Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In this dating advice, we’re gonna talk about the no-contact rule and actually the origins of the no contact rule. Most of you probably know it from well, trying to get an ex back. Don’t talk to your ex for a certain limit of time and then she’s going to reach out to you. But it actually originally came from narcissism. So it is a technique to distance yourself from people who hurt you. So first of all, grab your favorite beverage.
So it’s a tool to essentially get over a lot of pain and in a way, it also works that way for getting an ex back. Of course, you try to get away from all the pain so that you can see clearly again, and then eventually you can maybe get your ex back. But it’s also very helpful if you want to move on from an ex because she has hurt you. So of course, before I get into the message of the guy who has a problem with a woman who cheated on him. All right, so let’s get right into this situation.
He says: “Hi coach, I am devastated and don’t know what to do with my life. The last months have been awful. My girlfriend cheated on me with her ex four months ago. I want to try and move on but how do I do this? My girlfriend and I were together for 10 months. She and another guy have been best friends for years however they dated for three to four years, or three or four years ago it didn’t work out and they then became friends. He has been in love with her the entire time. It’s not a guess! He has told her. I obviously wasn’t a big fan of this and I expressed that but I didn’t want to get between friends. So I let it go.”
So that’s a kind of huge red flag that she is still friends with her ex. You can do that, obviously, if you’re single but it’s very hard to just stay friends with an ex because there’s always the chance that things will get back together. That you will get back together or that you rekindle your relationship and the fact that she essentially entertained this guy and this is the guy that she cheated on with, she kind of probably knew what was going on. So he even… well, you say that you weren’t a big fan of it but she didn’t really do anything about it. So she played a huge part in this. She is the one who made it happen. She’s the one who facilitated the breakup and one thing that you have to do in a case like this is if you want to move on, you have to actually forgive yourself for, I’m sorry for being so blunt, but this is probably also how you feel.
You have to forgive yourself for being so stupid to believe her. You have to forgive yourself to have no boundaries. You have to forgive yourself for cutting her too much slack and not saying “hey you need to stop this. I don’t like this. I told you that I don’t think you should stay friends with your ex” and if she doesn’t do that you are free to go, of course. That can’t be universally applied for every situation. Sometimes exes really are just friends but most of the time they’re not. There’s always a chance. There’s always, that bitter feeling of thinking maybe we should give it another try. Some relationships, they really end and they just end and there’s 100 clarity that you never ever would want to get back. But it’s not a lot of relationships. Most exes try to at least once give it another shot with an ex.
So forgive yourself for ignoring this red flag and you kind of invited this behavior into your life because you didn’t speak up more. I’m not saying that it was your fault. Obviously, she’s the one who cheated but you have to forgive yourself because you’re probably beating yourself up without knowing it, that you didn’t walk away from this sooner. Now you’re the one who is hurting and ultimately it’s not your fault. You made a mistake but ultimately it’s her fault. She screwed up but you probably feel like you contributed to it and in a way you did but it’s not your fault. You just played a tiny part in this overall role. She made the choice to cheat.
So he then says: “A few months before our breakup he got angry that we were together and said he didn’t want to talk to her. They then didn’t communicate one bit until one night when he all of a sudden ‘accidentally’ PayPal-ed her some money and she messaged him.”
So first of all: The fact that he is getting angry at her for being with you and that he doesn’t want to talk with her… He clearly has control issues and she’s entertaining these to some extent. And I mean the fact that she’s just friends with this guy is already a red flag. So something is wrong with this guy. The fact that they both cheated with on you. I mean she cheated on you and he was part in this role of making, of helping her cheat on you. They’re both kind of made for each other. They’re not exactly high integrity people and you probably dodged a bullet. And they are just right for each other, I would say because, he has some issues there and then the fact that he accidentally PayPal-ed her some money and then she messaged him.
She must know that that was not an accident. I mean how the heck do you accidentally PayPal someone?! You have to find their email and you get like some thumbnail of who you’re paypaling. Then you type in the number, the money, then you probably have something like a confirmation screen, you’re sending it to this person, this amount of money, and then last time hey for review “are you sure you want to do this?” … So what are the odds that she couldn’t figure out that he did this on purpose and then she messages him? Well, okay, she obviously has to message him but here’s where she then screws up and she screws up on purpose, essentially.
He says: “She just got a new puppy so she invited him over. They just talked for a while and then he left. However, he came back a while after and they played VR. She said she was going to bed around 10, so iIsaid good night.”
Sure, of course, she’s going to go to bed. She knew exactly what she was doing. She knew that this was a bullshit excuse. That he didn’t care about this money. He just had a dumb excuse to reach out to her and once she heard from him, she was like “oh that’s great! I have missed you!” and for some reason, she is not happy with you, right? So she’s like “Oh, this is my invitation to cheat on you.” This is what’s going on and I have this one phrase in my book, that is actually… My book unleash it king within and this phrase is actually about maintaining healthy relationships and the phrase goes “couples who play have a reason to stay.”
What that means is if you have fun, if you keep things light, then your girlfriend is going to want to stay. She’s going to be happy with you. But she felt like something doesn’t make her happy. We’re not going to go into this because you’re not mentioning it but there’s some reason why she felt not happy and then she justified cheating. So, I mean here is a great example: You say he came over and “they played VR.” They literally played. So she felt like “okay I can have some fun with this guy and well, let me have some more fun“…
What a woman with integrity would have done is, if she would have noticed that she’s not happy with you, she would have broken up and then it would have been less painful. In a way, it would have still been painful but at least it wouldn’t have been humiliating and it wouldn’t have been so demeaning and just heart-shredding, essentially. So now she cheated on you. She could have just left and then dated someone. But she chose to just not give a shit about you. That’s something that you need to consider. This woman didn’t really give a shit about you to just leave first and then have sex with another man. So you’re kind of lucky to get rid of this woman. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but this is how you should look at it. This woman is not a good woman.
He then says: “I have anxiety so I messaged her around 11 asking if she was up. We didn’t text much that day so I felt lonely. She responded saying she was kind of up and said I love you and no more response. I sent her ‘I love you. Get some rest’ around midnight and she replied at one saying ‘I am gonna try’ I was asleep at midnight but she apparently wasn’t. She texted me at 6 am asking if I was awake. Of course, I wasn’t so she called. She was obviously upset and crying. She said she needed to talk to someone and then said her friend had stayed the night like they used to do when they were younger. She said he kissed her and she reciprocated. I know clothes came off but she said they didn’t do anything else. He touched her everywhere but down there. She was on her period so nothing happened.”
She kissed him and reciprocated and that’s it. Well, that’s it, because she was on her period. If she wouldn’t have been on her period, guess what would have happened? You know what would have happened. We all know what would have happened. They would have had sex. So the only reason why she didn’t go all the way out was because she couldn’t. She didn’t feel comfortable. So do not forgive this woman for what she did. We all know that she would have most likely, 90% chance would have slept with this guy if she wouldn’t have been on her period. So yeah, don’t sugarcoat anything. Don’t try to sugarcoat what she has done.
He then says: “My whole life felt like it got turned upside down. I was angry as hell and I didn’t want to end it. I tried to be understanding and give her another chance but after this happened, our relationship became worse and worse in just two weeks. I could just not trust her anymore and broke up with her after a big fight.” Yeah, she broke your trust, and well, we’re gonna get into this in a moment where you can really tell that she does not care about trying to maintain trust. She’s being dishonest with you. Obviously, cheating is being dishonest but now what he says is an even bigger red flag to see that you can’t trust this woman. It’s time to move on.
So he says: “I was so mad at her because she played a big role in this but said she never had any intent to hurt me or plan to cheat on me.”
I would question that. She kind of had some intent. She maybe didn’t construct that thought “I’m gonna cheat on you“, because she probably wouldn’t like that thought. Because if she would actually plant that thought in her head, that would sound quite bad and she’d realize “What the fuck am I doing?! Why am I inviting this guy over to my place?!” She would realize oh my God I’m doing something really bad. I would say she didn’t do it 100 intentionally but there was some intent there, some deliberation with this entire scenario. So she kind of knew what she was doing.
He says: “But to me, an ex that you still have feelings for is a temptation and a problem waiting to happen. Exactly, I’m not giving her an excuse. She made her choice but yet I still love her and I can’t get myself to move on and get over her.”
Well, because you didn’t want to move on. Everything was fine for you. She was the one who wasn’t happy for some reason and then she cheated on you and she didn’t communicate with you that she wasn’t happy. Instead, instead of trying to resolve whatever wasn’t working in your relationship, she just went the easy route and you probably were clueless because she wasn’t communicating with you. For sure, there probably was some fault on your part because if you can’t figure out that your girlfriend isn’t happy and is going to cheat on you because of that, then you need to have some awareness in your relationship. But ultimately, she’s the one who messed up the most here because she could have just told you what’s going on. So you shouldn’t excuse any of her flaws. She made some conscious choices to hurt you pretty big and it’s not okay. That is not what good people do.
He then says: “She has messaged me several times since then and said that nothing had happened.”
It’s a lie. Something happened. The only reason why nothing happened, is only kissing and making out and getting naked, was because she was on her period. She’s trying to downplay this. If she would really love you and if she would wanted to make this up to you, she would be honest and she would say “I’m so sorry for what I did. And I’m just happy that I was on my period because I think I probably would have cheated. You deserve so much better.” She would take accountability for her mistakes but she’s not doing that.
He says: “She said that nothing happened. That she made a mistake and that she won’t ever make this mistake again. I asked her if she’s still friends with her ex and then she said that they are not talking anymore and not spending time together.”
Notice how she is ignoring the question or if she is dodging the question. He asks “are you still friends with your ex?” and she’s saying “we’re not talking anymore, we’re not spending time together” But that’s not the problem. They also didn’t talk for a while and they also didn’t spend time together for a while until she cheated. So she’s dodging the questions. So is she still friends with him? Pretty sure she still is friends with him because otherwise she would have said “Nope, I realized I made a mistake. I unfriended him. I will never ever talk to this guy again. And this is over. This was a one-time mistake. I’m done with this. I learned my lesson.” I don’t think she learned her lesson because the things that people don’t say reveal a lot about them. This is revealing.
He then says to wrap it up: “A part of me wants to believe her and give our relationship another chance but another part of me feels that she isn’t being sincere. I feel like I should move on but I can’t stop loving her despite what she has done and she keeps on messaging me and begging me to give us another chance.”
Why do you think does she keep on messaging you? Probably because that other guy is just a total garbage kind of man. It’s just the fact that he cheated on, helped her cheat, and tried to have sex with her knowing that you were in a relationship. This guy has no integrity. This guy is a piece of shit. He doesn’t care that she’s going to do the same thing with him eventually. So you know, she probably knows that this guy is much worse than you. You are a much better man. I don’t know what flaws you have. I don’t know what fuckups you’ve made in the relationship. There’s obviously some reasons why she felt compelled to cheat but I think it’s quite obvious that whatever mistakes you’ve made in the relationship, you never even come close to what a bad man this guy is.
This guy has no decency. He doesn’t give a shit. You do give a shit. So nobody’s perfect but there are people with integrity and then there are people without integrity. She knows that this guy is shit and that’s why she’s now messaging you. She’s realizing “fuck I don’t have that many choices. What’s my choice? That guy who I used for cheating? That’s not a good choice to date.” And now she’s probably realizing that. So this is not why I would take her back. She’s realizing now “Wow, actually, I am a piece of shit and I can only have a piece of shit man.”
So he then says: “She begging for another chance, messaging all the time and it’s so hard to let go because she seems sorry and shows that she really cares about me. Maybe it was a one-time slip up. But I don’t know, man… The heart wants what the heart wants. But I know I should move on but I just don’t know how. Do you have any advice for me what I should do?”
So I don’t know this woman. Every person can change. Every person can do better. Every person can learn their lesson. There are couples who have cheated, who learn better communication, better behavior patterns and they fix their shit and then they become happy couples. It is possible but it’s not easy and I haven’t seen her actually trying to rectify it. She’s still friends with this guy. I’m pretty sure she’s still friends with him. Just check her friend’s list. She’s still friends with him on Facebook and if she is, then she’s probably still entertaining the thought of getting together with him, eventually, if things don’t work out with you. She will probably give up. Now, this is where we get into the no contact rule. I mentioned at the beginning of the video that obviously no contact is being used to distance yourself from an ex to create space so that she can miss you and also for you to find happiness again, come back to your center and become a king.
Unleash the king within. So that she wants you back. But originally the no contact rule actually comes from narcissism. So if you’ve ever dealt with narcissistic partners, they really hurt their partners a lot and so in the beginning we don’t realize this. If you think cheating is bad, a narcissist is 10 times worse. They also tend to cheat but they just do so many things on top of that. So obviously, if someone hurts you like a cheater or you’re with a narcissist, you want to distance yourself from them because they don’t have your best interests in at heart, in mind. And they will always abuse you and use you and they repeat those cycles over and over. So this woman is a cheater. People can change. Some people cheat once in their life and they will never repeat this mistake ever again but then there are some people who will just keep on cheating over and over.
I had this ex once and she’s the one who motivated me to becoming a relationship coach. And she cheated on me I’ll be honest. I also did some sort of cheating. I opened Tinder and I learned my lesson from that. And I’ve never, ever, ever done anything like this ever again. Whenever I could tell that I wasn’t happy with a woman or she wasn’t the right one for me, I didn’t lead her on. I just broke up and I started dating someone else. I will never ever make this mistake ever in my life. I would rather die than to ever cheat on a woman again because it was painful. This entire relationship was painful for me. And so this woman, she cheated on me and then I found out well, she was cheating again. She used me. She tried to use me to cheat on her new boyfriend. And then I realized wait, this pattern seemed repetitive. Wait, she did the same thing with the ex before me! She used her ex to cheat on me. She was talking to her ex lining up the replacement. Some people just never learn.
Some women never learn because they have too many options and so they think they are God and they can do whatever the hell they want, but reality is they can’t and eventually they run out of options when they get older. So she can maybe change but you should go with the assumption that she probably will not and she hasn’t shown you that she’s rectifying this. She has clearly evaded the question about are you still friends. So I would do no contact. Not talk to this woman. If you want to really move on and let go of this woman, then you should use no contact to limit your contact to really not talk to each other and if she reaches out to you and you can’t avoid it, then you give very lackluster answers. You don’t try to keep the conversation going you just say yeah noted. I mean you don’t say noted literally. Who says noted. But you get the idea. It’s like you’re essentially just nodding your head and acknowledging what she says. Cool story, bro.
And you give her really short answers. Very non-emotional. Nothing heated. Don’t talk about feelings and emotions and the relationship and so on and so forth. Because she will try to find a way to get back into the relationship. She will try to convince you to get back together. I’m not saying that she doesn’t have a right to do that and I’m not saying that you shouldn’t entertain the thought that maybe she can change but you do need to see clear signs that she is willing to change and this has to be a lot. You need to see a clear sign that this is over for good. 100%! She is never ever going to talk to this guy ever again. So let her just sit there a little bit more and contemplate on this and see if she really learned her lesson. And if she really did learn her lesson, she will keep on trying and then you can maybe take her back.
So that is my final advice for you. I hope that was helpful. Like I said, if this was helpful, please subscribe. Then, of course, if you like the video give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the video and let me know in the comments what do you think about this? Do you agree with this take or maybe you don’t? Do you think he should give her another chance? Should he move on or not? Should he give it some period of trial period to get back together? I would love to hear your thoughts and if you need some more help you can get my book “Unleash The King Within” and like I mentioned earlier, there’s one phrase that I have in my book. Couples who play have a reason to stay.
There’s a lot of ideas in here how to keep your relationship entertaining, fun, and how to spot when things are going in the wrong direction and then maybe you can move your relationship and lead it in the right direction with your woman, or break up if it’s not going in the right direction because you can tell that your woman is not the right woman for you. You can also enroll in my training programs “Confidence King” and “Financial Freedom King” and of course, you can always book a coaching session with me, and with that, I will see all of you kings in the next video. I’m coach Andy Graziosi. I help you unleash your confidence and become the man that women love. I’ll see all of you kings in the next video. Stay sharp.