The last minute flake: Why she cancels a date

Nov 27, 2021 | Dating & Attraction

Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

What’s up, kings? Today we’re gonna talk about flaking. So if a woman flakes on you last minute on a date, there’s typically a few reasons. Number one is that you are doing something that is turning her off, you’re not passing her tests. Her shittests and because of that she’s flaking on you. Number two is maybe she has some things going on in her life and also perhaps you’re not passing her test. So it’s a mix of both and you can’t influence it 100%. And number three, maybe she is actually doing this with everybody and she’s always flaking on every guy. And really, what we call this is a narcissist.

In this case, you can’t do anything. You could perform some voodoo on her and she would always flake on you. This is the kind of woman that you just forget and dump. So I have a situation from a guy who has a girl or a woman that has been flaking on him and let’s go through his situation and see what is my advice what is he doing wrong, what’s going on here.

So he says: “Hi coach, I would like to get your advice on flaking especially when a woman just flakes almost last minute. During the last month, I’ve been seeing a girl and there is definitely chemistry unlike I’ve felt in a long time. I believe that feeling to be mutual due to our interactions together, the way we make each other feel, and the things she says. However, I am starting to have doubts because she seems to be pretty flaky and it is difficult to tell if she is avoiding or seriously busy elsewhere. In the last week and a half, she has canceled dates with me last minute, two times.

Well, you should really question “how much chemistry is there really?” Okay, you might be doing some things wrong. Perhaps you’re turning her off a little bit but the bottom line is if a woman really loves you, a woman really likes you, she’s really into you, attracted to you, falling for you, whatever you want to call it, she’s gonna make time for you. I always say “a woman who trusts discovers her lust” so she probably doesn’t trust you enough. She doesn’t want to hang out with you. You think there’s a lot of chemistry. Maybe there is some chemistry but there is clearly not enough chemistry. Otherwise, she would not be flaking on you.

So he then says: “At first she said with some enthusiasm that she was single and that she thought that I was cute. We exchanged numbers and have been texting for about a week and then we made our first plans. First, we had planned to go to a pretty popular new steak restaurant that we both hadn’t been to yet. During the day of our date, I sent her a message in the middle of the day saying ‘Hey, so I reserved seats for us at 8 PM. Just in case I am running late, just ask for the reservation of Tim and Mika. I will see you there.’ She replied with a really short message of ‘Okay, thanks’ and nothing until maybe one and a half hours before our date. She then said that she was having a bad headache and that she couldn’t make it tonight.

So what’s my advice with what you did wrong? I have to say you actually had the right intentions you were kind of trying to portray “Look, I know what I’m doing. I’m making clear plans. I’m giving clear instructions. I’m taking lead.” So that’s why you’re saying “Hey, by the way, I reserved seats for us.” That is technically, theoretically, a good thing. So you had some good thinking here but it seems a little bit forceful. You’re saying “Yo, I reserved seats. You better show up,” so she might interpret that as a way of you trying to control the situation. “By the way, I reserved seats for us. You have to show up. Don’t flake on me.

I’m not saying that this is what she’s thinking but this could be what she’s interpreting it as and maybe this is actually what you’ve been doing. Now, I agree that what you did was good with reserving the seats. What I would have done is I wouldn’t have told her anything. I would have just surprised her. If she would have shown up to that restaurant and she would have seen that you reserved the seats, she would have been positively surprised. She would have been like “Wow! This guy takes charge! He knows how to get things done. Good job!” She would be like that to control the situation in a little bit. So this might have turned her off a little bit.

So he then says: “I replied ‘okay, don’t worry, I hope you feel better again soon.’ She didn’t suggest going out again but we kept texting, although she wasn’t as responsive as before. Anyway, eventually, we set up yet another dinner date on a Saturday. On Friday I called her to confirm the details. She sounded a bit unenthusiastic but agreed to the date.

Well, so you can see she’s kind of not that invested anymore. She didn’t even suggest rescheduling. Then she’s not very responsive but you managed to set up another date, but the problem is you are trying to confirm the date again. So it kind of shows that you’re insecure. So the first time could have already been interpreted as insecurity. I don’t know if you did it out of insecurity with the confirmation of the 8 PM dinner date and letting her know about the reservation or if you really did it to take charge and you just didn’t know that maybe you shouldn’t have told her about it. Now, in this case, it definitely looks like you’re seeking approval.

You’re questioning “Hey, are we still up for our date?” It’s almost like you’re already assuming that you’re not going to see her. So she can probably tell that you’re being a bit insecure about the situation and that must be turning her off. I always say “if she can deceive she is going to leave!” So she can tell that she can manipulate you. If she can tell that you’re insecure, if she can tell that she can just flake on you right away, and you’re not gonna say anything, she’s gonna leave. So now let’s see what’s going to happen.

He says: “But then 20 minutes later I got a text saying she can’t make it to our date again and she has been called into work and the date is off. She apologized that she has to cancel again and I just texted her back saying ‘That’s fine. I have other things I can do instead, talk to you later.’…

So the problem, of course, with this situation is: Well, maybe she really has work. Who knows. But I wouldn’t have said “that’s fine, I have other things that I can do, talk to you later.” I would have just said “Yeah fine.” That’s it because kind of you’re trying to portray again that you’re strong and “It’s cool, don’t worry. I can do other things.” Well, yeah, obviously, that should be a given that you can do something else. It should just be common sense that well if she doesn’t have time for you, whatever, you’re gonna do something else. But you’re purposely letting her know yeah, it’s cool, doesn’t bother me! I can do something else! So that might be turning her off again. I wouldn’t have said that. So what are you gonna do here? She’s flaked on you two times. So the question is do you try another date? She’s probably gonna flake again. So I would probably retreat at this point but let’s see where it goes.

So after this, she never really updated me on another date. This has happened several times. Not just with her. And it’s starting to upset me that I get flaked on last minute but they’re not bogus excuses, so I don’t know how to react. I make time to see her but it’s not reciprocated and I know I can’t demand her time but if I was worth it in her mind, she’d make time, wouldn’t she?

Yes, correct. If a woman really likes you, she’s going to make time for you and you know, I mean, let’s be real. If you really like someone and you go on a date, you would rather not go to work and see the person that you’re gonna go on a date with, than go to work. Unless you’re a super crazy workaholic. But most people would rather spend time on something that’s fun, that gives them joy, that excites them. And if you’re just falling in love with someone, infatuation, or if you’re just getting to know someone and you’re really attracted to that person, then you’re going to be so excited to see them. So clearly she’s not really making an effort to see you.

So he then says: “Since then, communication has hit the rails and honestly I think it’s over. Thinking back, this may have been the moment it all went wrong. Maybe I am overthinking this but I’m starting to think that I should have faked being mad about her canceling on me. Let her sweat over it for a day or something.

Well, I wouldn’t have been mad about it. That’s the wrong way to go. It’s always about unleashing the king within. You always have to portray yourself as a king and a king doesn’t get mad. A king doesn’t swear. A king doesn’t get angry. A king is always calm and collected and you know, if your woman does something they don’t like, you call her out for it, sure. You can call her out for it but you’re just like yeah fine, I don’t like what she did here and you sip your tea, your coffee, very relaxed… “Whatever! I’m gonna do something else. Doesn’t bother me.

That’s how you should do it. So you could have told her “Hey I don’t like that you’ve been flaking out on me.” Again, perhaps you could have done that but I probably wouldn’t do anything. What I would do is I would punish her by not talking to her anymore, because that’s the only way how she can realize that well, if she actually likes you and she just flakes on you because she’s thinking that you’re insecure, and you’re not passing her shittests, well then the only thing that you can do is to take away your attention, so she realizes she’s losing you, and she realizes “Well, I thought he’s very insecure but he’s not that insecure that he’s not going to pull away.” So you have to take away the attention from her. Then maybe she will realize “Hmm, well, okay, you know what? Let’s go on that date finally.” But you can’t always be insecure and, for example, if you would try to fake that you’re mad and angry, that’s insecurity as well. Anger is insecurity. So I wouldn’t do that.

So he then says: “In general, what should be your attitude towards women who are flaky? By that, I mean canceling dates, not always responding to messages, etc. Should the attitude be indifference? Anger? Call her out as a flake? Dump her immediately? I know that I’m venting and probably thinking too much into things but I am not sure how to move forward. Should I continue to be understanding or should I let her know my frustration? Part of me definitely wants to tell her off a bit and let her know I only want to spend time with her if she wants to spend time with me. And the other part says tell her it’s okay, once again, and be patient. It’s a definite struggle of not wanting to come off too strong and ruin things but wanting to let her know I don’t want to waste my time. Should I just cut my losses or keep trying to get together, or something else?

So to answer your question it always depends on the situation. You know, sometimes if you just become forceful and express what you feel and what you need, you might be over the top. You’re coming off too strong, especially if it’s just one time, a one-time thing. And maybe her reason for flaking might actually be real then it could be maybe too strong. But in this case, it probably would be okay to call her out on it. Not aggressively. Not angry. Not frustrated. Just say “Hey I tried to go out on a date with you two times. I know you were sick the first time and I know you had to work. It’s not your fault but I think we shouldn’t go out on dates anymore. It was really nice knowing you and see you later.

And what that is going to do is she’s probably going to be really, really shocked because a lot of men wouldn’t do that. Most men would just be like what you said. Be like okay, I’m just gonna say okay, it’s fine. Don’t worry. And basically, just forgive her for whatever happens. Because some men will just delude themselves into thinking that it’s always just her. It’s just that well, she was busy. She really had something to do. She really was sick. But like I said: What are the odds after two times? It’s almost a pattern already. So typically, three times maximum, it’s definitely a pattern. But at two times it’s very likely already a pattern. So you can tell that she’s not that into you. She’s not making an effort. So call her out on it. What I would also suggest in such a case is like you suggested, should you move on, should you just dump her, should you just let it go?

Yes, I would let it go. I would say well it’s not going where you want it to go, so put the ball in her court. If she doesn’t want to spend time with you, fine! Spend time with other women. Start dating other women. Actually, you should always date multiple women at the same time, unless you’re being very exclusive with a woman. If you’re not exclusive, or if you’re not very serious yet, there’s no point in not dating multiple women, or at least getting to know multiple women because you are a king and you deserve a queen. And dating is all about meeting the right queen for you.

The woman that really appreciates you, that loves you, is going to make time for you, that really wants to spend time with you and wants to give you her gifts. Sex, compassion, kindness. All the good qualities that a woman has. She should be there to give you her life energy. The great stuff that she has that every man wants. So if a woman doesn’t give you that, you’re gonna find another one. So like I said at the beginning of this video, this woman either is a case of you didn’t pass her shittests or maybe it is a mix of if you didn’t pass her shit tests and she has stuff to do with work as well.

But I believe it’s more likely that you literally just didn’t pass her shit tests. I think the work thing probably was an excuse. You never know for sure but the bottom line is you can’t really do anything. You should move on. If she comes back, fine. But then she gets one more try. If she flakes one more time, you’re out. And if you set up a date with her again, then don’t ask and try to confirm the date. Just schedule the date. If she then flakes again, then you say “Hey, it was nice knowing you. I don’t think this can work. I don’t want to go out on a date anymore. You are definitely a flake I don’t like flaky women and I think you should see someone else.

That is my advice for you. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Of course, give me a thumbs-up, and subscribe to the channel, and as always, don’t forget to unleash the king within.

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