How to get your ex back if she is dating someone else? Rebound relationships no contact advice

Dec 12, 2021 | Breakup Advice & Get Your Ex Back

Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

What is up, kings? Today we’re gonna talk about rebound relationships. So typically what happens very often after a breakup is that your ex might have a rebound and the reason why an ex has a rebound is a principle that I talk about very often, which is a “woman who trusts discovers her lust.” So the man that your woman, your ex-girlfriend, trusts, that’s the man that she’s going to have lust for. And of course, after a breakup, you are the man that she has no trust for. For whatever reason, she doesn’t trust you anymore. You hurt her feelings over and over. She’s not in love with you anymore. Maybe you’ve cheated. Or whatever. For some reason, she doesn’t trust you anymore. So what does she do after the breakup? She starts looking for another man that she can trust.

That is typically the rebound relationship and so really what you have to do after a breakup especially if there’s a rebound, you basically have to build more trust with your ex-girlfriend than she’s building with the new guy. And the reality is that often it means just doing nothing. Action for re-attraction rarely leads to satisfaction. So there is this thing called the action bias, that leads people to want to take action even though it’s counterproductive and doesn’t lead to a great result. And so a lot of you might think “Okay, I’m going to talk a lot to my ex and try to fix all the stuff so that she trusts me again,” but most of the time that doesn’t work.

That’s why we do no contact. Because she has to figure out for herself that she can trust you again and want to re-establish contact with you. All right, so I have a situation from a guy who had a girlfriend and he kind of screwed up. So she doesn’t trust him anymore and well, then she had a rebound but he kind of got lucky because the guy, the rebound, he wasn’t that great and now the ex is finally back and he’s trying to figure out what is the next action step.

So he says: “Hi coach, I need your help with my ex-girlfriend who started dating another man after our breakup, but recently she has been talking to me again. She hasn’t outright said that she wants to get back together but her rebound is clearly over and I’m not sure if I’m only reading into this or if she does want to try to get back together. Maybe she’s just remorseful and trying to be friendly with me. I don’t want to risk that she will have another rebound relationship or that her next one will be the real relationship so please give me your two cents.

So if your ex is back after the rebound there’s a high probability that she at least wants to see if she can trust you again and get back together. If she hasn’t said it outright there’s a chance she hasn’t done that because women don’t want to risk anything. Women are not as risky as men. Men always take risks. Women do not. So the fact that she’s reaching out to you that is already taking a lot of risk for her. So she might think that okay now she’s basically telling you “Hey I still care about you, let’s meet up.

So anyway, he then says: “So to give you the inside scoop: My ex-girlfriend of two and a half years broke up with me because to be honest, I did mess up back in 2020. I got laid off last year and I decided to try and take life into my own hands and start a business. My ex supported me a lot back then but as I kept on trying to make my business work, I became more and more depressed because it just wasn’t working out. Over time I became more and more low-energy and my girlfriend paid more of our bills than I did. I am not proud of it but a part of me became very hopeless to make things work and I was too stubborn. My ego got in the way and I didn’t go back to a job. I tried too hard to turn my business into an overnight success and that did not work out at all.

I am now employed again and working on my business on the side. But the damage was already done. Eventually, last year in November, my girlfriend broke up with me because she was tired of my lack of accountability and she was very disappointed that I was trying to run my business without a backup job, especially because sometimes I didn’t work hard enough for it due to my depression. I can’t make excuses for it. I felt defeated and it’s not her fault. She supported me for the longest time but I guess eventually she just couldn’t handle everything anymore and gave up on me.

Yeah, it’s exactly like I said: A woman who trusts discovers her lust. And of course, a woman wants to trust a man that you can take care of her. But in this case, very obviously, you couldn’t take care of her anymore. It’s quite the opposite. It’s almost like she had to take care of you. There’s nothing wrong with launching a business and taking some risks and trying to level up your game. There was nothing wrong with you saying “Hey, I got laid off from work, let me try to make this business work that I’ve always wanted to” and I’m sure she was proud of you in the beginning. But obviously, she became more depressed and she felt like you’re not really in control of your own life. She started to lose trust. I’m sure everything in your relationship got worse. Maybe it became kind of troublesome with the bills and she didn’t feel safe in the relationship anymore. And so she broke up and we’re gonna get into this. There then is a new guy that she thinks she can trust.

So he says: “We broke up and of course, I tried to convince her that I would do better but I guess I just overstepped my limits and I don’t think she had any faith in me back then. This was actually my wake-up call that eventually got me to go and get my shit together and to look for a full-time job again. And I started doing no contact. I found out from friends that she had apparently found a fun crew of people from work that she loved and some of her friends said that she told one of her friends she was the happiest she ever had been in her life. She eventually met a new guy three months after our breakup and she had sex with him according to a friend. I was really hurt and I did something stupid and checked in on her when I found out. Needless to say, that was pointless and our conversation was really short. After that, I felt like reaching out to her knowing that she’s with another guy but I kept my discipline and focused on my own career issues first.

Yeah, it’s just like I said: Action for re-attraction rarely leads to satisfaction. So if you’ve just broken up and your ex doesn’t trust you and you’ve screwed up a lot and then she meets a new guy, who in her mind looks really awesome… She hasn’t seen his flaws yet. She thinks that this guy is perfect. If you then reach out to her, you’re just gonna make it worse. Ultimately, what needs to happen is your ex needs to see that the other guy is not that great. He has a lot of flaws. And if you look back at it you have a history of two and a half years. So she can trust you a lot. Of course, you had a really weak moment. You screwed up but that doesn’t mean that you can’t get back on track with your life. And you said it yourself, you’re focusing more on your career. You’re doing no contact even though you kind of screwed up.

So you’re trying to get back on track and becoming the king, the man that she fell in love with in the past. And the fact that you now have a full-time job again, plus you’re making your business work, it tells me you’re unleashing the king within. You learned your lesson. You made a mistake. You didn’t go the right way. It’s not that easy to build a business but now you have your job, you’re also growing your business… That is amazing! If now you can also manage to have a great work-life balance, so that you don’t overwork and when she comes back and you don’t neglect her because you might have so many things to handle in your life, then it’s perfect! Because then your ex will think “Wow you have improved so much with your life! Actually, look at him! He’s changed himself since the breakup! So he really learned a lesson from this.

So he then says: “Here’s where things finally turned around in my favor. That guy ended up being a loser and he was like a chronic version of my unreliable self from back then. My ex’ rebound got kicked out of his house and needed to live with her. She thought that she was empowered at first and wanted to have fun as a single woman and not become too serious with him, but she moved in with him.

So it’s kind of obvious that very often after a breakup and ex, she might think “Okay, I can do so much better. Things are gonna get better. Life is gonna be so much better.” But you shouldn’t neglect that she still is hurting. Rebounds are often actually a case of kind of being in denial and not wanting to process the breakup. But eventually, she has to face the truth and realize that it’s really hurtful losing you. And so when you’re in this hurtful state, your life is basically in shambles. Her life is in shambles. What are the odds that she’s going to make the right choice by dating the right kind of guy? There is a problem with this guy very soon after she starts dating him already. It hasn’t been too long since they’ve dated and there’s already trouble in paradise!

So he says: “We have a common friend who keeps me in the loop. She told him she didn’t want that to happen. She says she wanted him to be a fun friend, not some guy needing to live with her. They dated for three months and she eventually finally broke up with him and confessed to my friends that she was still in love with me but I didn’t message her because I wasn’t sure if it was the best move, plus back then I was still just getting back on my feet.

Yeah, so for everybody who’s watching this who has a similar scenario: This was the right thing to do. It would have been wrong to message her because she would have then thought that you’re kind of desperate. As soon as you find out that she broke up, you’re back. That’s not the right way to go. She can feel that you’re still kind of needy. That something in your life probably isn’t going right and you need her to complete your life. That’s not what a woman wants. Like I said: A woman who trusts discovers her lust. If she can tell that you’re still kind of in a vulnerable state she’s not going to trust you. Right now, she is in a vulnerable state. So all you have to do is give her time reflect on everything. Eventually, she’s going to be back, most likely.

So he then says: “Fast forward to late October. She reached out to me and says she has been single since her rebound. She also apologized and said she made a mistake. I spent countless nights missing her since our breakup. I thought more than once about this moment. Now it’s time to figure out what to do next. Apparently, he was one of the worst guys she’s ever dated. She said she misses me and we’ve been talking for several weeks now. She knows that I am no longer without a job and she says she’s proud of me for getting things in order. We haven’t seen each other yet but she’s apologized for ending the relationship and understands all the things that hurt me. I am trying to understand what I should do now. While we do talk like once a week, it’s almost as if there’s an elephant in the room when we do. We don’t talk like we used to, or it’s more like there’s tension. It’s really awkward to talk like this through text. I have a feeling she wants me back but she hasn’t outright said anything of that nature.

Yeah, of course, it’s kind of awkward. You’re still in love with each other but she doesn’t want to admit it. You probably don’t want to admit it. So the easiest way how you can get her back is don’t focus so much on texting. Start to invite her out on dates. Get to meet up again. So for example, if it’s really awkward to talk through text and you’re probably thinking about these great things to say to, you know, reminisce or whatever… One thing that you could do is just remind her of something great that you used to do in the past. So for example, if maybe let’s say you had a hobby of going on runs. You could maybe send her a selfie of you being out in the park with a runner’s group and you could tell her “Hey, you should join me with the next run” or something like that.

But the bottom line is: If she reaches out to you that tells you that she kind of cares about you and she’s trying to figure out what to do now. Can she still trust you? And in your case, it’s kind of obvious she does! She even said it herself: She is proud of you. So she already sees that there’s change within you. So all you have to do is now to increase that trust further. And the easiest way how you can increase that trust is by actually meeting up. By having fun together. By having natural conversations next to each other. Do some of the things that you’ve liked. Invite her out for a dinner and talk about the good old times.

So he wraps it up by saying: “A few days ago she texts me something random, basically asking if I was okay. I answer I’m doing good and the conversation basically ended there. She has contacted me twice asking how I am doing and I don’t know what that means. Is she just worried about how I’m doing? Does she just want to remain friends? I honestly miss her and want to see her but I am afraid of initiating contact and suggesting to do something because what if she’s just texting me in a friendly way? But of course, I am really anxious that she’ll find another guy if I don’t do something now. So what is your suggestion for me?

Well, you’re actually right! She could find someone else, eventually, but right now she’s clearly interested in you. She messages you for really boring, dumb reasons and she’s probably hoping that you are making the next move. Obviously, it’s kind of awkward right now. You’re both not really sure how to talk to each other anymore, but there’s clearly still some emotions left in her. She still cares about you but she doesn’t really know how to communicate that to you. She doesn’t want to take the risk because what if you are the one who is going to reject her?

So what you need to do is you need to invite her out on a date and it’s kind of obvious that she has been burned with the last guy. The last guy was a big disappointment. Maybe also even a worse disappointment than you. Yeah, things with you were not that great but you’ve been a couple for two and a half years, so obviously she kind of understands where you’re coming from. It’s not like she’s mad at you or thinks that you’re a shitty guy for failing with your business. That happens to a lot of people. That’s something terrible she can probably emphasize with that now, you fixed it! So she must be really happy because you have really turned yourself into a king. You unleashed the king within. It’s perfect! So set up a date. Don’t worry about other guys. You only have to worry about other guys if you don’t make a move because eventually, she might find someone else again who she can trust. And it could be that the next guy that she meets is not so shitty.

Basically, the guy that she met was the same kind of bad version of yourself. So she ran into the same problem that she had before again. What are the odds? It’s what people do. We seek out our previous traumas. Again it didn’t work out for her. You fixed your trauma. The thing that didn’t work in the relationship. So now she won’t have to expect that if you get back together there’s gonna be this kind of problem again in the future. All right, so that was my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what do you think? Give me a thumbs up, of course, give me your thoughts in the comments. What do you think about this? Like the video, of course, and never forget to unleash the king within!

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