Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
What is up, kings? It’s Andy Graziosi, helping you unleash your confidence. Grab your favorite beverage. Today we’re gonna talk about the wrong expectations with breakups and no contact. So in the last few weeks actually I’ve been doing a lot of research on biases, human biases, how we perceive certain things. Psychological mistakes. And how we perceive certain things wrong. How we sometimes have a very biased tunnel view of how we see certain things and one thing that I discovered was something called the impact bias. And that bias basically says that we often as humans think that there are certain things that we can do to impact a situation, but actually there’s not much that we can do.
So an example of this would be, for example, playing the lottery, which is very, very random. If you play the lottery you might think if you pick certain numbers maybe some of you know this… 4 8 15 14 oh shit I don’t even know the numbers anymore from LOST… If you’ve ever thought of picking certain numbers for the lottery, basically you might think hey, this increases my chances for winning! But typically, it doesn’t because it’s just by chance. And so a lot of people make the mistake that they see no contact. No contact, 30 days. No contact, 60 days. No contact in 90 days. And people think just the fact because they’re doing no contact and they’re doing it for a certain number of days, that’s going to bring their ex back. It’s basically the impact bias.
You think “Okay, just doing no contact will bring her back,” but the reality is that this is not how it is. It’s not the fact that you’re doing no contact for X amount of days. 30, 60, 90. What actually brings your ex back is yes, no contact for a certain amount of days has benefits, but actually what matters the most is what you do during that time. It matters a lot more about what do you do within these 30, 60, 90 days. What are you doing with yourself? Are you unleashing the king within? Are you working on yourself? Or are you not working on yourself? Because yes, no contact is going to increase the chances of your ex coming back. It definitely increases it compared to always chasing your ex but the thing is, if you don’t work on yourself while that is happening and then she comes back, it wouldn’t really achieve anything. And even if she comes back but you haven’t changed she might be turned off again. So I have a situation from a guy who basically has wrong expectations about no contact. Let’s get into his situation and my advice. Let’s see what I have to say.
So he says: “Hi coach, I really hope this makes it into a video. I am not sure what to do anymore. My ex-girlfriend has not contacted me for over two months and I feel as if no contact is not having any effect. Maybe I’ve been doing no contact wrong and I hope you can give me any advice on my situation.”
The only way how you could be doing no contact wrong is if you’re using it to get an ex back and if you’re using it just to basically not work on yourself. A lot of people, they just do no contact but they don’t work on themselves. And as soon as you don’t work on yourself or as long as you don’t work on yourself, that is when no contact is not working. It’s like expecting to fiddle your thumbs or something like that, you know, and hope that something is going to happen. No, it’s not going to happen. It’s only going to happen if you work on yourself. Your ex needs to see changes within you if you want to get back together.
So he then says: “I don’t want to write a novel about what went wrong with me and my ex but basically, what happened was that she and I had been a couple for two years when our relationship became more conflicted. One of our biggest issues in the relationship has been my difficult work schedule. I work at a law firm and unfortunately, I often have to work late hours. This wasn’t an issue for her in the beginning of our relationship. In fact, she even spent time working late at night with me every now and then.“
Yeah, it probably wasn’t an issue for her at the beginning of the relationship because of all the hormones, the infatuation period. She didn’t really mind. Maybe she even thought that you’re kind of ambitious. It really excited her that you were working hard because she saw potential in you. Of course, over time your girlfriend wants to spend time with you and the more time that you spend, typically maximum 18 months on average, after that period, the infatuation period, or limerence, she is going to notice all the flaws or the things that she doesn’t like. So while she might like your ambitiousness in the beginning, over time, of course, she wants to spend time with her boyfriend and the more time that progresses in the relationship, the more she’s going to lose tolerance for these things, like not having enough time with her boyfriend.
So he then says: “But over time this has become more and more of a problem and my girlfriend has become resentful towards me and has often complained about my late work hours and she eventually told me that I had to choose between her or my work. She asked me what’s more important to me ‘her or my work?‘ to which I told her ‘Of course, you are important to me but I can’t change that I’m needed at work. If I don’t work hard enough I won’t get promoted’…”
Obviously, I think you probably know what I’m gonna say! If you say something and then you follow up with but, it’s not a good way to go. So yes obviously, your work is important BUT like you say, but well I have to work so hard… The question is: Do you really? You say that you work at a law firm. So in the past, a few years ago, I dated a girl. She was an accountant and I think all of these firms, like law firms, accounting firms, audit firms, all of this stuff, they all kind of operate in the same way. You’re always gonna be the slave. You’re always gonna be working like crazy. And either you accept that and you find a person who’s okay with that, or maybe you don’t date at all because you focus on your career. It’s probably never gonna change and that’s probably also why she told you “Hey, you need to make up your mind. Who’s more important? Your work or me?”
She probably didn’t know how bad this is in the beginning but over time, it probably became a burden on her. And if anyone of you has ever watched the show “Suits“, which is about law firms, basically it kind of paints it nicer than it is. You always have to make a lot of sacrifices and often these sacrifices come with a huge cost. In this case the cost was the relationship. And you have to be careful about thinking what do you want. Do you want to focus more on your work? Or you want to focus more on your relationship? Do you want to focus more on friends or do you want to focus more on climbing the career ladder? There’s always trade-offs and you have to be clear on what you want in your life. And she basically made a choice for you!
So if you really wanted to keep the relationship going, you probably would have had to look for an alternative. Maybe a different career, or maybe a different job. Maybe a law firm wouldn’t have been the right thing for you. A lot of people, they just jump to another career/job. Just the fact that you work at a law firm… I don’t know how prestigious your law firm was but just the fact that you worked there, it gave you experience, it gave you exposure. So other companies probably would be willing to hire you and they might be excited to work with someone who’s as competent as you. Because it seems to me that you are quite ambitious. So you must be very intelligent. You must be working really hard. That’s something that a lot of companies want. And you probably could have found another company that would have been better suited for career growth but also for relationship growth.
So he then says: “After this argument, she became really cold that night. And she wouldn’t show me any affection at all that night. It felt as if we were sleeping in separate beds and the next morning she talked to me and said that she wanted to break up. I tried anything to change her mind. I begged her and promised her that I would make more time for her but she did not believe me. I did not understand it back then but after our breakup I finally realized what she meant. Once she left me I was all alone and the only thing I had left was my work and I began to see how unfilling it was just to work all the time. All of a sudden, everything I had been working so hard for seemed to no longer make any sense. I started feeling like a tiny cog in the system of my company and wondered if they even value my hard work. Most people at law firms rarely get promoted. They only get promoted if they work super hard. I felt as if I kept on putting so many man-hours into an employer, yet it hasn’t really paid off much. All it has done was destroy a really great relationship. My lack of motivation at the firm hasn’t really helped with my performance either and I’ve been getting into trouble at work more than once for underperformance.”
So now you’re realizing, well, these people don’t really value me. The reality is if someone doesn’t value you, it’s true for relationships but also work, you have to walk away from that situation. I’m sure you could find other employers who would value your time and your efforts that you put in there. Now it seems to me that as soon as you’re underperforming, you’re getting into a lot of trouble. Everyone underperforms from time to time but good companies, good employers, good managers, good bosses, they’re going to help you get out of that rut. They’re going to help you succeed. They want you to succeed because they’re good leaders. But these people probably only care about the money that you can produce for them.
And I’m assuming what you are realizing right now is actually what your girlfriend has been seeing for a long time and it seems to me that she’s been trying to communicate it to you but you were unwilling to accept that. You thought probably that you have to make this work. You thought that if you don’t climb the career ladder, your life is not going to work out. You’re thinking maybe you’re not gonna make enough money. Maybe you have to pay off some debts. But probably, you could also find other ways to make money.
So he then says: “Anyway, I tried so hard to win her back and I must have been begging and pleading with her for what feels like an entire month. Pretty much every attempt at talking to her went completely ignored or she told me off, saying stuff like ‘she doesn’t know if she can still be with me but right now it’s not the time for it.’ It’s as if she didn’t care at all about my attempts to fix the relationship and it just seemed to get worse the harder I tried.”
Well, most likely, the reason why she’s not listening is that she doesn’t see you trying to fix the relationship. It seems more that you want her back and you’re probably trying to apply some duct tape onto that situation. You’re thinking let’s just get back. You’re gonna work a little bit less and that’s gonna improve the situation. But most likely she doesn’t think so. She probably thinks that if you stay stuck in this work situation, it’s not gonna get better. And I’m assuming that is the case because these law firms are always super demanding. So even if you work a little bit less I’m assuming it won’t be much different. Maybe you’re gonna work 10% less, but does that mean that she’s still going to have a lot of time with you? Most likely not.
I’m assuming you’re still gonna have to work more than eight hours a day. Maybe you’re still gonna have to do some late-nighters. Maybe you’re still gonna have to work on the weekend. So you have to be realistic. Is this going to fix the relationship? Most likely not. So either you accept these long working hours at this company and accept that she doesn’t want you back because of it, or you find an alternative and you fix the stuff that she doesn’t like, which clearly is that work arrangement. I’m not saying that you can’t maybe potentially fix that work arrangement but I have a feeling you could find a better employer where you would not have to work so much and maybe you might even get paid more because these firms typically find cheap labor that is willing to put in that effort because they don’t value themselves enough. So the question is: Do you see yourself as a king? Are you willing to accept an employer who doesn’t value you? Or are you going to find someone who truly sees the magnificence in you?
And if you can’t do that, let’s be realistic. Let’s be honest. If you can’t see the magnificence within you to find yourself an employer who values you, who sees that you are a king, how could your ex ever think that you are a king? She’s gonna find a guy who really values himself, and his time, and the work that he does. And so she wants to be with a man who has his priorities straight. Someone who will not accept anything less than a company and an employer who pays a lot, and doesn’t let you overwork, and treats you well. Good bonuses and all that stuff. That’s what a king would go for. So just some food for thought.
So he then says: “After roughly a month I eventually gave up. I sent her lots of messages, even wrote her emails and letters, but nothing worked. So I began doing no contact instead because my attempts of reconciliation led nowhere.”
Yeah, so you shouldn’t bombard your ex with emails or letters. That’s not going to change anything. It’s just more empty words. I’m not saying that you don’t mean these words but actions speak more than words. And clearly, what she wants to see is behavior change, not some words. Because you can tell her a lot of things but at the end of the day what matters is if you’ve changed your approach. So either she wants to see that you’ve stepped down a little bit at work, or you’re working less at your company, or you found another company where you’re not so busy. So she probably wants to see that you are maybe spending more time with friends. Spending more time on your hobbies. Spending more time on your passions, instead of always being at work, work, work. So she might even be checking out your social media profile and she might be wondering what is he up to? But if she sees that you’re still the same guy who’s just at work non-stop, she’s not gonna believe that you’ve changed. And sending a letter or emails won’t change that.
So he then says: “It’s been three months now since our breakup now and I have been doing no contact for two months but I still have not heard from her. How do I actually know that no contact is working? I kept on checking her TikTok and other social media and to me it looks like she’s enjoying her new life without me. I have messaged her best friend twice to ask her for advice on what I should do and if she thinks she’s going to forgive me but she also told me that she just hopes that we can reconcile in the future but it’s up to her to do so so.”
First of all, the chances of getting useful advice from a friend of your ex, or her best friend, it’s probably one percent. It’s very very low. She’s just going to say whatever she can to support your ex because she’s her best friend. She only wants the best for her and she can clearly tell right now she’s not happy with you. She seems to be happy without you, so clearly she wouldn’t say anything to help you out. Most likely she’s just gonna say something that’s going to not hurt your feelings and also not going to put any pressure on her best friend. So that’s number one. Number two: You’re stalking your ex’ TikTok, her social media… What that tells me is you’re too invested in her. You are still just focused on her and you’re probably focused on the mindset of “I did no contact for 30 days. I did no-contact for 60 days. It’s been two months but nothing has changed! Why is it not working?!”
It’s not working because you’re focusing way too much on her. What have you done for yourself? It doesn’t seem to me that you’ve improved your work situation. So you haven’t been focusing on yourself. Instead, what you’re doing is you’re trying to look for signs that no contact is working. No contact is going to start working once you stop focusing on her and once you start focusing on yourself, and make meaningful changes on you because she wants to see some changes within you. That’s the only way how it can work. I’m not saying that time won’t heal some wounds and she won’t come back, but if she then doesn’t see someone who has improved, who is a true king, someone that she can really respect and admire… If she cannot see that she will have no reason to get back with you.
So he says: “It seems to me that no contact has no effect at all, or worse, maybe it’s even doing the opposite of what it is supposed to do. My ex seems to be doing great and I fear that she’s completely forgotten about me, yet here I am, three months later and I can’t stop thinking about her. I can’t work properly. I’m having a really hard time focusing on my duties and even my sleep and eating rhythm are completely messed up. It’s like my biological clock is completely out of balance. What should I do with my ex-girlfriend to ensure that no contact is working? Should I message her to see if she’s no longer disappointed with me? It’s been more than 60 days of no contact so shouldn’t this be enough by now for her to reach out and give us another chance? Please make a video about this, thanks coach.”
Well, it’s like I said. It’s not about the time. It’s all about what you do with the time. It’s all about how do you spend it? Do you spend it wisely to improve yourself so when she finally wonders about you is she going to come back and find the same guy who didn’t make her happy? And of course, you’ve been messaging her for like a month after the breakup, so essentially it’s only been two months of no contact. If she’s been really done with you after two years then you shouldn’t expect that she comes back after two months. I don’t know how bad it was but for some women, it could take three months. It could take four. It could take six. Some don’t even come back until like a year or something like that because right now she thinks that everything is perfect. Life is finally better. She’s no longer in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t make time for her. Maybe there are other guys who are showing her that they like her or giving her validation. They are giving her what she thinks she deserves and what she actually does deserve.
So she doesn’t have a reason right now to come back. She only has a reason to come back probably after maybe more months, if it doesn’t work out with other guys. So they don’t give her the happiness that she’s looking for when she realizes that she really, really misses you, but if it’s only been two months. She hasn’t had that much time to miss you. So what I would suggest to you is to stop focusing on the time. Stop focusing on is it working out because it seems to me that you’re not doing anything to improve yourself. You’re just waiting for the clock to keep spinning and waiting for that one day when that magical threshold has been reached. And then she’s going to reach out. She’s gonna reach out when she misses you. That doesn’t mean that it’s a specific day. It’s how she feels. How her life is going. Maybe in a week from now she doesn’t miss you that much but then maybe all her friends are busy or things at work are really difficult, all kinds of factors, all kinds of variables, and then all of a sudden she starts missing you and she starts realizing “You know what? It wasn’t so bad with you” that okay, sure, you’ve been working a lot but, for example, if she didn’t have time with her friends, if her friends were causing problems, or if there was an issue with work or whatever in her life that wasn’t working out, she could rely on you.
And it could be any day. You can’t really predict this and anyone who tells you 30 days, 60 days, 90 days… I have to say, whoever came up with this, they basically use the impact bias. They try to trick people into thinking okay, just do no contact for 30 days. Or 60 days. And she’s gonna come back and you don’t have to do anything. And because of that it is then so easy to sell people a course about getting an ex back. And hey, I’m not gonna bash anyone. I’m selling a course on getting an ex back myself, but obviously, as you can probably tell I have a bit of a different approach or mindset about this. I don’t just want to sell people something and you shouldn’t go into that mindset of okay, I’m just going to do no contact. I’m going to apply some hacks and then I’m going to get her back!
No, you’re only going to get your ex back with real meaningful work on yourself. You have to unleash the king within. And once you do that, once you focus on yourself, on the ways how you should improve, how you could level up your game, that’s when she comes back, most likely. Because she can see that. And when she reaches out, you have to be at that level where she sees “Wow! You are a king! Fine, let’s give it another chance. I guess it wasn’t that bad and he’s changed. He’s no longer working like crazy. He really has worked on himself. He really meant what he said. It seems like he really loves me because he made some meaningful changes.” So that’s what you have to do. Stop focusing on the time. Focus on what you can do during that time to improve yourself. All right, so that was my advice for you. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Of course, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within!