Turn friends with benefits into more? Why casual to serious relationship fails

Nov 27, 2021 | Dating & Attraction, Friendzone

Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.

What is up, kings? In this video, we’re gonna talk about friends with benefits. Typically, friends with benefits will not go the way that you wanted to. So a lot of people think that maybe they can turn a friends with benefits situation into a relationship but according to studies, most of the time that just doesn’t work out. So I have a message from a guy who did exactly that. He dated a girl and he really fell for her. They were friends with benefits and it didn’t work out. She doesn’t want to be with him. So let me see what is my advice for him.

So he (25) says: “Hey man, I hope you see this comment. So I’m in kind of a predicament and need your advice. So I started talking to this girl who is 24 from high school and after she texted me around mid-September of this year, eventually we started hanging out and I realized that I really like this girl. She is to date, the most attractive girl that’s been interested in me so far and I fell pretty hard. Anyway, I will save you all the details but basically, through the month of October, we hung out constantly and hooked up often. At this point, I’m thinking this is a straight shot to making her my girlfriend and okay, this is where then the story gets tricky: One day, she tells me that her family friend is looking to hire people for a minimum wage position on one of my favorite television shows. I won’t say which one or what position because you know, the internet, but it’s a super popular show and a great opportunity since I work as a PA in the industry.

I guess PA means Personal Assistant. “Needless to say, I jumped on the opportunity thinking this would be a story for our grandkids. Okay, fast forward, about two weeks into this new job of her and she tells me one night while smoking that we were friends with benefits. This crushed me.

So you can see he didn’t expect that they’re friends with benefits. It was kind of a casual thing. So the problem is you can’t really do anything in this situation because you can’t really say hey, we didn’t agree on anything else. Obviously, either you agree from the start you’re friends with benefits then you know what you’re getting into, but in this situation, he thought it’s just normal casual dating until it becomes more serious, and then let’s get into a relationship. This is what he hoped but now he’s crushed because it’s friends with benefits. So let’s see where it goes next.

He says: “I told her that I had feelings for her and I thought she had feelings for me and she told me that she needed to focus on law school. I told her that I was willing to try friends with benefits because I didn’t want things to change between us. A part of me wanted to stop talking to her altogether because I know these things don’t usually end in a good way but I really liked her and let’s be honest I also didn’t want to give up getting laid if it was still on the table.

So this is where you went wrong you should have not agreed to being friends with benefits if you didn’t want it. Obviously, you’re putting yourself in a really bad position and ultimately any king will always go for the things that he wants and if he doesn’t get it, then he’s out of that situation. I get it. You want to get laid. I get it. You care about this girl but the problem is well, you’re just gonna get a lot of pain if you stay with this woman. Obviously, you can get laid with another woman. You can have a woman who will go head over heels for you and will go crazy for you and will want to be with you. Obviously, probably, you’re thinking that this relationship feels kind of irreplaceable because she’s really great. At this point, you’ve really fallen for her but at the end of the day, any person is theoretically replaceable. That doesn’t sound romantic but humans can adapt and we can find someone else to fall in love with.

So he then says: “I told her however that if she ever hooked up with anyone else to tell me that and that we would end our friends with benefits agreement. A few weeks go by and now it’s November. We spend almost every day of the week together because we carpool to work together and also blaze on our lunch break. Okay, so one day she tells me that her group of friends is going out to dinner in LA and asks if I can drop her off. I say of course. The next day I drive to her house to pick her up before work and she tells me that she’ll call an uber from Jacob’s house. This pissed me off because I went out of my way to get her and then she shows up to work wearing a guy’s hoodie and socks.

So something’s going on. She seems to be dating someone or at least she knows someone.

So he says: “She comes up to me and casually says ‘Me and Jacob are dating now.’…

He wasn’t ready to make it public before but now he is. So that means she’s been dating this guy already. He wasn’t ready to make it public but she’s been dating this guy for a while even though it wasn’t public. So that means she didn’t respect your wishes. She didn’t honor your wishes of “Well, okay. I’m fine with friends with benefits but if we end up dating someone else then we should probably break it off.

So let me backtrack a little bit before we go further into this. So you thought okay friends of benefits is fine but if we date someone then we should probably stop doing benefits. So what did you expect? Did you expect that she would not fall for someone eventually, or date someone? It’s kind of unlikely. So you should have probably known that this was not going anywhere. The problem with friends with benefits and I didn’t mention this earlier, is that it’s very unlikely that you don’t fall for a woman, and it’s actually much more likely that men will fall for the woman, than the other way around, because what happens during sex is when you have orgasms, oxytocin gets released. And oxytocin is a hormone that contributes to our bonding. And who orgasms more during sex? You guessed it! It’s men.

Because unfortunately, we men, don’t know how to please women so well. For example, we are not aware of how important the clitoris is to women for orgasm. It’s because of that, that are women are known to orgasm much less than men. So that means because they don’t orgasm so often, that means they don’t release oxytocin so often, which means that their bonding hormones don’t get released as often as men. For men, we come all the time. If you don’t come at least once during sex, there’s probably something wrong. Most of us can come very easily, unless we hold it in.

Some men could even have sex where they come twice. So you know, that means that you as a man always release oxytocin which means it’s very likely that you are going to fall for a woman, whereas the reverse scenario with a woman, if you are already casual and she has expectations that it’s not supposed to be a relationship, it’s not so likely that she’s going to fall for you. It is still possible, but it is just less probable due to the fact that there’s fewer orgasms involved with women. So anyway, going back to his situation.

He then says: “I also should have mentioned that this Jacob guy is a famous actor. This was also someone who she talked about a lot but always led me to believe they were just friends. So now my chest has clamped up and I don’t know what to say. I just felt so fucking stupid and humiliated. Long story short, I proceeded to avoid her. She eventually confronted me and I told her that what she really said really fucking hurt. She told me she couldn’t really understand why I was upset since we were friends with benefits.

No, she knows exactly why you’re upset. You told her “Hey, if we are friends with benefits and you start dating someone else then you have to tell me and we stop dating.” She clearly didn’t do that because she kind of likes it. She likes the benefits of your friendship, of your friends with benefits, whatever benefits she gets, like for example, she gets some free rides every now and then. So she didn’t respect your wishes and she was using you and let’s be real, she was talking about this guy very often, this famous actor Jacob. So you should have known that there’s something going on because you don’t just talk about someone very often unless you have a lot of interest in that person and typically that’s attraction.

Obviously, you know, if you’re with your best friends and you talk about a girl all the time, your friends probably will be like “Oh my god, dude! Shut the fuck up. If you’re gonna talk about this girl one more time I’m gonna go crazy. Just fucking bang her already, or just start being in a relationship. It’s fine but stop telling me about this girl.” So you should have known. That’s kind of on you, obviously, but can’t be helped. You probably told yourself it’s not the truth because you wanted to believe that you can still make it work. So it’s kind of understandable.

So he then says: “I have come to the conclusion that she wasn’t trying to hurt me and I now see that she just actually didn’t have feelings for me like that.

Well, I don’t think that she was trying to hurt you like super on purpose, but she also was kind of lying to herself. She knew that she was hurting you because obviously, she listened to what you had to say about her. She knows that you have feelings for her but she was telling herself that “Nah it’s not that bad. He’s gonna forgive me and as long as I don’t tell him it’s gonna be fine.” But obviously, eventually, you were bound to find out. So she was hoping that she can delay this situation as much as possible because it was uncomfortable for her. So she kind of knew what she was doing and she kind of knew that eventually you’re gonna get hurt but obviously she cares more about herself and about the guy than she cares about you. So that should be a bit of a wake-up call that this woman is probably not the right woman for you because she just doesn’t care enough about you.

So he then says: “I really gave it my all and she saw me the entire time as a hookup. Now we are at the present day and it hurts so much to see her. She wants to be friends and I just try to engage her in conversation whenever we are next to each other but it’s so awkward. She also is always texting and I just can’t seem to stop myself from being jealous. Okay, so now my question is should I stay at this job and try to be friends with this girl, even though I am concerned that it is affecting my mental health, or do I need to leave this job and her completely to feel at peace again? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

So you should definitely stop being friends with her. Obviously, you already made a mistake to stay friends with benefits when it clearly wasn’t working out and she told you “Nah let’s just stay friends with benefits. I don’t want a relationship.” That’s where you should have drawn the line already. Now she’s even dating someone else which is clearly not respecting your wishes and it really hurts. So if you just stay friends with her, it’s just gonna hurt more, and more, and more. What I would suggest at the very minimum: Stop talking to this girl. Tell her very clearly “Hey I told you I have feelings for you. I know you don’t want to be with me. I know you’re in love with this guy, that’s fine. But I can’t be friends with you and I don’t want us to talk anymore.

And then you just have to avoid her at work. Now, of course, the other question is should you even stay at work there? And this is kind of a complicated answer, a complicated question. That really depends on you. So obviously, if it really is super hard on your mental health, then you probably should get out of this situation but never forget this channel is all about unleashing the king within, and what a lot of people underestimate is their capacity for adapting to difficult situations. So there’s actually this thing called hedonic adaption, or the hedonic treadmill, which suggests that we always have a certain base level of happiness that we return to. So if you have something good happening in your life, you have like some ups, but eventually, you go back to your base level of happiness. If something bad happens to you, eventually you come back to your base level of happiness again. So no matter what bad or good things happen to you in life you kind of return to the base level of happiness that you have on average as a person.

And typically, that base level has been studied to always be a bit more positive than negative. It’s not neutral. It’s not negative. It’s kind of a bit more positive. Maybe not super happy, but more happy than dissatisfied and so now obviously, something really bad happened to you. So you think “Can I ever cope with this? Can I ever deal with seeing this girl at work? And I can’t get over my heartbreak.” But the truth is, probably over time, you will be able to get over this heartbreak. Now, obviously, it really doesn’t feel like you can get over this heartbreak right now and maybe you should give it a little bit of time. You should tell her “Hey, let’s not be friends,” and you should first wait and see what’s going to happen. But obviously, you also have to consider your future. Now, you told me that your job is a minimum wage job and I think you’re living in LA and so LA is not exactly a cheap city. Isn’t it like the most expensive city in the US, or one of the most expensive cities? You’re 25 right now and what are you going to do with your life in 10 years from now?

I know right now you want to work in the movie industry. Right now you want to be a PA for all of these stars, or whatever, or for these production companies. And I know that probably right now you couldn’t imagine that you will be doing something else in the future but the reality is most people change their careers over time. So 10 years from now you might be doing something completely different.

So me, for example… Did you think I woke up and thought I’m going to be a relationship coach? No, definitely not. That happened over time. I started working in design and in technology jobs, kind of the same thing like high prestige jobs in silicon valley, and all that stuff, and I never thought that I would be doing something else. And now I’m doing relationship coaching. Like what the hell is that?! Going from technology to relationship coaching. So what about you? This job is minimum wage. Maybe you will not even work in this industry in 10 years from now. So there might be some merit of just switching either a career, or just to another company. Is this the best opportunity that you will ever get in your life? Probably not because as you grow older you become more assertive and you are more willing to ask for what you deserve in life. So you could certainly switch your company and work somewhere else but I would only do that if your mental health just doesn’t improve. So I would just wait and see a little bit. I would definitely stop talking to this girl and if it doesn’t get better for you, then I would consider switching to another company because ultimately like I said, it’s about unleashing the king within.

And if this job is really the right one for you and if it will open important doors for you then well screw this girl. This girl didn’t respect your wishes. She doesn’t care about you, man. I know you probably want to tell yourself that she does care about you and that she’s not trying to hurt your feelings and deep down she has some feelings for you, otherwise she would have just hurt you much more directly, but let’s be real. Even though she didn’t try to hurt you directly and she just did it kind of indirectly and was kind of waiting for the moment when she breaks your heart, she still broke your heart. She still didn’t care enough about you. So you deserve much, much better and there is a woman out there who even if she would be casually dating and it is friends with benefits, that woman will fall for you and she will be the one who would be in the reverse situation, that she will want to be with you and you might not be sure about it.

This is the kind of woman that you want to be with! You want to be with the woman who really wants to be with you and ultimately, those who repeat succeed. I know you feel like holding on to this woman. Like I mentioned earlier, oxytocin, the hormone that makes us bond, you definitely bonded to this woman! So you think this woman is very special but the same thing can happen to you with another woman. You need to start dating again. Stay at this company, don’t talk with her anymore, don’t be friends. Tell her very clearly your boundaries of what you accept. Tell her also how she hurt you. She needs to know this. She knows it but she also needs to be told these consequences, because women need to be held accountable for their actions. And she needs to know that she fucked up. She needs to receive a little bit of a dose of her own shitty behavior and you know what? Maybe she’s going to get what’s coming to her. Maybe she’s going to get a little bit of karma and that guy will dump her and maybe she will be back and if she comes back, I probably wouldn’t try to make it work again with her, to be honest.

So start dating again. Stay at the company. Try to wait and see if it gets better. Like I said, the concept of the hedonic adoption: Over time you will probably feel better even in her presence, especially if you start dating other women. So I hope that was helpful for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Obviously, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.

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