Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
What’s up, kings? If you’ve been dumped by an ex or someone that you’ve dated, then chasing her is possibly one of the worst things that you can do. When you love someone you have to give your love as a gift. You can’t force yourself onto a person. You have to give your love as a gift and the woman has to want to receive that gift. There’s no other chance for her to fall in love with you. So I have a situation from a guy here who got dumped by a girl and he’s being very needy, very insecure. He made a lot of mistakes and he’s trying to chase her and this is why she’s pushing him away. And so I’m going to give my thoughts here on why are things not going his way.
So he says: “I want to understand what exactly went wrong in my relationship with this woman whom I dated recently for three months only. We both were very nice friends, then one day I proposed her becoming into a relationship.”
Well, so first of all that shows me you’re over-invested because three months is not really a relationship yet. It’s kind of casual dating. Maybe you could theoretically call it a relationship but three months, it’s not really a very serious relationship at this point yet. It’s still early dating, and getting to know each other, and figuring out do we actually really want to be together? So you have a bit too much investment in the relationship already before it even properly started.
He then says: “Everything was going too good. She used to reciprocate my texts and calls and made time from her busy routine, but as soon as we got into a relationship she all of a sudden got cold and acted weirdly within one week of our relationship.”
So everything was fine until the relationship, which tells me there’s probably something that changed in your behavior once you started dating.
So he says: “She started ignoring me when I chased her. She pushed me into the friend zone and the reason she mentioned was that I acted like her ex. So she got scared of me why I chased her. She was busy with some work as per her, but that’s not true. I know she did this intentionally. She was testing me and I was… and I acted insecure and possessive.”
There are two things that I want to mention here. First of all, she has obviously a pattern of dating exes that are insecure. She mentioned that you are like her ex before. That tells me that most likely she has an avoidant attachment style, which means she needs more space than the average person from her partner, and from people in general. And what then is common with avoidant people is typically they date insecure, anxious people. So people that need a lot of validation, and you are someone who needs validation, and who needs to know that everything is going fine in the relationship. That’s her pattern. It’s not necessarily something that can’t be fixed or that is a problem, but you need to both understand each other’s attachment styles and how you function, because you have to communicate what you need from each other.
She sometimes needs space, you sometimes need less space. You need validation from her and ultimately long term you need to figure out how do you communicate these needs, and where do you find the middle ground. So the second thing that I want to mention is you said that she was testing you and that’s why she started pushing you away and becoming cold and distant. But I don’t think that she was testing you when she was pulling away. She already tested you before that. When a woman pulls away, typically what it means is you already failed her test. And so sure she’s still testing more to see if you become more needy and insecure, but at the point when she pulls away, she already realized “This guy is probably not for me. He failed my tests. I have to escape from this situation.” and that’s why she’s friend zoning you.
So he then says: “Then after a few days of normal talking on call when everything got normalized again, I asked her why she did this. So she said yes, she did this intentionally to break our habit of daily calling and texting. She was not feeling free in this relationship. She said she thinks we are nice as friends but in relationship, you are behaving over-emotional, over-available, and insecure.”
She got scared by this chasing behavior. It’s just what I said before. She has an avoidant attachment style. So in general a woman would never want you to chase her. But if she is avoidant, she even wants to chase you even less, she needs her space. You mentioned that she has a busy schedule, so she feels like she’s not free. She’s not free to do whatever she wants. She wants to have time for herself. She doesn’t want to be on calls and texts all the time. It should be a woman who’s reaching out to you. It’s a feminine quality. Connection with your partner is a feminine quality. It’s not like men don’t have this quality as well, but it’s definitely much higher in percentage in women. So men maybe reach out to their partners 40% of the time. 30% of the time. Women, 60%, 70%. So you have the wrong balance of feminine and masculine nature between the two of you. That’s why she’s being turned off.
So he then says: “Coach, I have noticed one thing as she rejected me indirectly and put me in the friend zone, but after some days she used to reciprocate my calls and texts. I thought now everything is working between us. Now she was into me again and showing interest. So I asked her if she is ready to give commitment. So she replied ‘Give me space for some days. I’m feeling burdened & no freedom in this relationship and friendship. I wonder and I want to understand my emotions and feelings for you.’…”
So as soon as you give her some space and time, she’s starting to feel she can trust you again and I always say “Once a woman trusts, she will discover her lust.” But as soon as she starts trusting you again, as soon as she reaches out, what do you do? You try to put the relationship label on it. You ask her “Are you ready for a commitment?” Why do you ask her that? The only reason why you’re asking her that is because you’re insecure and you’re scared that you’re going to lose her. All you have to do is when she reaches out and she wants to spend time with you, you have to give her what she wants. Give her your attention. Give her your time. Hang out. Make out with her. And eventually, you seduce her. But what you’re doing is, you’re jumping over like three steps. I’m not sure if you know this meme.
This is what you’re doing. You’re basically skipping all these necessary steps for her to want to be in a relationship and put a label on it. Now, I know she agreed to date you. I don’t know if she agreed to “Let’s be in a relationship.” but clearly she is not ready for it. All you should do is hang out with her, have fun, and eventually, you start having sex, and then eventually she will become more comfortable around your presence. And presence leads to passion. That’s all you have to do. You don’t have to ask her “Hey, are you ready to commit? Are you ready to be in a relationship?” That is what a woman would ask. Definitely not what a secure man would ask.
So he then says: “I decided to give her space, but the thing is after three days I texted her a simple good morning. She ignored my message the same way she did last time. So I got scared that she will reject me so I chased her and she blocked me from everywhere.”
Again, you’re not giving her space. After three days, you’re texting her good morning. Why would you do that? She told you she needs space. She feels burdened. It seems like at this point you’re not really dating anymore, or at least you’re not in a relationship, or there’s no label on the situation. So I wouldn’t text her and I certainly wouldn’t text her good morning. You will send a good morning text to someone that you love, that you’re with together, that you are dating. So for example, if you’re in a relationship and let’s say you’re currently not in the same house. You’re not living together, or maybe you are on a trip or something like that. Yeah, then you would say good morning.
You’d send a good morning text just to show your girlfriend “Hey I love you. I miss you. I’m thinking about you.” and that gives her reassurance. But right now that doesn’t give her reassurance because she actually wants space from you. So she literally wants to escape that situation right now. It’s like, imagine you’d be dating and you’re living in the same place, and you wake up next to someone that you don’t want to wake up next to, and you’re not happy to see them, or spend time with them. That’s how she feels right now. So that’s not going to work and that’s why she blocked you.
So he then says: “After a few days I called her. She acknowledged that she was aware that I was scared and insecure but she didn’t like that. She also asked why I asked her for commitment. ‘Everything was going good. I was not thinking about our relationship, but all of a sudden you ask for commitment. I think we can’t continue anymore because your behavior scared me. You are impatient, pushy, and crazy.’…”
Ouch! That is an honest and hurtful truth bomb. But she is right. I mentioned this earlier and she says it here. Why did you ask for commitment? That’s what she’s asking. She didn’t want commitment. She just wanted to spend time with the guy that she liked. She liked you when you were not insecure. When you were not needy & when you were not pushy. So when you were friends, everything was fine. And that’s why she agreed on dating because until that point everything was perfect and whenever you’re not chasing her, she feels like she’s ready to commit. Now, she’s not ready to put the label on it and show to all her friends “Hey, we are in a relationship.” but she’s ready to commit time for you. But what you’re doing is, you’re then asking for commitment of “Hey I want everyone to know that we are in a relationship.” and that’s not something that you can, that she can commit to right now because she doesn’t trust you yet. So that’s where you’re screwing up.
He then says: “I started begging and pleading, which further turned her off. She unblocked me but then I used to convince her to come back because of which she got angry, and irritated to listen to the same shit again and again. I even asked her some tough questions, like whether she is cheating on me and why she did this intentionally.”
Now you’re getting in incredibly desperate and quite frankly, a little bit pathetic territory. Obviously, begging and pleading never works. It’s quite lucky that she unblocked you, to be honest. I don’t know why she did it because you didn’t have that many good things going for you. So either she really does care about you to some extent, it’s just she realizes you don’t know how to deal with the situation. But maybe she was hoping that you will learn your lesson. But now you even suggesting that she is cheating now…
Put yourself into her shoes. I would assume very likely that she was not cheating on you. I would assume that probably now she’s starting to feel that she wants to date someone else because you’re very insecure and ultimately dating is always a competition. You’re always competing against other men and if you are being too insecure and needy, then the other men are going to win. Obviously, if you’re dating a woman of integrity, she will break up or she will just not give you false hopes, and then she will start dating someone else who she knows will give her the stability that she craves. Now, I don’t think that she was cheating, and you suggesting that she is, is quite hurtful. And it’s quite disrespectful. Imagine if you would not be cheating on someone, but then they say that you have been cheating! It reminds me of this situation… once there was this election in the US. The democrats had this debate with Bernie Sanders and what was it… Elizabeth Warren.
And Elizabeth Warren said something like “Bernie Sanders said something like women can’t be president.” So she basically was trying to make a point that he made this bad statement about women, at some point in the past, and then Bernie Sanders says “No that’s a lie. She’s a liar.” and so when she after the debate, Elizabeth Warren comes to over to Bernie Sanders, and in quiet she asks him “Hey, you called me a liar.” And she basically said what the hell man?! And that got caught on camera, and it became a news thing, and that’s kind of how she’s feeling. She’s like “What the hell are you saying?! Are you suggesting I’m a liar?!” I mean anyone who is a person of integrity, not a liar, and then is being called out for a liar, a cheater, an abuser, or something like that… something negative. That person will be really upset. So she must be really upset with you and you are just pulling on straws here, man. You need to stop this. Just assuming that she’s a cheater is not going to bring her back. You need to stop being so insecure. The only reason why things are not working… It’s not her behavior. It’s yours. It’s your insecurity.
So he then says: “So she blocked me again.”
“She even got aware that I am stalking her friends and her friends on Instagram. So she asked everyone to turn on their privacy.”
It’s getting worse and worse. At this point, it’s like that kind of person that you need to call the police on. So you’re doing way too many bad things here. You need to stop stalking. Stop being obsessed with her. Your obsession is the thing that caused the very thing that you want to prevent from happening. Everything was fine until you started becoming obsessive and you’re just getting worse and worse. You’re going down that rabbit hole and at this point it’s getting quite hard to recover from this, quite frankly, because she doesn’t even feel safe anymore, and imagine how she feels. She needs to tell her friends “Please block this guy!” So that puts a really bad light on her. Now she’s looking bad in front of her friends because she has to justify “Look there is this guy that I dated. I made a really bad judgment call. Please block him. Don’t be concerned about him. He’s just a little bit crazy.” So what are her friends thinking? You have to stop this behavior. You have to realize that you’re fucking up big time.
So he then says: “She doesn’t want them to get stalked or wants them to get in touch with me, nor does she want anything to do with me. Also, she is acting as a victim in front of her friends and new office colleagues with whom she is hanging out nowadays. She is portraying me as a crazy guy who is behind her and she doesn’t want me anymore. She is not portraying herself as a victim.”
She is the victim. I’m sorry to say this but she has been acting pretty normal. Maybe she has been testing your security. She has maybe been doing shit tests, perhaps. The bottom line is you certainly fail them and when you fail a woman’s shit test, you don’t fight back. You don’t get angry. You don’t say you’re cheating. You don’t chase her. You don’t invade her privacy. Don’t make her feel unsafe. All of these things. This is why she feels that she’s the victim. And she is the victim in this situation because you’re basically being a burden on her. She said this way before that everything feels like a burden and she’s not feeling free. And that was even when it started. Now imagine how she feels now compared to back then.
Maybe you’ve heard of this crazy hot scale with women. Now, it’s kind of really strange that I have to use this scale for you, but imagine if when you started dating you were like a one out of ten on the crazy scale. You were not that crazy. Then when she dumped you, you were maybe a three crazy. Dude, right now you are a 10. So you have to really tune it down. You have to get back to a one. You have to stop being so insecure and really scaring her. She is the victim here. I’m sorry to say it but you need to accept the truth and so I have to say something first before we get further into this.
Yes, she is the victim but you don’t have to beat yourself up about it. So you’re clearly screwing up. You’re definitely making mistakes. That doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. It’s just your current state and you have to learn some things about how to behave differently with a woman to be less insecure. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Now, you’re probably feeling like she’s portraying you as something like a predator, or something like that. And that is quite frankly how she feels. But that feeling can change and you can change as well. The way that you feel right now that’s not really who you are. That is just how you’re feeling because you’re very emotional. You care a lot and you’re probably having an anxious attachment style. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person but it also doesn’t mean that she isn’t also a victim in this situation. So you have to understand where she is coming from.
So he then says: “Coach, I want to understand women. Before coming into a relationship, a woman acts hot and heavy. Then what happens to them? Why do they turn cold in a relationship all of a sudden, start testing you, and are acting weird?”
Okay, so well the truth is you are the one who is acting weird. Women will always test you. They test you the first time they get to know you on a dating app. Or the first time that they run into you. They will test you on the first date. They will test you in random conversations. They will test you once they started dating. They will even test you after years, if you’re not giving them the attention that they want, for example, after a long time when you become too complacent in a relationship. They will test you. They will see how you react to her being upset about not getting enough attention. And when you become insecure you’re not passing the tests.
So women are always testing you because they want to be with the most suitable man to give children to them, quite frankly. And if you are not passing those tests, if you’re weak and needy, well then she’s gonna think “What’s gonna happen down the line? 10 years from now? Is he going to be able to take care of our family? What if things go wrong? Where things go bad? What if one of us loses our jobs? What if both of us lose our jobs?” She needs to be able to trust you. So that’s why she’s testing. So why do they go weird and why do they become cold? Well, because you are not passing those tests and you are definitely not passing those tests.
He then says: “Then they push us into the friend zone. They find an issue in our behavior, but they are still interested in us as friends. They use us emotionally and sometimes they’re not physically ready for a relationship. How to convince women to be in a relationship and maintain a relationship with them?”
Well, they push you in the friend zone and they want you emotionally, but not physically because they did like you. So there’s still the possibility that they’re entertaining to be with you, but for that to happen, they need to discover their trust, and then they will discover their lust. They need to see that you are going to pass the tests that she’s going to throw at you. Women are like a wave. Sometimes they’re calm and sometimes they’re like a freaking onslaught. And if you’ve ever surfed and been hit by a huge wave… I still remember the first time that I got hit by a really gigantic huge wave when I was a beginner surfer and I didn’t know that I was in a pro area. Holy crap! That traumatized me! And that must be how you’re feeling right now. Well, you know, it’s ebbs & flows. Ups and downs. And right now she is throwing some waves at you. They’re crashing at you and she wants to see if you can withstand them. She wants to see if you can get back on track. Can you get your shit together? Can you stop stalking her? Can you stop asking for commitment? Can you stop sending her good morning texts? Can you stop messaging her all the time?
What you need to do is stop chasing her. It’s the worst thing that you can possibly do after a woman has dumped you. Right now she has no interest in you. The only thing that you can do right now is hope and bet on the fact that you had really good chemistry and overall you got along quite well, but you fucked up quite a bit for now. So you have to retreat. Get away from her. Don’t care about her being cold. Don’t care about her being distant. Just ignore that she is pulling away for now, and then hopefully in the future, she will reach out again. And then you have to make a difference in your behavior. So last time, the first thing that you did when she came back was you asked for commitment. Again, she doesn’t have freedom. Do not ask for commitment when she comes back. If she reaches out to you again, then you spend time with her. You start to seduce her. You kiss her. You have fun with her. You show her that she can have a good time around you without feeling pressured to be in a relationship, and then eventually once she trusts you, she is going to want to be with you.
I always say “couples who play have a reason to stay” She needs to feel that it’s fun, comfortable, and just really exhilarating around you. Right now she doesn’t feel that way. So you just need to give her a good time until the time that she is ready to commit to the relationship. And then don’t push for it all the time. And don’t be afraid if one day she’s busy with work, or she’s busy with her friends. You as a man should be busy as well. You said that she has a busy schedule. So what about you? You’re a man. What are you busy with? What are your goals? What are the things that you want to achieve? If you think about it, you as a man have a lot more testosterone than women.
That means you should be more focused-driven, goal-driven, achievement-driven. So get back on track on the things that you want to achieve for yourself. You have to unleash the king within and then she is going to fall for you once she sees how awesome you are. When she realizes that you’re no longer chasing her, that’s the time when she feels comfortable around you again. So I hope that was helpful. Give me a thumbs-up, and subscribe, and don’t forget to unleash the king within.