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How to be alpha with an ex: Take them off the pedestal and overcome oneitis during no contact rule

Dec 12, 2021 | Breakup Advice & Get Your Ex Back

Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

What is up, kings? Today we’re going to talk about taking your woman off the pedestal. It’s all about being an alpha. It is all about unleashing the king within. So in the context of a breakup, a woman wants to see that she can trust you and I have this one phrase that I really like which is “if she can deceive she’s going to leave” A woman does not want to see that she can manipulate you. If she can tell that she can just wrap you around her fingers, she is not going to want to get back with you. So in this video, I have a situation from a guy who’s putting his ex-girlfriend way too much on a pedestal. He thinks that she’s really incredible and because of that, he’s being too nice to her. And that way he’s going to reduce his chances.

If you think about it with breakups I get it… You broke your girlfriend’s heart. For some reason, she doesn’t trust you anymore. For some reason, she doesn’t love you anymore. For some reason, she broke up. Maybe you did something awful. For some reason, you broke her trust. But if she then doesn’t want to get you back and doesn’t want to give you another chance for whatever didn’t work out, that in a way is also a betrayal of trust. Your trust. So in the same way, she needs to earn your trust as well, just as you need to earn her trust. Alright so let’s get into the situation of this guy. Let’s get right into it.

He says: “Hi coach, please help me with my ex-girlfriend who completely ignores me and rejects all my attempts at trying to get back together with her. She broke up with me half a year ago after she said that I had become too insecure and that she felt pressured by me. That I wasn’t giving her enough room to spend time with her friends. I understand what she means but at the same time we were a couple and we had been living together for nearly a year. We moved in together very soon after we became an ‘official couple’. I felt it would be natural to spend time with my girlfriend but over time I noticed she became colder in the relationship and as a result, I started pushing more and I admit that I became very insecure whenever she would spend time with her friends.

So like I said she felt like she can wrap you around her finger. Basically, if you don’t spend time with her, you became insecure. Even if you’re a couple, in a relationship you should still be able to have your own separate friends or be able to go out. Your girlfriend should be able to meet her friends for a lunch or for some hobby. Or whatever. Or get together. And likewise, you should also get together with your friends. But this is actually a problem with men. We often lack male support systems. So we don’t have that many friends in relationships. It’s typically the woman who has a lot of friends, even though they’re in a relationship. Men are kind of loners. We depend too much on the woman. So that doesn’t feel sexy to a woman. It doesn’t give her confidence in your strength. So that was the wrong way to go.

So he then says: “For your info, we had some problems with our communication during the relationship and there were several moments where my ex sat me down to told me things she did not like about me, like small things, such as my lack of cleanliness, but also bigger things like me getting jealous of some of her male co-workers. She became more and more distant with me and one day she gave me the dreadful ‘we need to talk’ speech. She said that she felt as if I don’t allow her to live her own life and that she thought she had to find happiness on her own and told me that she thought I should do the same and we’re not right for each other.

So it does sound to me that it was primarily your insecure behavior. Like I said you’re not being an alpha male. You’re putting her on a pedestal and she’s very clearly communicating what she doesn’t like. She told you the things that she didn’t like about you not being clean enough. She doesn’t like when you’re getting jealous of some male co-workers. She probably can’t do anything about some guys that she meets at work. I don’t know exactly what she did. Obviously, there’s always boundaries and limits to what’s okay, but maybe these were just normal co-workers at work. You becoming insecure, she feels that you are not happy with yourself and because of that you’re projecting it on to her. That doesn’t make her happy.

So it sounds to me that you kind of felt threatened by some guys that weren’t actually any threats to you. These male co-workers probably meant nothing to her. So she doesn’t feel safe around you and she can tell that there’s a kind of a disconnect between the two of you valuing each other. You should roughly value each other the same way but she’s clearly losing confidence in you. At the same time, you value her so much and it kind of doesn’t make sense. If you think about it, if you’re so insecure, if you’re so jealous of these guys, that means you’re not happy with her but at the same time, you value her so much. That’s kind of a disparity. It doesn’t make sense.

So he then says: “I was desperate when she broke up with me and I tried desperately to change her mind but she didn’t want to give me another chance. I promised her I would change but nothing I said made her change her mind.

Yeah, because you can’t show a woman that you’re going to change with your words. You have to change with your actions so if you’re just going to repeat the same insecurity and being all over her, annoying her with your insecurities, and she feels threatened, she feels smothered, she feels like she can’t have her own life… That just shows her that it was right to break up with you. So if you really want to prove to her that you’re going to change, stop messaging her for a while and show her that you’re not going to put her on a pedestal. Show her that you have your own life. Show her like she said, that you can be happy on your own. Because she believes that the only reason why you are with her most likely is because she feels that’s the only way how you can be happy.

So she doesn’t want to be with that kind of man. She wants to be with a man who feels strong where she can come back to, when she doesn’t feel good in life. When something isn’t working out and you are her foundation. But if she can tell that you’re not happy with yourself how can she come to you if she is having problems in her own life? Obviously, that won’t work.

So he then says: “The way she broke up was extremely harsh and after the breakup, we did not stay in touch. But before that, I tried several times to talk with her. After the breakup, I didn’t try to talk about our relationship. I just tried to reconnect with her and try to get us talking again but to no avail. Most of the time she would answer with one-liners and the last message I sent her went completely ignored by her.

Yeah, because she’s done with you at this point. Right now she doesn’t trust that you’re confident and you’re basically just chasing her more even though she’s the one who rejected you. So that shows her you don’t respect yourself enough. So of course, a woman wants to be with a man that she can respect but how can she respect you if you don’t even respect yourself? If she doesn’t want to be with you, the worst thing is you can chase her because what does that actually say about you? You shouldn’t be with someone who clearly doesn’t value you.

Now, I’m not saying that it is wrong to want her back and care for her, but you have to take a step back and also respect yourself and value yourself. And I have to recognize that it is also up to her to show you that she still cares about you. You’ve already shown her how you care about her but it didn’t work. She ignored it. So right now she doesn’t value you. So you need to start valuing yourself. You need to unleash the king within. Focus on yourself. Find the happiness within yourself. Within the things that make you happy. So it seems to me that when you were a couple there were a lot of things left to be desired in your life with your circle of friends, most likely. So you should probably get back to finding some hobbies. Hanging out more with your buddies, especially with your male friends. And just make sure that you have a well-rounded balanced life so that when she comes back she can see that and she can feel that you’re a lot more secure now.

So he then wraps it up by saying: “It’s now been seven months since our breakup and my birthday is coming up on December 18. Since it’s also Christmas, I was thinking to message her and giving her a small present that reminds her of our relationship. We used to play board games a lot. My ex especially loved chess, so I was thinking to buy her a nice chessboard. You know, I was thinking that it would be a great way to spend time together and play chess. Is it okay if I message her on my birthday or Christmas and send her a picture of the gift?

Nope! That is incredibly awful! Why would you give her a gift on your birthday or point it out on your birthday? I get it you’re thinking it’s about Christmas but it sounds to me that if Christmas wouldn’t be around the corner, you would still give her that gift. That makes no sense! If she is the one who didn’t value you, if she is the one who rejected you, if she’s the one who messed up, she should be giving you a gift because she screwed up. Yes, you screwed up but you clearly said you’re gonna change. You want to change your ways. I don’t know how long it’s been since you broke up. Maybe you’ve worked a little bit on yourself. It doesn’t seem like you did but she doesn’t know that. But she should assume she hasn’t heard from you for a while that you probably worked on yourself and she should be the one who would do something good for you.

I’m not saying she should be giving you a gift but she should probably be the one to contact you. But now it’s you again who wants to contact her. That tells me she’s still on the pedestal. You’re still thinking too much about her and if you keep this up you will never get her back because she can always feel that she can deceive. And like I said: If she can deceive she’s going to leave! Women do not want to be with a man that they can feel that they can manipulate. And if she can tell that you are still chasing her, if she can tell that you’re still desperate, if she can tell that you would do anything to get her back…

You’re willing to give her a present even though she treated you like you don’t exist, basically. I mean clearly, that shows to her that you still don’t value yourself enough. You value her more than you value yourself. It’s not going to work. You have to unleash the king within, otherwise, she can’t trust you. A woman doesn’t want to be with a weak man. A woman doesn’t want to be with a needy man. A woman doesn’t want to be with a tyrant who’s always an asshole, or rude, or puts people down, or complains a lot. All of these things. She doesn’t want that. She wants to be with a true king.

So he wraps it up saying: “It doesn’t seem like random text messages have a lot of effects. So I think that reminding her of some of the better moments in our relationship will make her think about me in some more positive light.

Nope! I don’t think so because even though you’re trying to show her, “Look, don’t you like this chess stuff? We used to play chess… Wasn’t it fun?” You’re also reminding her about the very thing that caused the breakup: Your insecurity. What you have to do is give her the space to miss you. I know you don’t want to hear this and you really have to focus on yourself because clearly, right now you’re still kind of “unhinged“. You still care so much about her and you’re not focused on your own life. So when she eventually comes back she will be very disappointed to see that you’re still so unhinged. That you’re still so hung up on her. That you still haven’t figured out your life. That you’re still not able to find some friends to hang out with. Most likely.

And imagine if you get back together. She can already prophesize what’s going to happen. She already knows but most likely, eventually, you’re going to get jealous again of some guys. You’re not going to have something to do when she does something with her friends. She’s going to be jealous. So she wants to see some progress within you. She wants to see growth. She wants to see that you are a king. So stop messaging her. It’s not working. You have to focus on yourself. Figure out what you want to do with your life so that you can inspire her again. What is really awesome about you? What is something that she fell in love with you in the first place?

Maybe when you initially started dating, perhaps you had your shit more together. Perhaps you had something that you were very passionate about, like a social cause, or like a business, or a hobby. Are you still doing this? Did you stop doing this? Can you get back to it or you need to find something else that makes you happy? So that was my final advice for you. Let me know in the comments what do you think? What’s your opinion on what you think he should do. Of course, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within. I’ll see all of you kings in the next video.

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