Success with no contact: Why no contact works on everyone

Sep 28, 2021 | Breakup Advice & Get Your Ex Back

Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

What’s up, kings? In this video today I want to talk about no contact and why it actually works. So I have a message from a guy. That is essentially a case study that shows that it does indeed work if you do it right. So the problem with no contact is of course that a lot of people actually do it wrong and they screw up a lot. You know this. You’re doing a lot of begging and pleading, you’re not being very disciplined with no contact. You’re messaging your ex. You’re coming up with excuses why you’re messaging your ex. For example, her birthday or it’s Christmas, or whatever you come up with. All these contrived reasons why you’re getting in touch with your ex. Of course, that breaks no contact and then it doesn’t work.

But then there are those among you who can actually manage to stay disciplined, not reach out to your ex. Just go your own way. Figure out your own life. Get back on track with your life. Own your life. Become awesome again. Become a king again. And this is the kind of person that your ex has fallen in love with in the past. So once you become a king again, your ex becomes interested in you again. So here we have a message from a guy. Let me read this to you. He essentially shares how his ex has shown interest in him again and well, he could have taken it further than he did, but let’s get into it and let’s see what he has to say.

So he says: “Hi coach, back in November I got dumped. I was crushed. It happened around finals and needless to say the breakup didn’t help much with my stress with everything that was going on and I tried meeting up with her at least once and she didn’t want to because she wanted space. So I gave her space.

It is exactly the right thing that you did. If she asks for space, you gotta give it to her. If your ex-girlfriend does not want to date you right now, if she has had enough of the relationship, forcing the relationship or just you in general as a person on to her does not solve the situation, because she’s had enough of that. I know that really crushes you when you’ve been in a long-term relationship but sometimes we need a little bit of space to realize what we’ve missed.

So he then says: “On one day while doing groceries I saw her and talked to her for a brief moment and she states that she only wants me as a friend. Again, I was crushed. I looked to the internet for advice since all my friends and roommates have always been in long-term relationships. I found this thread on Reddit and kept reading. Most of it was sad stuff with a couple of good stories about moving on.

So if you wanna find motivation about getting an ex back or what to do after a breakup, maybe Reddit is not the best place to go because, well you know, Reddit, in general, doesn’t have the best reputation. But you know, the idea is if you are really depressed, depressed people all gather in the same place. To give you an anecdote. If you are trying to figure out what laptop to buy, right, this laptop here, I bought this laptop here. Dell XPS 13. It’s been my dream laptop for the longest time. So I went to Reddit. Dell XPS forum. Subreddit. And you know, try to figure out, okay is this a good laptop? Is it good or not? I wanted to have a long-term investment and of course, everyone who posts in that forum is just complaining. So everyone who’s happy with that laptop doesn’t post there, right? That’s just how the internet works.

Same way, everyone who’s depressed and sad is going to go to Reddit and find his subreddit where he can basically be sad and depressed and indulge in all of his frustration and loneliness and so on. And you don’t want to get sucked into this. So maybe not the best place to look for advice. Just my two cents on the topic.

He then says: “I decided to do no contact after reading more. It was the WORST thing ever. The whole month of December and most of January was pitiful. I did no contact for over a month and it worked.

So yeah, it was painful. You really hated it, obviously because you want your ex back. But it gets you back on track because the whole point of no contact is that you don’t stalk your ex. You don’t check out her Facebook posts. You stop thinking about her. Of course, it’s not that easy but you basically stop occupying her with your life, because right now, both your lives are separate and your ex is kind of trying to move on. She’s moving on with her life, you still want her back. And so you could never get her back if you’re the one who’s chasing her. She needs to be the one who chases you and so it takes time for her to realize it was a mistake to break up. That’s what no contact does, amongst other things. Amongst you helping to get back on track with your life and feel happy again.

So then he says: “Our breakup was clean and there were no fights. So that’s why I think fast forward to mid-January, she finally reached out because I saw her friend at a bar and chatted with her about the winter break. I was shocked and didn’t know what to do so I read your book and watched some of your videos. It’s just how you say it. Never be desperate if she reaches out.

Yeah, now she’s becoming interested. She runs into your friend and if you don’t become needy, if you don’t chase her, if you don’t message her every now and then, and she has to wonder what’s going on… “We’ve been together for two years, three years, four years and now it’s like he’s just disappeared. At first, he was really hesitant to accept this breakup but now he’s gone” and well, the reality is most of us realize that after a while, probably it’s kind of harder to get back after a breakup. So, especially in the first year and the second year, it’s kind of easy to get back together. Anything is possible. You could even get back together after five years, right? Especially if there’s no bad blood between the two of you.

But obviously, people move on eventually and find someone new to date. Typically, if you’re single, after many, many years, or if things didn’t work out with someone, there is a chance to get back together. But obviously, if you’re dating someone else it can’t work out. So your ex eventually has to face the reality that you might actually be finding someone else as well, which she didn’t anticipate, because she’s the one who wanted the relationship to end. So she had enough and she didn’t really care about this initially but eventually, she does care.

So he says: “From my experience, I can now say don’t be desperate. You want the girl to initiate the conversation, not yourself. Do not put in more effort into texting or talking than she does. This drives some people nuts. If your ex wants to have a conversation with you she will initiate it. Fuck em if they don’t.

That’s right! Don’t respond to texts immediately, either. And this advice is actually whether you’re doing no contact for an ex or just dating in general. You don’t want to be the one who always messages the woman. The woman should reach out to you because women are all about connection. They’re all about relationships. They’re all about bonding. There are a lot of long-term studies about this. If you look at work from the Gottman Institute, for example, connection is one of the most important things for women. And so obviously, in dating, you want to make sure that it is the woman who initiates the connection, and then you are the one who facilitates it. Same with getting an ex back.

So he then says: “Time went on again and I see my ex at a bar. I did not approach. I waited for her to approach me. If she wanted to talk she would have to initiate it. We start talking, then she starts holding my hand. I’m like what the fuck is this???

And he adds like three question marks here. He’s really confused. What the hell is going on?! Because she was just off the face of the earth and all of a sudden she’s here at the bar comes over to him and holds his hand. He didn’t expect that. But that’s just how it is if you play it cool, if you play your cards right, and if you don’t seem needy and weak, and if you seem like the good choice to date, your exes will come back because they still have feelings for you.

He then says: “Again, I was shocked but acted like it didn’t matter. I didn’t acknowledge it. I went home alone, happy knowing that I saw she had some interest left.

Good step! Exactly! Well, you could have maybe seduced her in this instance but the bottom line is you didn’t started drooling all over her. You didn’t started chasing her. You’re not messaging her too much and she is now interested in you because everything was cool. No drama. She liked the interaction and she probably wants more.

So he then says: “Fast forward to this week. I’m at the same bar and she is there. She came up to me before I even knew she was there. I tried playing it cool since I really only wanted to hang with my guy friends that night, but I ended up talking to her for over an hour and at the end of the night she planted a kiss on me. I acted as nothing happened but I had a lot of butterflies in my stomach.

Yeah, so this is exactly the right approach. So, whether it’s for getting an ex back or dating, it’s a good approach if you go to a bar and you just hang out with your friends. So if you are going to a bar, I am pretty sure I have this advice in my book as well to some extent. Well, I have this one phrase in my book that I really like, that’s called “social proof creates more social proof” and so the idea is that if people can tell that people like you, if you have social proof with other people, if you’re just having fun and you are the center of attention in a bar, for example, people want to get to know you, especially women. And so for example, if you hang out with one attractive woman all of a sudden all of the attractive women, all the women in the entire bar want to get to know you because that is social proof and it creates more social proof. And so in his case, he went to the bar and his main priority was “hey I just want to hang out with the guys” and he’s quite detached at this point from the situation.

He obviously would be happy if things would be working out between them but he’s not chasing her and so she plants a kiss on him that same night. And he acted as if nothing happened but he had a lot of butterflies in his stomach. Now, here’s what he did wrong: He could have seduced this woman. This was the second time at a bar. You know, you’re already probably at least tipsy, she has shown interest and I would have at least made out with her. It sounds like she gave you a kiss on the cheek, maybe, I don’t know, you’re not clarifying what kind of kiss was it but I would have suggested “hey let’s go to my place” because she’s clearly into you.

There’s no drama between you. It seems like your breakup wasn’t that bad and she has interest, so she’s waiting for you to make the next move. She’s basically sending you signals and so if you don’t realize that these signals are there and you take action, eventually she’s going to realize “well, it’s not going anywhere” and she might not realize that you’re not realizing all of her signals, but maybe she will think that you’re just not interested, but the bottom line is eventually she’s gonna give up and she’s gonna find someone else. So now is your window of opportunity! So go for it!

So he wraps it up saying: “No contact sucks but your ex will come around if the breakup is clean and there were no big fights. Don’t act desperate and live your life. When you’re having fun without your ex and they see that, they take notice.

That’s a very fair point. So first of all, I don’t think that it matters whether you had a clean breakup or not. Obviously, if you had a clean breakup it is so much much easier but it doesn’t necessarily matter because time really heals all wounds, even really really hard breakups where there has been some level of infidelity, cheating, dishonesty, even then it can work out.

So to give you an example: One of my exes who has been very insecure… I just threw her out like right on the spot. She was so insecure and jealous and that one time I had enough and I kicked her out and that was it. I was just completely done and she was begging and pleading. “Hey, I’m sorry. I’m not gonna make these mistakes ever again!” But I just had enough. I was just over it. I just didn’t want her insecure jealous escapades anymore and that was over. And we hadn’t seen each other for years but then after maybe three, four years we kind of get in touch again somehow. I don’t even know how it happened and I had sex with her and I could have gotten back with her if wanted to, but I didn’t really had the interest to get back with her. But you know, I had some good sex with her every now and then. And we had a pretty bad breakup. So things can get back to normal even after bad breakups.

So that’s important to note and then like he says, it’s true: Don’t act desperate and live your life. That is the important part. “Unleash the king within“. Because what a lot of people do is they do the opposite. This is the typical case of one-itis. It doesn’t even have to relate just to breakups where men act like this one woman is the only woman that they’re ever gonna find. But this is not the truth. You could literally find another woman every day if you really tried. You could find another woman to date every single day. Now, obviously, not every woman is going to be as great as the other, right? Not everyone will be as compatible. And then you also have to factor in that you’re probably not going to have the balls to meet one new woman every single day but theoretically, it’s possible. I actually experimented with this. So I tried out ways of how to approach women. How to talk to women.

As a dating coach, I’m not an in-field expert, or like one of these pickup artist guys, but I just learned it for myself, primarily. I don’t think that this is my main priority in life or as a dating coach to teach you how to pick up women or how to have manipulative techniques. Everything in my book “Unleash The King Within” is primarily mindset-based, but you know, whatever floats your boat. But the bottom line is it’s possible, okay? And so yeah, you should just live your life and be happy with your life. I know that’s hard after a breakup but this guy is the perfect case study of success with no contact. Why no contact works on everyone. It works in everyone because after a while we forget all of these negative things and it’s always relative, because you have to realize that the bar of how bad people can be quite freaking low.

So the fact that you really care about this, you’re watching this video right now already tells me that you are a nicer person on an average scale, than the average person. So to give you an, example the one of the first women that I ever fell in love with, she was the first crush that I ever had in the Philippines and we were very close to each other but eventually she started dating someone else who was less of a nice guy than me and she ended up dating this guy long term. And she actually married that guy but that guy actually was very abusive, and a cheater, and some women just have low standards as well. And this guy was just not a good choice for her. He was just really an awful guy. There’s always a worse fish in the sea and so we often think that we are not that great. We make mistakes and then we reminisce and we think back on the mistakes that we’ve made and we think that we’re that bad, but we’re actually not that bad compared to other people. Often we are actually quite good. This is also why your ex typically will just look back on you and realize “well he’s not that bad” because there are a lot of bad people out there.

There are a lot of bad men out there. A lot of men who beat their ex. There are a lot of men who try to be controlling with their ex. There are a lot of men who don’t want their ex to talk with other guys. I just read some news a few weeks ago about some dude in Bali. I love Bali. I’m either in Bali or in the Philippines most of the time. There was some dude in Indonesia who beat someone up with, we call these things, that metal knuckles, beat some dude up just because he looked at his girlfriend. So you know, some people are just fucking crazy! Some men are fucking crazy and so your ex is not gonna look back at you as you being a complete piece of shit unless you did horrible things, okay? And horrible is really relative. You might think that you did something really horrible, but there’s always someone who’s worse.

And so this is where it might come in handy to talk to me to get perspective on your situation. Did you really make huge mistakes? How bad were they? Let’s try to rank them. Let’s try to figure out how bad was this really? And based on that we can then come up with a strategy for how you should react. How you should talk to your ex. How you should treat no contact and what to do when she reaches out to you, and so on. Right? Every breakup is different and everything, there’s a lot of variables, and everyone has to figure out his own strategy how to reattract an ex, or attract any woman for that matter. So I hope this was helpful and gave you a little bit of perspective on it’s possible. This guy is a good example.

He should have seduced her. Obviously, he didn’t, but overall good job, dude! So what I suggest to you for the next time is, well, if you go to this bar. It seems like it’s the same bar over and over when you go to this bar again the next time, she comes over, she holds your hands, she kisses you, you talk for an hour, after like that hour, you grab a few beers, or cocktails, or whatever, and then say “hey let’s get out of here” and then you go to your place and she’s gonna be excited about it! And then all you have to do is turn off the lights and I don’t know man, whatever she likes. Whatever you like. Push her against the wall. Push her towards the bedroom. And undress her and she’s probably gonna… she’s probably been waiting for you to seduce her.

So that’s my advice for you. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Do you agree with this take or maybe you don’t? If you like this video, of course, give me a thumbs up and subscribe to my YouTube channel, and if you need some more help there’s a few ways how I can help you.

So first of all, you can get my book “Unleash The King Within” from Amazon, or you can also get my training programs “Confidence King” or my “Financial Freedom King” training program and of course, you can always book a coaching session with me. I’m coach Andy Graziosi, I help you to unleash your confidence and become the man that women love. I’ll see all of you kings in the next video.

Brauchst Du mehr Hilfe?

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Wenn Du Dir Coaching-Sitzungen nicht leisten kannst, mein Buch Unleash The King Within oder mein Trainingsprogramm Selbstvertrauen-König sind großartige Selbsthilfe-Tools, mit denen Du Dein Privatleben und Deine Dating-Erfahrungen verbessern kannst.

Hallo, ich bin Andy Graziosi. Ich helfe Männern ihr Selbstvertrauen zu entfalten und ihr volles Potenzial auszuschöpfen. Meine wissenschaftlich fundierte Philosophie lautet: „Der König ist bereits ein Gewinner.“ — Erstaunliche Frauen fühlen sich bereits zu dir hingezogen. Alles, was ein König tun muss, ist diese Anziehungskraft zu seinem Vorteil zu nutzen.

Du kannst mit Deiner Traumfrau ausgehen. Ich helfe Dir ein starkes männliches Gerüst zu entwickeln und aufrechtzuerhalten. Dies hilft Dir Deine Dating-Unsicherheiten zu überwinden & eine Macht zu werden, auf die man zählen kann.

Wenn Du Hilfe benötigst, kannst Du Dich gerne an mich wenden.

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Der Schlüssel hier ist der Mentalitätswandel, den dieses Buch ermöglichen wird. Es ist eine neue Perspektive, die klarstellt und Dir hilft, den König in Dir zu sehen, der immer von Frauen umgeben ist, die mit Dir zusammen sein wollen.

Sobald Du diese neue Denkweise hast, fängst Du buchstäblich an, atemberaubende Frauen überall anzuziehen, ohne einen Finger rühren zu müssen.

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