Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
What’s up, kings? In this video we’re gonna talk about hot and cold after a breakup. It’s a common thing that happens all the time when a woman broke up with you and she’s not really sure what to make out of the two of you. She still has feelings for you but she’s not really convinced to get back to you. So I have a situation here with a guy, he sent me a message and he broke up four months ago. So let’s get into his message.
He says: “Hi coach, four months ago my girlfriend of almost three years broke up with me. We had our problems but I thought they could be fixed and I was devastated. She said she was depressed and felt tied down but never wanted to give up on us. This always confused me because she was adamant she did not want to be in a relationship with me, but always left the possibility of us getting back together. I let her know how upset and confused her decision made me but I was respectful of it, after all I can’t make someone be with me, after all.”
So you’re quite right about this and this was the right way to go about it. Obviously, it kind of hurts that after three years she wants space all of a sudden, and what does it actually mean? It means that she wants to discover if she wants to date someone else. Is there someone better out there?
And she wrote here in your reply, you say “she never wanted to give up on us” and that’s true. She probably hoped that things would change but at the same time she didn’t try to find a solution to make it work so her solution is essentially breaking up. So right now she doesn’t believe that things could work out and that’s why she’s thinking “well maybe it could work out with someone else. Maybe someone else can make me happier.” Because after three years she kind of lost hope.
So he then says: “Since then we have hung out one to three times a month. During these meetups we would make out, tell each other we love each other, and be incredibly close. I’d always tell myself that this doesn’t mean we’re getting back together to taper expectations, but shortly afterwards she would stop reaching out to me and I’d be left feeling absolutely miserable.”
So it’s actually quite good. She is still hanging out with you. She is actually making out with you. It’s essentially kind of like friends with benefits or early dating. That’s a good thing, but obviously here’s the problem that she is being hot and cold. So after you meet up she disappears all of a sudden. So maybe there’s someone else in the picture or maybe she doesn’t feel ready to date with you yet again. I don’t know. If there maybe are some things that you’re talking about that are causing her stress. Maybe you’re bringing up the relationship too soon but whatever it is, she’s not ready to commit yet. Maybe she’s dating someone else as well on the side, you never know.
So he says: “Throughout the first three months I was extremely depressed. I’d be manic and get panic attacks. I eventually started to see a therapist and try to figure out ways to turn my life around.” Good job. This is really hard about after a breakup, that we just can’t cope, and get panic attacks. I used to have this before as well once with a girl when I broke up. I just could not cope. The relationship was about two years ago and I was getting ready to marry this girl, and I could just not function anymore.
So seeing a therapist is really a good choice to fix yourself, because that’s the best solution how you can convince her to be with you again, and if things don’t work out then, either way, you fixed yourself. You get over your panic attacks, over your anxiety and you will find a better woman or a woman that just makes you happy. Not necessarily a woman that’s better. There could be another woman that’s just exactly as great as the one that you met right now. The bottom line is you will be clear on what you want. You will not be having panic attacks. You won’t be hanging on this woman anymore, and you’ll be ready to jump into a new relationship. So good job seeking out a therapist. That’s a good step.
He then says: “About two months into the breakup I found out she started to see someone who actively pursued her in a rather shitty way while we were together. I knew they talked occasionally but she would show me texts of him crossing any boundaries and ignored them. So I never thought she would be interested but this further upset me and it made me question a lot of our relationship. It also motivated me to be persistent and initiate another meet up with her to exhibit the ways I’m changing to better myself.”
So actually as I understand it, she started to already see someone or talk to someone while you were together. This is very common people who have no integrity. They look for backup plans while they’re in the relationship and especially women do this a lot because they have a lot of options. They always have admirers. There’s always some beta male orbiter who’s ready to basically get into her pants and so she felt unhappy and there you go, she’s actually starting to pursue someone else or starting to talk to someone else, so in a way this is actually cheating. This is a very common pattern. It’s not cool. If you would date someone with integrity they would just leave right away.
And the fact that you’re saying she pursued that person that’s the difference between actually pursuing someone or just being hit on by someone, right? And then obviously, if you would have integrity, you would still say “hey sorry I’m dating someone” but at least it’s not as bad as actively seeking out people that could replace your current boyfriend or girlfriend. That’s just not the right way to go. So you are saying that you are trying to… “you try to be persistent and initiate another meet up with her to exhibit the ways that you are changing yourself for the better” and I wouldn’t even do that. I wouldn’t shove it in her face that you’re changing yourself.
She should be able to see that herself and also why would you want to show that to her, if she started to pursue someone, a rebound relationship, even before you already broke up? That’s not cool. That’s really hurtful. So I don’t know when you found out about this but if you found out about this right after the breakup that would be really hurtful. I would be devastated if I found out, and probably that’s also why you had panic attacks. Because the woman that you loved and that you thought you could make things work with, she was already basically talking to other people and that’s quite hurtful. So I didn’t know if I would want to show to her that I changed myself. Sure you should show up as your best always every single day whatever you do. On your social media. At work. With the people that you meet. Your social interactions.
But I wouldn’t force it onto this woman because in a way she doesn’t deserve it. She actually needs to win your trust back in a way because she’s the one who broke up and she’s the one who had a rebound relationship, so the one who actually isn’t doing things right is her. Now I’m sure she probably had a reason why you broke up, right? There are reasons why you made her not happy and she lost hope that you could change your ways, but at the same time, I’m sure there are things that she didn’t do right, and so why should you be the only person who proves to her or to prove to each other that you are actually improving yourself? She needs to do that as well because she clearly has an integrity issue. So that’s food for thought.
He then says: “When we met up everything went the same way as the other instances but this time I told her everything I was working on. Lots of stuff that I won’t get into it and she wanted me to move on. This time in the aftermath I saw on social media, on his, that she didn’t really post anything about him and that their relationship was starting to bud.”
So yeah, like I said, I wouldn’t have shoved it in her face. You know, you can talk about what you’re up to, but I wouldn’t be bragging or saying like “hey look how awesome I am and how these goals that I’m pursuing and so on” and it’s always this competition of who’s doing better and as soon as you’re trying to prove to someone that you’re doing better than them, that’s basically already the proof that you’re not doing better than them, because if you would, then why would you need to prove yourself, right?
So one thing that I do is, I’m obviously a dating coach, but I also have a training program that’s called “Financial Freedom King” and it’s a crypto trading coaching program. So I teach people how to make more money in sustainable ways with crypto trading. And crypto trading is a great way to make money, and there are a lot of people who pretend that they’re doing so much money and they’re making so much money with crypto trading, and they’re posting about it all the time, and “to the moon!” and blah blah, you know “I’m getting rich” and that’s all great, I guess… I never do this. I never post about my crypto gains ever because I just don’t give a shit because if you are really the shit at something, if you’re really making moves and if you’re climbing the success ladder with whatever you want to be successful at, you don’t need to prove that to other people.
So you know, why would you shove it into people’s face? They should just be able to see that by the way that you live your life, right? So me, I’m a digital nomad and that’s how you can see that I have a good life and that I have good social status. I don’t need to shove into people’s faces with a Facebook post every week “today I made money with crypto blah blah blah” I mean that’s just bullshit. Okay, so I would have toned it down a little bit but that’s just how it went, so yes.
He then says: “Eventually, I called her out via text on the relationship she started. She told me he didn’t mean anything to her and when she was around me she couldn’t resist kissing and being close, that she still sees the possibility for us but not anytime soon and that we both have a lot to figure out.”
So here you’re making the mistake that now you’re kind of becoming controlling. You’re not even in a relationship. Yeah, you could technically call her out on the rebound stuff but at the same time that’s kind of done. You know, I would tackle this if you ever actually get back together, then I would have a conversation about the things that didn’t work out and I would tell her “hey this thing that she did with the rebound relationship, that was not okay we need to set some ground rules. If you are unhappy, we’re gonna talk about our problems. You’re definitely not gonna talk to other men and I’m not gonna talk to other women. We’re going to solve our problems.”
You know, set some ground rules for what’s okay in your relationship. I would not be calling her out on this right now because you’re basically just pushing her away into the arms of the other guy. You’re kind of symbolizing that you are keen to get back into this relationship and you’re feeling threatened. She can feel that and so I always say “a woman who trusts discovers her lust” and right now she probably trusts the other guy more because you are being needy and that’s turning her off. So that’s why she’s telling you that… let me just quote this again: “We both have a lot to figure out.” Well, she thinks you have to figure out your insecurity and she probably thinks I want to figure out how much I’m gonna fuck the other guy. That’s basically what’s going on here. So that’s just a bit of a truth bomb.
He then says: “This conversation was kind of comforting to me. I realized that I shouldn’t be initiating contact anymore so I take this time to go on some dates and shift my focus to slowly start to feel better.”
So that’s the good thing that you’re doing. Now, this conversation with her shouldn’t feel comforting because you know she basically told you know, you know, she couldn’t resist blah blah blah but in the end she’s telling you that you both still have things to figure out. So that really means “right now I don’t want to be with you so that’s why I need space” Well, the bottom line is she’s not with you, so there’s nothing comforting about the situation. She’s basically just telling you what you want to hear so that you tone it down a little bit, and she can put you back on the back burner until she figures out she “wants to keep being with this rebound guy, or do I want to get back to my ex?”
And yeah, you shouldn’t be feeling comforted about that. So it’s a good thing though that you are going on dates. Shift your focus and start feeling better and once you start dating other women, maybe you have some good sex, making out, even though you might be still hung up on this woman, and you still want to get back with her, and you still have to hope that maybe you can figure things out, it will feel really great to be with other women. And maybe it will work out with them. You never know. Maybe it won’t and then your ex comes back. Bottom line is you have choices and that gives you freedom.
So he then says: “I was still sad about no longer having my best friend but I was NOT manic about the situation and for almost a month we made absolutely no contact.”
That’s the right way to go. Focus on yourself. Focus on the women that you’re dating. Don’t focus on her.
So he says: “That is until last Saturday night when she texted me that she missed me and thinks about me constantly. I gave in and responded.”
So there’s nothing wrong with responding here. The no contact is obviously working. She’s starting to wonder “well is he moving on?” and then she tells you she misses you so you did the right thing here.
He says: “I told her i missed her too. We ended up making plans to get dinner that day. I found out that she ended things with the other guy who, surprise, treated her like shit just two days prior, which gives me pause but ultimately I was just happy to see her and be with her again. That said I didn’t want to just be a rebound rebound.”
Well, there’s nothing wrong with that. You know, she realized this guy sucks, so now she’s getting back to you and trying to figure out “well I haven’t heard from him for quite some time. Is he dating someone else? Is he going to move on?” and now she wants to figure things out again. Obviously, she has insecurities but she’s telling you she misses you. She reached out, she broke up with the guy so now you’re back in the game and you have the chance to make it work right now. So that’s not a bad thing. Obviously, you don’t want to be the guy who constantly is being called upon, being strung along, and is the guy that she just uses whenever she feels lonely. So eventually you will need to draw a line and say “hey okay I guess it’s time to just start to make up your mind. Are we going to date or not?” And obviously, you don’t want to put that label on too soon, but eventually, you need to have that conversation, of course.
So he then says: “After a couple days it was clear she stopped reaching out after the meeting, so I reached out to her and she admitted she was not ready to start seeing me again, but she still does have strong feelings for me. Even though I expected this I find myself super sad again. I know i’m not going to reach out to her anytime soon or at least try to at all, but I’m not sure if I can resist if she were to reach out to me, especially since I know she struggles with depression. I want to support her.“
Well, so all you have to do is whenever she reaches out to you and you hang out you, seduce her, you have sex. And I haven’t heard any mention of actual sex here in this message so far. You’ve been hanging out. You’ve been probably making out, having a good time, but are you basically having a lot of sex? Right, that’s how we lead to relationships. That’s how we lead to friends with benefits, right? We start a date slowly, eventually, we have sex. Depends, some people, some men are able to have sex faster, depending on how confident you are. But eventually, you start to have sex and then you have sex one time, then you meet up again, you have sex again, and whoops, you know, two weeks later you are basically de facto a couple, even though maybe you haven’t put the label on it yet. The fact that you haven’t put the label on it actually gives the woman comfort because she just gets to open up to you until she herself wants to put that label on the relationship.
So he says: “He wants to support her because she’s depressed. How do I support her without being emotionally vulnerable? What do I do if she reaches out again? With the possibility of us getting back together I don’t want to ignore her outright.“
Yeah like I said, you don’t want to ignore her and you know, also if she needs support, reaches out, you want to give her that support, of course. But you obviously want to keep track of how often does this happen and you also want to keep track of is it your fault that it’s not going anywhere? So obviously, if she’s basically giving you signals that she cares about you, that she wants to be with you, and she wants to be close to you, and then you meet up but you don’t hook up, you don’t have sex, you’re basically not leading the situation towards becoming a couple slowly again. Then she has no reason to actually get back with you, right? Because she can also just have sex with other guys long-term but still get her cake and eat it too with you and get the emotional support.
So you know, there’s nothing wrong with being emotionally vulnerable and being supportive, but you wanna lead the conversation and the interactions to sex and slowly get back into a relationship but don’t put the label on it. Just make her feel comfortable so that she can be around you and feel happy to be around with you, because obviously, if you look at this other guy that you said treated her like shit, obviously, seems like he wasn’t the right guy who gives her both great sex and great emotional support. So if you can give her both you are a winner already. The king is already a winner. So let me just wrap it up here.
He says: “Too long, didn’t read: Although the contact is minimal my ex-girlfriend who struggles with depression sends me mixed signals about the state of our non-existent relationship after a fling with her rebound ends I can’t let myself move on with the possibility of us getting back together.”
Yeah, don’t move on, move forward. Keep on dating other women because obviously this is kind of stressful and the more that you have more options, the less this is going to stress you, and so if she can make up her mind, well, yeah that’s up to her. If you are having sex with another woman at the same time, then it’s not stressful because you can then decide “okay maybe it’s going so well with the other woman” that you decide “well you know what? I appreciate that you still have feelings for me but this other woman here is starting to make me really happy” so that’s awesome and if that is not the case because she’s not the right one for you or whatever reasons you might have that this other woman that you are dating doesn’t give you what your previous ex could give, then you still have the choice with the ex and so yeah, move forward, don’t move on.
But obviously, eventually, you have to draw the line with the hot and cold and say “hey this is not cool. So either we don’t date anymore, make up your mind.” Obviously, you want to say this in a very understanding way but sometimes you have to put your foot down. You want to be dominant, not a doormat. And then you just see where it goes and eventually maybe you will realize that this is just going to be a friends with benefits relationship with your ex. Or something, that is just sexually intimate but she’s just not ready for it and you can’t do anything about that.
Like I said, don’t put the relationship label on it. You want her to feel comfortable around you and I wouldn’t reach out to her that often as well. Let her reach out to you because she has to realize that she’s losing you. She’s the one who actually screwed up here even though I am sure you made mistakes in the relationships and you should reflect on those. She’s the one who broke up, who screwed it up, who had a rebound, so she has to make it up to you as well.
So I hope that was helpful. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Of course, give me a thumbs up and subscribe to my YouTube channel. If you need some more help there are a few more ways how I can support you. First of all, you can get my book “Unleash The King Within” from Amazon. I talk a lot about these kind of situations. Hot and cold, how to be confident, how to speak your mind with women, that is not disrespectful, how to put your foot down, how to become dominant. This is probably very helpful for you. You can also enroll in my “Confidence King” training program, or my “Financial Freedom” training program, or you can of course always book a coaching session with me. And I’m going to see all of you kings in the next video.