Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
What’s up kings, it’s Coach Andy Graziosi and in this video we’re going to talk about one of the biggest issues in dating: Ghosting. For sure it probably has happened to you before. Maybe you’ve done it yourself… And then you’re wondering “What the hell is going on? Why am I being ghosted? Why did this person ghost me? Everything seemed to be fine!“
And typically what happens when people think of ghosting and when they’re being ghosted, they usually wonder “What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Where’s the issue with me?” But the reality is, most of the time ghosting has nothing to do with you and has a lot to do with the other person, because they simply just lack interest. Why they lose interest? Why they don’t have enough interest to pursue a relationship, or staying in touch with you? It could be you. Could also be them. But the bottom line is they’re not interested. And a lot of people, endlessly reflect on themselves and try to figure out what’s wrong with them. Sometimes you screwed up. Sometimes you didn’t screw up.
But the bottom line is: You can’t really change the fact that the person is no longer interested in you. So I have a message from a guy, he has been ghosted by a girl and let’s look at the situation and see what’s going on.
He says: “Hey Coach, this is my last resort to figure out what the hell is going on with this person I have been interested in. I hope you can figure out what’s happening. I generally don’t know what to do. I met this girl of a dating app a couple of weeks ago. We had an amazing connection and a great first date. Everything was so natural. She pulled all the first moves and ended the night with some kisses before she left.“
So, nice! Actually that’s not so common that a woman pushes for these kind of things. Typically it should be the man who does these things. So if you have a first date, you should be the person who initiates the first kiss. You should be the person who leads the woman to the bedroom, or wherever you want to lead her. And make things happening. But this woman seemed to have been really into you, so she made things happen herself. That’s pretty nice!
He says: “We texted a lot after our date and even talked on the phone that night.”
So well, first of all, that is a missed opportunity. I would have… if she’s that into you and she even texts still that same night, if you’re still talking and if she actually wants that… I would have probably just seduced her right on the spot that night because she was just so into you. So maybe you didn’t facilitate for something to happen properly maybe she wanted more because if she’s texting you right after you met in the middle of the night then she must be really into you because a lot of women, they would just be… they might think it’s weird. They might need some space. They don’t want someone who’s constantly needy and texting them non-stop, especially after you just had a date, essentially. So a bit of a missed opportunity there.
He then says: “Soon after we made plans for a second date, the day of the second date, is when things became odd. She texted me in the morning, super novel and then Bam!… On read. No texts, calls throughout the day. But she kept viewing my story on IG. She kept leaving me on read for about two days after.“
So it sounds like that date didn’t happen. So you’ve been flaked on and yeah, you can see she’s essentially already ghosting him. Come on! We all know that she has seen the messages. She’s just choosing to not reply to them. And she essentially flaked on you. She didn’t show up to the date it seems.
So he then says: “Until finally, I posted a story on IG. So she surprisingly gave me a mature wholehearted apology. She even called me to talk about it and when we talked she said that she was scared because she’s not looking to get into anything serious right off the bat, which, of course, me too. We literally were on the same page. The conversation eventually led us to say let’s take it day by day because she said she’s interested in where it goes with her and I. Apparently, with me, she didn’t expect to like me so much and be romantically interested in me.“
So, sure, maybe. But that’s that’s where I’m coming from when I say that people are just not interested enough. So she’s bringing up some in quotes “excuses.” She is maybe a bit afraid of falling for you about being romantically interested in you. Maybe she has attachment issues. Maybe she had a bad relationship in the past. Who knows. But bottom line is she’s not making the effort. So she’s giving in to whatever problems she might potentially have.
But it could also just be a shittest, essentially. You don’t know, but at the end of the day, she’s not making the effort. But kudos to her. I have to say, she apologized. Very few people actually manage to apologize after something like ghosting or just screwing up in general, especially with dating. It’s not an easy thing to do and that takes courage. So there is still a little bit of a level of attraction. She knows that she screwed up. But let’s see where it goes after this.
He then says: “So we planned for another hangout. We hung out at the beginning of this week and it was great. We didn’t kiss, but we cuddled and held hands. Super casual stuff.”
And here’s again the problem: He says: “When she left things were good.”
But if they were really good you would have seduced her. You would probably wake up next to her the next morning. So again, she left. And you cuddled and missed an opportunity once again. I’m not saying that every woman is going to want that. Some women are really conservative. I once dated a woman that was incredibly conservative and it was really hard to seduce her. And I had to be a bit more patient compared to other women that I dated in the past because she was a virgin. So you know, some women just aren’t ready for certain types of commitments yet, but most women, they want to be led to the bedroom. They want you to facilitate. To make things happen. And often they can’t wait for you to undress them.
There’s anticipation that most women have of a man. And they just wait for the men to make things happen. So here you again didn’t make things happen. I don’t know this girl exactly. Every person is different. But on average, the average woman would want you to make a move and you didn’t make a move once again. So that’s an issue. So you say that when she left, things were good. Yes, they were good. But not great.
So then he says: “We texted all day and talked on the phone at night. We then planned for another hangout. The day before she was supposed to come by I asked if she was still free to hang. She said she was getting cold feet again.”
So there are some issues here. First of all you’re texting a lot and when you’re meeting up, nothing’s happening. So if she is the more confident type of woman, which I will assume, first and foremost on average, who wants things to happen between you and her, I would start to maybe get a little bit bored or frustrated because she comes over, nothing happens and then you’re basically doing pen pal stuff here.
She might be wondering where are things going and if we continue here with his story he says: “Well she said she was getting cold feet again. We then talked on the phone about what was going on. She hits me with a complete 180, saying I don’t know if she should go this route. I’m not ready for a relationship. It just confused me because I thought we were just being casual like we established. I never mentioned being in a relationship with her. I told her that in the far future a relationship is something I wanted, in general though.”
So yeah, I would have said exactly something like that. “What do you mean, relationship? We’re just hanging out. And having fun. This is not a relationship. I’m just getting to know you and I wouldn’t take it so serious.” She’s kind of testing you. “What is this?” Maybe. If she really doesn’t want the relationship label but she feels like it’s getting in that direction, maybe because you’re giving her those signals, because you’re messaging a lot and you haven’t even had sex yet, perhaps she feels like you’re suffocating her in some sense.
So he then says: “Now she’s leaving me on read again, which is so confusing because I feel like I’m being played. I respect how she feels about the relationship thing, but don’t get how she can go from being intimate right off the bat to getting cold feet and doing semi-intimate stuff again and then ghosting again.”
Well, it’s kind of on and off. What is she supposed to think? I’m honestly thinking that most likely the cold feet thing is just an excuse. She’s probably just testing you because she can most likely tell that you’re not that confident because you haven’t seduced her yet, even though you clearly had two opportunities already. So she’s probably trying to figure out are you the right choice for her? Because there are other men who might already be making their move.
You never know. She might date other men at the same time and maybe they already seduced her. Could be. I’m not saying that’s the case, but it’s a likelihood and if that’s the case, if that’s going on right now or if there is a guy who’s getting close there… Maybe one more date. Then he’s gonna seduce her. Then she has two options and which option would she choose? Obviously the person where she would be more intimate.
Then he says: “How she talks and acts are so different in text versus in person. I really do think she’s a great person, disregarding how things are going down right now. I want to respect her as much as I can. I just hate expressing my side of stuff for her to disregard it and leave me on read. She tells me she has a lot of anxiety about this stuff.”
So well, honestly, if a woman would leave me on read multiple times, if she does once, or if she just completely ghost me I would just ignore it and move on with life. And there are other women in my life that I can date. You know, open Tinder and you can very quickly have another date set up. That’s the thing. The king is already winner. You always have to see yourself as a king and to realize that you actually have a lot of options because a lot of men don’t think that they have a lot of options.
But if you really take dating seriously and take yourself seriously and understand that you are really an amazing dude, then you realize you have a lot of options, just like women have tons of options. And in that case, you don’t care if one woman, who you know is flaky, or wants to try and control you and does a lot of shittests.
Because there’s always some women who do too much shittests and if that would happen to me, I would be like “Nah, I’m out of here” and maybe I would also call out the woman potentially. If she does this over and over, like she does in this case and you’re tolerating, at some point you have to say “Hey look, I understand you don’t wanna be in a relationship with me and I would love to hang out, just casually get to know you but you’re constantly just leaving me on read and that’s not cool. And maybe we should not be dating. Maybe we should be seeing other people because it seems like you’re not interested enough.”
That’s obviously something a bit extreme. I would only do this in a scenario like this where she’s just repeatedly doing this and sometimes you just have to call out a woman for her shit and tell her “Hey, you know, either you stop this or I’m out of here.“
And so “she tells me she has a lot of anxiety about the stuff, plus her job keeps her busy. I for some reason want this girl to be in my life, somehow. Crazy enough. Our connection is quite intense. Can you tell me what’s truly going on?“
So that’s what I meant with “So she’s giving reasons that are technically valid.” So her reasons that she has a lot of anxiety about the stuff and her job keeps her busy. Now, here’s the thing. These things could be true. So if she has a lot of anxiety about the stuff, maybe she has attachment issues, or maybe her last relationship was awful. Maybe she dated some really clingy guys, some guys who stalked her, were super creepy, or rude and couldn’t deal with rejection.
There are a lot of things that women have to deal with. You never really know. So she might have valid reasons here with her anxiety, where the anxiety is coming from and maybe her job keeps her busy as well. But well, we all have jobs and the reality is we also all have anxieties. Look, we all have our issues. We all have insecurities or anxieties about relationships, and so on. For example, me, I have an insecure attachment style that’s called anxious. I am an anxiously, an insecure person with an anxious attachment style, meaning that I typically need more validation from people than for example secure people would need. So there are different ways how people relate to other people in their attachments or relationships.
And so I grew up in a very insecure environment with my parents and so I have an insecure attachment style. Anxious. Other people have an insecure attachment style that’s avoidant, where they push away people. Other people are fairly secure in general and they actually don’t have much security issues. We all have certain insecurities and to a certain extent we can overcome them. We can work through them. But at the end of the day we’re all human beings. We all have bad times in life when things don’t go our way and especially when things don’t go our way, that’s typically when we feel the most insecure.
But the bottom line is even if you have insecurities or issues in life or things that are not going your way, like a job, or anxiety, bad relationships in the past, it’s up to us to make an effort. And if she really cares about you, she’s going to overcome those anxieties. She’s going to overcome her issues with her job and ultimately, if someone really cares about you, they want to make things work and they realize that losing that person that I care about is worse than focusing and overcoming my anxieties.
Because at the end of the day her anxiety issues with her relationship that she might really have, if they’re not an excuse, she just has to work through them and she can actually work through them with you. But if she is going back and forth all the time, ultimately she is not making an effort. So does it matter if someone ghosts you because they just have poor character, and they’re just using you for what they typically call supply in narcissism, or where someone just needs validation?
Affirmation, where it feels good that someone likes us, that someone wants us, and so as soon, as we get that validation, we’re hot and cold again, and we disappear. Some people just do this behavior pattern all the time or at least very often, right, and any sane person would know that’s not cool. Maybe she just has character flaws in general. Maybe she has these insecurities, sure, but she’s not making the effort. So why do people ghost? It’s because they don’t have enough interest. Imagine that… let’s let’s assume that all of these insecurities that she has are actually true. Everything that she’s saying is true. Let’s just assume that for a moment. Doesn’t matter. Let’s say in a year from now she meets another guy and for some reason with this guy, she doesn’t do it. And there must be some reason why she would rather not ghost him and not leave him on read, and make things happen, rather than ghosting all the time.
Probably because maybe he seems more secure, more stable, maybe she has more in common with him, doesn’t really matter. Maybe both of their attachment styles work better, maybe their goals. What they want to achieve in life are more aligned. Maybe, typically since she has anxieties, maybe she doesn’t feel confident to date confident men. Who knows? The bottom line is eventually she’s gonna run into some man who she will make things work with. Whe will be like “wow okay this guy is amazing. If I lose this guy right now, I really screwed up.“
And so it seems like right now she doesn’t feel like you are that guy. I’m not saying that you can’t be that guy for her. Not saying that she can’t change her mind and realize “wow you’re super interesting, and if I don’t make a move right now, if I keep on repeating this behavior, he’s gonna find someone else.“
You can get there but right now you’re not there. So what I would suggest what you should do is take a step back. I would either call her out if she repeats this one more time or I will probably not call her out on it at all, so just keep your distance. No answer is also an answer. So if she leaves you on read and she goes back and forth, the next time when this happens, I would just say “yeah, it’s okay. It seems like you’re not too invested. You’re not too interested. You’re not really making an effort,” and you can tell her straightforward you’re “seeing other people, or you want to start seeing other people. It seems like this is not going anywhere” and that’s it.
And then she can make up her mind and you give her some time and some space and then she has to think about this “hey okay well it seems like he’s moving on, so what do I do?” and then she has to decide: Are these insecurities that she’s saying she’s having, is she gonna look and say “wow okay I can’t move further because I’m so paralyzed by my insecurities” or she says “oops okay, I need to step my game. It’s time to do some adulting and get over my anxiety and just date this guy, and come over to his place, and when he makes things happen, I will just let go and let him do his thing. And I will let him seduce me. And I won’t pretend like these things can’t work out because I have fears of relationships.”
Maybe she needs to ease up a little bit and you need to help her to ease up. What I suggest is if you can make it work again with her, you invite her over again, and don’t talk about relationship stuff, obviously, because she brings this stuff up all the time. But then when you have her there, maybe have a glass of wine, cook some dinner, something where you can bond together have a good time.
Some alcohol always helps to loosen her up a little bit. Make her feel more comfortable around you. If you’re not that great at seducing women, alcohol always helps, obviously. Do it in moderation. You don’t want to to be too drunk. You just want to ease her a little bit into being around you and then try to seduce her. Don’t just hug, or cuddle, and kiss her and then you send her away at the end of the night. No! Tell her “okay now you stay here” and you just kiss her and take off her clothes and seduce her slowly and she will tell you if she doesn’t want that.
If you’re terrified of doing that, if a woman doesn’t want to be seduced, she will let you know. And then, all you have to do is, take a break. Either you maybe can try a later point at the same night or you just try it at another date in the future when she’s opened up further.
So this is my advice. Let me know what you think. If this was helpful then give me a thumbs up, of course, and subscribe on my channel. You can also follow my social profiles. And if this was helpful, and you need some more help, you can always get my book here: “Unleash The King Within“
I talk about a lot about growth in general for men in this book and how to feel like a king and really respect yourself, and know how to confidently go for women, and how to overcome issues like this.
You can also enroll for my Confidence King program, or you can of course also get a private coaching session with me. I’ll see all of you kings in the next video.