Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
In this video we’re gonna talk about rejection when you go out in bars, not feeling confident enough. I got a message from a guy who basically is new to a country and he tried to go out and well, it didn’t go too well. So today we’re going to look at well, where does lack of confidence come from? And I think a lot of it comes from the wrong frame of mind and you’re going to see this in this situation from the guy.
So he says: “Kumusta, coach?”
If you don’t know what’s that. That’s Filipino, Tagalog. So must be one of my Filipino followers.
“Can you help me out by giving me advice on how to be more confident around women? I try to be outgoing and go to bars but no matter what I do I just can’t seem to get the attention of women, or rather I can’t maintain their interest.”
I think it’s probably more that you can’t maintain their interest because if a woman is attracted to you, everything’s just gonna happen. It’s not like you’re going to have to do a lot to get a woman’s attraction. Obviously, you have to look decent enough. You shouldn’t walk into a bar looking really shabby. You should have some decent clothes on. Proper haircut and so on. Pretty common sense stuff. But overall, if she likes you, she likes your face, your body, if you are her type, it’s already a done deal. So it’s more about maintaining that interest or finding the confidence to walk over to a woman that you find interesting and who probably also finds you interesting.
So he says: “The last example of me failing to get laid was this weekend. I’m currently in Dubai and the nightlife here is slowly getting back to normal. Last weekend I decided to go out by myself because I am brand new in town. I’ve moved here one month ago and I don’t really know anyone here yet. I went to a small cozy shisha bar and there were plenty of women in the bar. Since I don’t really know anyone, I decided to go to the bar and order a few beers to help me loosen up. I just kept looking around and checking out the girls in the bar.”
Well, that is not the best approach, especially if you don’t know anyone in the bar. If you are brand new in town, it’s a good approach that you’re going out to bars because you want to meet women, obviously. But especially if you don’t know anyone in this bar, you shouldn’t necessarily just go out there to meet women. You should go out there to meet people, in general. And so what you’re doing is you’re hanging out at the bar and you’re probably slipping your beers and everyone can see that you’re all by yourself. So that means you don’t have any social proof. What you need to do is you need to generate some social proof, because social proof creates more social proof. So as soon as someone can tell that you get along with people or you get along with other women, then more women are going to be interested in you.
And right now you’re basically the lonely guy that nobody wants to talk to because you’re hanging out at the bar. Maybe you’ve seen guys in clubs before, and I used to be like that myself to be honest, where they go to a club and they’re just standing in a corner. They’re standing on the side instead of dancing. Instead of socializing with people. Instead of having fun. And so you are putting yourself in a bad position by hanging out at the bar. What you should do instead is just talk to some random strangers and well, that’s obviously your problem. You probably don’t know how to do that. And it just takes practice. Those who repeat succeed. The more often you do it, the more easier it becomes.
So he then says: “Because I’m a little bit socially awkward, talking to strangers and women in particular, isn’t easy for me. I always overthink what the right thing is to say. I’m awful at openers. Anyway, after three beers by the bar, I started to stand up and found the courage to talk to a girl. I noticed she was looking at me smiling when I looked back at her.”
Well, so there’s a few problems here. Number one: You’re just trying to drink more beers to obviously loosen up. It kind of makes sense if you don’t know how to talk to strangers, or to women, but well, you’re gonna smell bad and you’re probably gonna say a lot of stupid shit once you’re too drunk. And you’re going to make a fool of yourself. What you should do instead is even though I know it’s harder for you, because you said you are socially awkward, and you don’t know how to talk to strangers, you should practice how to just talk to people without being drunk. It’s obviously much harder to do it, but you’re going to learn more from it.
And you’re going to be able to just have random conversations with people that you don’t even know. So the problem right now is you are actually not focused on just being curious. So you are looking at “Okay, who can I talk to? Who’s interested in me?” and you’re trying to overthink like crazy, until you finally find the courage to talk to a woman. So the problem is you’re not showing interest in other people. You’re more focused about “Do these people have interest in me?” So your mindset is kind of off here. That’s why it seems so hard for you to talk to strangers, or to a woman. But kudos to you that you managed to talk to a woman, or walk over to a woman. So let’s see how it goes.
He says: “I walked over to her and opened by asking her ‘Hey, who are you with?’…”
It’s not the sexiest opener. I would probably just say “Hey, what’s up? I’m Andy.” Just introduce yourself with your name. You’re starting off with this weird question of “who are you with?” Well, she’s probably with her friends, or maybe she’s not with her friends, who cares?
So he then says: “And she said she’s with friends, but they’re not here right now. After that, I asked her a few more questions like what she does for a living, where she’s from, and I told her that I just moved here. It was one of those awkward conversations where you can feel that it’s not really smooth, which I think is one of the reasons why she ran off when she saw her friends. She told me that she had to go back to her friends because they are about to leave but it turned out that they kept on hanging out at the bar.”
Well, so one problem that you’re doing here is, it’s like you’re turning the whole conversation into a job interview. What did you ask? You asked what you’re doing for a living. Where you’re from. You’re basically trying to grasp at straws what to talk about. If you’re brand new, you’re from the Philippines, and you’re in Dubai, and you moved to Dubai, there are so many cool things you could talk about. First of all, there are a lot of Filipinos who actually live in Dubai or move to Dubai because they work there. You could talk about your customs in the Philippines. You could talk about Dubai. So if I would be new to Dubai and I literally don’t know anybody and I see a hot chick at the bar, I would walk over to her, introduce myself and you could for example, ask: “What’s your favorite local drink here? And say I’m new, I just moved here and I want to meet new people. I want to try something fun. What’s your favorite drink?” for example. And then she will probably tell you her favorite drink and then you can order one and you’re gonna talk about the drink.
And then you can just talk about where you’re from, the Philippines, and all kinds of different things like different customs, just talk about random shit. It doesn’t really matter. You’re trying so hard to come up with a specific conversation topic that you’re forgetting to have fun and that’s probably why she’s running away. Because she can tell this guy doesn’t really know what to say. And I mean if you’re in a new city… think about it: There are so many things to discover! So many new things to try. So much fun stuff to do. And you are ignoring all of this because you’re so much up in your head. And so that’s why you seem so boring to her. So just try to come up with some random conversation about something that you’re curious about. Again, it’s about trying to be interested in her. And not interested, like you’re obviously asking questions, like what are you doing for a living, where are you from, but well, would you typically ask a stranger this?
No, typically, when you have a conversation with someone you strike up a conversation about something really random. And it flows. You’re not forcing it. You just they’re wearing something interesting, or an interesting dress, and you find that funny. Like imagine if you would be a Filipino and I am from Germany. You would be in my hometown during Oktoberfest, or during those beer festivals. And they’re all wearing these… we call it Tracht or Dirndl. Those are these traditional German clothes that everybody knows in the world. Everyone thinks this is how we dress, but we don’t really dress like this. But everyone who goes to Germany is going to ask about this shit, for example. So there’s so many things that you can be curious about. About customs in Dubai. So you don’t have to have these manufactured, contrived conversations. Just have some fun. I always like to say “Couples who play have a reason to stay.”
So that’s obviously for maintenance of relationships. But the key point here is if you have fun with a person, if you have fun with a woman, then she’s going to want to stay with you because it’s going to be interesting. Tease her a little bit. Just ease up a little. You already had three beers, so if you can’t ease up after three beers, then it tells me that you probably need to work on your social skills in general. That means you probably shouldn’t even be at a bar at this point. You should probably just make some new friends in town and keep yourself busy with some hobbies, to be honest.
So he then says: “After that, I just kept talking to the bartenders because I felt so out of place at that bar. And I eventually left after another beer because I felt super bummed out. I clearly struggle with talking to girls and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m pretty sure I always come with the worst case scenario of what I could say to a girl while we’re having a conversation. I know I really failed and I want to improve my game and learn how to talk more confidently with women, but it seems that I really struggle with good conversation topics. Do you have any suggestions what some hacks or tricks are for talking to women?”
Well, again, it’s the wrong frame of mind. I think you’re so focused on trying to figure out what’s the right way to approach the girl and you’re always thinking that people talking to girls or people is dangerous. So one of my favorite techniques is something that comes from NLP. Neuro-linguistic programming and that is the anchoring method. So NLP or the anchoring method basically suggests that whatever you associate something with, that’s how you’re going to feel. So you’re clearly coming into this thinking “Okay, this is dangerous. If I talk to girls there’s a lot of danger. It’s going to be awkward and I’m going to have to think about how to talk to her.”
So you have the wrong anchor. Approaching a girl, anchor bad. You’re thinking about all the negative stuff. So you need to create a positive anchor. So, for example, what you could do is number one, you could before you talk to a hot girl, you think about something that you really fucking love. You’re from the Philippines. So maybe you love surfing. Maybe you love.. I’ve been in the Philippines a lot. Maybe you’ve been to Baler, La Union, Siargao, all these surf beaches and fucking love surfing. So think about how do you feel when you’re enjoying that wave, and you’re catching it, and that awesome feeling when you just can go forever, and ever. And it’s just such a great time to just be riding that wave for like over a minute. It feels so good! Doesn’t it? So that feeling, associate that feeling with talking to a hot woman. Or maybe you’ve had some successes in the past. What was your best success with a woman in the past? Put yourself back to that moment in time. And that is your anchor. That great feeling, that is what you want to get again.
So you should realize that talking to women doesn’t have to be so bad. It can actually be really fucking great! That should be your anchor. And well, your problem is you’re basically afraid of, you’re coming from the frame of mind “Am I not entertaining enough? Am I going to run into a problem?” Whereas your frame of mind should really be “Wow! This is exciting! I can’t wait to find out what she has to tell me! Something cool about her. Something interesting about her.” There must be a reason why you wanted to talk to her and obviously, sure as a guy the number one reason as a man is this girl is fucking hot and that’s why you walked over to her. But there must be something that intrigues you about her, or also other people in the bar. So stop having the frame of mind of “This is scary! I’m gonna say the wrong thing!” Start having the frame of mind of “Wow this is so cool! This person looks so strange.” I don’t know what people look like in Dubai, but I assume that they look very different from people in the Philippines. They probably also look very different from people in Germany.
So maybe they dress differently. There’s a lot of things that you can just ask and be curious about and learn something new from them. That’s how you should approach this. So when you’re desperate, and when you’re not an alpha male, you’re really in that frame of mind of what am I going to do wrong. So I think one of your problems is, in general, you are not content with yourself right now. You’re in a new city and you’re probably thinking everything can go wrong because you don’t know anyone yet. So first of all get into an alpha frame of mind and that means maybe stop going to bars first.
First, meet some people. Be curious. Be curious with strangers. Try something new in Dubai. I don’t know what they do in Dubai but it’s an incredible city. There must be so many cool things that you can do there. What is it… I think they have the quad bikes there. Or like the snowboard where you go down the hills, on obviously, sand dunes. That’s pretty cool! So meet some strangers and do something new. And be curious and meet people who have same interests. That’s what I would suggest to you before you do something that you’re not comfortable with. Maybe first work on your social skills with strangers. Make some friends.
Then you can go with your friends to the bar and then like I said, social proof creates social proof. So because with your friends and you’re having fun, that already creates more social proof. That means that the women will be more attracted to you. And then obviously, those who repeat succeed. So the more often they try this, over time, you’re going to get better at it. And you’re going to learn how to keep conversations going without turning it into a job interview. Because that’s basically what you’ve been trying to do. It should just be like you’re meeting a stranger in whatever your hobby is, and you’re talking to them and having fun. I used to go bouldering a lot in Bali and that was new to me and it was exciting. And I met new people there. And I met new people who opened my horizon about their interests and also about bouldering. Because it was so new and exciting to me. So I just had random conversations with strangers at the bouldering hall and that was cool. And I didn’t need to prove myself to these people, or think about what am I gonna say to them. Because there’s just two people meeting each other and exchanging their life experiences.
So that’s my advice for you. You clearly need a little bit more focus on unleashing the king within, and so focus on your hobbies, and your interests a little bit, while you’re new in the city. Go exploring and have fun. And don’t forget to unleash the king within. Please, let me know what you think about this. Do you agree with this take or do you not agree with this take? Give me a thumbs up if this was helpful for you, and of course, if it was super helpful, don’t forget to subscribe. And of course, you can always book coaching sessions with me. And with that, I’ll see all of you kings in the next video. Again, I’m Andy Graziosi, helping your niche your confidence and become the man that your dream woman loves. Never forget to unleash the king within.