Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In this video I want to talk about a situation where a guy is into a woman, they’ve been dating, but there is an ex in the picture and so now he is feeling insecure and he is afraid that his girl is moving on and basically getting back with the ex. So we’re going to talk about how the no contact rule can help him here.
No Contact After Short Term Dating: How To Make No Contact Work — Never Get Too Attached Or You’ll Fail
I really need to clear my head on this. Any sincere input would be greatly appreciated. I will try to be as concise as I can. I have been dating a woman for about a month we really hit it off and everything clicked. We told each other that it felt like we have known each other for a long time even though it’s only been a month. We told each other our darkest secrets that we have never told anyone else outside of our immediate family.
So there’s a lot of chemistry. You’re feeling like you’ve never had a connection like this. And it’s typically, I would say, not the best idea to share all these dark secrets right away. Not because you don’t want to share these secrets, and because you don’t want to bond and be very intimate, but I think you just take things a little bit more slowly. It is kind of tempting to get into relationships too quickly and rush into it when we feel all this infatuation and when we feel like that person is just so special.
And when we feel that way we don’t have an objective perspective on that person because you want to wait a little bit. And for example, these dark secrets, they might sound great on paper when you’re totally into that person, and nothing anyone could say about them would turn you off, and any red flag that anyone could tell you, that she could tell you, you just don’t care. But if you give it a little bit more time and you’re a bit more objective about it with your emotions when they’re not running so high, then you have a bit more perspective to think about: Well, these secrets actually sound kind of awful. Do I actually want to date you? I’m not saying that’s the case with her here. That’s just general advice what I think is a good approach, to slowly ease into relationships and also how much you open up. Give it a bit more time. Don’t rush into things.
Her Ex Is Still In The Picture: She’s Confused Because Her Ex Is Back And She Returned To Her Ex
She confessed that she is in love with me but trouble started when her child’s father, her ex, came crawling back to her begging her to get back with him despite the numerous times that he lied and cheated. They broke up just a few months ago.
So this guy is doing a lot of weak and needy stuff. Begging and pleading. Like “please, please, please take me back” and they only broke up a few months ago. So she probably really doesn’t like him right now because he lied and cheated, so he wasn’t a good guy. He really screwed up actually quite a bit, and if they’ve only broken up a few months ago she still has that quite in the back of her head that he lied, and he cheated. That’s not a small thing, right? I mean that’s betrayal. That’s breaking trust and trust is not that easy to regain.
She was in a dilemma. She claimed that she loves me and not her ex.
And that kind of coincides again with studies on breakups. Women just don’t love their exes after breakups. They’re done with them, especially in a case like this where someone betrays you so much, you just can’t love that person, and women especially, they just don’t want anything to do with a person. They just think “wow you’re a scumbag.”
She said that she loves me, not her ex and she would be with me, however for the child’s sake she wants to give her ex one more chance to see if he’s really changed and she wants to see if she can fall back in love with him again.
And it is a reasonable thing from her side to give it one more chance because it’s actually a good thing for a child to grow up with a father and to grow up in a healthy environment where the child can learn gender roles and learn from both sides, masculine and feminine. There are plenty of studies on this that children who grow up in either parenthoods, in environments where the parents don’t get along, or with single mothers, single fathers, they have emotional problems. So it makes sense that she wants to give it one more last try to see if maybe he really changed, and maybe he can improve, or maybe he has improved.
Don’t Pay Attention To What Others Think: Friends And Family Almost Always Hate The Ex After A Breakup
Almost everyone in her family is against her going back with her ex as well.
That’s always the case. That doesn’t really say much about the situation because everyone who always looks out from the outside doesn’t get the clear picture. Because we always tell the other people only our perspective how the other person has mistreated us. So obviously he has lied and cheated, so there is a lot of merit to her family not wanting her to get back with him, but even if he wouldn’t have done that, even if it was just a bad breakup, when you take each other for granted, and you don’t treat each other nice anymore, a lot of arguing, or a lot of resentment…
People will always say the most biased stuff. So that by itself doesn’t actually say that much. But I agree in general, obviously, if he lied and cheated, he deserves to not get her back unless he really worked through things. And even then it’s really up to your.. well, she’s not your girlfriend… the girl that you have been dating. It’s up for her to make that decision if she really wants to do that, because it’s up to any person to decide if they think it’s worth another try.
Anything can be fixed most of the time with a good therapist. If you really do the work, anything is possible, but it’s not probable. It’s not that easy. It really takes commitment. There are actually studies that, for example, couples who have huge relationship problems, once they start seeing a therapist, 70% of those couples can fix it. But those couples are really committed. So the question is: Is her ex committed to fixing it? That is the real question.
She Went Back To Her Ex Will It Last: When Her Ex Came Back Into The Picture Will She Fall For Him?
My question is this in your experience is it likely for her to make herself fall back in love for the sake of her child?
Well, I think she’s emotionally attached to him and so in a sense, she’s still in love with him, even though she doesn’t.. she still loves him, even though she’s not in love with him. So is it possible for her to make herself fall back in love with him for the sake of a child? Anything is possible, especially since they have a close bond, a long history there. They have raised the child together and just the fact of planning to have a child or having a child, there’s so many tight-knit things that go into this. You’re literally planning your life together. So of course, they have a lot of things going for each other, but there’s also one really bad thing that speaks against it:
He cheated and he lied. So they’ve only broken up a few months ago and what are the odds that he’s changed that much? It’s possible but it’s also just possible that he’s desperate, wants her back, is telling her what she wants to hear, and they will just fall back into the same old behavior patterns. I always like to say “couples who play have a reason to stay” meaning that couples who don’t fight a lot and instead have a lot of humor and don’t take things so seriously, everything’s lighthearted, you’re having fun, and you’re just enjoying your company, and just going on trips, and vacations, and you know, you’re having fun and playing with each other, and funny witty banter. Things that aren’t sarcastic, or mean, demeaning, anything like that.
As long as you keep it light-hearted. Those kinds of couples, they stay together, because why would you want to break up with a person like that? But if people don’t play, if instead they fight all the time, they break up. That’s just how it works. So you have to ask yourself: “Are they going to play?” Is she going to stay or are they going to just basically smash each other’s heads in again, and he’s still the same liar, and cheater, and whatever led to all of this lying and cheating.
He’s still that same man and it’s not gonna work out.
The Grass Is Not Greener On The Other Side: When She Starts Dating Someone Else Always Let Her Go
Should I wait for her or move on? I walked all alone outside at 2am in the morning for two hours listening to her favorite song over and over again. And I still can’t get my head straight. Please, any advice would be appreciated.
So I know that feeling when you just can’t think about anything else and you just miss that person because you had something really good going on, and then this guy comes into the picture and he screws it all up, and there’s not much you can do, because especially with someone like this where the ex has a child together, that’s a really strong connection and a strong relationship. That’s not something very casual, so of course, she’s gonna try to make this work one more time, and essentially what you have to do is you have to let that guy prove to her that he’s not right. And honestly, as soon as she tries it with him again and these same patterns show up over and over and very quickly, she’s going to realize “this is hopeless” and what’s going to happen?
She will probably reach out to you, and maybe she will tell you about it. Maybe, I don’t know. Maybe she will seek emotional support. She will basically think about “well, I need an exit strategy. This was a mistake. I should have never gotten back with my ex. He’s still the same guy and we can never make this work. This is not good for our child. So let’s see if he (you), if he’s still available and if you can in a sense forgive me for ditching you.”
And when that happens, when she comes back, most likely because he probably hasn’t changed that much in a few months, all you have to do is take her back and just let her know “hey, no worries. It’s okay. I know you had to give this another shot. I’m not mad. Let’s just hang out.” And you have to set it clear of course. Set clear boundaries what you want. You don’t want to be her friend. And let her know “okay let’s give it another try” and she will probably let you know that she wants to give it another try, okay?
And just don’t be upset. Don’t be angry. And this is where you have to do no contact or limited contact. So obviously, you don’t have to not stay in touch with her, right? Because you ended things on good terms. I would say it’s just a shitty situation. You don’t have resentment but I wouldn’t encourage you to message her all the time, right? If she reaches out to you and she talks to you, it clearly means that she still cares about you and that there’s probably trouble in paradise.
And when that happens you essentially just have to facilitate it for her to break up. And it depends on the situation, obviously. But if she’s not really committed to him yet and she’s just trying to test the waters with him, then sometimes you can actually have some dates with her and try to do what you’ve been doing before that worked and you know then eventually it’s going to lead to seduction and probably what you’ve had before. Sex, or rather she would want that.
And then eventually the inevitable thing will pop up that you have that talk about “hey can we give it another shot?” or maybe you won’t even talk about it. You’ll just have sex and if they’re not casual, yeah “goodbye!” He had his chance and that didn’t work.
So I’m not suggesting that she should cheat on her ex if they are back together, obviously, because that would be the same thing, the reason why she broke up with him in the first place. That’s not what I’m saying at all. But you get the point. If they’re not really fully committed, if they are not really properly in a relationship then she has the option to walk away. It’s the same thing if you would have two people that you’re dating casually and you’re not really exclusive with either of them. She doesn’t have a commitment to him yet and so maybe you can make things happen again, once when she signals to you that she wants to make things work again.
