Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
What is up, kings? In this video, we’re going to talk about breakups and what happens when you are outgrowing your ex. So sometimes what happens is that you have to be faced with the harsh truth that your ex is actually a rather horrible person. Obviously, breakups are always kind of difficult. Nothing is black and white. Everything is kind of in a gray zone. Sometimes we just screw up after breakups. We don’t know how to handle situations, how to communicate, and we are very insecure how to communicate with the person that we love that we want them back.
Sometimes we just don’t do the right things, but sometimes it’s also just the case that an ex just doesn’t improve. No matter what you do your ex just won’t see her flaws. She won’t see the error in her ways. So in this situation what can you do? So I have a situation from a guy, he has an ex that is pretty awful. You could maybe even call her a covert narcissist. So she has a bit of a pattern of being abusive and having a lot of bad behaviors. So let’s see what’s going on.
So he says: “My ex-girlfriend wants me back the same day her new boyfriend dumped her.”
I mean, this is already kind of a point where I could stop the video. This is very narcissistic behavior, where women line up a replacement and they wait for you to basically be out of the picture and then they already have someone new. Now, this doesn’t necessarily need to mean that the person is a narcissist. If it’s not a pattern then it’s not necessarily a narcissistic behavior pattern. It’s just a common scenario that people do when they cheat. You know, everyone who has gone through a really bad relationship, maybe they have gone through something like this and they had to learn this is not the right way to go about relationships.
Even if someone makes you unhappy, obviously, you should just break up with them and then start seeing someone else. And some people can learn the lesson and see “Hey, I didn’t handle this the right way. The way that I did the breakup and how I already started to feel attracted to other people shortly before the breakup was not right. I should have just ended the relationship and then moved forward.” Some people can learn but we’re gonna see in this scenario, his ex cannot learn. So she’s basically looking for the replacement. She got dumped and she wants you back, so she has no loyalty, essentially. So let’s keep further reading.
He says: “I’m not sure if it would be cruel to tell her my opinion of her. We dated for four and a half years. We got along really well but she just was pretty self-absorbed. We’d spend half of most of our time talking about her problems, insecurities, etc. She’d get upset otherwise. I sometimes thought about breaking up but never did because I didn’t want to hurt her.”
So you can see it’s kind of a bit of a pattern of him being codependent. He doesn’t want to hurt her. He doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. He cares too much about how she going to react to it rather than thinking about his own needs. This is probably why you ended up with a woman like this, who, as you say, was very self-absorbed. This woman is probably not redeemable and you probably should have told her how you feel a long time ago.
So he then says: “But then she meets a guy and doesn’t tell me about him until she was sure they had something going and she breaks up with me. She then shuts me out of her life. I was honestly depressed for a good few months but she refused to help. She called me a couple of times to talk about herself. I feel stupid and used but I pulled myself out of the mud. I learned a lesson the hard way.”
So you’re kind of accepting this is kind of a shitty behavior and it must have been super painful. A breakup, in general, hurts a lot already, but if your woman has someone new quite soon after the breakup, that stings like a motherfucker. But if she has a boyfriend right after like the next day, that hurts so bad. The reason why I became a relationship coach is because I had an ex like that. She was very narcissistic, had me replaced the next day. I saw her with some other guy in the morning while I was on a run and that was so hurtful and it took me so long to get over this pain. And also, that ex came back every now and then, just like his ex is coming back. So if you see this pattern, if your ex has someone new very, very fast, you should be very careful.
So he then says: “Then she started emailing me. Apparently, her boyfriend won’t tolerate her emotional outbursts, mood swings, insecurities, and he broke up with her. The same day, she says how it was such a mistake to let me go. How I was the best guy that she could find. I agreed to talk to her but I would never want a relationship again. She’s rationalized things to a degree where she thinks everything she did was perfectly justified.”
Narcissism! This is what narcissists do. Well, you were the perfect guy, the best guy that she could ever find. Well, she could replace you quite easily! Someone who’s normal and healthy, they have to grieve after a breakup. But narcissists, they don’t want to do this because if they have to grieve, then they have to reflect “What did I do wrong? What was my mistake in the relationship?” and so this is why it hurt him so much already after the breakup because it seemed like she acted like she did nothing wrong. She just finds someone new all of a sudden, right away. And imagine how you feel when that happens. You feel like there must be something wrong with you. I mean, did this woman ever love me?
But you can see she does the same thing over and over, and as you can see she is rationalizing things where she says everything was perfectly justified. “I had my reasons for breaking up“… “It was your fault why the relationship didn’t work out“… “You didn’t know how to make me happy“… “You didn’t communicate your needs very well“… Maybe that’s actually true because it seems like in this case, this guy was codependent. But that is exactly why women like her choose a man like that because codependent people can be pushed around. So this guy is starting to no longer let himself be pushed around. So that’s a good thing.
So he then says: “A part of me still has a lot of feelings for her despite the way she ended things and keeps on treating me and I’m not going to lie, I felt excited about meeting up with her when I found out things didn’t work out with her boyfriend. I kind of kept on telling myself that she made a huge mistake and that she would make things up to me but I feel like she hasn’t changed. For the first time, I am realizing that maybe she is not the woman that I thought she was.”
Yeah, so that’s very normal after a breakup that you rationalize that things weren’t so bad, and obviously, we all make mistakes. If you’re with a “healthy” person, that is, someone who’s not a narcissist, they might not know how to communicate properly, but they can learn it and if you have a breakup with a person like that, it’s normal to rationalize and think “Okay, this is what I did wrong. This is what she did wrong. Let’s see if she has learned her lesson. I have learned mine. Can we reconcile?” That’s the perfect scenario, if you realize your mistakes and then you start to learn how to communicate them, you can get back together and everything can be fine. But if that is not the case, if the ex cannot figure out how she did things wrong, there’s no hope in getting back together. You can get back together, but you’re just gonna get the same bullshit again.
So he then says: “Now, I can do a few things. Number one, I can try to listen to what she has to say and see if we can work things out, even though it seems she blames all of our mistakes only on me.”
That is a red flag. Any person who always sees all the faults in the other person, they have some work to do on themselves. It’s never just one person. It takes two people to tango. And no matter how toxic you might have been, how many mistakes you’ve made, the other person also made some mistakes. That’s just how it is. And if a person blames everything on you, you have to run away from that situation because that will never get better.
So then he says: “Number two, I can be a bigger person and plainly tell her that she has to move on. Or three, I could tell her what I think of her. I won’t throw insults at her or anything. I’m just going to say I hope you realized that you’ve lost me because you are so self-absorbed. You treat people terribly. I don’t love you at all anymore. I doubt she’s going to learn anything from this but I would certainly make my chest lighter to tell her how bad she is. What would you do?”
What I would suggest in this situation is be the bigger person and go kind of a middle route. So you don’t have to be the bigger person and say nothing at all, but I wouldn’t throw insults. I wouldn’t be too direct or confrontational. Just very plainly, say how you see it so that she realizes there’s something’s wrong with me. Because ultimately, probably, if you are very angry, it’s going to feel like she can strive off your anger. If she’s a narcissist, which I think she is, she’s going to love that. And I know you probably think right now you’re going to feel better by saying all of these mean things, but trust me, you very likely won’t. You will feel much better if you keep it rather straightforward, honest, be real with her, tell her how you feel and how you see the situation, but don’t say that she’s an awful human being. She probably knows that herself. She doesn’t need you to tell her that.
You can just tell her something like “I learned a lot of lessons about being with you and I think this is not healthy for me.” Say it in a way that doesn’t put it so much on her because she knows already all the things that she’s done wrong and it’s more likely that probably you will look back at this if you say something really mean and you put yourself down to her level. You’re gonna feel bad about it. Trust me. To give you an analogy. Let’s take two examples of an alcoholic. There’s one alcoholic, who has an alcohol addiction. He goes to AA, Alcoholics Anonymous. He tries to get help but he just can’t seem to get sober, like he always relapses. He’s really trying hard but he’s struggling so much with changing. He’s really trying. He’s a good guy but it’s not that easy for him. And on the other side, we have the alcoholic who’s a total piece of shit. If you’ve ever seen the show “LOST“, there’s this woman, Kate, she has a step-dad who’s a total piece of shit.
He beats up her mom. He is super alcoholic. He gets drunk all the time and eventually, she kills the guy. So this is kind of like the comparison. One person is just irredeemable. A horrible piece of shit. Trash. Garbage. And the other person, he has flaws but he’s trying to improve. Now, Kate, in that show, she ends up killing her stepdad and she gets into a lot of trouble. So it doesn’t really solve anything if you try to be the one who “wins” the situation. You are going to be the winner by getting out of the situation and so yeah, clearly tell her you have to move on. Tell her your grievances, but in a fairly polite way.
So he then wraps it up by saying: “I just think that I can’t keep going forward with my life while she treats me like this. She gives me signals that she wants me back but at the same time she shows no remorse. I’ve been working really hard on myself and my goals while we were broken up and I didn’t date anyone since then. I feel really good about whom I have become and I feel like she has barely grown as a person.”
So you feel like you can’t keep going forward because you are not making a clear cut with her. You are allowing her back into your world. Like you said, you’ve been working on yourself. It’s actually really great that you didn’t date someone else. You didn’t go down the route that she did. Of just replace, replace, replace, instead of working on herself and her flaws. She just replaces and replaces. Now, you seem like you are a codependent person. Codependent people, they do have issues, and they often don’t express their issues until they become angry, and then it explodes. So I’m sure you weren’t perfect in the relationship and you weren’t perfect in general, as a man, but now you have improved yourself.
You are really proud of who you have become and now is the right time to date an amazing woman. So what I would say is end this situation with her for good. And then get out of this. Me, myself, I was in a very similar situation to yours after my breakup. I was hyper-focused on my growth and that helped me a lot. I didn’t date so much. I improved my career. I actually was able to quit my job. I learned cryptocurrency trading. Bery painfully, but I kept at it until I became good at it. My health became better. Everything with my quality of life just improved because I first looked inwards and figured out what’s wrong with me. How can I improve myself? How can I stop my mistakes? And so you have set yourself up for success. You did what everyone on this channel should do. You should unleash the king within.
Always focus on yourself first. Because maybe you get back with an ex, maybe not. Maybe she’s super toxic, then you can move on. Maybe she’s not that toxic, you get her back and you can influence her positively and everything gets better. Or maybe she has done the same work on herself and you can make it work again. Or you start dating another woman. Whatever the outcome, you will be so much happier with yourself. So you are in the perfect spot now. You just need to get rid of this woman.
So he then wraps it up by saying: “Or maybe I am just telling myself that this is how it is? Maybe she is just very vulnerable after her breakup right now and she’s not making smart choices in what she’s telling me? Like I said, some part of me will always love her but I can’t shake the feeling that something just isn’t right. What would you suggest should I do? Should I try to be understanding with her, or should I tell her what I think of the way she treated me?”
It goes back to that example of the alcoholic. The alcoholic who’s struggling, he’s redeemable. He can improve himself. But your ex is really more like that really toxic alcoholic who doesn’t want to change, who actually thinks of what he’s doing, or what she’s doing, is great. Do you want to be with a woman who will just ditch you whenever she gets the chance? Do you want to be with a woman who abuses you? Who doesn’t say “Hey, I made a mistake here. I did this wrong. Hr here’s where I screwed up. And yeah, I shouldn’t have said that. And I apologize that I was so self-absorbed“… and so and so forth. You’re not gonna be happy with a woman like this. It is very tempting to think that she’s vulnerable and this is very often the case, that she’s vulnerable and she learned her lesson.
She made a mistake and she figured “My rebound didn’t work out, for example. You know, I made a mistake, I was impulsive after our breakup. I started dating someone else. I shouldn’t have done that. That guy really sucked, our relationship was actually really great. Let’s get back together.” But I don’t think that she’s that type of woman. She has a clear pattern of repeating the same mistake over and over. So you are outgrowing her and ultimately, you can only stay next to a woman for so long until you’re just that far away. So let’s say you are dating a woman and you are here with your progress in life, where you are at with how happy you are, and how content, and all the things that you’ve achieved. And your woman is, I don’t know, somewhere here. There’s an overlap. So you can love her into exactly the woman that she’s meant to be and she will come along with you. But if that woman that you’re dating just slowly becomes further and further apart from you, you’re just such different people!
How can you ever make that work? At that point, you’re just very incompatible and this woman seems to me like she’s just completely out of the frame. You just can’t even tell who she is anymore because you have changed so much. You’ve improved your life. You’ve unleashed the king within and so what you should do is you should find a woman who is in that area of your life that overlaps. Who has done the work on herself. I don’t know how old you are. I don’t think you mentioned this here but the bottom line is, you want to be with woman who has gone through the same troubles. The same flaws. The same mistakes. Who has learned her lesson and now she’s ready to get to the next stage together with you. That’s the kind of woman that you need to find.
I’m sorry that this didn’t work out with her but I think it’s time to move on and let it go. Like I said, tell her what you think very politely and then start dating again. Open tinder. Bumble. Whatever dating app is popular in your area, or that you like. Or go out and meet women at bars. Or at events. At meetups. I don’t care. Start meeting women because I have a feeling you’re gonna find an amazing woman and everyone who’s watching this: Start working on yourself first and if it doesn’t work out with your ex, that’s exactly what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna be like this guy. You’re gonna be very happy with who you have become. Then you can start dating an amazing woman because maybe your ex is not right for you. So let me know in the comments what you think. Do you agree with my take or not? What should he do? Give me a thumbs up, of course, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.