What is up, kings? It’s Andy Graziosi, helping you unleash your confidence. Grab your favorite beverage, today it really is about confidence in the context of getting an ex back. So today we’re going to talk about what to say to an ex or what not to say.
And I think there’s a big issue that a lot of people make when they break up with an ex. They become very anxious and they don’t know what to say and then the problem is that a lot of you, you make the mistake that you change who you are. You think about the right thing to say and you think about “I gotta be an alpha. I gotta convince her to get back together” and yes, these things are true but you have to be an alpha by being yourself.
And so I think a lot of guys who had breakups with their girlfriend, they find some advice online and they find some manipulation techniques, and do and say these five things and you’re gonna get her back! Blah blah blah. All of these hacks which are just completely full of shit in my opinion. I don’t believe in hacks. I believe in mindset.
And so then you try to apply these things and typically they will backfire. So I have a situation from a guy, who actually read my book where I talk a lot about mindset. But I think he is misinterpreting a little bit of my advice in my book.
So I want to give him my thoughts. My book is not about breakups. Not about getting an ex back. It’s mostly about relationships and attraction but the same principles also apply to getting an ex back.
So let’s get into the situation. He says:
“Hi coach, I need your help with my ex-girlfriend. Everything seemed to be going smoothly with her after no contact but now she flaked on me and left me hanging. My ex and I broke up almost six months ago. There’s been a lot of fighting and my ex seemed like she’s over our relationship. For three months I thought there was no hope of getting her back but I kept up no contact anyway until she messaged me nearly two months ago.”
So he’s a good example of the fact that you shouldn’t overthink this.
Of course, when you have a breakup, it becomes very tempting to think about your ex non-stop. What is she doing? What is she thinking about? Is she thinking about you? Is it over? Is it hopeless? And honestly, the reality is: In a way, after your breakup, so after the first few weeks, it mostly is hopeless.
In that moment, in those times, there is no hope of getting back together. But that is temporary. Emotions can change and women’s emotions change all the time. And so she is going to forget eventually all the bad stuff and think about you in a different perspective.
If you do everything right, if you play your cards right, if you don’t pursue too much, if you keep up no contact, if you focus on yourself, build up your confidence again…
Eventually, she’s gonna reach out again most likely. And then all you have to do is convince her that you’re the right one for her. But the way that you have to convince her is by being a real alpha. Not a fake alpha. And we’re going to talk about this in this video. What is a fake alpha?
So he says:
“She asked me if I could help her get in touch with a friend of mine who’s a photographer because she needed help with a project she has been working on with some of her friends. So I helped her out.“
Of course, that’s a total bullshit excuse. If she needed help with something like a photographer, well she would just google it. Or she probably has other friends who know some photographers. Women actually often know a lot of photographers because they get their pictures often taken for free.
If you’re a photographer, you might take pictures with beautiful women either because you want to improve your skill, or also just because it’s a good way to meet women. So women get a lot of free photo shootings all the time and she probably knows some photographers. She doesn’t need to message you for that. So clearly, it was an excuse. This happens all the time.
So it’s important to recognize it’s a bullshit excuse and that’s a good sign because it shows you that she cares about you.
So he then says:
“That got us talking again a little bit, although not a lot. I didn’t really know what to say to her or how to keep the conversation going. So I was very nervous and scared to do something wrong. Anyway, four weeks ago I messaged her and told her that I was going to a new museum exhibition. My ex and I used to go to museums a few times. She’s more into it than I am.“
So there’s a bit of a problem here. You are messaging her. But of course, it typically should be her messaging you. Don’t get me wrong, there might be some scenarios where you can message your ex but that scenario is pretty much just if all the connection is back if you’re being really happy together again and you can feel that there’s a spark again. It’s basically as if you’ve been dating in the beginning.
Right, so put yourself back into your shoes when you’ve been dating your ex or any other woman in general when you’re happy. And if you’re talking a lot and you’re getting along very well, then there’s no problem with messaging a girl, as long as you don’t do it too often.
You want her to pursue a little bit more than you pursue her. But generally, there’s no problem if there’s a lot of chemistry. So in a case where there’s so much chemistry again because no contact really worked then you reconnect it in meaningful ways then it might be fine but for most of you guys who are reconnecting with an ex, it’s typically very awkward. You don’t have that same chemistry that you had in the past.
So you reaching out to her was not a good move because now she knows that you are into her. She knows that she has all the control in the situation. She has all the power and that’s not sexy.
So he then says:
“I realized that I had been too passive and not very firm with her. So I decided that I will show her that I am no longer seeking her approval and that I am still the man she can respect and love. Like you say in your book: Be dominant not a doormat.“
Well, yes. That line is in my book. It’s actually one of my most favorite lines in my book. That’s why I mention it sometimes in my videos. Be dominant, not a doormat! It’s very important not to let yourself be pushed around by women but I think you’re getting this a little bit wrong.
There’s also another line in my book that you should remember. So if you read my book, I think you have to read it one more time because everything in my book is about mindset, not about manipulation techniques.
So another line that I have in my book is called “social proof creates more social proof” and it’s in this situation in my book where I talk about how once I showed up in a club and didn’t care about what other people thought about me, or what women thought about me, and I was just having fun…
All of a sudden all the women came to me and so what a true alpha does is he doesn’t show off. He just shows up. Because the idea that I bring home in that section in the book is that if you truly believe that you are something, you don’t have to prove that to anyone.
So if you truly believe that you are an alpha then you don’t believe that you have to prove to your ex that you are an alpha. You just show up. You don’t show off.
But here we’re gonna see how you’re now going to show off, or how you’re trying to show off. And basically, I believe this is not who you truly are. You’re basically just trying to be an alpha just so that you can show her: “Look I’m an alpha!“
So let’s see what he says, what is the problem. He says:
“I figured I had to be more direct and straightforward with her. I sent her a message saying: ‘Hey, have you heard of the new museum exhibition? I’m going to the exhibition opening next Saturday. Come see me there. I’m sure you’ll like the exhibition’ and she said ‘Sure, I guess we can go together.’ so I was really excited because this was our first meet up since we had broken up.“
So there are two problems here. First of all, you are too forceful. You’re basically not giving her a choice. Now an invitation like this could work being forceful like that if the woman is really into you. But you really turned this woman off. You broke up so that is the peak turn off basically.
So then forcing her to come with you, you’re basically not even asking for her opinion and you don’t know if she wants to go. Maybe she doesn’t want to. Maybe she’s busy. Maybe she’s dating someone else. There could be a lot of reasons why she doesn’t want to or why she needs to think about this.
So that is problem number one. Problem number two: She said “Sure, I guess we can go together“… That is not exactly a very enthusiastic reply. Honestly, sure, I guess… If I would say something like this, is like “Yeah, sure, I guess we can do that (in a bored tone)“…
It’s like I’m doing it because you know, I care about you. You’re my friend. We’ve dated for a while. Things like that. You know, it’s politeness, basically. And there are actually studies about this that some exes just stay together or stay friends after a breakup because they want to be civil. They think it’s the right thing to do. So it doesn’t really scream like she’s super excited. So she seems like she’s a little bit on the fence.
So that doesn’t speak well. And yeah, you’re excited but I think you’re not reading the situation properly here. If she really wouldn’t have minded your forceful approach and she wouldn’t really care that you’re trying to be an alpha, then she would have said something like “Awesome! I haven’t been to the museum for the longest time! Let’s go! I’m really excited! Let’s go!“
Something like that. But clearly, she’s not too excited about it.
So he then says:
“But then I messaged her again a day before the event and said ‘Hey let’s grab lunch before we go to the museum. I am craving Italian. Let’s meet at Gino’s’…“
So again, you’re being forceful. You’re not giving her any choice. You have to let a woman give a choice if she wants to be with you because if you try to force her, she’s going to be really, really turned off because that is not attractive.
It basically is like you’re trying to control the situation. That is the problem. As I said: A true alpha doesn’t show off. He shows up. But you’re trying to show off in the sense of “I’m in control here. I know what to do“…
Sometimes, don’t get me wrong, you have to put a woman in her place. You have to tell her what to do. You have to tell her what you want. You have to tell her what you don’t accept or what you expect from her.
But in a situation like this, it’s not a good way to go. Especially if the chemistry and the attraction is very low. So let’s see what happens. It’s kind of obvious probably what’s gonna happen!
“She said ‘Sorry I can’t make it. Something came up. Enjoy the exhibition.’ I was really crushed to hear her say that after all, she had already agreed to it.“
So yeah, that was really crushing. “Enjoy the exhibition“…
How can you enjoy it without her? So she knows what she’s doing. Of course. But she’s sugar-coating it. She’s telling herself that she’s saying something nice. She’s not being rude. She just doesn’t want to go, basically, essentially, and she’s still trying to be civil again.
And well he then says:
“Ever since then I haven’t heard anything from her. I’m not sure what I should do now. I thought things were going great and that we were slowly reconnecting again but now it feels as if it’s the opposite I don’t understand why she’d flake on me like that and give me hope just to crush it again. Since the breakup, we haven’t been fighting and things seemed better between us. So what’s going on?“
So yes, I have no doubt that things were better. Especially if you haven’t been fighting and you’ve been talking a little bit. That’s good. Obviously, eventually, you want to set up dates with your ex but like I said you’ve been doing it too forcefully and if I look at your situation there’s probably a high chance that you could have gotten back together or that eventually, you could have set up a date that worked out because if things were fine and you basically just had to test out the waters…
So you said this yourself. You weren’t talking that much. It was still a little bit awkward. You didn’t really know what to say. She probably also didn’t know what to say but eventually, over time, you’re gonna talk more often, and eventually, you’re going to set up a date.
Don’t get me wrong, everyone should be an alpha, but we shouldn’t be alpha males by pretending to be alpha males or forcing it. No that just happens naturally. And so that clearly turned her off. Now maybe it was because you said it twice. You basically forced something to happen twice.
First, you told her “Let’s go here,” she agreed to that. So there was some level of attraction but then again you said “Let’s go and meet up here and have lunch,” and again, she didn’t get any choice here.
Well, she did get a choice but it didn’t feel like you were equals there and that’s how you should treat it. You should both treat each other equally. She is your queen, you are her king. Neither one of you treats each other worse. You both value each other on the same level and nobody imposes something on the other person.
The only way how you impose something is lovingly in a non-aggressive way. And so you have been basically too active here. You have to be somewhere in the middle in a scenario like this because you don’t want to turn her off.
So what you should do now is… Clearly, you turned her off in that instance. I don’t think though that it’s over or that it is hopeless now. Go back to no contact. Wait for her to message you because you made that mistake already to message her, when she should have been the one to message you.
And then you could have suggested something, not forced it. Then you probably could have met up. So back to square one, unfortunately. Wait for her to message you again. She’s probably gonna date other guys or even if not, she’s gonna miss you again. She’s probably going to think about this. Maybe she shouldn’t have flaked on you. So it’s back to square one. Focus on yourself, get back to whatever you’re busy with, don’t chase her, don’t prove to her that you are an alpha. Be an alpha.
To be an alpha, you just focus on yourself, you just show up, don’t show off. And then eventually, she’s gonna become curious about you, and then when your alpha male behavior seems natural and authentic to her, then she’s gonna be into you again.
So that is my advice for you. Let me know in the comments what you think. Give me a thumbs up, subscribe to the channel, and never forget to unleash the king within.