Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In this dating advice, we’re gonna talk about making an ex jealous and how it often can backfire. I got a message from a guy who tried to make his ex jealous and it didn’t work out at all now she is dating someone else.
He says: “Hi coach, I urgently need your help. I don’t know what to do. I think I really messed up big time and upset my ex even further than I already have. After our breakup, I went crazy about all these no contact videos and started watching videos about getting an ex back non-stop and I came across some videos that suggested to show your ex how happy you are and essentially putting on a little bit of a show in an attempt to make her feel intrigued about why you’re so happy all of a sudden.”
So there are a few problems with this approach. Number one, you went crazy about watching those no-contact videos. Now, you’re probably thinking “Well, what the hell coach Andy Graziosi?! What the hell, you are posting lots of no contact videos!” But if you look at my channel, about sixty, seventy percent, eighty percent of my videos are not about getting an ex back. They are really about unleashing the king within because if you go crazy about getting your ex back, you’re never gonna get her back because you’re coming from such a huge place of desperation and neediness that you will just be so consumed with trying to get her back, and you will never focus on becoming a better man.
A king who can win his ex back. So you need to have the right priorities. I’m not saying you shouldn’t watch some no contact videos but you should focus more on yourself than focusing on your ex. So that’s problem number one. The second problem is, of course, well, you’re trying to put on a show. That’s not going to work and your ex can probably feel that. And manipulation is never going to work in dating in general and especially with getting an ex back. Your ex can probably feel when something is going on.
So he then says: “Of course, I started doing no contact because before that I begged and pleaded for almost three weeks and I know that I really screwed up hard by being so intrusive and not giving her space. Needless to say, after I screwed up so much and I pushed my ex as far away as possible, I finally started getting my act together and began no contact.”
So it’s a good thing that you realize that this is not working. Obviously, if an ex breaks up with you and she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you for whatever reasons, pushing more and more, and begging and pleading will achieve nothing. Because at that point in time she’s done with you and she has to make up her own mind that she misses you. If you continuously beg and plead she can’t even miss you because you’re literally in her inbox 24/7. She’s probably most likely even going to be quite annoyed with you. So it’s a good thing that you started doing no contact but you’re still focusing on getting her back, which is why you’re probably not getting the results that you want.
He then says: “After some time I started wondering how I could get my ex-girlfriend’s attention and saw the suggestion that it’s a great idea to have some posts on your social media with some girls to show that you’re happy and having options. So that’s essentially what I did. Long story short, I did a lot of posts on Instagram about me enjoying going out on trips and hiking, lots of selfies, etc, and I also took a picture once with some girls at an al fresco nightclub / open mic. So I took a picture with those girls in my arms left and right and posted it on Instagram.”
We have the same problem: You’re still obsessed with your ex. You’re basically trying to get her attention. Everything revolves around her. You are not going on hikes, you are not going on trips, you’re not having fun or going to late night clubs and open mics for fun and for recreational purposes. You’re doing it to prove to your ex “Look! I’m doing just fine. I don’t need you and this is why you should take me back.” But as long as you keep this up as a facade, it’s never going to work because you can tell, you should have that mindset of going out to open mics. I love open mics. But I go to open mics because they are just fun. I love poetry nights. I love music nights. I go there for fun.
And I don’t think about anyone but myself. I think about what do I get out of my life for myself. What’s fun for me? What is fun for you? This is why I asked at the beginning of the video when everyone who subscribed, let us know that you’re a king and what quality about you is a king. What’s going to draw your dream woman to you? Because you have to focus on what makes you awesome, not for her, but for yourself. Unleash the king within. It’s super important. If you don’t do this, well then it’s never gonna work out.
So he then says: “Those girls were actually just some of my friends that I would hang out with frequently, but of course, I didn’t want her to know that and I figured she wouldn’t be able to figure it out because they were relatively new friends that I had made after the breakup. Anyway, long story short: I made a post on IG and Facebook with a caption that said ‘what more can you ask for than cocktails and friends like these?’ … So I didn’t explicitly state that they were my dates but the picture was really sexual. Here’s the picture for reference. I think you can get the gist of it. I tried to make my ex jealous and send a message about how happy I am hanging out with these girls.”
So I’m not gonna show the picture but it’s basically a typical nightclub picture. He’s out, you can tell there’s probably alcohol involved and stuff like that. Nice lighting in the pic. And he’s holding them in his arms. It’s not super sexual. It’s basically just having these girls around him like “Look! I got game! I’m with these girls. Look at me. Man, look at me. Girl, I don’t need you anymore! I’m so happy!” but here you are desperately projecting this image out onto her. She can probably tell. I mean you’re literally essentially screaming for “please pay attention to me!” …”What can you ask for more than cocktails and friends like these…?!” Normal people don’t make these posts. Honestly, maybe if you go out with friends you probably just have stories but you wouldn’t most likely make posts like this where you’re boasting about how great life is. And how great life is with these women. She can probably figure out that these friends are not girls that you’re dating, even though these are new friends that you made after the breakup. She can probably feel that you’re trying to manipulate her and you’re trying to showcase “hey look I’m totally over you. Please come back.” She can tell. I’m sure.
He then says: “At first I didn’t get any reaction from my ex but I didn’t really think about anything of it. So I wasn’t sure if she saw my post but after a short while I received the big bad news when I found out that she was dating someone! My big shock: I also saw that she had unfriended me all of a sudden, which made me panic like crazy. And I almost sent her a long message expressing all my feelings about it.”
So as you can see you totally still care about this woman. And I’m not bashing you for caring about her. But obviously, if you pretend that you don’t and then all of a sudden you really do care about her, you’re really not congruent. Even yourself. It’s not even about your ex. It’s about you. You’re not living your true authentic self. Anyone who gets to know you, whether it’s a new woman, or your ex, they will tell that there’s something off about you. They will tell that right now you don’t seem to be a king. “So maybe you are not the right choice for me.” And well, it backfired essentially. Because now she’s dating someone else and she unfriended you. Maybe it did have an effect. Maybe she did actually care about you because obviously, after a relationship, maybe we regret the breakup but we don’t really know how to reconcile. We stalk our ex. we check their Facebook profile every now and then, or Instagram, and so on. And we’re thinking about “maybe I should reach out to my ex.”
She might be thinking during no contact “maybe I’m going to reach out” but then she spots these posts that clearly are designed to agitate her, to make her angry, or to make her jealous and she knows what’s going on. She’s not stupid. She knows what you are doing. She figured “well, fuck you, man!” Look, you sucked. For some reason, you broke up. She’s already angry at you and she’s trying to figure out “Can we reconcile this. Maybe things weren’t that bad. We both make mistakes. Let’s fix it. Let’s talk about it.” But now you’re basically showing to her “I’m still the kind of guy that she cannot love” because you’re trying to manipulate her. You’re not treating her lovingly. You’re not mentioning anything that went wrong in your breakup, but this is the problem. You are not doing something that’s loving.
You are trying to gain power over her. That’s the wrong approach. You should just go out and have fun and not throw it in front of her face. That you’re just having fun for yourself. Just take pictures, that’s fine. It’s fine to post but you don’t have to put this fake front up. “Look at how happy I am. Halle-fucking-luya! Life has never been better!” Who the hell actually buys that shit?! You just had a breakup, so clearly life is not perfect. Most people are incredibly distraught after a breakup. Why would you pretend that you are not?! So I’m not telling you that you need to pretend or show that you’re doing awful if you’re hurting. It’s fine. You don’t need to say “Oh I’m so depressed. I’m so sad.” and so on and so forth. You don’t have to do that. But you also shouldn’t say how happy you are. You’re just somewhere in a neutral spot. It’s ups and downs. Some days it’s good. Some days it’s bad. It’s okay. It’s okay to struggle and sometimes feel like a king and feel awesome. Sometimes it’s okay to feel awful because you miss your ex. That’s the right approach to go for. Being honest.
So he says: “Fortunately I managed to control myself but I was close to making more of a fool of myself. It’s almost as if she saw my post and that post made her angry. I think trying to make her jealous backfired and it drove her further away into the arms of another man. Now I don’t know what to do. It’s as if all I do is always making it worse. I tried to show her that I was doing okay, going out with friends, and that I was getting over the breakup so that she’d forget how insecure I WAS before, but I believe all I achieved was alienate her even more.”
Well, you are still insecure. You were not insecure. You ARE insecure. Because you are still focused on getting the validation and the approval of this woman. If she doesn’t love you, your life completely is on pause. I don’t know why she’s dating this new man. It could be just that she’s dating this guy because she just started dating someone. It has maybe nothing to do with you. Maybe it factors into it. Maybe she met someone new and she was still weighing “Should I date this guy? Maybe I’m not ready for it.” Could be a rebound. She wants to be careful but then she sees your post and maybe that gave her the last little bit of motivation to start dating this guy.
The bottom line is she’s now dating some other guy and now you can’t really do anything about it. She unfriended you but it’s not the end of the world. She didn’t block you. Maybe she just possibly also doesn’t want to see you with these girls. That could also be the case. So that could also be why it backfired because you think of it… You are hurting a lot yourself right now. You realized oh wow she unfriended me. That hurts! You realize she’s dating someone, another man and now it hurts. Maybe you can deal this with this yourself. You don’t want to see that she’s dating someone else. Actually, you’re about to mention this here! So he says.
That’s how he wraps it up: “Now she’s dating someone else and they look really happy.”
Well, doesn’t mean anything. Because you also pretended to look really happy but you clearly aren’t. So you can’t assume that she is happy just because she’s with that guy. I’m sure she might be happy with him right now but there could also be reasons why she’s not happy herself. Maybe she’s not happy with the relationship because she thinks she’s rushing things and she knows that she’s doing it for the wrong reasons. There could be all kinds of reasons why she’s not happy. So I wouldn’t really look into this. Don’t stalk her Facebook or Instagram and so on. It’s not gonna lead to anything productive.
So he says: “I can’t help but look at her Facebook profile and see her happy pictures with another man. It’s tearing me apart inside. I can’t sleep. I can’t stop checking what their relationship status is and I can’t concentrate on work. I need urgent help to solve my fuckups which never seem to end. Please, I need a strategy to fix this.”
All right, here’s my strategy for you. Your problem is that you need a strategy or rather you think that you’re gonna play 4d chess. You’re gonna outmaneuver her. You think that you are going to figure out exactly the right steps of actions to take to get her back, and don’t get me wrong, there’s not something hundred percent wrong with this. Obviously, you need to make the right choices. You need to figure out okay what am I gonna do? What am I not gonna do? This is why I help my clients with figuring out hey what’s your next best step? And this is why I make these videos. But strategy alone, techniques alone, like you try to do here, making someone jealous, they don’t solve your problems.
Your mindset will solve your problems. What will solve your problems is to stop focusing on this woman. Stop thinking that you’re doing no contact and hoping for the day when she comes back. Hopefully, she comes back someday. But you need to live your life. If you go out to some al fresco nightclub, to an open mic, I don’t know if you maybe play an instrument, or maybe you just love poetry, expression, creativity. Just go there for fun. Just go there to hang out with your friends. Just go there to quite frankly meet your female friends. And they are nice company! Go there to meet other people and go there to meet other women. Focus on your mindset of becoming happy again. Because obviously, what you’ve done hasn’t worked so far. So why would you repeat what hasn’t worked? That’s foolish. What you should do is you should try some new things that could possibly work. I’m not saying that just by stopping obsessing over her you’re gonna get her back. But it’s going to increase your chances because you will find back to your center. And you will become a king again.
And once you become a king, your queen, she’s going to rediscover her lust. She’s going to trust you again and she’s going to wonder what’s going on with you? And as long as you pretend that you’re happy rather than being happy, she will be able to tell and it’s not gonna work out. So well, so that is my advice for you. What you need to do is stop trying to actually solve this whole situation. I know you want her back. I know you’re calculating every move and trying to figure out what’s the right thing to do but this is not something that you can just solve like a business plan, or I don’t know. How am I going to grow my YouTube subscribers more? That’s just not how relationships work. Relationships are about communication. It’s about honesty. About vulnerability. It’s about being real with each other.
And right now you couldn’t be possibly less real with her. So that is your problem. You need to start being real with yourself, with her, with your social media profile. I wouldn’t even post so much anymore. Just focus on some things that are important for you right now in your life. Aside from your ex what’s important to you right now? Is it your career? Is it a new job? Or maybe you want to transition jobs? Is it a hobby? Is it something new that you want to try? Is it a passion? Is it volunteering? Helping people in your community? There are so many things that you could keep yourself busy with and fall in love with. So fall in love with something and become a king.
That is my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what do you think about this? If you like this give me a thumbs up, of course. And subscribe to the channel. And of course, let us know what you think about this. Do you agree with my take or maybe you don’t? What do you think should he have done?
I would love to hear your thoughts and if you need some more help you can get my book “Unleash The King Within” from Amazon. This will help you to get back to your masculine center. You can also enroll in my coaching programs, I mean in my training programs “Confidence King” training and my “Financial Freedom King” training, and of course, if you need hands-on advice, if you need to help with figuring out how to get back on track with your life, then book a coaching session with me. And with that, I will see all of you kings in the next video. I’m Andy Graziosi. I help you unleash your confidence and become the man that women love. See you, kings. Stay sharp.