Is my ex girlfriend testing me or is she a covert narcissist & is she using me?

Oct 31, 2021 | Breakup Advice & Get Your Ex Back, Toxic Relationships

Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

Maybe she wants you back. Or maybe she’s something that’s called a covert narcissist. If you don’t know what covert means, covert means essentially secret. So is your ex secretly a narcissist, and she is only using you for attention and for convenience, and it’s just nice to have you around? Or does she really want you back? Is she testing you, and she trying to figure out if it’s the right thing to be with you. And you essentially have to look at patterns. And sometimes it’s normal that an ex will pull away. And maybe it’s because you said something needy, or you did something wrong. But sometimes she’s just pulling away because she’s a mean bitch. And she is just using you. So I have a message from a guy. And let’s see what he has to say about this. And his situation, what do I have to say about it.

So he says: “Hi, please help me solve my situation with my ex girlfriend. I have been dealing with my ex being hot and cold, and giving me pretty damn obvious signs that she’s interested in me, and I don’t know what to make of it. One day, she’s into me, the next she’s gone. Everything with her keeps on going in circles. And our conversations don’t lead to anything like dates, getting back together, talking to solve our differences, etc, and it has been giving me a lot of anxiety. The too long didn’t read before I explain it in detail is that my ex has been messaging me over and over with small hints here and there that she’s interested. But every time she comes back, it’s as if there’s some kind of condition that I don’t meet. And she says she needs more space, time to think, and so on. This has been awful for my mental health. And I’ve had more than one panic attack in the last year about this, or rather about how I feel about us, myself, and her not showing me any love and appreciation.

So it’s very important to recognize if your ex is giving you a lot of anxiety, there might be something wrong. It’s normal to have anxiety after a breakup. It’s normal to get anxiety if your ex reaches out to you, if you’re still really clinging, still hung up on her. It’s kind of normal to be very afraid, not knowing how to cope and deal with the situation. But I have to tell you at some point, if you have continuous anxiety, and the situation is not resolving itself, there’s a high chance that there’s something wrong, there’s a high chance that she’s just using you for attention. Because ultimately, after a while, an ex either makes up her mind that she wants to be with you. And maybe she’s tested you a little bit. She’s gone a little bit hot and cold. Maybe she pulled away a little bit. But after a while she made up her mind. “Okay, fine, let’s get back together, let’s give it another shot.” Or she disappears.

And everything else is just back and forth breadcrumbing, hot and cold. It’s narcissism tactics. And this is why people often get anxiety in relationships, or rather after relationships. After a breakup. So it is a bit of a red flag that you are feeling a lot of anxiety. I’m not saying that it’s not normal to have anxiety. But if you really feel like you just can’t cope at all anymore, and your life is in complete disarray. And this woman is causing this array repeatedly, then you might have to reevaluate the situation and say, well, maybe she’s not right for me. Maybe I should keep my distance because this is never going anywhere.

So he then says: “So to explain our breakup in detail, she and I have been in a relationship for almost two years. When we started dating things developed really fast, and we had sex fairly quickly after the second date. Maybe it’s a sign that we’ve rushed too quickly into a relationship since we did have several issues in our relationship where we just couldn’t find common ground. And my girlfriend did criticize me often about simple things that I wouldn’t be doing right. Some of it was really simple stuff like her not approving of the kind of food we’d stash in our fridge. It often felt like no matter what I did, I just couldn’t do things right for her. I won’t pretend that I was perfect either. I didn’t always have enough patience with her need for attention and sometimes I would get agitated when I had to work, and she wanted to spend time together. Eventually, things got heated between us and we broke up in a very emotional fight.

So at this point, I couldn’t really tell whether she is maybe narcissistic or not. You did get in a relationship too fast. That is a bit of a red flag. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that she is a narcissist. Maybe she was love bombing you, and she was being way too nice to you. And then you wanted to be in a relationship too quickly, which could also just point to you being very codependent. And while she was critical of very simple stuff, like what foods to stash in the fridge, that’s a bit silly. Unless you stash freaking awful food in the fridge like maybe durian which smells horrible. Like, really smelly fish. I don’t know, man what would you have been stashing in the fridge. And so there’s a bit of criticism. But you should be able to work around that. And you didn’t have so much patience, she needed attention. And also, again, I can’t say if she is a narcissist at this point. Narcissists certainly do need attention. But every woman ultimately needs attention from you. So maybe you just screwed up there. So at this point, can’t really say anything. So let’s look further.

He says: “This happened very fast. Too fast for me. I wanted her back after I realized after a few days, that this was very impulsive. That it was a very impulsive decision. I tried talking to her and said that I didn’t want us to keep fighting and to talk about our issues. She said she thought our breakup was for the best. Afterward, I kept on begging and pleading very desperately for about one week. But nothing I said seemed to affect her. The worst part of it was that I saw her less than a week after our breakup, hanging out with another guy. And it kind of looked as if she was dating him. I didn’t know for sure. But it didn’t look like just normally hanging out with some guy to me.

Well, so that is starting to become a big red flag. Most people who are healthy, they don’t just start dating someone new right after a breakup. Think of it. I would say probably 80% of everyone who’s watching this video, maybe 90%, is not able to date another woman a week after the breakup. Even if you have rebound relationships, most of you just can’t have a rebound relationship right away. You need to process it a bit. And it takes probably at least a few months, maybe for some of it takes half a year to even a year until you have a rebound relationship. So it’s a bit of a red flag. This could be what’s called monkey branching, that she’s just hanging on to one branch, you, and she’s already starting to hang on to the next branch, the guy that you saw her with, and she’s only going to jump ship to the next branch once she’s secure that she has a new relationship lined up. It’s a bit of a red flag, definitely. Maybe she just can’t be alone doesn’t necessarily say she’s a narcissist, but it is a bit of a red flag.

He then says: “I was very jealous. And that made me send her a long letter about my feelings about us. And my reflections about where I went wrong. I sent her the letter via email, but she never responded to it. After this, I gave up and I also moved to another city because I couldn’t bear running into her. The thought of her flirting with another guy devastated me. I had resigned myself to the truth that she was in a new relationship. But then she started messaging me again.

So now the question is why is she messaging you again? Is the new guy… Did he disappear? Maybe he didn’t like her. Did he break up with her? Or maybe she herself realized “Well, this guy’s not that great. And fuck, I shouldn’t have broken up with my ex.” Who knows.

So he says: “When she talked to me, she said that she realized that our relationship wasn’t as bad as she thought. And she said she wanted to see me.

So like I thought the guy probably wasn’t that great. And she’s coming to the realization the grass isn’t greener on the other side. “And fuck I made a mistake.

He says: “I said, me too. I still have feelings for you. And I think I should have had more patience in our relationship. So everything seemed to go in the right direction. she happened to be nearby where I live. So I offered to meet up and we had a dinner they planned. But on the day of our dinner date, she said that she wasn’t feeling well in that she thinks she’s on her period. Sure, and said that she would need some other time, I asked when she’s free again, but she said that she has to leave town already.

So here’s a problem. It could be that she’s just testing you because you were kind of weak and needy, you’re begging and pleading, then you sent her a long letter about your feelings. And you also told her, I still have feelings for you. So you’re giving her a lot of power. And she basically has the choice to make do I get back with you or not? She basically does not worry right now, if she can have you back, she knows she can have you back. Any minute. Any second. As soon as she messaged with you, she could have you back. So in a way that could be a test. And if it was a test, it definitely turned her off. In the same way, if she is narcissistic, also, that gives her validation. And she can now just disappear if she got a little bit of her shot of validation. And now she could fuck some other guy again. So that’s a bit of a problem. So in both scenarios, you are losing in the situation.

So he then says: “Three months later, she reaches out again. I didn’t expect to hear from her. And she said that she’s staying with a friend in town, she’s suggested again to meet up. I agreed and jokingly said ‘You better not be on your period this time’ and she said, ‘Don’t worry, I just had my period.’..

So in a way, you’re kind of trying to put her in her place, but it kind of sounds needy and insecure. like as if you are afraid that she’s going to flake on you again. So that symbolizes neediness and weakness and insecurity, she can probably tell.

So he then says: “So this time our dinner date actually pushed through.

Good for you! Lucky! She could have also flaked on you because of that line. “I was really nervous and wasn’t sure if she would stand me up again. When I met her, she looked as gorgeous as always and our dinner was a lot of fun. We didn’t talk much about our relationship fuckups and just had good conversations.” That’s good. Don’t talk about your relationship after a breakup, just have fun, and try to seduce her. And if you can get her into the bedroom. That’s typically everything that you need.

So he says: “It was almost as if we had never met and we were getting to know each other again. After our date, I told her to go home to my place. And when I closed the door to my apartment, I mentally shouted ‘hell yes’ because I knew I was about to get laid. And I was excited that we get back together.

Yes, everything is going great. But there’s a big but that’s coming now:

We made out in my bed, and I thought everything was going fine. Until she cockblocked me and says that she’s not ready because she just broke up with someone recently.

So you’re basically the replacement, the plan B or Plan C or the plan D? Who knows. So she’s using you in a sense. And now she’s like “Nah, maybe I don’t want to do this.

And he says… “So because of that we didn’t have sex. We just fell asleep that night. And the next morning, I walked her to her car. That obviously didn’t go as I had hoped. But I was still hopeful since we had spent the night. Afterward, we kept on talking through messenger every now and then. But after a few weeks, it’s like she’s gone AWOL again, and she didn’t reply to one of my last messages where I sent her a cute dog video.

Well, it’s like she can walk all over you. I always say you have to be dominant, not a doormat. I might have called her out now at this point to say, look, you have to make up your mind. Because there’s a pattern of her being hot and cold. And you’re not gonna wait for her forever. Maybe you don’t have to be mean about it. But maybe you just say, “Look, I really liked hanging out with you. And I really liked that we made out and it seemed like everything was going great. But I noticed that you’re always going cold on me. And I want to start dating someone else. And I’m not saying that things can’t work out between us in the future, but I’m going to start dating someone else.

Because she needs to feel some consequences. I think she is realizing she can just come back. Back and forth. And you know, if she wants to have sex, she’s going to have sex. And if she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t need to. And it’s going to be fine for her no consequences.

So he then says: “She went AWOL. This kind of stressed me out because I thought things were going great and I didn’t really know what I had done wrong. I thought everything was fine. But clearly, there was some reason why she was ignoring my messages. I couldn’t really sleep properly during those times and I wrestled more than once with reaching out to her, but I realized that it would lead nowhere. I hadn’t heard anything from her again for nearly three months, until yesterday, when she sent me a message saying ‘Sorry that I didn’t reply. I was really busy back then, and kind of overwhelmed with my recent breakup, I was unsure about us. And she said that she needed more space and time to think.’

I don’t know what I should do now, I haven’t answered yet. It seems like we are back at square one. Do I invite her out? Again, it seems like she’s really confused about us. I was so close to getting back together with her. I don’t think I did anything wrong the last time she was at my place. So I don’t know what else I could still change about my behavior. What would you suggest I should do?

Well, I have to say, it sounds to me that you did everything right. On your second date, you had a bit of an insecure line there with the “don’t flake on me“. But overall, it was good. You had fun at your date, and then you brought her to your place. And at this point, this is actually where it should have happened already. Sex probably should have happened. Maybe she’s unsure about you. And that’s fine. We’re not gonna hold it against her. We can’t know what was going on in her life. But it’s a bit of a red flag, what I would do in your case, like I said, she could be a covert narcissist. And there is a case of saying that maybe she is just using you on this hot and cold. It’s kind of like a game to her. But I would suggest this: She gets one last chance. So I wouldn’t even go into the fact that she apologized and all of that stuff. And sorry that I went AWOL on you. I would say “Yea, it’s fine. I understand that you need some space And yeah, it’s cool. You want to hang out again?

And then you try to make one more date to happen. And then she either flakes again, or she doesn’t want to have sex, then you just move on and you find another woman. And actually, you should already start finding other women right now. This woman gets three strikes. After the third strike, you’re out there, and you’re going to start fucking other women. I’m not saying that she’s narcissist. But she clearly has a bit of a habit of at least being complacent and realizing that there’s no time limit, no deadline, no consequences for her. She needs to feel some consequences. So try to set up one more date. And then after that date doesn’t work out. Well, first of all, maybe you want to send me another message. But most importantly, you start to move on and you start to date another woman because it’s all about unleashing the king within.

And if a woman doesn’t see that you are a king. If you know you have how much history, I think that you mentioned, this was two years, you have history. And she should know how awesome you are. And if she can’t respect what a king you are, and if she can’t respect what great qualities you bring to the relationship, then there’s another woman who is going to. And she has had multiple chances now. So last chance for her and after that, you will say “Goodbye. I’m not going to do this anymore. Because there’s a queen out there for me, who is going to fuck my brains out. And she’s going to respect me, she’s going to love me. She’s going to be really happy with my presence.” And presence leads to passion. And passion leads to sex. You deserve awesome sex. So this woman doesn’t want you. It’s her loss.

And that was my advice. Let me know in the comments. What do you think? Do you agree with this take or you don’t? Of course, give me a thumbs up. And if you really like this, then subscribe. And aside from that, if you need some more help, you can get my book “Unleash The King Within” from Amazon, to talk about how to be confident. How to not be a doormat. How to be dominant. You can also get my training programs “Confidence King“, and “Financial Freedom King” and of course, you can always book a coaching session with me. And do not forget to unleash the king within. I’m Andy Graziosi. I help you unleash your confidence and become the man that women love. See you, kings. Stay sharp.

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