Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
What is up, kings? It’s Andy Graziosi, helping you unleash your confidence. Grab your favorite beverage. Today we’re gonna talk about what to do if an ex says she needs some time to think. There’s kind of two scenarios how this can go. So number one is she really just needs some time to think. She’s not really sure. You just broke up. Maybe you’ve done something that really pissed her off or she has really doubts about you. So clearly, she needs to think. But the other scenario which also can happen and typically leads into that scenario is that she first needs some time to think. She wants to break up. She’s not really sure yet but then after a while maybe, she still needs time to think and she just repeats it over and over. I need more space. I need more time. I need some more time to think.
At some point you have to draw the line and say “Well, okay, what are we going to do now? Are we going to keep this up forever? Are you just going to make me wait for the rest of my life until you make up your mind?” You don’t want to become Plan B, basically. You don’t want to become parked by your ex-girlfriend. So I have a situation from a guy where he’s kind of slowly getting into this territory where his ex is telling him she needs time to think. Makes sense! But then she just prolongs it. So let’s get into his message.
He says: “Hello coach, my girlfriend, if I can still call her that, has been giving me confusing messages about what she wants. I did mess up after some communication issues where I became insecure and too defensive with her and she got upset with me when I wouldn’t make enough time for her.”
Pretty understandable. You should have just made the time for her. So that’s probably why she’s pretty pissed with you and he says: “We had a fight recently and I impulsively broke up with her. For your info, I am 27 she is 24. After I realized that I really hurt her. I tried to appeal to her to get back together but she was super disappointed and angry at me and seriously, if looks could kill, I’d be a dead man by now.”
Yeah, so sure. She is three years younger than you and you kind of broke up very impulsively. So okay, you had some issues there but it’s not cool to just impulsively break up. That’s not very well thought through. It’s very immature. So she must be really upset and like you said if looks could kill, then you will probably be a dead man. This is probably how a lot of you guys feel right now and so obviously, the worst thing that you can do if your ex is really angry with you, and you know, just seeing you makes her look like she’s disgusted, or annoyed, or frustrated… She just wants to be out of your presence. You can’t just keep on chasing her. You have to get out of that situation because the more that she sees you, the more that she’s confronted with you, most likely, you’re just going to prolong that feeling. Whereas over time, otherwise, it would just fade eventually.
So he says: “I decided to take a step back and not make things even worse. So I did two weeks of no contact and then I reached out to her but she told me she needed some time to think about our relationship and she said she thinks it’s best if she takes a few weeks to think about us.”
So I wouldn’t have messaged her after the two weeks no contact because essentially, it’s like you’re undoing all your progress. So now you’re chasing her again. She’s being reminded about you again. And probably after two weeks, she’s still quite upset with you. So it doesn’t really solve anything if you message her after two weeks and now she says it herself: She needs some time to think. And really what she’s doing here is maybe she does need time to think. I actually think she probably does, but at the same time, she’s also just telling you something so that she can have some space from you because you reached out to her.
So there’s pressure on her. The only thing that she can do is basically say something like “I need space. I need time. I need to think. I don’t really know right now how I feel about us” because otherwise, she has to confront the relationship. She has to confront the question “Do we make this breakup final? How do I feel about this whole thing?” And right now, she probably actually doesn’t really know yet how she feels about it. She knows that she’s angry at you but she doesn’t know if she wants to stay separated. So I wouldn’t have messaged her.
So he then says: “So I told her that I understand. That I am really sorry about how I acted and told her that I don’t want to pressure her. So now we are basically on a break. It’s been over four weeks now since she said she needs more time to think. Now that she isn’t in my life for so long I realized more and more how compatible we were and how much I want to make us work, but that I seriously was a big dumb idiot. I did start to work on myself more since she asked for the space and time, and I hope she can see that. So I decided to message her to see how she feels about us.”
It’s a great thing that you’ve been trying to focus on yourself, and you’re realizing that you’ve kind of been a big idiot, and you’re trying to fix yourself and improve yourself. But again, you are the one who’s reaching out to her. So now you did two weeks no contact, she pushes you away. Now, after four weeks of no contact you’re doing it again. What do you think is going to happen? She’s probably going to push you away or as you’re going to see in this scenario, she’s going to make up another excuse, basically.
So he says: “When I texted her this morning she told me that she thinks I need to find happiness without her and that we both need time to get our personal life back together, and she’s still not really sure about us, and she still needs space to think about the relationship. I insisted hard that I think that we should talk about this in person and she eventually agreed to meet up with me. We are going to meet over dinner next week.”
So basically, you’re kind of forcing her into something that she probably doesn’t want now. I have to say there is a problem here. She’s basically saying again she needs time to think about the relationship and where does that lead? I mean the question is how much longer do you need space and time? It’s basically been six weeks now that she has been trying to think about you. So she basically, probably, just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. She doesn’t want to commit to the breakup and so now you’re going to meet her next week for dinner. And I’m sure you’re going to try to get her back. He wraps it up saying: “How should I go about this? I am still in denial and I know this is going to hurt. I feel like she will just tell me again that she’s not sure about us and I’m trying to figure out what is the best thing I can say when I see her to change her mind. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.”
Yeah, so I would not try to change her mind at all. It’s very likely just like you said. When you see her she’s going to hurt you. She’s going to say something that you don’t want to hear and if you try to change your mind you’re just going to make it worse and the problem is you’re kind of getting into this territory where she now just keeps on saying “I need more time and need more time” Maybe she’s seeing someone else or maybe someone else is courting her. Someone else is talking to her. You never know and you know, the problem is you’re just waiting here. You’re doing a waiting game and you have no idea what’s going to happen. So you’re pausing your life. You could meet a great woman tomorrow but because you’re waiting for her that can’t happen. And likewise, because you’re just chasing her more, she doesn’t feel like she has to lose out on you. So next week when you meet up, I wouldn’t talk about the relationship too much, to be honest.
Okay, you can talk about it briefly but I wouldn’t talk about getting back together. You can talk about the work that you’ve been doing and the reflection that you’ve done on yourself and what are the things that you’ve learned. You’ve tried to improve and realized that you’ve been a really big idiot and you shouldn’t have done that. But that shouldn’t be a long part of that dinner. It should be maybe 5, 10, 15 minutes maximum. But maybe just maximum 10 minutes. I would suggest don’t talk about getting back together. Don’t try to pressure her. And I would even suggest maybe it would be a good idea to just come to the conclusion “Hey, I know you need time to think but I think let’s just agree that we’re broken up. Let’s keep this as a permanent break. I know that you don’t want to be back with me right now but I also can’t just wait for you to keep on thinking and needing space and so on so forth because I’m pausing my life for you and I don’t want to do that because I deserve the best in life. I am a king and I want to have the best thing for me. I want to have a woman who loves me. I know I screwed up and if you can’t be with me right now, that’s fine. But I think I need to do something good for me, for my healing and for myself. For my happiness. And yeah let’s just leave it at that,” and then she might actually think oh shit I did not expect that because so far you have always been chasing her, trying to pressure her.
So if now all of a sudden, especially when you meet up, you’re doing the reverse, she wouldn’t expect that. I’m not telling you to do that because you should use it as some manipulation technique. You should really do that because you believe in that because you can’t just keep on chasing a woman who doesn’t want to be with you. She might want to be with you again in the future but if she needs some time to think, or more likely, probably, she just doesn’t want to be with you and she probably wants to date other guys, most likely, let her meet some other guys that don’t make her happy who are assholes. Who are rude. They don’t know how to communicate. They don’t know how to listen. Who are self-absorbed. There are so many things that a woman couldn’t like about a guy and chances are…
What are the odds that she’s going to meet someone right after the breakup where it just works perfectly? It’s not gonna happen. Most likely she’s gonna look back on you after a few months if you give her the time and space and realize you learned your lesson. “He’s no longer chasing and let me see what he’s up to now,” and then she’s going to want to know what you’re doing. What are you up to? Why have you changed? Why you’re no longer chasing? Have you met another woman?
And that is the time when she feels like you’re becoming scarce and she feels that she’s losing out on you. And as soon as she feels that, that she can tell “Okay, if I don’t make a move right now, if I don’t send him a signal, he’s probably gonna find someone else and I don’t want to lose him. He made a mistake but he can undo that mistake and he can do better. If he told me that he can do better, I can probably believe him that he does. And if he doesn’t, then I’m just gonna break up again.”
So that’s what you should do. Do not try to convince her on the dinner to get back and don’t just beat around it all the time that. All these things that you’ve learned, you should tell her a little bit your remorse and what you’ve learned, your accountability, is important, but you shouldn’t portray yourself as a man who’s weak, or needy, or you are someone who really hates himself, and self-loathing and so on. Show her the positive side. Show her the positive change. Show her that you’ve learned your lesson. You feel so much more empowered. You feel like you can go forward in life. And you can do so much better things now. You think that you can be a much better communicator in the future. You will never do something like this impulsive breakup again. And that’s what she wants to see. She wants to see the king within you. That’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. What’s your opinion about this? Give me the thumbs up. Of course, subscribe to the channel and never forget to unleash the king within.