Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
Today we’re gonna talk about flaking. I have a very extreme scenario today of a guy who got flaked in a pretty disrespectful way. It really sucks when it happens, when a woman stands you up, when she doesn’t show up to a date. It’s really harsh and so one thing that I want to talk about in this video is the typical thing that every woman does: She tests a man. So we do have to ground ourselves in reality. What do I mean by that? Everything in life is a competition. A peacock is trying to get the attention of a woman. Maybe you’ve heard of the term peacocking before from the dating scene, from the pickup scene. Pickup mastery scene.
Peacocking is an act of looking interesting, of having something special about you. So you can see I always have these things here because I’m a surfer dude. There’s always something about me that piques interest. Maybe these beads here. I have some tattoos. Maybe it’s my hair. Something about you that’s unique and that’s peacocking. You’re trying to get the attention of a woman. That’s how it works in the animal world. That’s why it’s called peacocking. And so everything in life is a competition.
In school, if you want to get into college, if you want to get into Harvard or one of the big ivy league schools, well, you’re gonna have to compete. You’re going to have to pass a test so that you get in. You have to pass a test if you want to immigrate to Germany. If you want to go to Germany, they have a German test that is super crazy hard. It’s surprising how difficult it is to move to Germany. You have to pass the test. And also, if you want to get into a woman’s body, you gotta pass her test and these tests are called shittests. And these tests are nothing bad. It’s normal, like the test with the school of the Ivy school, or Germany.
These tests make sense. For a woman to give her body and her soul, everything she has to give to a man, she wants to know that that man has what it takes to make her happy. Then she’s happy to give him everything. Once a woman truly surrenders to a guy, she will give him everything and she will dedicate her life to him and she will also forgive him a lot of mistakes. But first, you have to reach that stage and it can also, of course, happen during a relationship that you might screw up so much that she tests you again. So shit tests are normal, but of course, the context of the shit test matters.
So let’s take another analogy from high school. Let’s say you are in high school and your teacher is telling you we are going to have a test in two weeks about xyz. Fine, perfect, let’s have that test. But then the next day he does another random test and he tests something that you’ve never learned or something that you haven’t talked about for like a year. Well, that teacher probably wouldn’t win the award for being the best teacher in on the planet, or in your country. That teacher would be a pretty big asshole. So the way that a woman tests you does matter. And sometimes when a woman pushes it too far with a shit test, you have to say “Sorry I’m out of here” and you have to respect yourself and show her that you value yourself more than you value her attention and her time.
And ultimately, it’s all about demanding respect. If a woman can’t respect you then it’s already a lost game. I always say if she can deceive she’s going to leave. And I say that because there have been studies that suggest that if a woman knows that she can manipulate a man, she doesn’t want to be with him, it’s because she basically can tell that that man is a beta male. She doesn’t want to be with beta male because that guy who’s a beta male is not going to know how to take care of her. Okay, that was a lot of explaining around all of this. Let’s get right into his situation.
So he says: “Hi coach, I am really frustrated with women and it’s seriously starting to annoy me that women say one thing but then do the complete opposite.”
Well, you always have to pay attention to the actions. It doesn’t matter what a woman says. If she does something opposite to what she says, then either you hold her accountable to it, or you don’t even pay attention to it, you don’t call her out on it. You basically don’t become insecure about it. But the bottom line is if you see some non-congruence, you have to do something about it. Either you call her out on it because the situation demands it, or you just ignore it and you pretend like you don’t even care because she just wants to see how you respond to it.
So anyway, he then says: “In the last months I had matched with several women and I thought everything was fine but I am super fed up and also really demotivated because so many girls flake on me, ghost after a while, and the last girl I was about to meet up with literally stood me up. She never showed up and totally left me hanging.”
Well, you have to pay attention to something here. It keeps happening. So it’s been going on for a few months and girls flake on you, they ghost after a while, now you’ve even been stood up. So what are the odds that all the women that you’re dating are narcissists, they’re really horrible, they lack integrity? Well yeah, they probably all do lack integrity in some sense, but they all do the same thing. They all don’t want to give you what you want from them. You want their affection, you want them to love you, you want to kiss them, you want to make out with them, you want to spend time with them, you want to become more intimate, maybe you want to be girlfriend and boyfriend with them…
Whatever you want from them, they don’t want to give it to you. So why is it that they don’t want to give this to you? There’s clearly a pattern. So there are really just two options here. Pattern number one is you’re always choosing really horrible women. Could be. Pattern number two is that there’s always something wrong that you’re doing. You’re never passing the shit tests. You might always seem like you’re insecure and then the women get turned off. So it can only be these two patterns, most likely. So which one is it? I don’t know, we’re gonna see, but ultimately it’s up for you to figure that out. You have to really drill deep down into what’s going on and see why it’s happening. What are the women doing? Are they awful? Are they treating you badly, or are they just not interested in you?
Because that’s a difference, because a woman who might just not be into you, sure she might be lackluster, she has no interest in you, she’s very cold, that’s it. And then there’s another woman who might seem very hot one minute, then the next minute she’s gone and she’s just completely cold. She’s like a ghost. She basically played you and maybe she likes that. Those are two really big differences. So you have to figure out which one is it?
So he then says: “This happened three days ago and I am so demotivated at this point. It’s like a stab in the back. My confidence is really low right now. You can’t imagine how embarrassed I felt sitting alone at this restaurant which already was super empty due to current regulations. I felt like a complete idiot sitting there and eating my meal all by myself since the waiter knew that I had a table reserved for two. I thought that everything was fine before our planned date. We had been talking on TikTok a few times and I really thought she liked me since we had been talking a lot but I guess I was wrong.”
Maybe you’ve been talking too much. So again, you’ve had this pattern multiple times, that it didn’t work out and in this case specifically, you thought everything was fine you had been talking a lot. So maybe you’ve been talking too much. Maybe you turned her off by being too much focused on her. Maybe she’s really busy. Maybe there are so many guys who want her attention and she’s always going to the guy who gives her ironically, the least amount of attention, or at least in a certain range of less attention. She doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t pay any attention at all to her, of course, but she also doesn’t want to be with a guy who pays attention to her all the time. Because a guy who’s an alpha male, who has many options, who’s busy with his life, he doesn’t have time to message her all the time, and so she wants to see what’s going on with you. Are you just occupied with her? Are you thinking about her non-stop or not?
So anyway, he then says: “I even confirmed with her before our date. I sent her just one message on the day of our date, saying ‘Can’t wait to see you later’ which she read but didn’t respond to it.”
Well, so I would typically not confirm a date. Sometimes you can maybe do it if you have really good chemistry with the girl and you definitely know that she’s into you… Fine. You know, if you’re just having a good conversation right now and then you say “Hey, I gotta go. I’ll see you later tonight. Can’t wait to see you.” Something like that. That’s fine, but often you shouldn’t do this because it just shows her again that you’re too invested in her and you don’t know what is her level of interest in you. Now, obviously, you have a problem that you can’t really gauge what her interest in you is. As I said, if you would be really good at figuring out how interested a woman is into you, then you could say something like this.
So me, I just know when a woman is into me. I can just feel it. I know because she’s messaging me a lot. She’s reaching out a lot. She finds really small, minuscule reasons to message me. So I know she’s really into me. She wants to see me and she’s just dying for the moment to hang out with me or for me to propose a date. But you don’t really know yet how to figure out: Is everything going fine? It seems to me that you’re not paying attention to the negative signs. So for example, here she didn’t respond. So basically she has been ghosting you. So if she doesn’t respond, there is kind of a red flag already. Now that doesn’t necessarily mean that she doesn’t show up for a date, but you know, it is a bit unusual. So it’s a bit of red flag and maybe you’re not paying attention to it or maybe you’re deluding yourself that there’s nothing wrong.
So he then says: “I thought she’s just busy with work but she didn’t even let me know that she wasn’t going to show up. I messaged her after 15 minutes of waiting at the restaurant. The only reason why I messaged her was that I was getting really hungry and my stomach started growling. Thank God, that I messaged her so soon enough or I would have starved to death.”
So that is definitely something that lacks integrity. We’re gonna get into this in a moment why she supposedly flaked on you. Why she didn’t show up, but whether the reason here is justified or not, it really sucks to just not give a heads up. That’s not a cool thing to do and you might have to put your foot on the ground and say something. So let’s see.
He says: “I asked her ‘Hey where are you? I’m already inside at our table’ to which she finally sent a message. She said ‘I am sorry! I completely lost track of time. I can’t make it today. I am so sorry ?! I hope you can forgive me ?’ I said ‘It’s okay. Did something come up?’ to which she said her boss made her work late and then she forgot to tell me. I said that it’s okay and that I understand and that I hope to see her soon. Ever since then I hadn’t heard from her.”
Well, I probably wouldn’t have just said what did you say exactly… “It’s okay, did something come up?” So she basically just asks “Do you forgive me?” She’s coming up with some excuse. Whether that excuse is true or not, we don’t know. Look, it could be that it’s true. You both are probably younger, maybe you’re in your 20s and sometimes it happens that you get busy with work and especially when you’re still young, maybe you are paying too much attention to work and you forget the time. And this kind of stuff, things like that can happen. Look, I’m not gonna deny that maybe something really came up and she forgot to tell you. It is possible. Maybe she’s super stressed at work and she can’t regulate that, but obviously, that is a bit of a red flag!
Even if that is true, do you want to date a woman like that who can’t make time for you? Who forgets time? Think about it: If you as a guy would do that, you would be dead. You would be dead right now. So maybe it’s not an excuse but I believe it is probably an excuse, especially you have to pay attention to her words. She’s asking you or she’s saying: “I hope you can forgive me” but you know what she’s not doing? She’s not trying to make it right. Just saying I’m sorry or forgive me, that’s not an apology.
That’s only a partial apology. A proper apology would be saying “Hey I’m sorry. I screwed up. Can you please forgive me? You know, what I’m gonna make it here in the next hour. Or you know what? Let’s meet up tomorrow. It’s my treat.” Something like that. She should suggest something that makes up for it but she’s clearly not doing it. So that is a red flag. So it might be that she’s just using you. You didn’t pass her tests, whatever specifically her tests were. So this might be a form of test, but it’s not a really cool test. It’s definitely lacking integrity. So I wouldn’t date a woman like this. Actually, if it was a deliberate test and the problem here is that you’re basically not calling her out on it, and you’re basically just going along with it. So if a woman would do something like this and she basically doesn’t really properly apologize for it and then you say “It’s okay. Did something come up?“…
You’re basically saying it’s fine, don’t worry about it. But is it really fine?! Nope! You’ve been sitting there for at least 15 minutes. You felt awful. Your confidence is really low you had to watch the waiter and maybe other people at the restaurant seeing that you’ve been stood up at the restaurant. I don’t know how that made you feel. It was pretty shitty! So at least what I would have done is I would have told her “Hey that wasn’t cool. I really didn’t feel good about this.” and you could tell her “I don’t want to date you anymore or I don’t want to see you anymore. I would never treat a girl like this. I would never do this to a girl. I know that you have been busy at work but I don’t like this.”
You don’t have to say it in a very forceful or aggressive way. Just the fact that you’re clearly expressing what you don’t like, that is already forceful. That shows her that you’re an alpha male, that you can actually draw some boundaries. Because the truth is a lot of beta males can’t draw any boundaries and I think this is one of your issues here. So actually, I think you’re gonna mention this here if I remember your message right. Yeah, actually he mentions it. So what I’m gonna get to is a big issue that a lot of beta male guys have and why they don’t pass the shit tests of a woman. Because women wanna see if they can respect you. Because if you’re not respectable & if you can’t assert your needs, then how can you assert the needs of your girlfriend in the future?
Let’s say she runs into trouble at work, with a friend, with her mom, with her parents, with someone who doesn’t approve of what she’s doing, or some problem comes up in the future… Are you going to stand up for her? Are you going to stand up for the relationship? Are you going to stand up for yourself? Are you going to stand up for what’s good and best for both of you? All of these things. She wants to know that.
So he wrapped it up by saying: “What the fuck, man? Why does this keep on happening to me? It’s not like I’m not a nice guy. I try to present myself properly and always show myself from my best side but she’s not the only girl who flaked on me in the last months.”
So like I said there’s a pattern and I’m noticing something here. You call yourself a nice guy and you’re trying to present yourself from your best angle. Of course, you always want to look good to a woman but maybe you’re doing it too much. Are you changing yourself too much to gain the approval, to gain the validation of a woman? For her to think “I like you. Yes, everything is cool with you.…”
Hey, look, dude, at the end of the day you are a king and you gotta be yourself. Authenticity is king. Confidence is king. If a woman doesn’t like something about you, well, goodbye! Now, don’t get me wrong. You shouldn’t be narcissistic, or you shouldn’t be unwilling to change some things about you that aren’t okay. Flaws and so on. Nobody’s perfect. That’s normal and if a woman tells you something or doesn’t like something about you that is clearly a flaw, then it’s reasonable to change it. But certain things are not flaws. They are just who you are and if a woman can’t live with that, well, sayonara! It was nice knowing you. Why would you want to be with a woman who doesn’t appreciate you? It doesn’t make sense. So maybe you’re trying to be too nice. Don’t try to change who you are. You don’t have to crawl up a woman’s ass and show her how nice you can be to gain her affection.
Obviously, you want to be nice to a woman. You want to make her feel good. But you don’t want to do it too much because the problem is if you do it too much if your woman can tell that you’re too much into her, it’s a huge problem. There are three studies that I quickly want to mention that is really interesting for this topic. So one of them you might have heard from a colleague of mine, he’s been saying this one for years, he became very famous with this one which is: Women are attracted to a man whose feelings are unclear.
This means that women don’t want to be with men when they can tell that he’s totally into them. This is all the stuff that I already mentioned. It’s been well studied. Then there’s another study that is the exact opposite, which seems like a contradiction. What that study says is a woman doesn’t want to be with a man when she can’t tell that the guy isn’t into her. Now you’re like huh? What? That doesn’t make sense. No, it does make sense. These two studies basically mean if a woman can’t 100% figure out how much you like her, she finds it interesting. She finds it mysterious. She wants to get to know you more because it shows that you’re secure.
But yet, at the other side of the coin, if she can tell that you don’t like her at all, that you’re not interested in her at all, then she’s also not interested. It makes sense. Imagine you meet a woman and you’re just totally not into her. You’re completely ignoring her just completely and there’s just not a shred of chemistry and her being into you, there’s no spark because she feels like it’s pointless. Then she’s not gonna be into you. And then the third study that I already basically mentioned is that if a woman can deceive she is going to leave. So women don’t want to be with a man if they can feel that they can manipulate him. And so obviously, if you can’t pass a woman’s test or if you’re too nice to a woman, that basically shows her “I can wrap him around my finger. I can do whatever I want. And he’s going to forgive me“… like she said here: “Can you forgive me?”
I can forgive you once, maybe, but that’s it. So she maybe wants to see how much can she push this and if she can tell that she’s pushed it too far, which in this case was definitely pushed a little bit too far, then she might just disappear and she says okay you didn’t pass my shit test. Some other guy who I stood up like that precisely told me what he thought about it. He didn’t like it. He told me that he doesn’t want to date a woman who’s a flake. He doesn’t want to date a woman without integrity. Something like that. And she’s like “That’s respectful behavior and he’s not letting himself be pushed around. That’s attractive!”
So he wraps it up by saying: “In a way, I am lucky that the other girls flaked on me before I left to be on my way for our dates, but this is really disrespectful behavior. I hate it. Can you please give me some advice?”
Yeah, so that goes down into everything that I just said before. You call it really disrespectful behavior. Exactly! They probably don’t respect you. Now, I don’t know your entire behavior with all of these women, what you did wrong or what these women are like, but let’s take the example of the woman or the women who ghosted on you. Think about it: Ghosting is incredibly disrespectful. Would you ghost someone who you respect? Who you care for? Who you want to spend time with?
Honestly, I feel bad even just ghosting or not responding to a person when I really care about them and I’m just busy. I can’t, you know, I’m busy with work, or life is getting in the way right now and then I haven’t responded to that person for like weeks, maybe. Who knows. Maybe. It could happen sometimes. I feel really bad about that because I respect that person but just for some reason I couldn’t respond to the message. Maybe I was depressed. Maybe I was sad. Maybe I was angry. Maybe something bad happened. And so I feel bad about it because I respect that person. But a woman who ghosts you, she doesn’t respect you, man. And a woman who flakes on you, she also doesn’t respect you and especially a woman who doesn’t show up to a date!
And then she doesn’t try to make it right, like big time, really tries to make up for it, that woman probably doesn’t respect you. That’s why they also show you that disrespectful behavior. So clearly, you have a pattern of being disrespected by women. The question is why? Let’s go back to the two scenarios that I mentioned earlier. Are you just doing something that causes them to not respect you? Number one. Or are they awful human beings? Are they awful women? Narcissistic! They just crave the attention. They like to play with guys and so in that case, there might be a scenario that they will do this with every guy. But the thing is if she’s very narcissistic, for example, they will always pick a guy who doesn’t know how to assert his needs and who doesn’t know how to have some clear boundaries.
So in both scenarios, it’s probably your behavior. So even if the women that you’re dating are narcissistic, it is because they can tell that they can push you around. So you have to turn yourself into a king. Unleash the king within. Don’t let something like this slide. So in a case like this, I would have just clearly said “I don’t like this. I don’t want to see you anymore.” And you don’t have to necessarily say “I don’t want to see you anymore” but you clearly just say “I didn’t like this. This wasn’t cool!” and you tell her “I’ve been waiting here for 15 minutes. This really sucked.” and then you never message her ever again. And if that woman has even the tiniest, tiniest shred of integrity and cares for you and she really just screwed up because she really was busy with work, then she’s going to suggest to make it up to you. She’s going to suggest another time. She’s going to come to you. She’s not going to ask you to come to her.
She basically will know she’s screwed up so much and if she cares about you she will fix it. And if she doesn’t fix it then you didn’t pass the test and she’s either a narcissist, or she just wasn’t into you because some other guy seemed more secure than you did. So you should look at your behavior. What I suggest to you is actually writing a journal. Maybe look at the messages that you’ve been writing. Obviously, you can book a coaching session with me and we can look at your messages and see what have you been doing. Why might there be a reason that these girls don’t like you or are turned off.
Then we can see are they just playing you? Are they doing this on purpose? What is it? What’s going on and then I can help you. Basically, you have to pay attention to what’s going on. Your actions. Their actions. And are they non-congruent? Are you not congruent? Are their actions not congruent with the words? You already know kind of that they’re not doing what they say, but why does it happen all the time? Or does it only happen in the end? Because maybe it happens already when you start talking to them. Maybe they are not making time for you. Maybe they never reply. Maybe they reply really late.
That is a form of non-congruence because if you don’t reply to a person, you always ignore them… Well, that basically means you don’t care about them. But then you reply to them again eventually when it’s convenient. That basically is non-congruent. On one side you show that you care, on the other side it shows well, why are you not replying to me for a week? Right? You never know. There could be non-congruence here. So you have to pay attention. That’s my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.