I improved. She’s also doing it. It’s fine. It happens.

He then says: “She told me a lot about her plans to start her own clothing store. Unfortunately, she also said a lot of negative things about me, suggesting that I wasn’t a good boyfriend and that she is happy that she is no longer dating me, and that dating me was one of the biggest mistakes she had ever made. I felt defeated. I tried to reconcile with her and I saw her one more time a few days before I was about to leave. I apologized and said sorry for all my mistakes but she was extremely cold and didn’t even really respond to it.

So now you’re meeting up with your ex and what does she do? She talks shit about you. She puts you down. She’s trying to make you feel bad about yourself. This is what is called the devalue. The devalue phase. A normal ex would not be doing this. Maybe she would say like here and there a few things what she feels like how you didn’t make her happy but she wouldn’t just slam it right into your face just to let you know “Look, this is why you suck. Please submit to me and realize what a piece of shit you are.” She’s doing that so that you feel bad about yourself, so that she can manipulate you. So he then says… Yeah, so basically, she didn’t respond to his apology because she doesn’t care about your apology. She just cares about using you for attention.

He says: “I didn’t expect to hear from her afterward because she was negative about everything but maybe another six months had passed and she sent me another message asking me for the most random favor. She wanted some help with designing some logo and I was very happy to hear from her. Not because of the favor but because it was clearly a made-up reason to message me. I used to be a graphic designer a long long time ago so she said she asked me for help because she knew I was good at it but I knew that she didn’t make sense. I knew that this didn’t make sense. Why ask me?! She could have asked literally anyone on the planet. So I had my hopes up high that she was reaching out because she wanted to talk to me. I said I couldn’t help her because logo design wasn’t my strength but we talked for a little bit. We just caught up but nothing further happened because we lived in different cities.

Now, obviously, if it would be normal ex, she would just be using this because she wants to get close to you but this ex is just doing it to keep tabs on you and trying to figure out what’s going on with you.

He then says: “Ever since then she has been messaging me multiple times.

So this is where it gets important. Now you will see that there is a pattern with narcissism. You have to observe a pattern.

He says: “Ever since then she has messaged me multiple times, roughly every four to five months about us and inquiring about our relationship. This is where it gets confusing. Whenever she messages me she says that she has been thinking about us, which makes my heart flutter. I always get my hopes up when she reaches out. She always says she’s been trying to figure out where we went wrong and since I read some relationship books since breaking up, I would tell her a little bit about my side of the story. I also sent her an old letter I wrote to reflect on my mistakes. She said ‘Wow this is beautiful! Thank you (with a heart emoji)’ and I kept on encouraging her to first reflect on her mistakes herself before we have a deeper conversation about this issue because I don’t think it is useful to throw subjective blame at another person. She keeps on doing this. She always says ‘you did this wrong’, ‘you mistreated me like that’, ‘I had no other choice but to break up with you’…

So his ex is always putting all the blame on him rather than looking inwards and she repeats this multiple times, roughly every four to five months. You, on the other hand, say: “Look, I’ve been reflecting on myself. I’ve been reading some books and this is what I did wrong. Now I think you should also do some reflection yourself and then let’s have a better, deeper conversation about this once you’re ready for it.” That’s the reasonable approach and this is what an ex who really loves you, who’s not narcissistic, would do. She would reflect on her own mistakes.

But she is always projecting away and saying you are at fault. This is what you did wrong! Because this is the only way how she can control you. I’m not doubting that you did things wrong. You clearly did things wrong. We both always do something wrong in a relationship, especially when we have a lot of fights. It becomes a vicious cycle and it spirals out of control. And you know, who started it doesn’t really matter. Who had the last fuckup doesn’t matter, but obviously, she is not taking accountability for her own mistakes and that is a huge red flag for any relationship. You shouldn’t get back with an ex if your ex isn’t willing to see “hey here’s what I did wrong. I need to rectify this.” She’s not willing to do that. She’s pretending that she’s willing to do that but when you tell her “hey try to do some reflection on your own mistakes“, nothing happens. It’s narcissism.

So he then says: “The worst part is not the blame because I am happy that while she hasn’t done as much deep inner work as I have at least I am seeing a glimmer of hope, a light at the end of the tunnel, sort of, that’s showing me that she’s trying to better herself. But this keeps on going in circles for the longest time. The truly bad part is that I feel really guilty. I have dated two girls since then and it’s almost as if my ex can mind read when I’m about to move on and starting to get comfortable with another girl. It’s not like I post much on my social media about this. Maybe she could figure out that I am dating someone else but I think probably not since it was early casual dating.

Exes always come back when they can figure out that you’re moving on and typically they come back because they want to know what’s going on. Am I losing him? And they do this from a good place because they love you and they miss you. Narcissistic exes only do this, they calculate it, because they realize they’re losing control. It’s all about control. And if they’re losing control, what’s gonna happen? What’s going to happen if they lose control over you? You are going to move on. And you’ve been dating two girls. Maybe they were great but then ta-da! The ex comes back at the worst time possible making it impossible for you to move on. It really sucks, doesn’t it?! You must be very, very confused and she’s doing that on purpose because she wants to prevent you from moving on, because she doesn’t care about you. She just wants to make sure that she has one more guy that she can abuse and get favors from and whatever, whenever she feels like it. But the problem is obviously you’re hoping for that glimmer of hope, the light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s understandable but the problem is you’re not realizing that this ex, in particular, isn’t reaching out to you because she cares. She’s reaching out because she needs her supply. She needs her ego boost.

So he then says he says: “I have been having a hard time to commit to these girls because my ex always messages me at the worst of times and I feel terrible about it. I know it is not fair to the two women I dated. I thought I was finally over my ex with the new girl I dated a few months ago but my ex came back again. But again she didn’t commit to anything like a date. Actually, this was when it hit me the worst.

So she’s not committing to anything. So she’s sending you some signals hot and cold, but then she’s not following up on anything. So that shows you that she’s just doing it to get her ego boost. “Does he still care about me?” She wants to know: “Can I come to you whenever I feel like it and you’re gonna stop what you’re doing and treat me nicely?

So he then says: “So this is when it hit me the worst. She said again that she was thinking about our relationship.

There we have the pattern!

The problem was that I knew she was dating someone else.

Cheating! This is called monkey branching. The new supply, the new guy that she’s with is not making her happy, so she’s lining up the replacement. And who’s always the replacement for a narcissist? It’s always the last ex who used to suck but somehow doesn’t suck as much as the current person that they’re with. So she’s monkey branching.

So he says: “The problem was that I knew that she was dating someone else. So I told her that I cannot talk about it because I was still in love with her.”

Now you’re becoming weak, you’re giving in.

She said that she respects my feelings and we didn’t talk any further about it but I think part of me panicked a lot when I realized that I had turned her down, especially since she was dating someone else. I was afraid that this would mean she would be moving on because I sent the wrong signal. So I sent her a message after a week had passed in the spurt of neediness and told her that I was ready to have a more in-depth conversation about us. I decided that I had to take the high road and accept that she wouldn’t open up about her own shortcomings in a relationship unless I would extend the olive branch. This is where it gets really painful and humiliating. Ever since then I’ve been ghosted. She didn’t even reply to it.

So as soon as you give her what she wants, the validation, the ego boost, what we call the supply, all of a sudden she doesn’t need to know anymore what went wrong between the two of you. What a big coincidence?! That shows you that she was just using you all this time and this has been going on for three years. You’re extremely confused about it. You can’t move on with your life and you’re stuck with this. What are you supposed to do? You have to realize that this ex does not care about you. She just cares about using you as much as possible. She sees you like an object. That hurts to realize that truth but sometimes it’s just the truth and we have to move on and realize that our ex really fucking sucks! I’m sorry dude, but you have to realize that.

He then says to wrap it up: “She has been messaging me about this over and over for almost three years and I kept on getting my hopes up only to crush them with her cold behavior. It’s like the day when I broke up with her. She’s gone again like a ghost as if it never existed. I don’t know what I should do. Did I make a mistake? Should I give her time to process everything? There’s a part of me who keeps on being confused and hoping that she’s trying to make up her mind and that the other guys she’s dating just aren’t making her happy. At the same time, I am starting to feel used. I want peace more than anything else. I can’t keep on dating other women and then have my ex come back in the worst time imaginable. How can I make her commit to a relationship or reconciliation?

Well, you can’t. And the fact that she’s doing basically sort of ghosting again just like when you broke up, it’s the same pattern. You don’t exist. You don’t exist to her until it becomes convenient again. Then she’s gonna be back again. I can guarantee you this ex will reach out in a year. Maybe she’s gonna ghost you. She won’t even answer to this. She all of a sudden doesn’t want to talk about the relationship, after you finally agreed to it and you kind of became weak and told her that you still love her, so that’s her ego boost that she needed. Now she can probably think “Yeah he still cares about me. See ya in a year from now!” She can fuck whoever she wants to fuck and once she realizes again the people who are not making her happy, the men who are not making her happy, she will reach out.

And make no mistake: The other men who are not making her happy, they are probably nice guys. Great kind-hearted guys just like you. Because it’s never about them. It was never about you. It’s about your ex who just can’t commit to a healthy non-toxic relationship. And she’s just using men left and right. What you need to do, is most likely what I would suggest to you is you have two options: You probably don’t want to accept yet that she’s a narcissist so what you do is something called gray rock. You don’t engage anymore. When she messages you, you just ignore it or you give her the most boring lackluster answer you could possibly give because narcs essentially just want supply. Anything that shows them that you still care about them is something that they value. So if you don’t show that you care, then she’s gonna disappear. I guarantee you she will eventually disappear very, very quickly. And she will make no effort.

Someone who cares is going to make an effort and realize that she made a mistake and eventually probably say “Hey I’ve been thinking here’s what I did wrong blah blah blah blah blah.” You know, “I want us to talk about this.” You have some time to talk about this. But a narc will just realize that supply is running out. The supply is no longer manipulatable and she’s gonna run away, or number two you block her. Because you just educate yourself more about narcissism and you realize “Holy shit! How could I ever deal with this woman?! She doesn’t care about me at all. She treats me like trash. I deserve so much better! Like the two women that I’ve been dating.” And so now the question with which I want to wrap up this video is of course, the hard part is how do you know that your ex is a narcissist? The truth is it’s very hard. It’s very hard to figure out if an ex is a narcissist because we always try to keep our hopes up and get our hopes up whenever our narcs reaches out to us. The best thing you can do is: Number one, educate yourself about narcissistic behavior patterns.

Or number two, and I believe this for anybody, even myself if I would be dealing with a narcissistic ex. I would suggest to myself to go to a coach, to a therapist. And I actually did this in the past. I had to deal with something like this in the past because you can’t think clearly about your own situation. It’s even worse with a narcissistic ex because you always think so subjectively that it’s very hard to see things for what they are. So obviously, this sounds a bit biased but it’s really the truth. If you’re dealing with continuous hot and cold and it’s not getting anywhere, there is a high probability that your ex is actually narcissistic or has narcissistic behavior traits and it means that you should probably consult with me to figure out well, is there actually hope here or is she just using you for attention? And in this case, I’m sorry to say it, dude, she’s just using you for attention. So it’s time to move on and commit to these great women that you have been having a great time with but I guess it didn’t work out with because your ex tried to manipulate you and get back into the picture, just so that you would not move on. And don’t pause your life for this woman. You deserve so much better.

I hope that was helpful and of course, give me a thumbs up for this video if you liked it. Subscribe to my channel let me know in the comments below if you agree with this take or you don’t. What should he do? What’s your take on this? What do you think about his ex? Of course, if you need some more help you can get my book “Unleash The King Within” from Amazon, you can enroll into my training programs “Confidence King” or “Financial Freedom King” and of course, you can always book a coaching session with me. And with that, I will see all of you kings in the next video. I’m Andy Graziosi and I help you unleash your confidence and become the man that women love. See you, kings.

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