She was never yours it was just your turn: A toxic relationships mindset? Red pill vs blue pill

Nov 27, 2021 | Breakup Advice & Get Your Ex Back, Dating & Attraction

Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

What is up, kings? In this dating advice for men, we’re gonna talk about a common phrase from the red pill community. Maybe you’ve heard it: “She was never yours it was only your turn.” So with everything in life, you can always either have a glass that is half-full, or a glass that is half-empty. Some people who hear this phrase “she was never yours it was only your turn” will say a woman is always going to betray you and you shouldn’t count on her sticking around, or others will also rather see it more in a way of well, if you don’t treat your woman nicely, she’s going to dump you eventually, and she’s going to find someone better.

So I’m someone who always has a glass that is half full. So obviously, as a relationship coach who is focused on maintaining healthy relationships, I’m of the mindset of anyone is going to dump you if you don’t treat them right. And there is a ton of research out there that suggests that this is the case. And typically, actually, what happens with women is they will stick around much, much longer in unhealthy relationships than they actually want to. So women are actually able to deal with a lot of shit because they love their men. So this is how I see it from studies. I’ve been researching a lot on this subject. There’s a lot of great relationship institutes that study relationships, and healthy relationships, and maintenance of relationships. That’s my point of view. But here we have a message from a guy who kind of has the opposite kind of view. So let’s get into his situation and let’s see what he has to say.

So he says: “Hello coach Graziosi, I would like to ask you for your opinion on my failed marriage. I recently watched some red pill videos. One idea that really resonated with me is ‘she was never yours it was only your turn’ because I recently had a breakup where my wife just left me hanging as if I never even existed. On top of that, I have been getting a lot of backlash from a lot of shared friends, my wife’s friends, and even from a few of my own friends. Most of them are on the side of my wife because I have been very vocal about our breakup in the way that she treated me without respect and just threw everything away like this.

Well, if a large majority of your friends are on the side of your wife, I would probably question what you are doing. Obviously, the friends of your wife, and some shared friends of your wife are probably going to be on her side, but if even your own friends are on the side of your wife, chances are relatively high that you are screwing up or that you’re doing something that is not okay. Some people will probably say especially if you’re coming from the red pill community “she’s manipulative and she’s pitting all these people against you” but who knows. I don’t know the situation but it’s very unlikely that everyone is against you including your own friends and it’s her fault. So something to consider!

He then says: “So to give you context: My wife and I have been broken up a few months ago and the breakup was very rushed. My wife essentially walked out on me overnight. She said that she could no longer deal with my anger outbreaks.

Well, so a woman rarely walks out overnight. She walks out overnight because she made up her mind a long, long time ago that she’s slowly giving up on the relationship and something happened in that night when she walked out on you overnight, that it made click, and she decided “Okay I’m done with this. I’m not keeping up with this anymore.” So she must have been having doubts about your relationship for weeks, months, I don’t know how long this has been going on. But you have anger issues. Anger outbreaks. So I don’t know how long this has been going on but she must be really fed up with this and she was probably hoping for change but nothing happened and now she is gone overnight.

So he then says: “To give you context, I am an Afghanistan veteran. I returned to the US in 2017 and have been struggling with PTSD and alcohol addiction. I don’t pretend to be a perfect man but I come from difficult circumstances and for a long time my wife has been very understanding of my demons.

Well, so I can’t pretend to know what it is like to go through something like the Afghanistan war, come back, and then you have to deal with PTSD and alcohol addiction. I have had some kind of PTSD in the past but you have a very specific PTSD. It must be tough and your wife was very understanding, but obviously, everything has its limits. Just because you have some kind of trauma doesn’t mean that it’s justified to do so. If you have some demons, obviously you have to address them. Alcohol addiction, for example, can really become a dangerous thing, not just for yourself, but also for your wife, because if you get very intoxicated you could potentially harm your wife. So that might be something that is scaring her.

So he then says: “My wife has accused me of being violent and that she is afraid of me, which is just not true. I only ‘hurt’ her once when we had a heated argument and instead of talking about the issue with me, she decided to avoid me and I held her arm. I didn’t hit her or anything even close to violence. No matter what issues I may have, I would never hit the woman I love. That’s just completely made up and she is over exaggerating this issue.

So I don’t doubt that this is your mindset. I don’t think that you would ever intentionally hurt your woman but the problem is that she feels that way when you grab her on her arm. It probably didn’t seem like it’s a big deal but you probably are a strong guy. You’ve been in the military so maybe you squeezed her too tight without her even realizing it. Sometimes we just act very irrationally and we don’t even realize the bad things that we’re doing and then it’s already happened before we even realized what the consequences of our actions were.

I can tell that you really care about her, and you love her, and you would never just hurt her consciously, but obviously, there is a chance and this is why she’s feeling terrified, probably that you would be doing something on impulse because you have anger issues. You have an alcohol addiction issue. And you have PTSD issues. So there are a lot of mental health problems that you have that could result in you doing something bad that might hurt her. I know you don’t feel that way right now but this is what she is feeling and this is what she’s seeing.

So he then says: “This was one of the main reasons why she ran off overnight. She left me a long letter stating why she was leaving me. One of the reasons was that she no longer felt safe around me and she had said that she was going to move back in with her mother. For your info: Her mom lives halfway across the country. I tried talking to her mom about this on the phone but all she said was that I should give her time to think, that if she comes to her senses, the only thing that will make her change her mind is time.

So you have to look at this. She is moving halfway across the country to her mom and her mom, her parents, are her safe space. If you have healthy parents this is where you go to come back and have a place where you can hide from danger. So there must be something that is really scaring her and the fact that she’s moving to her mom just shows me that she is really terrified of you. I know you don’t want to accept that but that must be the truth. So her mom actually has some good points. The thing that is going to resolve this problem, and this situation, is probably going to be time and also you working on your struggles that you are dealing with. Your demons.

Because your wife has been dealing with some of your issues, like the anger issues for a long time. So that tells me that she truly loves you but it’s just come to a point where she can no longer deal with it and some space from you is probably going to help. Now, how you can also help the situation is by also going to a therapist, or going to a self-help group, AA, Alcoholics Anonymous, some kind of place where you can heal. Where you can work on your problems and overcome these struggles. These demons that are scaring her.

So he then says: “I could not accept this and became really angry that she just left me like this. I tried talking to some of our friends and they are all on her side. They treat me as if I’m some kind of monster, completely ignoring how much I had to sacrifice for us. They all say that I need to calm down and respect her decision and give her the space she needs to think.

Yes, that is the right thing to do. I understand that you sacrificed a lot for the relationship. You are a veteran, you’ve been in war, you’ve been far away from your wife, so there’s a lot that you did for your country, but also for your wife. That’s probably how you feel about it and now you feel betrayed because she just leaves you all of a sudden after all of these things that you’ve gone through that you probably went through for her. I’m assuming you went to war because you really believe that this is the right thing to protect your country and to protect your wife and now you probably feel like shit because now it’s finally over, you’re back home and now this is happening.

So he then says: “Being in Afghanistan was difficult and I thought that we would finally start our family and have kids after I came home but instead it has just torn us apart. This only shows you how a woman never truly is with you. When things become inconvenient they will leave you and throw you away like trash.

Well, again, like I said in the beginning: It seems like things were fine when you were away and some of you might say “well she probably had another guy or she was cheating” but I don’t think so. I think that she has been faithful and hoping for you to come back and to do what you just suggested. To have a family and to have a happy life but then obviously, she had to face the reality that when you came back, you have a lot of problems and she has been actually been dealing with those problems. She has been accepting them for a long time but at some point, she had enough and realized no, you actually have to change this.

I’m sure if you would have a therapist, if you would work on your issues, she would be right there with you to work through them and she would not be running away. And then she would see some change from you and would see that you can overcome your anger issues, for example, she would be right there by your side, just like she’s been by your side waiting for you to come back home. Because this woman loves you.

So he then says: “All these years I paid the bills for us and she has no appreciation for what I’ve done for her. I don’t get how everyone can be so supportive of her and condemn me so easily. I feel treated like shit by so many people whom I thought would be my support system. I have no idea what the fuck I should do now because my wife left me and I am alone here and in an empty house with nothing but my frustration and loneliness.

Well, so the first thing that you should do is to stop drowning in your despair. You have no idea what the hell to do right now, you are alone in an empty house, it feels incredibly terrible when you have invested so much in a relationship, then it’s gone. And now the house is empty! Maybe there’s empty boxes. Maybe your ex took all the things or no… she’s still your wife… maybe she took all of these things, her belongings and it feels like everything is gone. Your life is over. But your life is not over! The worst thing that you can do is now embrace all this frustration and loneliness. You are a warrior. You are a fighter. You went to war, so you should know that you can get back up again.

What you should do is find something that brings you happiness again. Something that brings you joy. I don’t know what you like to do for fun. Maybe you are a very competitive guy, so do something that excites you, like bouldering, climbing, something maybe some extreme sports. Something that pushes you on the edge and surround yourself with other people who are like-minded. Do something that takes you out of that negative mindset, because otherwise, you’re just going to focus on this, then you’re going to project it on your wife and obviously, that’s not going to help the situation.

So he then says: “What do you suggest should I do? She hasn’t brought up that she wants a divorce but I have not heard from her in over two weeks, she only replied to me once saying that she thinks I should take some time to reflect and consider going back to my therapist for my anger issues. All of this is bullshit! I quit my therapist because he wasn’t helping at all.

Well, you see there’s a good thing. She doesn’t want a divorce. So some people in the red pill community, or men going their own way community might say, look she just married you for the money, but she’s not looking for a divorce. If she would be just there for the money, if she wouldn’t give a shit about you, she would be filing the divorce right now and she would collect her paycheck. But she’s not doing that. So she’s hoping that you’re going to get your shit together and that you’re going to fix it. She suggested here go back to your therapist and you think that is bullshit. I don’t know why the therapist can’t help you. Maybe you need a different form of therapy. Maybe a different kind of therapist. Maybe you need a coach. Maybe you need a self-help group.

There’s something that you have to change. If the therapist didn’t help you then try something else. The problem with anger issues is typically that they are a reflection of how we feel inside of us, right, so there’s something that we’re not happy with in ourselves and then we project it out into the world, onto other people. So clearly, there must be something about you that you’re not happy with. Now, if the therapist couldn’t help you with this, maybe I can help you. Maybe another coach can help you. Maybe a different kind of therapist who’s focused on a different field can help you. It doesn’t really matter what it is that you do that helps you. If the therapist didn’t help you, find something else that gets you over your anger issues and your alcohol addiction. If you always focus on your anger, obviously, your wife is going to grow so tired of this and obviously, if you are a warrior, if you are a soldier, you must be quite tough. That must probably scare her because she might be scared that you could hurt her.

So he then wraps it up by saying: “It seems if I go after my wife, it’s only going to make things worse and I really don’t want the divorce. Am I really the asshole in this situation, or is everyone who’s on her side in the wrong?

I don’t think you are an asshole but you said that you were quite vocal about the way that she broke up wasn’t okay. But she doesn’t owe you anything, even if you are married. If you don’t treat her right, at least she has the right to move out temporarily and seek some space from you, for you to get your act together. So what can you do in this situation? Well, you have to obviously stop being aggressive. You have to give her the time that she needs to miss you, to reflect on things, and what I would suggest to you is even though right now you think the therapist is bullshit, even though right now you see that there’s no way out, you’re very frustrated, lonely, you don’t know how to get out of the situation… You should at least acknowledge to her “Hey, okay I admit I am making mistakes. I made some mistakes and I don’t yet know how to address them. I want to address them and I will try to find a way to address them. And I hope that you are going to be there with me to address them together with me.

Now, you don’t have to make promises to get back to a therapist but it’s all about being real with yourself and recognizing that you screwed up, because this whole thing about “she was never yours it was only your turn” it’s kind of bullshit in the negative sense. It just means that if you screw up too much, if you don’t fix your shit, if you don’t overcome the burdens that you then place on your partner, you will become a huge burden to your partner. And eventually, they will have enough and they will leave. Like I said: It’s a good thing that she doesn’t want to divorce yet. So you can still turn this around, but obviously, if you throw more anger, more frustration at her, or her friends, it’s only going to get worse.

So take a step back, focus on yourself, focus on what you can do to become happier again without her. How can you overcome the alcohol addiction? How can you overcome the PTSD? How can you be less angry? Maybe gratitude can help you. Maybe something such as volunteering can help you. Do something where you’re doing something good for your community. That typically really makes you feel so much better if you have anger issues. That might be something that could help you. So try to find some valves how you can get rid of all of this frustration and then hopefully in the future she will come back. As the mom said, the time is going to heal all the wounds. So I hope that was helpful, let me know in the comments what do you think, what is your suggestion for him? Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and of course, never forget to unleash the king within.

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