Watch the subtitled video above if you prefer to listen to my advice.
Hey kings, stay a while and listen. I’m Coach Andy Graziosi and I help you unleash your confidence and become the man women love. In this video, we have a situation from a guy and he’s been dating a girl for roughly a month and things are not going in the direction that he wants it to go. He wants it to become exclusive, to be a relationship essentially, but the girl is not ready for it, or rather she seems like she’s still hung up on someone and so she put him in the friend zone.
Let’s look at what he says. He says: “Hi Coach Andy, at the beginning of April I started talking to this new girl and we hung out about three times, once a week.“
It’s a pretty good schedule. Once a week is pretty good, especially in the beginning. You don’t want to do it too often, you don’t want to do it too rarely, so once a week is pretty much the sweet spot, especially in the beginning.
He says: “Things seem to go pretty well, sort of. We would text all day and when we hung out it seemed like there might have been a potential relationship.“
I would not be texting a girl all day long because you got no time. You got things to do as well, so it also kills kind of the tension. If you’re constantly texting, then it kills the tension for seduction, and for being able to see each other… The anticipation. I myself, I just can’t do that because I have other things to do. I create YouTube channels, I create content, I’m writing my book, and so on. I’m working on a new program. Same for you. What are the things that you’re busy with?
Women want to be with a man who inspires them, who sets their heart on fire, and so if you’re constantly texting her, at some point she will eventually get bored because she wants to see what you’re all about. I’m not saying she wants to see what you’re all about by talking to you, she wants to see what you’re made of. What are you passionate about? What’s your purpose? What are the things that are exciting? She wants to be put on an adventure with you. She wants to go on a journey with you.
Texting non-stop kind of symbolizes that you got nothing else going on. I’m not saying you should ignore girls. Obviously, if you have a good connection then you should text her but you don’t have to do this all day. Instead, what I would do is just try to see her more often, rather than texting non-stop. Anyway, he then says: “This thing lasted roughly a month. Toward the end of all this, she kind of dropped on me that she recently got out of her relationship with her first real love at the end of December.“
So five months ago.
“To be honest I kinda saw this coming based on some of her behavior.“
So basically, you’re kind-of-ish the rebound. It doesn’t mean necessarily that you’re the rebound but usually we cannot really move on from an ex that quickly, especially “first real love,” she says. So that means, we need more time to heal from this. Does it mean it’s impossible for her to be with you? No, of course not. But if the ex, for example, is still in the picture or comes back, they talk again, things could go either way. Could be that she chooses to get back with him, or she’s just not ready to commit to you.
He says: “The last time we hung out she dropped the ‘I told myself I would be spending this time by myself but here I am talking to you. I actually like you.’ So after talking to a few of my friends I decided to bring it up again by starting off with ‘so I was curious, is this thing exclusive, or not?‘”
And that that’s where he went wrong. She actually acknowledges she likes you. She knows that it’s probably not the right timing, so she probably thinks “okay I should probably take some more time to heal and to think about what I want.” She’s basically saying “Maybe, I need a bit more space.” She’s not really saying I want to end it but she’s saying that “slow down. I probably need a bit more time to decide is this for me? Do I want to be in a relationship with you?“
It’s really always the women who do the choosing with the relationships, so you gotta give her that time and space, especially if she’s just very freshly out of a breakup, out of a relationship. So give her time and space. But here you go and ask if this is exclusive or not. You’re trying to pin her down. You’re trying to say: “Hey, what is this? I need to know what’s going on. Are we in a relationship?”
This is basically your scarcity mindset kicking in. You’re saying: “Hey, I need to know that we’re in a relationship because if we’re not, maybe I will lose you.” You mentioned already that you could tell based on her behaviors that she probably was a rebound and that she’s still a bit confused. So you probably already felt this kind of happening. And now because you have a scarcity mindset, because you think “Hey, if I lose this girl, then my world is going to fall apart,” you’re trying to pin her down. You’re trying to be exclusive and that doesn’t work.
And that’s the same reason probably why you are texting her too often. Because you are trying to make her commit to you. But it has to be her choice to commit. All you have to do is present yourself on a silver platter. Whenever a girl reaches out to you, whenever a girl talks to you, she’s saying “Hey, I want to spend time with you” and all you have to do is seduce her. She wants it to happen. She trusts you that you’re going to make this happen and so you shouldn’t worry about any of this. If a girl talks to you, it means she’s into you, so nothing to worry about.
But here you’re trying to pin her down and talking about the exclusivity thing and she’s not ready for that. She needs time to decide at her own pace when is she ready. She needs to be able to trust you. Right now, maybe she trusts you but she doesn’t trust you enough yet to be in a relationship with. It takes time to build it up, especially right now. Maybe she has been betrayed by the guy in the past or she just doesn’t feel very confident around someone else. And she’s afraid to let her guard down. So you need to give her time to build up the trust. So don’t push it. But you already made that mistake so we can’t go back.
Then he says: “The response I got was ‘I mean, yeah, sure, you’re really the only guy I’m talking to. I’m not really trying to do that hoe shit. I should tell you though I’m not really ready for anything serious. I’m really sorry.’“
So now, because you pinned her down you scared her. Now she’s terrified! “Uh-oh! He’s trying to put the relationship label on it but I just got out of a relationship. Okay, maybe it’s time to escape!” So you know, now she’s friendzoning you. Now she doesn’t want anything serious anymore. But honestly, she probably wanted something serious. She just was not ready to commit to something serious, yet. She just wanted to be the one who initiates that talk once she feels safe. But now you’re pressuring her. Now she feels like she needs to make a decision right now or this is not going to work out. So she only has one choice: Friendzoning.
He then says: “So based off that I took it as I probably was a rebound in a way.“
Yeah, kind of you are a bit of a rebound, but you know as long as the girl doesn’t run away on her own, there’s no problem with that. As long as you’re strong & confident… Doesn’t matter if you’re a rebound. If you’re strong and you make her feel safe, she’s gonna love you, and the more you have sex with her, the more you hang out with her, the more you kiss, the more time you spend together, the more she will feel comfortable to just move on from her relationship and embrace you.
Even if you’re in a rebound. Think about it! If you would find the perfect woman after a breakup you wouldn’t care about that relationship from the past anymore. If that new person is as good as, or even better than your ex before, then it doesn’t matter if she’s a rebound.
Then he says: “So I made the decision to wish her farewell. I basically said ‘I completely understand I’ve been there before. I don’t want to be a person in the way of you doing your own thing. I enjoyed hanging out with you. I had a lot of fun.’“
That’s the right thing to do. Just walk away. She doesn’t want to do anything right now. She doesn’t want to be exclusive. You brought it up. That was a mistake but the best thing you can do now is give her the space she needs to trust you. I would not spend more time with her because otherwise she essentially can just have you as her emotional backup while she dates other guys who don’t force her to be exclusive yet.
So don’t go that route. Don’t be her friend. Don’t let yourself be friendzoned. It’s okay to talk every now and then if she reaches out, but if she reaches out try to hook up. Try to meet up. Don’t talk about the relationship. Don’t try to say anything about exclusivity. Just give her a good time because once a woman discovers her trust she will discover her lust.
So he then says: “She said ‘thanks for understanding’ and so I stopped talking to her and ended up removing her own stuff.“
So I guess he got rid of whatever stuff you own from her.
“I think she wanted to keep things casual but I really don’t know. One of my friends said I may have jumped the gun too fast. Personally, I don’t think I did because I had a feeling if I kept hanging out with her I probably would have started to get attached because I did actually like this girl a lot.”
Yeah, a lot of coaches might say just keep on dating her. Just keep on having sex. Keep on having fun. Keep it non-exclusive. And I would yeah, maybe. But you already screwed it up. So a lot of people often say “you can be strong“, “we can be alphas“, and “can have sex and be with a girl without being emotionally attached” and all that stuff but that’s just nonsense.
Anyone who says that doesn’t understand anything about relationships. Doesn’t understand anything about social psychology and how we are mentally wired. When we spend time with people we get attached to those people. Especially in the first few years when you’re two, three, four, years old, those are the years when we really instinctively wanna get attached to someone, have a connection.
We need people. We need our parents. The same way we need another partner. It’s just how we wire. We can’t avoid that and so if we spend more time together, then we become attached. And then, of course, you will develop feelings and then you won’t be happy with the situation. Eventually, if she is not willing to go to the exclusivity route… if you would have never mentioned the exclusivity route, I would have just continued to hang out even if it’s still casual because you just let her feelings develop. But now she needs time she needs to think about this a little bit. She needs to miss you.
She needs to realize “Okay I made a mistake. I probably shouldn’t have said ‘hey I just want something casual.’” And if you don’t talk to her for a while she will probably reach out again after a while and she will say “Hey, how are you doing?“
She’s going to be curious, she’s going to miss you because obviously, something’s working out. There is a reason why she’s spending time with you. And she likes you. And even though she says she just wants something casual, she probably didn’t want something casual. She wanted something casual until she made up her mind that she wants a relationship. And so just give her time. Don’t do anything. Don’t chase her. Walk away. Just like you already did. It’s a good step and I think you made the right decision here.
So he says: “Now I’m sort of bummed out because I was hoping that it might have turned into something and I also feel bad that I removed her. But I didn’t really see any point in continuing to talk to her as to my understanding as it would have gone nowhere. In a way, I do kind of miss talking to her but I’m sure that will most likely subside in a week as this is all as this all went down yesterday.“
So yeah, obviously, it will subside. It’s pretty certain that you will think about her every now and then. What you can do is spend more time with other girls and what I said before: Focus a little bit more on yourself, your purpose, your mission, your passion, the things that you want to contribute to society. I call these three things dharma. The intersection of these three things, purpose, passion, contribution, that’s your dharma.
What defines you? What do you want to do with your life? And these are also the things that a woman will love about you. So keep yourself busy. Start appreciating yourself. Be happy with who you are, and when she comes back she will love that version of yourself. You will feel good about yourself, and next time when you start dating again, you won’t be worried that you have to pin her down, because the only reason why you want to pin her down is probably because you were scared that things might not work out.
Because of that ex from five months ago, you don’t have to be worried about any other guys. You only have to be worried about yourself actually. So as long as you feel good about yourself, you can attract any woman. You don’t need to be worried about the competition, You are a king. You are already a winner and the king doesn’t need to work hard to convince his queen to be around him. You got this! Focus on yourself. Focus on your purpose. Focus on the things that are important to you and then, you focus on her.
That’s my final verdict. Let me know in the comments what you think. If this was helpful, give me a thumbs up follow my YouTube channel. And of course, my other social profiles. If you need more help here are some ways how I can support you.
First, you can download my free couples canvas template to gain instant dating clarity. Or you can buy my book “Unleash The King Within” from Amazon to learn more about the mindsets needed to attract the bombshell type of woman.
Or you can also join our Mentality Mondays men’s health self-help group. Every week we get together on epic zoom calls to talk about what’s real for us, to help us grow, to talk about things that bother us, and to become a better man and that is really the key to attract an amazing woman. Be the best man you can be. And through that, any woman will freaking love you. A man who knows himself is known by countless women.
You can also buy my Confidence King training program and of course, you can always book a coaching session with me, and with that, I’m out. I’m Coach Andy Graziosi and I help you unleash the confidence within and become the man that women love. And I will see all of you kings in the next video. Until kingdom come.