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Hi kings, stay a while and listen. I’m Andy Graziosi and I help you unleash your confidence and become the man women love.
In this video, we’re gonna talk about a man who is basically the backup plan for a girl that he dated many, many years ago. Happens all the time! You never want to be a backup for any girls. If a girl is interested in you, she will make time for you. There are girls who will always find excuses to not be with you. Then there are girls who are dying to be with you. So let’s look at this view. Be a king. Respect yourself. And surround yourself with women who love you.
So he says: “Hi, I would love to hear your take on this. I have been dating a girl 10 years ago for two years.“
So that’s been a long long time!
“Actually, we stayed friends afterward. We mostly communicate through text as we live in different countries. Since five years ago she’s with a new guy. I expected them to get married and have kids and so on because I know that’s her big wish in life. I was actually happy for her that she found that type of guy but after two years she started complaining to me about her relationship.“
Isn’t that convenient?! So you have basically not been in a relationship for a long time. Ten years ago. She’s been with this guy for five years already but there is trouble in paradise and what does she do? She goes to her ex. Interesting!
So then he says: “She said that things weren’t great and that she considers herself single again. She actually moved to a different city alone and I try to be supportive. A few weeks later she’s back with him because he doesn’t want to let her go. Those are her words. But the complaints become more frequent and more annoying.“
Well, so let’s be real: She is choosing to be with this guy. When he says he doesn’t want to let her go, doesn’t matter she can just leave him and just say “Sayonara! I don’t care about you anymore, we are over.” So she has a part in this. She is at least giving him an opportunity to stay hooked with her because she’s not clearly ending it with him even if maybe he wants her back and he’s not giving her the space, she’s facilitating that as well.
So then he says: “She would say that he doesn’t show her any physical affection anymore, despite him saying that he still loves her. That this makes her feel insecure, or unattractive, or rejected, and that she already has low self-esteem and that this makes her even change the way she holds herself around other people.“
So the guy is not making her happy and she’s feeling unattractive and insecure because of it.
And then he says that: “she feels she’s to blame for it that they basically live like brother and sister and for her, it’s really over now, but again he won’t let her go.“
So let’s take that at face value. If this is true, she knows that he’s not making her happy anymore and she’s blaming herself for all the mistakes… Maybe the guy doesn’t know what he’s doing. But again, she’s basically keeping him in the relationship because she’s not making a clear cut. So she has a responsibility in this and she knows pretty much what she’s doing. She knows that “okay, maybe I don’t want to let go of this guy yet so even though he’s toxic and he’s not making me happy, maybe I can’t do better. Maybe I have hopes that it will still work out.“
And there’s many reasons why she might string him along and give him an opportunity to still make this work. So she’s stringing him along to some extent probably and she’s stringing you along, most likely.
So he then says: “She says it’s hard to rebuild anything new and it will take her some time to feel differently. That they argue a lot. She breaks up again, but he ignores it and then keeps acting as if they’re still together. She starts flirting with me and hinting at us getting back together but the moment I engage and propose to meet, she disappears for a bit and a few weeks later she is back with him.“
So she knows this is not working out. They break up all the time. It’s toxic. If the guy really acts like he’s ignoring that they broke up, that’s obviously a very toxic red flag. But what can you do? It’s up to her to say “hey, no this is not okay. You need to stay away and keep your distance.”
But so then basically, when you actually make a move, you finally want to see her, she broke up. Now would be your chance. Now would be HER chance to actually say “okay you know what? I deserve better. I deserve you.” You, who is the king. Whereas the other guy sounds like he’s a total tyrant. What is she doing? She disappears! I guess maybe she’s probably ghosting you.
I’m assuming you message her, say “hey let’s meet up” and then… crickets! Right?! Classic. What do you make out of this? Of course, maybe sometimes she needs to make up her mind but this one here specifically sounds like it’s very repetitively happening over, and over. So you should consider that this is not just a basic version of hot and cold. This is a pretty extreme case of hot and cold already.
So then he says: “This repeats like five more times during the next three years. So she would say that she’s single again, that for her it’s really over, no matter how hard he tries and hints at us going somewhere for a weekend of fun and possibly more. And then in the moment plans get concrete she ends up acting distant and the next thing she’d be back with him.“
So every five, six months this seems to be happening. So this happened five times, you said. So at this point, I would say well “I’m out of here! Why am I doing this? You know you’re clearly not making a move. You clearly don’t value my presence. So why would I give you my presence?“
She had an option to be with you. She had an opportunity to make things happen. You tried to make things happen. Nothing happened. And she always ditches you. So if a girl ditches you every now and then, it’s fine. You know sometimes girls need time to make up their minds and especially after a breakup they’re not really sure what they’re going to do. Maybe they’re very confused. Rebounds and so on, but this has been happening for quite some time now and it’s not going anywhere. So you should consider “maybe I need to get out of this situation because it’s not good for me.“
He then says “then she says the last time she really broke up she said that ‘this time it was for real’ and that she actually tried to have a few days with dates with other guys and as always she also wanted to see me and we got pretty far into planning a weekend trip somewhere…“
But you know what’s gonna happen next…
“…but then the talks about her ex started again.”
You see… It’s like a repetitive pattern. Happens over and over. I would even go as far as saying this could possibly be narcissistic tendencies because this is kind of a very typical narcissism pattern where we go from complete cold to warm. This is called devalue, idolization. And then you cycle back and forth over and over. Whatever the case is. Clearly, this is not healthy. This pattern. Maybe she’s still a normal girl but something is not right here. Something is definitely a bit of an unhealed unhealthy behavior pattern that you’re seeing here.
So he says: “But then the talks about her ex started again. That he still has the keys to her house and sometimes comes inside her house when she’s at work to check if there’s still pictures of them hanging on the wall and he would leave notes for her which is super creepy.“
If that is true, you know that if this is true she really has some clear boundary issues and I would just be out of that situation right now because if she cannot say “no, hey, you know we are broken up and you need to stay out of my life” and I would call the police on a person like. So if she values that, or if she accepts that from a man, think about what she would accept from you, or anyone.
Why would you want to be with a woman who has such low standards? You should have high standards for yourself because you are a king and you only deserve the best. You deserve a queen, and does that sound like a queen who knows her worth? Not really. So take it with a grain of salt. You know what she’s telling you with her ex doesn’t matter, how things are going and whether things are going back and forth.
This girl, she has some really odd behavior patterns with the guy that she’s dating.
“She says ‘you know he brought her flowers and gave her a ride to the airport, which was actually handy’“
She’s saying it was actually handy. So you know, she’s appreciating this! That he’s still doing some things. On one side she doesn’t really want to be with him, but she doesn’t really want to break up, but it’s kind of handy that he does stuff for her. Sounds a bit like she’s using him. I think it’s something to consider!
“And she says that his mother is very ill and she feels obliged to ask him about it because she feels that she can’t be rude to him after all he did for her.“
Okay, whatever. Maybe she’s a super nice codependent girl but that just sounds like a dumb excuse to keep him there and have some convenience. And she gets to have her cake and eat it too. She’s definitely being the one who gets all the benefits from the situation here. Kind of.
“Then she says that she feels afraid to slip back into the relationship again because like always he just keeps acting like they are still together.“
Well, if she feels so afraid to slip back into the relationship again why the heck has this happened five-ish times? She doesn’t seem to be too afraid to slip back into this situation and she’s just telling you what you want to hear. That’s my take. I could be wrong about it, but you know that’s what it sounds to me.
“Then she says, he asked her if she could stay at her place for one month because of a new job close to her house and that she feels like she can’t refuse it because he still plays a part of her rent.“
So he still pays the rent. Wow! Convenient! This girl has it really nice! Broken up, but he still pays the rent. That sounds really super convenient. So another reason why she might not break it off with the guy. She again, gets a lot of benefits.
“She also sent me a picture showing a big cut in her nose saying it was an accident at the gym. Needless to say, our plans went nowhere and two weeks later she was back with him saying that she wants to give it another chance to him because he has always been there for her.“
Well, that’s wonderful. My mom has always been there for me but she has some unhealthy habits and behavior patterns as well so what does that mean? I ignore the unhealthy patterns and behaviors of my mother because she raised me from whenever I’ve been a child? No, of course not. She shouldn’t do the same thing. Just because someone has always been there for you doesn’t mean that we give them permission to treat you really terribly your entire life.
So whether she knows that maybe she doesn’t care, or she just likes the convenience, or she doesn’t know how to say no to this guy, it doesn’t matter. It’s a red flag. It’s something that someone who really values themselves and has healthy habits, and behavior patterns, and thought patterns, and mindsets… they wouldn’t do something like this.
He says: “Needless to say our plans went nowhere and two weeks later she’s back with him.“
Same thing again, again, and again. Basically, at this point, his message is really repetitive. You see it’s the same thing over and over, so you see there’s no behavior change. So why do you keep on repeating the same thing which clearly does not lead to anything? What I would do is I would probably end it right here.
So he’s asking me: “What’s going on here? Is she in an emotionally abusive relationship and her boyfriend a creepy stalker that she can’t get away from? Or is she always just pretending to be single, enjoys my attention in the fantasy of getting together, flirting, but they actually never broke up and she’s making up all the behaviors about her ex to have an excuse to go back to him without having to tell me she wasn’t really single at all? Is she just playing me or you know she would tell me she’s single one day and post pictures of her sitting on his lap smiling the next week on social media?“
So whether she’s playing you, or whether she’s in an abusive relationship… If she would be in an abusive relationship, I would cut her some slack, obviously, because it’s not easy for sure. But everybody needs to have boundaries and needs to know when to draw a line and say “hey, I need to get out of the situation.” Whether that’s narcissistic abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, we have to say “hey this is not working” and we have to eject and run and just try to find someone healthier.
And she’s not doing that so that is one scenario, obviously. But you can’t really do anything about that. It’s up to her to get out of this situation if her ex truly is abusive and you can’t help her to facilitate or make that happen. It has to be her idea and she needs to find the strength to get out of that situation. That’s scenario number one.
Or scenario number, two which you already acknowledge is that she’s just playing you. She’s pretending. Convenience. She likes the convenience to be with him or she likes the convenience to string you along because you know it’s been 10 years and you’re still here and look at you, you are still waiting for this girl. I don’t assume that you’ve been waiting for her all these 10 years. Probably not.
But obviously, now that she’s messaging every now and then, you’re getting your hopes up and you’re probably kind of waiting for her instead of meeting an incredible bombshell type of woman who just blows your mind away. You’re kind of on pause right now and she knows that. She knows that she can string you along and whether that’s because she’s in an abusive relationship and she tries to see “maybe in the future I can be with you” but she’s afraid or she just doesn’t give a shit and she just uses both of you…
Bottom line is you can do better. You deserve a queen. You are a king. You should respect yourself. And when a woman doesn’t want to be with you. You cannot change that. You have given her many opportunities to make things happen but she doesn’t grab onto it, so she always tries to suck you back in, but then there’s no push, no follow-up, so what are you supposed to make out of this? You can’t wait for the rest of your life. You should follow your purpose, move on with your life, meet other amazing women, or amazing woman and keep on dating and maybe you will find an amazing woman, maybe not.
I don’t know but the point is this woman is probably not for you. If she is for you she’s gonna make up her mind. If she is for you she’s gonna leave that guy and then she will try to go on dates with you. She will let you know and she won’t just ditch you for dates. She won’t come up with excuses, won’t get back with that guy. Rather she will end it for good and then you and her can spend time together.
Quality time. Have fun. Have sex. Make out. Whatever. Have a good time. And then you can go further from there. But right now it’s like this guy is cock blocking you, basically. So yeah, this is pointless. So don’t go there.
He concludes his message with “where do you draw the line between someone not being able to get away from a bad situation or if she deep down doesn’t really want it to end at what point do you say she really wants to end it, why doesn’t she block him, change her locks and call the police when he shows up? Or is it easier said than done? Is he a creepy narcissist that controls her or is he just walking after her like a puppy and she controls him and is she playing both of us?
Are they stuck in some co-dependent toxic never-ending cycle I’m stuck between feeling angry at her for not knowing what she wants and at the same time worrying for her she might be in a bad place and I should perhaps try to help. I’m not pursuing a relationship with her or trying to force myself back in her life. I really hope she always goes back because he is her big love after all, but I feel something is fishy. What to make of this?“
Well, basically, see it already it’s a toxic cycle. Whatever. It’s toxic, it’s codependent, it’s possibly narcissistic. Whatever that cycle is. It’s not for you. You can already tell something is fishy something is wrong and you probably know already in your heart that right now if you would open Tinder, Bumble, whatever, any dating app, or you go outside and whatever go out and have fun, going to a bar, or do your favorite activity, you’re gonna run into some amazing girls and you know that most of them will not have this baggage.
Is he the love of her life? Well, first of all, I don’t believe in that. We always create great relationships. They’re not found. There are no soul mates. There’s no love of our lives. There’s only the love that we make happen for the rest of our lives. And well, she’s choosing to create a pretty terrible relationship with a pretty terrible guy. Maybe they’re both terrible. Who knows. But you can do better. You want to create an amazing relationship. You are a king. Know your worth, find your queen, get out there. And you know deep down that you can find a much much, much better woman.
So that’s my final verdict. If this was helpful, let me know what you think in the comments. Of course, give me a thumbs up, subscribe to my YouTube channel, and of course, follow my other social profiles. If you need more help, here are some ways how I can support you.
First, you can download my free couples canvas template to gain instant dating clarity or you can grab my book “Unleash The King Within” from Amazon to learn more about the mindsets needed to attract a bombshell type of woman.
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And of course, you can always book a coaching session with me. And with that, I have spoken. Those were my last words. Of course, check the links in the description for all the things that I’ve just mentioned. And I will see all of your kings in the next video. Until kingdom come.