Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In this dating advice, we’re gonna talk about, well, what to do if an ex doesn’t reach out. Should you wait longer, 60 days, or maybe you have the wrong expectations? So I have a message from a guy who basically has been doing no contact for 30 days and now he’s wondering “Well, do I do 60 days instead? What’s going on? Help me. Give me advice.” Let’s go into it.
He says: “Hi coach, I need special advice. I believe that I am in a very unique situation with my ex-girlfriend and I am one of those cases where no matter what, my ex just is far too stubborn to acknowledge that she made a mistake in our relationship.”
Well, if that would be the case you can’t do anything about that. You have to wait for her to acknowledge that if she made a mistake. And that’s the only thing that you could do. You can’t force someone to recognize “Hey, you screwed up. And you need to rectify your ways of wrongdoings“, or whatever mistakes someone did. That’s just a little bit of advice here.
He then says: “To give you a quick summary of our relationship: My ex and I had been a couple of nearly four years and in the first one to two years everything was fine.”
That’s normal. Typically, that’s when you are in the infatuation period. Everything is fine. No matter what you do wrong, you can’t really be upset at each other and then after one to two years, that’s when it went wrong.
So he says: “We both were incredibly happy and had been planning our lives around each other. We’d been living together, adopted some puppies together, and while we haven’t been engaged, we did talk about marriage in general a few times, just to discuss whether we think it’s something we believe in or not, since we are both not exactly the religious type.”
So you can see things were quite serious and you were thinking “Well, maybe we’re going to get married in the future. That’s why it must hurt a lot and why you’re reaching out to me.”
He then says: “But in the third year and especially in the last, things got worse and worse between the two of us. There was a lot of bickering on the part of my ex. Little things here and there that she didn’t like. Like how I wouldn’t be doing the dishes properly, not cleaning up properly, etc… On my part, I also wasn’t perfect. I took lost my temper too quickly with her when she needed my help or attention. Looking back, I think we lost the spark in the last two years of our relationship and took each other too much for granted. And instead of showing appreciation for each other, we had a lot of tiny nitpicking at the flaws of each other.”
It’s kind of normal. That happens. So you just have to learn how to communicate better and that’s not a bad thing. These small things, these small nitpickings here You can work through them and figure out how to do this better in the future. So don’t be worried about this. The goal is to get back together and then talk about it and find better ways how to work through these issues.
So he then says: “I really regret how our relationship ended. The last months of our relationship were just plain ugly and riddled with conflict. So much fighting, and resentment, and tension. The actual breakup also wasn’t the greatest. We had two dogs together and deciding who gets which dog was almost like the custodial battle during a divorce. It goes without saying, since we both really had a lot of resentment and disappointment for each other during the breakup, we absolutely did not end things very maturely and we could not see eye to eye with our dogs, but eventually we agreed on who would keep which dog.”
So you’re probably worried because that was really heartbreaking and you think that the breakup was too awful with the dogs. I’m sure that must have been quite tense who gets which dog, because you love your dogs. You probably both would want to keep both dogs for each other. But a lot of breakups end up like this. A lot of breakups end with a lot of tension. I think the percentage was something like at least 50-ish percent of all breakups end with a lot of drama. So don’t worry too much about that!
He then says: “Ever since then I’ve been wanting to have her back and fortunately I did not beg or plead a lot, or anything of that nature. I think a lot of men make this mistake based on videos that I have watched. I won’t say that I was perfect. I certainly tried to convince her to give us another chance initially, but I gave up very quickly after two weeks.”
Good, so you didn’t make too many mistakes with begging and pleading. That increases your chances.
He then says: “I guess a part of me got lucky. I don’t think that I gave up because I wasn’t desperate, it’s more like I felt so defeated and thought that all hope was lost, that I withdrew into my own little world and spent many weeks in self-loathing and playing back the end of our relationship, almost like a movie, always trying to identify where things went wrong.”
So it’s not a bad thing but you shouldn’t overdo it. Well, first of all it’s kind of good, even though you only stopped begging and pleading because you felt self-defeated, at least you stopped begging and pleading. Giving her space. It’s good that you’re reflecting on what went wrong. Identifying where did things go wrong. The problem is that you are playing it back like a movie, over and over. I would do this once. Maybe pick up one or two relationship books. You can pick up my book “Unleash The King Within“. Read the book, think about okay where did we go wrong? Then write it down on a piece of paper. Write. Grab a proper pen. Don’t write it down on your laptop.
Spend like an hour just writing these things down. Maybe writing a letter, but write that letter just to yourself. Reflect on it and then you store it. You store that knowledge for the day when you get back together and then you can talk about these issues. There’s no point in beating yourself up and thinking over and over what did I do wrong? Because surely, she must have done a lot of things wrong as well. The only productive healthy thing that you can do is come back together, then talk about it, and obviously, both of you should have reflected on this by then. You just don’t need to reflect over it all the time.
So he says: “This was awful for my mental health, but at least it kind of automatically stopped me from contacting her. So even before I knew about it, I was basically already doing no contact. So when I found out about no contact, I was already almost 30 days in with no contact. Well, minus the first two weeks. But nothing had happened since then. So I thought to myself ‘Okay, I guess I didn’t do things properly’ after all, the first weeks were still occupied with trying to convince her to get back together. So I decided that instead of doing the typical 30 days of no contact, I would instead do 60 days no contact, but after I was done waiting for 60 days of no contact to be over, she still didn’t get in touch with me.”
Well, she didn’t get in touch with you because you can’t assign a specific number to it. Some videos will say 30 days. Do 30 days. Or do 60 days. The only reason why I put numbers in my video is because it’s for the algorithm. I know this is what you guys search for, and I would never suggest to do 30 days, or 15 days, or 60 days. The number doesn’t freaking matter. What matters is her reaching out. You can’t control when someone realizes “Well, I screwed up.” Especially women, they tend to only realize this after a while. I had a comment on one of my videos yesterday. A woman. She made a comment on one of my psychology videos about dumpees versus dumpers and so on. The psychology of no contact. And she said “No, it just matters who broke up. Who dumped who.”
There’s some truth to that but mostly it actually is a gender-based thing that women look back on their partners not too fondly because they are more aware of the communication flaws of their partners. And so they typically think that their exes sucked. Men, not so much, because often we don’t even realize why did we break up when it happened? And so women need longer to realize “Hey, I made a mistake“, and have regret, and then reach out to their ex. And so that’s especially why 30 days is really awful advice, because typically, it can last longer than 30 days, especially if the breakup was not that clean. So don’t assign a specific number to it. It doesn’t matter if you did 30 days, or 60 days, or 90 days.
If she needs five months, then she needs five months. It’s just how it is. We don’t assign a specific number. And if you assign a specific number, you don’t find time to focus on yourself instead, because you’re always thinking “When is she going to come back?” So stop thinking about when is she going to come back? And instead, start thinking about what can I do while I’m doing no contact? What can I do for myself? And well, I’m a dog lover, so first thing I would do is, I would go out more often with my dog and have some good time with my dog. Because you know, appreciate the good things in life that you still have.
Well, he then says: “I really started worrying about our dogs being apart from each other, and our family breaking apart.”
Well, I think you’re more worried about you, the family, the life that you want to build with her, than your dogs. I think your dogs are going to be fine. Don’t worry about that. I assume your dog isn’t even thinking about it. Both your dogs aren’t even thinking about the other two dogs anymore. About each other anymore. So I think you are just both thinking about each other from now and then. So don’t worry about the dogs and just let time do its thing.
He then says: “One thing that really bothers me is that both me and my ex, we are quite the alpha male kind of people. We work a lot. We are goal chasers. And we are very assertive, and we tend to say what’s on our mind. I think that’s also why we clashed a lot with the criticism and the harsh words. It’s definitely one of our communication patterns that did not work out so well. The problem with this is that I believe that my ex is just too stubborn to get in touch with me and admit her regrets. We both have this tendency of wanting to be right. I already expressed my regret to her when I was begging and pleading a little bit, so she should know what I think, I made a big mistake and that I want to fix my mistakes. But it seems as if she is not willing to do the same thing.”
Well, you said that she was communicating some of her issues with you. So I think she is not that bad of a communicator. And okay, she is an alpha male. You both express what you. You’re very clear on this. You’re kind of stubborn people, but ultimately she’s a woman. What are women in general, on average? They are on average much more agreeable than men. What that means is they will be less confrontational. They will forgive people more often. They will not push for their needs, and for their desires, and for their wants as much as less-agreeable men tend to do. So that’s why also men often earn more than women. Because we just go more for the career, or the job, or the interview, or the promotion. We are just much more like “Fuck it! I’mma go for it.” Women not so much.
So just the fact that she’s a woman, that tells me she more agreeable as you, most likely. So just give her some more time. Eventually, she’s going to relax. Excuse me. Eventually, she’s going to realize that she made a mistake. And she just needs more time. So if she’s a bit more on the stubborn side, just give it more time and like I said, don’t give it a specific time. Just wait. Just wait. She’s gonna reach out eventually because she’s probably missing you. You’ve been together for, was it four years, right? Yes, four years. So there’s a lot of attachment. She cares about you. You care about each other and no matter what’s gonna happen now, if she meets someone else, or if she doesn’t meet someone else, there’s no way that she won’t think about you eventually and want to reach out to you, and see if she can rekindle. And even if she’s not willing to express her flaws yet and say “Hey, I made a mistake and I want to talk about this. Let’s try to work this out.” … eventually she’s gonna do it. She just needs some time to open up. And so just wait for her to reach out, so that you can then open her up.
He then says to wrap it up: “Could it be that she is just too stubborn to reach out to me? And unless I reach out to her again, no contact is useless? I know that’s not how you’re supposed to do things but what can you do when your ex just won’t say they are sorry? Please let me know what you would suggest in a situation like ours. I have watched many videos online but I just feel as if we are quite unique with our non-submissive personality types. Thanks for all the work you do and for posting videos for people like me.”
So first of all, you’re welcome. And is no contact useless? No because it helps her forget all the bad things. And she’s probably likely going to realize over time some of the mistakes that she made. Right now she’s putting all the blame on you. That’s what women do after a breakup. So no contact is not useless, especially if she’s stubborn. If you reach out now and try to make things happen, try to talk to her and try to get something done that she’s not ready for yet, you’re going to achieve the opposite result. So the only thing that you can do is if she’s not willing to say sorry right now, you have to wait for it. The fact that she used to communicate what she wants from you, tells me that in general she wants to make sure that the relationship is healthy. It’s just you didn’t have the right communication methods. You didn’t know how to communicate your grievances with each other, but ultimately she wanted to make things work. But you both didn’t know how to do it properly.
So there was a lot of bickering on her part but that bickering actually is a good thing because conflict means that someone cares about you. This woman cares about you. It’s just, right now, she’s not willing to admit that yet. So you just have to give it some more time and that’s the only thing you can do. And so while you’re giving it time, while you’re waiting for her to open up and to reflect more on these things, and reflecting on well, “Do I reach out to him? And do I say sorry?” You have to focus on this one: Unleashing the king within!
What that means is you need to make sure that you focus on yourself. You already thought about, I think you mentioned is that you’ve been reflecting on what went wrong. And I would do this a little bit more. But do it very consciously. Like, write it down on a piece of paper, and write it down with bullet points. What were your five biggest flaws. Your five biggest mistakes that you’ve made with your communication. Your five biggest mistakes with how you didn’t treat her right. Or how you didn’t take enough time for her. Attention, doing some of the things that she asked you to do. What was it? Doing the dishes? Something like that. They’re not big things. So what are the small things here and there that you need to change in your behavior and in your communication patterns? And also just focus on yourself. Get back on track. I think you mentioned this, right? You’re both alphas. You go for what you want. So what is it that you want aside from her right now? Focus on that. Focus on becoming a king. Focus on becoming awesome, because then once she sees that you are a king again, she’s gonna want you back. And also you didn’t beg and plead that much. So that makes it much, much easier.
So let me know what do you think about this advice? Like I said: Don’t forget to unleash the king within. And if you like this video, then obviously give me the thumbs up and subscribe to channel. And if you need some more help, there’s obviously more ways how I can help you. One, you can get my book “Unleash The King Within” from Amazon. The last third of the book, roughly… there we have it. The journey with your woman, talks a lot about conflict resolution and how to maintain healthy habits with your woman. So this part of the chapter of the book is going to be most important for you.
But probably also the second part of the book, which is all about becoming the rock in the surf. Becoming the man that your woman can rely on. And becoming confident. And I think there were some issues that you did, and I’m assuming you probably became a bit insecure when she started bickering. You have to learn how to deal with these things. So my book can help you.