Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
Today I’ll talk about rebounds and what should you do if your ex has a rebound. A lot of you who have a rebound, or have an ex who has a rebound, think that you have to do something to get her back, but the reality is that most of the time that achieves the opposite result. I often say action for reattraction rarely leads to satisfaction. Often, when you do something to get the attention of your ex because you think she’s having a rebound…
So of course, you want to get her back over another guy that she’s dating. You’re trying to think of something smart to do or something smart to say and then it just backfires basically, and the reason why that happens and the reason why you want to do something is that it’s a human bias. We want to be in control. We want to feel like we’re taking action. We want to feel like we are doing something to drive our life in the right direction. Of course, often what happens is it just turns off your ex-girlfriend. So when your ex has a rebound, it basically just shows you that she is done with you right now. She’s disappointed with you. She then has found someone else who she thinks can make her happy and she’s doing that most likely as a very impulsive decision. She’s just broken up, she’s very emotional, she’s hurting, and she wants to get rid of that pain. So the easiest way to get rid of that pain is not to process it. Not to write a journal. Not to go to a therapist. Not to go to a relationship coach. Not reading books. No. The simplest solution is to start dating someone else and so she thinks well, everything is going to be fine if I start dating this new guy but the reality is very often that new guy is actually not that great and that’s not a solution.
You can’t just go to another man or another woman when you’re still broken and then think that this person is going to fix your problems. Of course, that’s not going to happen and so basically, what you have to do when your ex has a rebound… Well, the reality is you often have to do nothing at all and all you have to do is wait for that rebound to screw up, or your ex to realize that she doesn’t really like that guy, or she’s not that much into that guy and she starts to miss you and she reaches out. So I have a message from a guy who’s in a situation like this. His ex has a rebound and one problem that he had, was that he made a tiny, tiny mistake of neglecting his girlfriend, and sometimes it’s the small details, the small actions, that we don’t take that end the relationship. It doesn’t have to be big stuff. Sometimes we don’t realize how these small things turn our girlfriend toward another man or make her turn away. Make her feel disappointed. Make her feel like she’s not being valued and we don’t realize how a small change in our behavior could actually fix the relationship or help us to overcome the issues that we have right now. So let’s get into his message.
He says: “Hey coach I hope you can advise me on what I should do with my ex-girlfriend. She and I broke up three months ago and I’ve been in no contact with her ever since and now she’s having a rebound and I’m feeling confused and anxious at the same time about her rebound. I guess I will share my breakup story first.”
So it’s as I said. It’s obviously normal to feel confused and anxious at the thought of her being with another man. You’re thinking about what are they doing together. Are they having sex? And the truth is most likely they are having sex, although you can’t know that for sure, of course. The thought of her having sex with another man when you shared that special thing with her, especially when you’re younger and you haven’t had that many important relationships, yes it really stings like a motherfucker but like I said: Often you have to do nothing and just sit it out. Focus on yourself. Go your own way. Focus on what you have to do for yourself. And the guy in this message he has something that he has to focus on and that’s why it actually plays in his favor.
So he says: “I guess I will share my breakup story first. My ex and I had been a couple for roughly nine months and things were mostly fine. We didn’t have any big fights or anything like that but I was stupid and got too distracted when I got busy with my work and my upcoming bar exams. I couldn’t make much time for my ex back then and eventually, it got to a point where I didn’t visit her at all anymore even when she’d asked me to come see her. We were living roughly 30 minutes away from each other by car.”
So obviously that’s what caused the breakup. It’s what I said in the beginning: It’s sometimes the small actions that make or break a relationship. Now, it’s obviously very, very difficult sometimes to manage your life and your relationship. So in the scenario of this guy, he had bar exams. I’ve never taken bar exams but I think they’re pretty fucking hard. So he must have been studying like crazy. Plus, he had a job! So he was super busy. So it’s understandable that he had a tough time making time for his ex-girlfriend back then but it’s the small things, obviously. Your ex, your girlfriend, will understand when you’re very busy if you have so much stuff to do. She can emphasize with that but of course, she also wants her boyfriend. There’s only one reason why she’s with you.
Because she’s planning a life with you but if you are living two separate lives even though you are boyfriend and girlfriend, but not really, well, then why should she be with you? So in his case, the simple thing that he should have done is meet up with her like at least maybe let’s say once a week. Of course, you’ve been living away… 30 minutes away from each other so it’s a bit more difficult but it’s not like you need to present the entire world to her. She understands that you’re busy but a single date in a week, that would already go long ways to make her feel assured, to make her feel valued, to realize that you care about her and that you’re still going to make her a priority even though you’re busy.
And like I said: It’s very difficult to find that balance especially when you’re younger. I had that problem myself and I also see it in clients of mine who are also typically younger in their 20s. It’s very difficult to manage all of these different responsibilities and work can be very demanding, especially, I think in modern times, work has become way, way, way too demanding with technology to the point where we are always online. We’re always reachable. And we’re basically always just one message away from our boss or someone else to text us and tell us “I need something from you.” So that’s where boundaries are important. So for example, for me when I see messages on my YouTube channel or I get emails where someone wants advice, free advice for this YouTube channel,
I typically don’t respond on the weekend. Sometimes I might do it but ninety percent of the time, even though I feel a little bit bad about it, I will always say strictly “No. The weekend is not for work!” even though this is my purpose, even though I want to help all of you, even though I know that you guys are really hurting. I will not make time for this and you know why I’m doing this? Because right now, okay, I am single right now and I’m super focused on my career. I’m super focused on my business and on my goals, my grand vision for 2022, 2023, and further beyond. But I’m also aware that in the future, eventually, probably within the next year I’m gonna have a girlfriend again, and then I need to have boundaries. I need to be able to make time for her and so I made it a habit to say on the weekends it’s hands-off. I’m not going to let work get in the way. No matter how important it is.
There’s only one scenario when I would make time for work on the weekend and that is if a client of mine or a potential client of mine messages me and we realize it’s a super important emergency and then we have a specially scheduled session on the weekend where I make special time for it. But then it’s planned and discussed. You can’t just go on my website and book a session with me on the weekend. If you book it on a weekend you have to wait until Monday. I have emergency sessions but even on the weekends, you can’t book those emergency sessions. So you could book your session as soon as on Monday again. So I make it a habit to have clear boundaries on what I allow in my life because I know oh my God, you have no idea how busy it gets with this channel. Subtitles, blog posts, videos, content planning, keywords, working on courses, squeezing in clients, it gets so exhausting.
And so I need to have clear boundaries when I say this is the time when it’s either me-time or it’s time for my woman in the future. Of course, right now I’m single but this is something that you all need to practice. It’s important to always make time no matter how busy you get. You always need to find some rituals to reconnect with your woman and even if you’re studying for bar exams, for example, and you’re super busy and you can’t figure out “How do I make time? How do I visit her? How do we meet up?“… You don’t even have to meet up. Maybe have a zoom call or whatever. Maybe a zoom call, it doesn’t sound right for meeting up with your girlfriend. Maybe more like a WhatsApp call but you get the idea. Have a call. Have a little mini-date. Virtual dates are actually quite fun and they can be relatively short. It’s not about spending that intense amount of time.
A lot of guys always think that they have to spend insane amounts of time with their girlfriend to make her happy but that’s not the case. It’s actually just a matter of small reconnection rituals. So it would be much better to spend, for example, five minutes three times a day to find a way to connect with your girlfriend, than to spend like three hours on a Wednesday once a week. I’m not saying that’s bad. Obviously, that’s better than doing nothing but it’s the small moments that matter because women want to know repeatedly that you care about them because they’re very emotional. They care about relationships much more than we men do.
So it’s important to reassure them that they are important to you. That you really care about them. And that you love them. And once they know this, they will forgive you for all your flaws. They will forgive you when you get busy. They will understand when you have difficulties at work, or with some friends, or family, or whatever. Your woman is going to love you and she’s going to make compromises. Relationships are all about compromises because we always have things that get in the way.
All right, so that was a long tangent about just how to maintain healthy relationships in general. Let’s get back to the rebound situation. But you get the idea. It’s about being a good partner for your girlfriend and then if you are a good partner, how could a rebound ever make your girlfriend happy? Is your ex-girlfriend happy? Because if that guy makes the same mistakes that you’ve made but now you’ve changed, then she has no other choice but to realize that this new guy is worse, or just as “shitty” as you were. He has the same flaws, the same mistakes, and she realizes you actually might have learned your lesson. She has a lot of connection with you. She really cares about you. So let’s try it again. Gotta just drink something because I’ve been talking too much.
So he then says: “I’m not a simp. I know that it’s not like I could change anything about my busy schedule but in retrospective, I just became too complacent. I could have squeezed in seeing her every now and then just to make at least a little bit of effort but I must have made my ex feel like she didn’t exist at all anymore.”
Basically, everything that I just mentioned in my long tangent. I’m not gonna repeat anything here.
He then says: “Long story short: I am sure you can guess it… She broke up with me saying that she thinks I don’t care about her at all and that she thinks it’s best that we only stay friends. I didn’t do much begging unlike other people in your videos because I knew I had to focus on my bar exams and I was already emotionally fucked up enough after the breakup. Of course, I tried to change her mind but not longer than a week.”
So first of all, “congratulations” that you are not a simp and that you didn’t overdo it with the pursuit. Obviously, if you broke up, if she’s been disappointed, you wanted to change her mind. You wanted to tell her “I’m sorry. I’ve been busy. I will do better” but you couldn’t change her mind. But you only did it for roughly a week, not longer than a week, and you realized also this is important that you couldn’t really change too much about your bar exams and your work. But you’re also recognizing that squeezing in maybe a date once a week, or meeting up with her wouldn’t have killed you. You could have made time for it, even just driving over to her place and studying over there would have been better than not seeing her at all. So you recognize you have to focus on your goals. That’s a good thing. Obviously, you have to focus on your work, your career and your bar exams, and your ambitions. That’s important. But also, you recognize, well, there are some things that you did wrong.
So you’re not a simp. You’re not begging. You’re not on your knees. You’re not desperate and that’s really what everybody should take away from this channel. This is how you should handle a breakup. You should always focus on being a king. And this guy, he knew what he wants. He needs to focus on his bar exams. He unleashed the king within. He knows he screwed up, but he can’t change that right now. So he goes back to focusing on his bar exams. So good job, dude. That’s a really good approach. I know that must have been really tough because you felt anxious and I can imagine it must have been so difficult to work on your bar exams, studying, being able to focus, get the work actually done while feeling like shit, so kudos to you, dude. You’re really strong. I believe in you. You’re awesome and now let’s get back into his message.
So he then says: “I have since then found out that she has been starting to date a new guy who I assume must be a rebound. Finding out about that guy really kicked up my anxiety a notch and I started missing her like crazy which couldn’t be a worse timing with my bar exams coming up in two weeks. Worst of all, the reason why I’m writing this to you is because my ex recently messaged me asking me how I was doing and said that she just wanted to wish me good luck for my bar exams.”
It’s understandable that you really feel like shit. Finding out about the rebound, you’re probably wondering: “What is going on with this guy? Is he gonna replace me?” but if we look at this… Well, first of all, you’re still friends. So of course, she’s staying friends because she loves you and she doesn’t really want to sever the connection yet. So she wants to have her cake and eat it too, which is not a cool thing. So you shouldn’t entertain this. You shouldn’t talk to your ex and stay friends and act like you’re friends after you’re broken up. But it’s okay to stay friends of course, on Facebook or whatever social media platform you are on and still be there on messenger. Just don’t text her all the time. And so the good thing that you can see here is well, she’s having a rebound who should be making her happy…
She shouldn’t be thinking about you at all. If you think about this reasonably. if you would be with someone and you’re so happy with that person, you wouldn’t think about some other ex even if you have some connection with that person from the past and you still have some feelings maybe even for them, but if that other person makes you perfectly happy why would you care? So she’s messaging you. She’s thinking about you. She remembered the bar exams. She probably wants to encourage you to get it done even though that was the cause of the breakup. She actually messages you because of them so that should tell you something. So I’m not suggesting that things are currently not working out with the rebound or that they’re close to breaking up, but she’s clearly having some doubts. She’s clearly thinking about you and she’s thinking about how you’re doing. And she probably also knows that it must have been really tough on you with the bar exams coming up and then breaking up was really difficult timing. You know, like that cliche…
Like breaking up on Valentine’s Day or New Year’s, or Christmas. You know, these kinds of things which couldn’t be worse timing. Of course, there’s never really good timing with breakups, which is why they suck so much and this is why women probably often feel really bad when they break up with someone because it’s just heartbreaking when you break up with someone. And you can’t find the perfect time especially if you want to value yourself and want to be happy. When is the right time to find the time to break up? So she must feel bad as well but clearly, we can see she does still have feelings for you, otherwise, she wouldn’t be messaging you at all. So that’s actually a really good sign!
So he then says: “I don’t really know how to talk with my ex at all anymore. I am just freaked out when I hear from her and I’m afraid that I’m going to say the wrong things to turn her off. Obviously, I still want my ex back. I know that I shouldn’t have neglected her so much and with my bar exams almost done I know that I could finally relax again. I know I shouldn’t keep my hopes up but I wish I could get her back but then there’s the rebound guy who she’s dating and I don’t know if I can or should do anything about that dude.”
So nope! As I said at the beginning: Action for re-attraction rarely leads to satisfaction. Really, you have to do nothing. You don’t even have to message her because as you can see after what was it… Three or four months? After three months of breaking up, she’s already messaging you again so she’s having doubts about the breakup. She’s having doubts about not being with you anymore and despite the fact that she’s with some other guy who probably is having sex with her and should be making her happy, she’s still thinking about you. That is a pretty good sign. So all you have to do is actually nothing and let that guy screw up. You shouldn’t talk about the relationship. You shouldn’t talk about bar exams and you shouldn’t talk about how you did things wrong. You should only bring that up if she brings it up.
You should just wait for her to break up with that guy and I’m not going to say that I’m a prophet and I’m going to be right about this and that this is 100% going to happen that she’s going to break up with this guy, but there’s probably some trouble in paradise. It’s not a great sign that she is already messaging you. I wouldn’t even suggest that she doesn’t get along with this guy or they’re having fights or something like this. Of course, this could be the case as well but I’m just thinking that she’s just not feeling it. She’s realizing this was an impulsive decision. Dating this guy is completely useless. It solves nothing. She still has feelings for you and that guy, while he’s nice, she just can’t emotionally attach to him because she hasn’t really processed the breakup anyway. So she hasn’t grieved. So how could she start dating someone else?
Because if you think about it, you have been dating was it nine or seven months? Nine months I believe. Yes. Nine months. So you’ve been dating for nine months. It’s very young. So at the time when she broke up, I don’t think that it has been an eternity since she considered breaking up. So often what happens with long-term relationships is that your girlfriend basically has been considering breaking up for three months, four months, six months, a year. For long-term couples and couples in marriage, or couples that have been together for ten plus years or so it could literally be something that has slowly happened gradually over one, two, three years. So she has not really thought this through.
She just knew she doesn’t feel happy anymore and eventually she drew the line but it wasn’t like it was a decision that she thought about for months. It just came up eventually after maybe it became too bad. She gave it a thought for maybe three weeks or so. Maybe something like that and then she did it but now she realized this was the wrong decision. So you’re probably thinking you are in a really bad spot right now with the rebound but it’s not so bad. And like you said your bar exams are almost over. So it’s the perfect time for her to break up with this guy, or to go on dates with you again. If they’re not exclusive, hook up and then basically get back together. And you don’t have to talk about the relationship until she wants to talk about it. You don’t even have to convince her. She is going to convince you eventually.
So he wraps it up by saying: “Since my bar exams are coming up soon I am not sure if I should let her know how things went after the results come out. I guess it’s kind of weird since they are the reason why we broke up but at the same time she asked me about them before, so I don’t know, man… What would you do?”
Well, yeah, they were the reason why you broke up but she clearly cares about you/them and they’re a good reason for her to reach out again. So I would not tell her about the bar exams. Why? Because that shows her that you still care about her. That you’re chasing her and she made the mistake here. Don’t get me wrong you made a mistake. Obviously, you neglected her so there was also some fault on your side. You could have found some ways how to give her time. How to make time for her and to show her that you care, but ultimately she kind of made the bigger mistake here. I would say you didn’t do something super awful. Your situation was quite understandable and she can definitely forgive something like this. So your bar exams are coming up in a week or two, right? And then bar exams, I googled, I don’t know if this is the same in every country but it takes something like three months apparently to get the bar exam results.
So roughly three months from now you could tell her, but I would rather wait for her to ask you and honestly, the chances are that she’s going to know. She’s going to wonder about that. I don’t know if she knows the exact date of the bar exams when they’re coming out. Maybe she’s googled it like I just googled it. Maybe she knows the exact date and then she’s going to wonder. Maybe she checks out your social profiles. Then you can post about your bar exams because if you pass the bar exams… Hallelujah! That’s something great! Something awesome that you achieved! You focused on yourself. Keep on doing that! Keep on focusing on yourself and then when she sees that like… “Wow, he passed his bar exams!” Maybe you passed them with amazing grades despite all the stuff that you went through. She’s going to wonder “How did I ever break up with you?!” You’re so smart. You’re so dedicated. You’re so ambitious. And nothing can bring you down. That is sexy!
Then, eventually, she’s gonna message you again and you can probably assume it’s not guaranteed but there’s a chance that by the time you received those results from the bar exams or maybe even sooner, she has already broken up with this rebound and she already reached out to you. Like I said you don’t have to do much. You don’t even have to convince her to get back together. So everyone who’s watching this video: The thing that he’s really doing right is he’s focusing on himself. Now, I don’t know if he’s doing that out of mindset or because he has no choice. Obviously, he had no choice. He had to go to work. He had to do his bar exams. So he was just so busy that maybe he did it subconsciously but the bottom line is he really focused on himself. He honed in on his skills, his passion, his purpose, the things that he wants to do in life.
Bar exams… I don’t know if those are only for law or also other fields that are related, but you clearly want to aim high in life. You probably want to become a lawyer and work at a big law firm. So you are someone that is trustworthy, respectable, someone that a woman wants to be with. And you’re also probably in the future going to deliver a lot of stability, trustworthiness, and money. You are basically going to be a catch, dude. So either she realizes she made a mistake, she fixes it, and she comes back or the reality is you, you are on the best trajectory to find another woman who will make you happy.
Someone of your caliber, someone with your skills, someone with likely your income in the future can have almost any woman because dude, that is sexy! You’re successful. You can afford whatever you want to do. You’re going to have some freedom. You can travel. You’re going to have a nice car. Whatever status symbol you want, you’re going to have it. You’re going to look really grounded to any kind of woman because you got your shit together. Despite everything that you went through with the breakup, you still managed to do the bar exams.
So you are truly a king. You already unleashed the king within. Keep it up and everybody else should do the same thing. So don’t do anything. Just wait for her to reach out to you again and then you should just basically try to see if you can meet up with her and don’t even mention the rebound. And maybe when you meet up you can kind of figure out if she’s seeing that guy. She might actually tell you, but the bottom line is you have to seduce her again. Eventually, if the rebound is over, or even if they are still dating but they’re not exclusive, there’s nothing that is stopping you from making out with her and showing her that she should come back to you and I have a feeling you have a pretty big shot for this to happen.
So that’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, never forget to unleash the king within. You’re already doing this. Everybody else, keep on unleashing the king within as well.