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The submissive male is blind to dating red flags in a woman

Sep 23, 2021 | Toxic Relationships

This post is also available in: Deutsch (German)

Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

What’s up, kings? I’m coach Andy Graziosi and I help you unleash your confidence and become the man that women love. In this video, we’re gonna look at the situation of a man who’s incredibly submissive. He’s basically been walked all over by a woman, she doesn’t have a lot of attraction for him, it’s just not going the right way, they broke up a few times or I think maybe one time, and things are just not good. She’s basically not really into him and he has a big problem, which is, she’s essentially treating him like a doormat and he doesn’t even realize all of these red flags that are going on. So let me see what is my advice for him and let’s see what is the situation.

He says: “I’ve already sought advice from my friends on my relationship but it’s time to seek some impartial advice so here goes. Before this relationship, I’d never been in love. Looking back, I realized that now, this girl for me is love.

So first of all, I want to say that it’s a good idea to look for impartial advice and to not ask friends for relationship advice. First of all, they are not experts in the field. They’re always gonna tell you their opinion or whatever they’ve been reading on, you know, if you’re asking a woman’s opinion as a man, you know “what did I do wrong?“, “what can I do better?” and “how can I win her back?” she’s probably gonna tell you some garbage that she read on, what’s that blog, elitedaily.com, one of these feminist blogs that are completely distorted from reality, and just don’t look at actual evidence from science and what social studies actually tell us. Or they’re going to look at advice, that they see in movies and what blogs tell them. All these feminist blogs and so on and so forth.

And that’s never gonna work because they have no idea what the hell they’re actually doing, because why would you go to people for advice who have never been in a healthy relationship who are not married? Maybe you could ask advice from someone who is much much older than you, at least probably has 10 more years experience dating and is in a healthy long-term relationship. Maybe he’s even married. The bottom line is you can actually trust that person. But even then that person might actually be in an unhappy relationship, you never know. So if you could really tell that this couple is happy then you could ask a person for advice, maybe.

You know, one of my ex-bosses, him and his wife, or well they were a couple, not really married, but they had a daughter together. You could tell that they had a really good relationship. And I asked him for advice before and his advice helped me when I didn’t really know anything about relationships a few years ago, right? So you can maybe sometimes gauge this a little bit, you can watch and see how people actually talk with each other, couples talk with each other. But in general, don’t ask strangers for advice. Don’t ask your friends for advice. If you need help ask me for help or go to a coaching session with me or any other coach. I don’t give a shit. A therapist. But please, just don’t find advice from people who don’t know what they’re talking about because it will only backfire, essentially.

So he says: “I started dating my girlfriend over a year ago. I knew I was in love with her by the end of the first date and I told her on our second date she was in love with me…” sorry “…and she told me on her second date that she was in love with me as well, and things were amazing as we talked about old relationships. She told me that nearly every boyfriend she had, had described her as cold and a sort of an ice queen.

Well, so there are already multiple red flags in just one paragraph. Number one, you both… you tell her, or you could tell, that you are in love, or… you are falling in love, or that you’re in love with her after the first date. What the hell, man. How is that even possible? Dude, I cannot fall in love with a woman after a first date. I mean, yeah, I can be totally into her. I can be dying to see her again. Maybe I had sex with her and she was just extremely gorgeous and I can’t wait to see her again. Or I can’t wait to finally have sex with her because maybe the first date didn’t end up with sex, but that’s it, man. You can’t fall in love with someone after the first date. That’s just not possible and her telling you after the second date, you know, obviously, the more often you see each other, the more likely it is that you’re falling in love with each other. But at this point, it’s just very, very early infatuation. It’s attraction, basically, but are you falling in love? Maybe slowly but I wouldn’t express those feelings as I am falling in love with you and tell that that person.

Red flag for me. It’s too soon. You know, take it slow. Some people do this. Narcissists do this very commonly. They call this actually love bumping. It’s a technique where you tell the other person what they want to hear. So codependent people actually do this because they want to please the other person, they’re scared that if they don’t tell them these kinds of things, and they’re going to lose that person because the person will find someone else. And narcissists, so manipulative abusive people, they do it because they just try to wrap you around their fingers and tell you whatever you want to hear, so that you’re happy. And so codependents love this kind of stuff, so you don’t want to do something that is actually known as a toxic narcissistic trait. You know, food for thought.

Also, you said that you talked about your old relationships and she had described… she said that every boyfriend… “every“… she says “every.” You know, words really matter. Every boyfriend she ever had described her as cold and as sort of an ice queen. Ice-motherfucking-queen, dude! I’m pretty sure nobody would want to be called an ice queen. I don’t know if you have ever seen the show “Dexter” which is this show with this serial killer and there’s this girl, her name is Deborah, and she’s being called an ice queen once. I’m not gonna spoil why but basically, she freaks out when she realized that someone in a way calls her an ice queen. So you know, who wants to be called an ice queen? Who wants to be called out for being so cold in relationships?! That should be a major, major red flag. That’s just awful. So there must be something incredibly wrong with her. And why would you ignore that?!

My ex who motivated me to become a relationship coach, she told me something similar. She had a lot of narcissistic traits but I didn’t realize it back then. But one thing she told me when we were early in our dating was she told me… …she told me that, well, she told me that her ex blocked her but the other thing that was more interesting that she told me was that her parents or her family never approved of her after a breakup. They would always support the ex-boyfriend after the breakup.

So back then, I thought “yeah maybe your parents are just dumb” you know, “they’re just not supportive, your parents suck” or something like this. But if something like this is a pattern and it happens all the time, you ignore it, that’s a red flag, and eventually, I blocked my narcissistic ex and I realized why she told me that. She was testing how much do you ignore these red flags and this woman is probably also testing. Are you going to ignore this red flag? She told you “all my ex-boys ex-boyfriends think that I’m shit, let’s see if he doesn’t care” because that is a good gauge for her how much can she manipulate you. As we go through this video and this message we’re gonna see how much this woman is manipulating you, and using you, and just not… there’s an imbalance of power, basically, in the relationship.

So he says… yeah, there we go! You were just like me. You say: “I couldn’t believe her. She was so warm and loving and told me all the time how lucky she felt to have me and how much she loved me. I was just as soppy and over a year on I still am. It’s maybe obvious, but she isn’t as soppy anymore. In over a year I’ve never met her 12-year-old son, any of her family, and only one of her friends.

Okay, actually what I just mentioned with the love bombing. She’s literally doing this. She’s been warm and nice and now you’re like “she’s no longer doing this. So this is kind of weird. What is going on?” and you’ve never met her 12-year-old son, any of her family, and only one of her friends. And you have been dating for over a year ago?! What the hell, man. I mean the only reason why anyone would not want to introduce you to their friends and their circle of friends, the social circle, and so on, and the things that are important to your life, is because you don’t want them to meet that person. You don’t want them to get to know them because you’re embarrassed by them. You want to, hide that you have a relationship. You don’t want to commit. You know, whatever… There could be many reasons, but obviously, that is another red flag. Man, you’re ignoring it just like I did.

Then he says: “Things first went wrong a couple of months in. She told me how jealous she was of my best friend, a girl, stating ‘guys and girls’ can’t be friends.” Now, I do somewhat agree with this statement, a little bit. Obviously, there’s always attraction between men and women and especially certain people who have not a lot of experience with relationships might do the wrong things when they have that attraction and are unhappy in relationships. But overall, she’s controlling you and telling you what you are supposed to do with your best friends. So it seems like she knows your friends, which among others is a girl, and she’s telling you what to do with those friends. Well, that’s a bit unfair, don’t you think?! Well, that’s what I think at least.

Then he says: “This is a complete contradiction to her own friendship with a few guys, two of whom are ex-boyfriends.

One more red flag!

I’m a little jealous but I trust her completely. I’m more jealous that she makes time for these guys and not me. Anyway, she needn’t worry about me and my friend as we were like siblings. Nothing has ever happened, never will happen between us, but because of how my girlfriend felt, I stopped seeing my friend as much and she became my ex-best friend.

So now one of your best friends of all times is no longer your friend because of this, well, b-word. I’m not gonna say it but you know this beee–atch… …and you’re losing your friends. What the hell. You know, it seems like all of these standards apply only to you but not to her. It’s one more red flag! She’s manipulating you. She’s using you. She’s walking all over you. You’re being a doormat.

He then says: “Just before Christmas I picked her up from her Christmas night out. I drove her and her two friends home in a journey lasting in total two hours. She didn’t say a word to me the whole time and wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. The next day she dumped me by text message because we were getting too serious.” So now you met her friends who you rarely meet and now you’re getting too serious and she doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore. Maybe that’s an avoidant attachment style. It’s quite common with narcissistic people and she seems narcissistic to have an avoidant attachment style. Pushing people away. You know, she clearly doesn’t want to define the relationship. DTR basically just really scares her and she just wants to keep you at bay. She just wants to use you and maybe now she feels like she can no longer use you so much. Now it’s getting more inconvenient because you’re hanging out more often, perhaps, who knows.

So he then says: “We had been talking about marriage in kids but it was her that said she wanted it all and started the conversation.

Keep this in mind because it’s gonna get interesting later. She brought up the conversation of the kids that she wanted it and the marriage.

She didn’t know it but I had bought an engagement ring simply because I had the cash at the time and thought while I have it I’ll buy one.

So yeah, that’s a good action point if you feel that things are right and you just want to do it then you should just take action. Marrying someone is scary, but in this situation, I would not have bought the ring. But because this woman is just wayyy down here on the desirability scale, you can’t even see her, my hand, anymore. So she’s quite low here on the ground. Maybe two feet in the ground. She needs to first get her shit together and treat you better before you even think about marrying her, dude. That is just an absolute no-go. Nope! Nope! Nope! Dude, you sound exactly like me with that woman.

Now he says: “My plan was to ask her six months on in the summer on our anniversary, as long as she had let me into her world a little bit more. Obviously, after getting dumped those plans changed.

Well, who would have thought?

She begged me to take her back saying it was a massive mistake. I took her back all within a week.

Okay, so she’s regretting it, maybe. She thought she can find a replacement for you but maybe because everyone thinks that she’s an ice queen, there’s not that many good guys actually out there who are willing to take her and deal with her bullshit. Who knows how old you are. I don’t think you mentioned this here but the older you get, the more you become aware of these shit patterns and you have no more leeway, no threshold, for all this crap. I still remember one time, I was at my men’s group. I have a men’s circle that I joined in Bali, they’re all over, actually, the world, and there was this guy one time and he shared about narcissism and he shared something like “narcissism, a narcissist is so predictable” and a lot of people just shook their heads.

You know, a lot of older guys already in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and a lot of people just resonated and agreed. You know, the older you get, the more you get used to all of this bullshit and you’re just like “Nah! I’m out of here! What the fuck!” You know, if you’re older and she is older, then she’s probably dating older men as well and they probably have no tolerance for her crap. So that’s maybe why she’s back, just saying.

He then says: “Things were good again for a while but in February I made a massive mistake. I went for dinner and a night out with my friends. I invited her but she didn’t want to go. Anyway, later that night at the club my ex-best friend turned up with her boyfriend and I invited her and her partner to join me and my friends. We had two drinks and I left for home early and by myself. My girlfriend found out that my ex-best friend turned up on my night out and asked me directly about it and I’m ashamed to say I lied and said she wasn’t there. I completely understand why she couldn’t trust me after that. I grubbled, apologized, and stopped seeing nearly all my friends after that. Luckily…

…LUCKILY, she stayed with me.

So yes, the lying part was not the right way to go about it but obviously, you kind of are already very insecure and so because she always treats you like that, you were basically afraid to say the wrong thing and shit to go southwards again and you’re probably just happy when things are not complete in drama mode. And did you make a mistake by talking to your ex-best friend? Not ex-girlfriend! Ex-best friend with her boyfriend! No, of course not. So obviously, it is your responsibility, you made a choice to lie. You should really reflect on this. You’re clearly codependent. You’re a nice guy. You’re letting yourself being walked all over and whatever this woman, does no matter how much she mistreats you, you’re just like “please dear queen, please forgive me! I will no longer do this! I will stop talking to every human on this planet! Forgive me!” It’s like… come on, man. Have a bit of self-respect! That’s… you’re a doormat, sorry to be so harsh, but you are a doormat and it’s kind of weak.

So he says: “Things were okay, not great or as good as they had been, but okay. Then out of the blue again, one night, she called me and dumped me again and this time claiming she thought it was for best because I didn’t seem happy.

Well, okay, so maybe she’s not a narcissist. Maybe she’s just crazy. Who knows. Maybe she’s real about this and she’s realizing “well I’m really fucked up and I am really not treating him right, and I’m doing a lot of mistakes.” and she’s just thinking “well, maybe it’s best to break up” and then on her part I would actually give her some credit. You know, that would be a good thing but because she has been doing a lot of these bad things, what are the odds that she’s gonna break up because of that reason? Because she’s so concerned about your well-being?! It sounds to me that the whole time she didn’t give two fucks about your well-being! So you know, she didn’t care about this all this time. But now she cares all of a sudden?! It’s like she grew a conscience, man. Maybe she’s slowly becoming a warm queen. I don’t know, summer queen. A beach queen. Who knows, maybe she had an epiphany. I don’t think so but who knows.

Now he says: “Now, considering I thought that would be my choice I committed to the breakup even though I was absolutely distraught. She told me it was a mistake and begged for me back but this time I said no and we were separated for one and a half months.

This is the first good thing that I see in this entire message so far. Good! Good thing for saying “no she dumped you twice already. She’s been treating you like shit. Not again! I’m done with this crap! I respect myself and I will find someone who treats me better!” but unfortunately you say “I just couldn’t move on. I did try and couldn’t do it. So when she asked if we could talk, I was delighted to get her back. Things aren’t as good as they were before. She’s colder than ever.

Ice queen!

She tells me she loves me but in the same breath tells me she never wants to have kids, doesn’t see herself settling down with me, and all she wants is a few dates and see where the fuck it goes.

She didn’t say “where the fuck where it goes” but I just have to emphasize this here because this is full of shiiiiit! Dude, like she brought up that she wants to have kids and now she’s like “Nah I don’t want to have kids. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to settle down.” Well, she doesn’t want to settle down with you. She doesn’t want to have kids. She just wants to use you because she is an ice queen and nobody likes an ice queen. So she doesn’t have many choices. So she dumps you every now and then, mistreats you, you know, walks all over you, then dumps you again.

But she knows she can’t find someone better because this woman seems quite awful. That’s how it is! And yeah dude, she is definitely, definitely, definitely, manipulating you. You are submissive and who wants to date a submissive man? Nobody. Women want to be with men that they cannot manipulate because “if she can’t play, she will stay.

So he then says: “When when things were at their best I’d see her once or twice a week. When they got a little bit bad, it was at least once a week. Since we have started up again it’s once a month. Maybe twice, if I’m lucky. I don’t know what I should do. No matter what I do it seems like I can never please her. Can you please advise me what I can do to get her to be less cold?

Well, okay, I’m gonna be real with you. This woman is probably not relationship material. Look, maybe she’s just incredibly unhealed and she just does not know how to have a healthy relationship. That does not necessarily mean that she can’t learn that but she has long, long ways to go. So what I would suggest, most likely, maybe this woman is a good fuck buddy, friends with benefits, that’s it. You know, you’re having good sex. She wants you to bang her, you know, if you detach yourself from that situation, I would say dude go for it.

I’m just gonna be honest with you. If I could have sex with my ex right now, yeah I might fuck her, just for the hell of it for some good sex. But if I don’t see any behavior change in her I’d be like “Nah! That’s all you’re gonna get! And that’s all I’m gonna want from you!” Because why would you want anything more from someone who mistreats you so much and then aside from that, well why would you want to have that in the first place if you can find someone much, much better who doesn’t mistreat you, you have great sex, they are happy to see you, they are happy to settle down with you, eventually have kids or give you all the things that you both want and you’re just so more so much more satisfied. And so what should you be doing for her to not ever be so cold with you…

Well, your problem is that you’re always trying to please her. You are a gigantic people pleaser and you are completely unaware of the… I can’t… I didn’t even keep count of it but there were at least like five, probably up to ten red flags in this relatively short message of yours. So you are probably dating women just for the sake of dating women. Do you think you don’t have better choices? Why would you date a woman like this? She’s quite awful. She has not treated you quite so well for the entire relationship. It sounds even when the relationship already started she has been the ice queen. So why would you want to be in a relationship that feels cold, and uncomfortable, and always stressful, and you can’t be yourself, you can’t be with your friends, you have to lie to her to please her.

Why would you want to be with someone that you have to please all the time, where it feels like work. No, of course, you want to be with a woman where it feels light, and fun, and kind, and it’s just a blessing to be around her, and just having a good time, and joking and teasing each other, and going on trips, and throwing little jabs, hearing their jokes, and just seeing her smile, you smiling with her and having unforgettable moments. Unforgettable positive moments. You have a lot of unforgettable negative moments. That’s not what you should go for. Not a female tyrant. A despot. Why would you want to date something like this? You should see yourself as a king, not as a tyrant.

You know, there are men like her as well, who are tyrants and who manipulate and mistreat and always cause drama and all of this shit. You don’t want to be that man because you can clearly tell how that is not making you happy. So you as a man don’t want to be a tyrant, you want to be a king. And you want to be with a queen. And a queen would be healthy. A queen would nourish. A queen would give you life force. A queen would give you love. A queen would give you happiness. This woman is just giving you despair without any bottom. There’s just… you’re just falling deeper, and deeper into this hole with this woman and it’s going nowhere. So I would suggest don’t do anything.

First of all, stop pleasing her, stop pleasing any woman, and stop dating this woman, to be honest. Because you have never been in a happy relationship with this woman. So what’s the point? Man, trust me. Here’s what I want you to do, okay? Since you didn’t get paid coaching with me… it’s fine if you can’t afford it. This is why I make these YouTube videos and maybe I will find someone else with these videos who wants to get paid coaching. But since you didn’t pay for coaching, you saved yourself a lot of money. So if you can afford it or as soon as you can afford it, I want you to sign up either for Tinder Premium or for the paid version of Bumble. You can get like a lifetime version of Bumble. It’s quite cheap, actually.

And then what you’re gonna do is you’re gonna swipe only the hottest, hottest women that you can find. Only the top models. The women that are influencers. The women that, you know, have Instagram accounts of 10, 20, 30000 followers, who are just so fucking gorgeous. And you’re only going to go for these queens because most people who are respected, are respected for a reason. Now, of course, there’s always an exception to the rule. There are hot women who are complete garbage but I want you to only swipe, super swipe on these women that just seem incredibly amazing, because right now your standard, your bar for what you think you deserve is incredibly low. It’s way lower than with most men, actually. It’s just on the bottom.

You know, if we could say it on a scale of one to ten what you think you deserve, I mean maybe we could say it’s a one but maybe it’s a minus five. You should think that you deserve a seven, an eight, a nine, a ten. Obviously, a ten is hard to get. It requires a lot of work on your part to be an incredible king. So not everyone can achieve that and not everyone needs to achieve that. But we all should have a certain level of standard and quality that we expect from our woman and if you don’t expect that, you will not receive it. So buy one of these premium services on a dating app and just do super likes on all of these women that just blow you away. And that would be my advice. You need some perspective that there are women out there who are much, much better. And this woman is just awful. You can do so much better, trust me!

And with that I’m wrapping up and if this was helpful, of course, let me know what you think in the comments. Do you agree with this take or do you not agree with this take? If you liked this video, of course, give me a thumbs up and subscribe to my YouTube channel. And here are some ways how I can help you. So, especially for you, this one is very helpful. My book “Unleash The King Within” So I told you actually more than once, I think, in this video that your story and mine is kind of similar. My woman who motivated me to become a relationship coach, my narcissistic ex-girlfriend, she did a lot of these things and I did the same behavior patterns, that I justified and encouraged all these misbehaviors by hers and this is why this book will help you.

Because it incorporates a lot of that experience of going from really co-dependent people-pleaser, woman-pleaser, and dating an ice queen, to dating queens, okay? Real queens! Not an ice tyrant. Despot. Not an ice despot. A nice queen and a queen because you’re a king. Every man is a king. You just need to learn to see it. And with this book, I talk a lot about how you can change your mindset and how you can respect yourself and one of the great quotes that I love in this book is “be dominant, not a doormat.”

Now, you are a doormat and I want to teach you to become dominant. So my book can help you. Get it from Amazon. You can also enroll in my “Confidence King” training program or my “Financial Freedom King” training program. And of course, you can always book a coaching session with me. And with that, I will see all of you kings in the next video.

Brauchst Du mehr Hilfe?

Wenn dies hilfreich war, buche eine Coaching-Sitzung mit mir. Coaching-Sitzungen sind in Englisch & Deutsch verfügbar.

Wenn Du Dir Coaching-Sitzungen nicht leisten kannst, sende mir eine E-Mail (max. 900 Zeichen lang, englische Sprache) und wenn ich die Zeit finde, mache ich ein kostenloses Video über Deine Situation. Ich kann ein Video nicht garantieren, da ich viele E-Mails erhalte.

Wenn Du Dir Coaching-Sitzungen nicht leisten kannst, mein Buch Unleash The King Within oder mein Trainingsprogramm Selbstvertrauen-König sind großartige Selbsthilfe-Tools, mit denen Du Dein Privatleben und Deine Dating-Erfahrungen verbessern kannst.

Hallo, ich bin Andy Graziosi. Ich helfe Männern ihr Selbstvertrauen zu entfalten und ihr volles Potenzial auszuschöpfen. Meine wissenschaftlich fundierte Philosophie lautet: „Der König ist bereits ein Gewinner.“ — Erstaunliche Frauen fühlen sich bereits zu dir hingezogen. Alles, was ein König tun muss, ist diese Anziehungskraft zu seinem Vorteil zu nutzen.

Du kannst mit Deiner Traumfrau ausgehen. Ich helfe Dir ein starkes männliches Gerüst zu entwickeln und aufrechtzuerhalten. Dies hilft Dir Deine Dating-Unsicherheiten zu überwinden & eine Macht zu werden, auf die man zählen kann.

Wenn Du Hilfe benötigst, kannst Du Dich gerne an mich wenden.

Abonniere Meine Relevantesten Blog-Artikel

Unleash The King Within Dating-Buch

In Unleash The King Within lernst Du die Denkweisen, Prinzipien und mentalen Modelle kennen, um nicht nur Selbstvertrauen mit Frauen zu gewinnen und zu meistern, sondern es auch tiefst zu deinem Vorteil zu nutzen und Dein Leben mit Deiner Traumfrau zu gestalten.

Der Schlüssel hier ist der Mentalitätswandel, den dieses Buch ermöglichen wird. Es ist eine neue Perspektive, die klarstellt und Dir hilft, den König in Dir zu sehen, der immer von Frauen umgeben ist, die mit Dir zusammen sein wollen.

Sobald Du diese neue Denkweise hast, fängst Du buchstäblich an, atemberaubende Frauen überall anzuziehen, ohne einen Finger rühren zu müssen.

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